Just going through the motions

Do ever feel sometimes like you’re just going through the motions of life? Like you aren’t actually participating, but are kind of along for the ride? That’s how I’ve been feeling since returning from my trip on Friday and returning to work this week. I’m feeling kind of “blah”. I’m frustrated because of the extra stress of work, the adoption hold up, and the fact that summer is looming. It isn’t just my job that is more stressful in summertime.Our financial situation also changes dramatically. My husband’s pay is cut by about a third during the summer months because it’s hard for him to find summer teaching jobs. He did manage to land two classes, but it isn’t enough. We’re just scraping by now, so I’m not entirely sure how we are going to get by. We managed to barely make it through last summer, so I’m sure we can do it again. But it’s tiring and it’s getting old. We thought for sure he would have a full time teaching position by now. That’s the one thing I pray and pray for, but never seem to get an answer(unless the answer is simply No). I’m not sure how long we can continue, with him working at three different schools. He doesn’t get benefits, and goes several months a year without pay at all.(one month right after Christmas, and two months in the summertime). It’s hard to make a budget, to say the least. The news of this month’s referrals have gotten me down too. I guess I(and a few thousand other people) was hoping they(the CCAA) would start speeding up referrals again, but that doesn’t appear to be the case, at least not this month. I can’t think about our wait right now. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to curl up in a ball on the floor and rock back and forth. I hate the uncertainty of it all. It seems so unfair. It feels like trying to get pregnant all over again, not knowing how long it will take. Total lack of control. Not knowing how much longer we have to spend not being parents. Clearly I am having a bad day. I’ll be better tomorrow. I apologize for this depressing post. Time to go write in that journal I bought!