Is it Friday Yet?

This feels like a long week. I don't know why. I am feeling fine and all signs of sickness are gone, so you would think that alone would make the week go by faster. But it hasn't. My day started with me seeing a co-worker in the staff room with a big pregnant belly who I didn't even know was pregnant. Obviously I haven't seen her in quite some time! I hate being surprised by this kind of thing. Then I had a conversation with a co-worker and she told me I should not be bitter and just be happy for her. Oh, and she knows exactly what I'm going through because it took her five years to get pregnant with her first child(twenty-two years ago). She went on to have three more. But she knows exactly how I feel. Yeah, O.K. Then I had to explain to her how much pain it causes me that I will never be pregnant, and she kept arguing with me and I got all defensive. If you have been pregnant with a pregnancy that produced a healthy child, you do not know how I feel. Please don't give me insensitive, unsolicitated advice. Thank you. Later in the day I found out that I will be out of a job this summer. It had been kind of up in the air until now, and the way I found out was pretty lousy. Then I went to lunch and had a huge freak out on the phone with Joe about what we are going to do this summer when we are both unemployed. I know it's a long way off. But it scares me. I have never in my life been unemployed(from the age of sixteen). But now I'm home, and Joe is home with me, and we have had a lovely dinner together. Check me out, looking on the bright side. Sigh.

100 Good Wishes Quilt

Yes, it's that time. I am collecting wishes for Sophie's 100 Good Wishes Quilt. I have started a blog to post wishes to. You can find it here. There is also a link under the counter on the right. The instructions on what to do are there. I'm counting on you, my internet friends. I have a very small family and very few friends(I'm not kidding). If I don't get some help from my blogging buddies, I'll have to change the name of the quilt to the thirty good wishes quilt, and then I'll have to explain to my daughter that I wasn't able to collect all one hundred wishes, and that would be sad. :) I joined a quilt swap, and have received many cute squares from them, but it won't be enough. So please, spare a square! Thank you!

P.S. If you are a family member or friend of mine, you will soon be receiving a letter in the mail begging Ummmmm, I mean asking you to contribute. Be forewarned!

I am almost afraid to type this sentence. I think the sickness is gone. Oh man, I hope I didn't just jinx it. Today I actually feel(dare I say it) good! I hope it lasts. Oh, I hope it lasts. I can't take anymore sickness. On to better news look what I got in the mail today(well, actually yesterday, but I didn't check the mail till today). Sorry, I'm too lazy to post a picture right now, so this is a link to Kathy's pic. Kathy sent me these cute piggie stampes in the mail. I LOVE them! They are so cute! I know it's likely my daughter won't be born in the year of the pig, but they are so cute and so pretty I'm going to put them in Sophie's scrapbook anyway. Thank you Kathy! They really brightened my day!

Always Look on the Bright Side

I've been trying to look on the bright side. To see things more
positively. I really have. But it's hard when you are puking your guts out and having uncontrollable diarrhea. I'm sorry if that gave you an image in your head that you really didn't want, but how can one person be sick so much, consecutively. How? Please let this be the end of the illness. Please.

Oh, and it has been three months since our LID, so that's something. I'll hang on to that.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to keep a journal of my depression, so I could look back and see when one came on, how long it lasted, severity, etc. Well, mission accomplished, because Holy Moly, this is a bad one and I was in total denial about it until I got it down on "paper". My husband happened to read my last post too(he doesn't read regularly), and he realized we(I) might have a problem(Houston, We have a problem). Two hastily scheduled visits to various health professionals, a change in meds, and many hot baths later, and I am feeling much better. I will be O.K.

Depression is a Slippery Slope

And I am slowly sliding down it. It's no secret that I suffer from
depression. I write about it on this blog, most of my friends and
family are aware of it, and for those people who like to stick their
noses where they don't belong, Yes, it is in our homestudy report(our GLOWING homestudy report thankyouverymuch). My depression ebbs and flows. Some days are better than others. Sometimes weeks or even months can be very good. Or very bad. At times the bad periods come on quickily. Sometimes I don't even realize they are coming until BAM! I'm right in the middle of one and I wonder where it came from. Other times, like now, the bad periods come on slowly. I can feel it coming on for weeks, but I don't know how(or if) I can stop it. And the next thing I know I'm laying on the floor in a puddle and I can't get back up. That's where I am right now. I'm down(Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!) I think it started with the stress of the holidays. And then the let down when the holidays were over. And then
another year older. Another year older and not a child in sight. It continued with China changing the rules regarding who could adopt, and realizing we no longer qualify. I try to put it out of my mind, but at least once a day I find myself terrified of this entire process. Terrified that we have spent all of this time, and money, and we will not be matched with a child. Terrified that we are not "good enough" to adopt. Like ao many other things I am not good enough for. Then there is the illness(es). Oh my gosh, the illness. There has been a lot of illness with me lately. A six month course of Prednisone has left my immune system in ruins. I've got nothing left to fight the illness off with. I don't do sick very well. I'm having a hard time at work. Suddenly in my boss's eyes I can do nothing right. Nothing. I get
sick too much. I spend too much money. I don't order the right supplies. I plan the wrong art activities. I leave early too often. I have too many doctor's appointments. The list goes on and on. She talks negatively about me behind my back. I shouldn't let it bother me. But it does. It really does. I know it is time for me to look for something else. I can't take this stress much longer. And then there is the pain.
The pain from the endometriosis that the Prednisone was keeping at bay. The pain that has come back with a vengeance since the course of Prednisone has come to an end. Pain that forces me into the bath tub as soon as I walk in the door from work, and then to the couch with a heating pad on my stomach for the rest of the night. When I am supposed to be getting more exercise. I promised the Kidney doctor I would. And I am disappointed in myself when I don't. Lastly there is the financial problem we were having before Christmas that I thought had resolved itself but found out yesterday that it hadn't. It looks like we will be going to court. For something that is truly not our fault. And yet there is nothing that can be done to fix it. And so I slide. Down. Down into this depression that is eating away at me. I find myself on the verge of tears much of the time. I make frantic phone calls to my husband in the middle of the day, begging him to tell me that everything is going to be okay. And he does. I don't know where I would be without him. He is my rock. And because of him I know that this too, shall pass. I just wish it would pass already. It is draining, and I am tired. I may take a little "blogger's break". I certainly can't post stuff like this regularly. I may erase this post in the morning. But I had to get it out of me. It is doing no good inside of me.

Hanging by a thin line

I'm still here. Hanging on to a very thin thread, but still here. I
want to feel better now. It really seems like when I get sick it lasts
twice as long as a "normal" person's sickness. We're going on six days
now. The doctor said seven to ten before I feel better and possibly two
weeks before I regain my strength completely. What. Ever. I can't feel
like this for much longer. It has been horrible. I have to go back to
work tomorrow, regardless of how I am feeling. That should be fun. The Doctor
said I am very susceptible to catching other illnesses right now, so
I'll be the one walking around with the Lysol can spraying every
surface I touch.

Well today was better than yesterday. Still not great. But better. The
sore throat is almost gone. In its place is a cough. A wheezing,
rattling cough that makes it hurt to breathe. A cough that kept me up
all night because I. Can. Not. Stop. Coughing. Finally at 3:30 in the
morning I took some Theraflu. It quieted the cough enough for me to
sleep. I think I could probably manage to go to work tomorrow. Except
the doctor strictly forbid me from going to work before Tuesday. He
prefers Wednesday, but said Tuesday was O.K. I dread going back. I know
I have been sick a lot this year. More than I ever have, in the
fourteen years I have worked there. But I don't know why my boss has to
make me feel bad about it. I hate that. Do you know the last time I was
out she never even asked me how I was feeling? How rude. Between the
kidney disease and the Prednisone it looks like my immune systems is
pretty much shot. I'm not sure what I can do about that. I have some
"Googling"
to do on that. I have received some beautiful quilt squares from a swap
I joined, as well as some lovely gifts from my secret buddy to post
pictures of. Hopefully I can get to that tomorrow. Thank you so much
for all the good wishes to get better. It truly helps.

Some relief

Immediately after writing that last post I took a Percocet and went to
bed. For six hours.
I hate to use this analogy, but I was dead to the world. The Percocet helped immensely. I think it may also be what knocked me out, allowing me to get some
glorious, overdue sleep. I am feeling much better. The pain in my
throat has subsided quite a bit. Not completely, but manageable. I can only hope things continue to improve over the next two days before I am required to go back to work.

The fun never ends

Woke up this morning to searing throat pain and blood soaked pajamas and sheets. I freaked out for one whole minute before I realized these two things were not related. I started my period. Early. Great. And it's a doozy. I stumbled into the bathroom to take a shower and was overcome with horrendous cramps. I lay on the bathroom floor for half an hour shivering and in pain before I made it into the shower. Joe's at work so I don't have anybody's shoulder to cry on. His is such a good shoulder too. This is the worst pain I have ever been in. It is worse than three surgeries(one of them botched). It is worse than the cyst that burst on my left ovary. It is simply the worst. I don't know how to proceed. I can't be in this pain much longer. Maybe I should go to the ER. But do people even go to the ER for a sore throat? Won't they laugh at me and tell me to go home? I'm going to take a Percocet. I have two left over from my surgery last year. I'm sorry this is all soundig so melodramatic. I am writing it with a one hundred and two point five fever. And I am in pain. Did I mention that? That I'm in pain? Something's gotta give. Soon.

Death Warmed Over

That's how I feel. Although this is another one of those sayings I don't get. I thought I would stick with the theme for another day. I am seriuosly ill. I don't think I've ever been this sick. If I have, I don't remember it. Yesterday I called my doctor because the fever would not go down and the pain in my throat was unbearable. Now I am used to having pain. I have severe pain every single month before my period because of the endometriosis. This throat pain makes that pain seem like a walk in the park. I can barely manage to swallow water. It hurts that bad. So I called the doctor and told the nurse my symptoms. She calls me back later after talking to the doctor and tells me he's pretty sure it's not Strep throat. He said it is a bad case of the flu. What? If this is the flu, then I haven't ever had the flu before, because I have never in my life had a sore throat like this. Ever. And I have never had a fever this high for so many days in a row. If I take Advil every six hours I can keep the temp down to 101.5. If I forget to take it, or it starts to wear off, my temp skyrockets to betweeb 102 and 102.9. But what am I gonna do, he's the doctor right? I tried to keep the pain in my throat manageable with Advil, warm liquids, and copious amount of popsicles. But the pain is still horrible. I was up most of the night. It is awful. So today I called the doctor's office again and told them I can't take this pain and if they can't see me today then I'll go to a walk in clinic. They managed to squeeze me in. He still says it isn't Strep. They didn't do a rapid strep test because he is certain in is not strep(and he says those tests aren't reliable). They did a throat culture intstead, which will take two days to get the results. I can't have this pain for two more days. I can't. I have had Strep two other times. Both times I did not have the common syptoms(white patches on the back of the throat, swollen lymph nodes). The only symptoms I had were a severe sore throat and high fever. In fact I think the last time I had a fever this high was when I had strep throat. So we'll see. If it isn't Strep then he said I should start feeling a little better tomorrow. Please let that be true. Oh, and he says that this strain of flu is so bad that I need at least seven days to recover before going back to work. I have been home for three days now. I almost laughed out loud. That would mean I wouldn't be going back to work until next Wednesday. Um, not. Do you have any idea how much my boss would freak out if I took that much time off for the flu? She had Cancer, for goodnes sakes. For now I'm going to take it one day at a time. Joe won't let me go back to work until I am completely well. He is quite worried about me and has been takin such good care of me. I am very lucky in that respect.

P.S. does anybody know if it is possible to OD on that Chloraseptic throat spray? Because it is the only thing keeping me sane right now and I am using it copiously.

Sicker than a Dog

I don't know where that expression came from. It really doesn't make much sense. I tried to go to work today. Or rather,I got up and I went to work today, but I made it all of forty-five minutes. I was feeling terrible. Honestly, I don't even know how I made the drive in. I don't remember any of it. At seven forty five, when my boss came in I told her I was going to walk to the nurse's office to have her look at my throat. I was seriously beginning to suspect Strep Throat. I couldn't seem to keep the fever down, and the pain in my throat was unbearable. I could barely swallow. The nurse's office is a good walk from our building. In comparison, I would say it's about a block or so. I was trying to walk slowly, and not overdo it. Apparently I overdid it anyway, because when I got there I collapsed on her cot and came very close to passing out. And then I came very close to throwing up. Thankfully, neither of these ocurred. She immediately took my temperature(which was down to 101.5), and looked in my throat and declared I had Strep Throat and needed to go home. Despite my protests, she said I was in no condition to drive myself. So she called down to my building and informed my boss of my symptoms, and asked if there was someone there who could take me home. She said No. There was nobody there who could drive me home. There were two adults and two children there at the time. Two. She said she couldn't possibly leave the other person there alone. With TWO CHILDREN. The state requirement is twelve children to one adult. She has left me alone on numerous occasions to get her nails done. Yet she can't provide me the common courtesy of helping me out when I was sick. I don't get it. You would think that someone who had been through such a lengthy illness as she has would be more sympathetic. You would think the fact that we have worked together for fourteen years would be enough of a reason to help me out. I guess not. I would be lying if I said this didn't bother me. Joe says I shouldn't let it bother me. But it does. So I'm sick. Really sick. With the fever I have it doesn't look like I'll be going to work tomorrow either. I just hope the pain in my throat subsides soon. It is unbearable to the point of keeping me awake and denying me of much needed rest. Ugh.

What do you get if you take an extra day off of work to spend a fabulous weekend in the mountains with your husband? Apparently you get a nasty cold/case of the flu. Because that's what I have. Complete with sore throat that feels like it's on fire, pounding headache, and fever of 102.5, resulting in uncontrollable shivering that is not alleviated even with the four blankets that my husband piled on top of me to stop the shaking. And I cannot take off work right now. I am still in the doghouse about Friday(get over it already) and someone else is already taking off the next two days to have their wisdom teeth pulled. Lovely.

Oh and note to self: How do I know when I am going to start my period any day now and am seriously hormonal? When I burst out crying while watching "The Wiggles" on "The View" because the kids in the audience are so darn cute and right at this moment it feels like I. will. never. have. one of those. That's how. Hope you all had a better day than I did.

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I'm Baaaaaaack!

Back from a fabulous weekend. It couldn't have been more perfect. Snow, temps that dipped down to four degrees, sitting by the fire, playing cards, reading, in room massages and napping. Ahhhhh. I have a few hours of vacation left before that alarm rings at five fifteen, so this will be short and sweet. Pictures tomorrow. I took one hundred and ten of them! For now, I'll leave you with this. Man, I wish we were still there.

Doctor's Appoinment

Saw the nephrologist again today. The appointment that they rescheduled from before Christmas. I received good and bad news. Which would you like first? How about the Good. My test results came back very good. The protein levels in my urine are back in the normal range. Normal! It's actually pretty amazing. This is more than we ever hoped for. Kidney function is good. Creatanin levels are good. It's all good. The doctor actually used the word "remission", which occurs in only forty percent of people with my type of kidney disease. The prednisone did what it was supposed to do. Now I get to go off of it. Finally. Yippee! The key now is to see how long the remission will last. He says for some people it lasts only a few(3-6) months, but he has seen people stay in remission for two-three years. Not a lot, but he has seen it happen. What does all this mean? It means that as long as the protein leaking from my kidneys is controlled, my kidneys will not sustain further damage. Every minute that we can keep that from happening is a mintue longer that I don't have to worry about kidney transplants or dialysis in the next five to ten years. The only bummer is that because 25 percent of the receptors in my kidneys shut down before we found out about the disease, I will still have some of the symptoms I have been having. Lower back pain, abdominal pain, blood in the urine, chronic fatigue. Bummer. The other bummer is that as my weight has gone up, so has my cholesterol. I gained fifteen pounds in the seven months I was on the Prednisone. Ugh. I have always had very low cholesterol. Until now. So it's diet and exercise for me. I started last week and have already lost two pounds. Go me! I haven't mentioned it because secretly I am embarrassed that I gained so much. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it later, but right now I'll be keeping kind of quiet about the whole weight loss thing. So overall the news is good. I know I tend to dwell on the negative a lot. But I am happy. I couldn't have asked for better results. Now I conintue to pray that things go as well as they have.


P.S. Getting very excited about this weekend. This is the scheduled forecast. WooHoo! C'mon snow!

Tag, You're It

I haven't done one of these in awhile, so here goes....
A - available or taken: Taken
B- best friend: My husband, my sister, and my friend Monica, whom I have known for 23 years!
C- cake or pie: Cake. Chocolate. Mmmmmm....Cake!
D- drink of choice: Iced Tea
E-essential item you use everyday: My computer, and now my camera since I'm taking a picture a day
F-favorite color: I don't really have a favorite color, but it seems like lately I favor pink
G-gummy bears or worms: gummy worms. The sour kind.
H-hometown: Orange County, CA
I-indulgence: Pedicures
J-January or February: January. My b-day month
K-kid's names: Soon will be Sophia. Sophie for short.
L-life incomplete without: Family
M-marriage date: 2/14/1993
N-number of siblings: Two
O-oranges or apples: Apples
P-phobias or fears: Squirrels
Q-favorite quote: You must chill!(From the movie "Say Anything")
R-reason to smile: My niece and nephew
T-tag 4 people: My seester, Johannah,Shelley, and Kristen.
U-unknown fact about me: A lot of people don't know I'm a twin.
V-veggie I don't like: celery
W-worst habit: I'm very hard on myself
X-xrays: Too many to count. Mostly of my abdomen for endometriosis related pain
Y-your favorite food: Mexican
Z-zodiac: Capricorn

Happy Birthday to my Seester!

My seester's blog
Oh, and uh, to me too, but whatever. So far being thirty six rocks. Not bad at all. Thanks everybody, for the cool presents! Pictures to come.

Shake Your Booty

Tell me this isn't the cutest thing you've ever seen. Go on, I dare you! Okay, at least admit it's the second cutest thing next to your children(or the children in your lives)!

Inspired

I have been inspired by Shannon to try this Project 365 thing. It is a challenge to take a picture every day for a year. I have no idea if I'll be able to stick with it. I barely made it through a post a day for a month on ye old blog! I think if I can just upload once a week or so it'll be okay. Now if I can only remember to take the pictures! Here's what I've got so far. Not that impressive, I'll admit. Hopefully it will get bettter! Maybe at the end of the year I can put all of the photos in a scrapbook. Now that would be cool!

Back to the Grind

Going back to work today wasn't all bad. Many parents are still on vacation, so it was a pretty quiet day. It's very quiet at our house tonight too, without the kids. I miss them. As tired as I was while they were here, they certainly brought excitement to our normally boring lives. Usually I am not all that fond of January. It's a month that seems to drag by, with nothing exciting happening. Well, except for my birthday on Friday, but I am not all that excited about that. You know how some birthdays are better than others? Well, my thirty-fifth birthday was horrible. For some reason, this upcoming birthday is putting me into some kind of funk. I don't want to be thirty-six. Thirty-six is almost forty! There are so many more things I had hoped to accomplish by this age. I had hoped to own a house. We were supposed to have two children. My husband was supposed to get a full time teaching position. None of these things have happened. And it doesn't look like any of them will happen in 2007 either. I could be forty before I have my only child. Sigh. Anyway, enough of this depressing talk. What I was going to say was that I normally don't like January all that much. Nothing to look forward to. But not this January. A couple of months ago I did something I never do. Something I haven't done in a few years, and that we can't really afford. I booked us a short vacation. Over Martin Luther King weekend. Four blissful days and three nights in the mountains. We're staying in this cabin. I cannot wait. It has a hot tub and a fireplace in the room. We may not leave the cabin the entire time. Except to play in the snow of course! Four days of rest and relaxation. Snuggling in front of the fire, watching movies and reading. I may in even get really crazy and book an in room massage! (Did I mention we can't really afford this right now?But the only place we've been to in five years is my sister's house. It is long overdue). It is a combination birthday/anniversary present, since our anniversary is in February. It is already booked and half the fees paid, so I can't have any regrets now. I am very excited about it!

All's Quiet

The kids have gone, my house is thrashed(my car too!), I am sick with a cold. Back to work tomorrow. Sigh.

Mommy and Daddy come home tomorrow

It's a good thing, because I am tired. Last night we went to Dave and Buster's at the Spectrum and threw some money away, Uh I mean, played a bunch of games and had a lot of fun! I told the kids we could ride the giant Ferris wheel and the carousel after Dave and Buster's, but when we came out everything had closed early for New Year's Eve. So I told them they could ride it today instead. Except they were closed again for New Year's day. Oops. They were a little disappointed. It turned out okay though. We went to a really cool playground, and went out for pizza, then came home and ate ice cream and watched a movie. Now they are tucked safely in bed anxiously awaiting mommy and daddy coming in the morning, and the presents they promised to bring. I'm coming down with a cold. It figures I would get sick right before I go back to work. Tomorrow Joe and I are going to clean the house(it's thrashed), and chill out for the rest of the day. That was a quick two weeks. Time flies when you're crazy busy!