Thursday, December 06, 2007

I don't know if it is because it the holiday season(and we don't have children. Again) or what, but I have been so emotional lately. First I had that meltdown last week, then today I spent a good portion of the day on the verge of tears or in the bathroom crying. I think it might be time to go to the doctor and make sure that hormone patch is still working because this is ridiculous. I know what started me feeling sad again. What I can't figure out is how not to be sad about it.
Here's the deal. I had this friend. We met twelve years ago. We worked together. We became very close and remained friends even after we both moved on from our place of employment. I have known both of her children since they were born. I babysat for them many, many(many) times. Joe and I would go over to her house for parties, and I knew pretty much all of her neighbors. That's how often I was over there. Joe and I started trying for a baby four or five years into our friendship. We tried. And tried. And tried some more. Nothing happened. The more we tried and the more nothing happened, we found it difficult to be around others who had kids. It was so painful. For both of us. We stopped going to her parties. I still came over for dinner, or a movie occasionally, but I couldn't bring myself to go to her children's birthday parties. I wanted so much what all those other people had. I would leave every party in tears. Finally I decided not to put myself through that pain any more and I stopped going. I'm not sure my friend understood it. She couldn't fathom how going to a children's birthday party could cause someone so much pain. I didn't expect her to understand. I just expected her to respect my decision and try not to feel hurt by it. We saw each other less and less. The phone calls became sporadic. Eventually she stopped returning my phone calls at all. We did communicate through e-mail some. Last Fall I tried to reconnect with her. I e-mailed her several times. I told her I missed her and the kids. I asked if we could get together. She would respond, telling me how busy they were, and how this wasn't a good time. I persisted. I called on the phone. I sent cards to her and the kids. I received nothing in response. I let it go for awhile. A few months ago, I sent another e-mail, asking if we could get together. I missed our friendship, and wanted to see if we could rekindle it. Again I was told they were very busy, and this isn't a good time. I must be very dense, because I didn't get the hint. Even though my husband tried to kindly tell me that she had no interest in being my friend anymore. I didn't listen to him. I can be stubborn like that. I was sure if we could just get together and I told her how sorry I was for those couple of years when I crawled into a hole to protect myself, she would understand and we could be friends again. Two weeks ago I sent her a small gift and a card telling her how much I missed her and the kids. I heard nothing. I waited another week. Maybe she was just "really busy". Finally two days ago I e-mailed her. I asked if she got the gift, and could we get together. Yesterday she e-mailed me back. Yes, she did receive the gift. She doesn't want to get together. In fact, she doesn't have the "time or commitment" required to be my friend. She has "a lot on her plate right now, and she doesn't have anything to spare". She said it seems like I have a lot of issues that I am dealing with, all of the time,(which is true) and it became too emotionally draining for her to listen and be there for me. She wishes me well, but it is not a good time for us to reconnect. She needs some time for herself right now.

I am crushed. I feel so rejected. I have never had someone just come right out and say "I don't want to be your friend anymore". It hurts so much.
Here are some things that my head knows, but my heart can't seem to understand.
1. I probably don't want to be friends with someone who can't reciprocate my friendship, or be there for me when I need them.
2. It may not be all about me(shocker!). She may be going through some hard things and it truly isn't a good time.
3. I do have a lot of issues. I know that. Medical. Emotional. Financial. More issues than most people. Perhaps I wear my heart on my sleeve too often. I'm learning to curb that a bit.

If my head knows all of the above things, how come my heart hurts so much? Because it really, really hurts right now.

Please be kind in your comments. It doesn't help me to bash her or hear how awful she is and how she isn't worth my tears. She was my friend. We had so many good times together. I miss her. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that our friendship is over for good. It makes me feel so sad.


fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I have found that several of my friendships have changed or even faded out without any real reason. It could be that this friendship would have changed without the issues.

I also think it is possible that she is going through issues of her own.

I don`t know how you stop feeling sad about it. I think it is like anything you let go of. You just have to let it get a little easier every day. You are entitled to feel sad.

Take care,


Gracencameronsmomy said...

I know you said to be nice, but I am sorry, she is a #$%@#!

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Oh... I had a friend like that... we were like sisters... Did everything together... Her mum was a little weird and so my mum took her in and let her live at our house... she was part of the family - my friend, me and 2 sisters - well, we were all just like that was what we were. Then she moved out and once again my mum helped her get a flat, furnish it etc and then came the boyfriend... I was fine with that but he didn't like me... jealous I guess... then the best friend in the world started to lie to me about not meeting up etc you could tell it was the guy (very controlling guy) and then she got pregnant by him... slowly over time we lost touch - every now and then I would see her and the baby... but then, one day... nothing... it was awful - this one person who was literally the dearest person in the world to me... gone... it was worse then losing a boyfriend... I was SO hurt by it. I know it was the guy but I look back now... it was like the friendship ran it's course... it was time to let it go. Just from what you are saying... that is what this is... one of those friendships that ran it's course... you still have the fun memories... not being awful though... besides, you have made that first step to being friends again - if it is meant to be then she will call you back in time... Having said that... thank you for leaving a comment on my site... I am hanging in there and yep, I know my time will come... my site has become somewhat of a diary to me and I forget that people actually read it... lol... take care...

Journeywoman said...

I've had people tell me "I just can't be your friend anymore." and it sucks.

I have also told a friend of mine that I couldn't be her friend anymore. (It was because she told me that she wanted to use my husband for a sexual surrogate--and didn't understand why I would have a problem with this!)

Sometimes this just happens. Sometimes people come into your lives and leave and that's it. She probably did take it personally that you couldn't come to the kids parties. Infertility has shattered a lot of my friendships. It sucks, but there it is. I also think that she might be going through issues of her own, and doesn't want to do the work involved in catching up.

Though I think it was rude as hell not to acknowledge the gift.

I'll be your friend!

Take care

Kayce said...

You have taken a page out from my life. In the past year I have lost 3 very good friends, who just don't have the time anymore. None of them have said anything more to me than, "I'm just so busy right now." It's been the HARDEST thing for me. Through this though I have discovered who really cares for me and who my true friends are.
The only thing I'm not looking forward to is when we do (ever) get our daughter and they want to be my friend again, which I know will happen. At that point I'm going to tell all of them to go to Hedoublell! I needed them more during them wait!

Hang in there're not alone!

Stephanie said...

Obviously she didn't understand that it was hard for you to be around children, since you were going through infertility.

Having said that, the fact that you didn't go to the kid's parties might have affected her children (asking their parents why you guys weren't there). Sometimes it might help looking at the kid's point of view and understanding that your friend may want to distance herself from you so her children don't get hurt.

I am always supportive of you on your blog and always appreciate that you are so honest and don't intend to make you feel any worse than you already do, but I am just pointing out how a parent might feel.

Michelle said...

I know for a fact her kids were hurt when I kind of dropped out of their lives. Their oldest daughter told me so! I send them cards and small gifts every couple of months, but I know it isn't the same as me being there. That's part of the reason I have spent the better part of a year trying to reconnect with them. I feel so awful for causing them pain. But I don't understand why she won't let me back into her life and try to make up for it.

Debra Sue said...

You made the effort, and that's what counts. Friendships die out for a variety of reasons - time, interests, levels of supportiveness, places in our lives. Perhaps she feels she can't discuss her issues (with/about the kids, school & time constraints because of after-school, or stories that frustrate her but are funny about the kids)with you because she's afraid of causing you pain.

You two are on separate paths right now, and someday they may intersect again in the future. Until then, cherish those who are on your path right now, and think fondly of those who are on their own.