I don't know if it is because it the holiday season(and we don't have children. Again) or what, but I have been so emotional lately. First I had that meltdown last week, then today I spent a good portion of the day on the verge of tears or in the bathroom crying. I think it might be time to go to the doctor and make sure that hormone patch is still working because this is ridiculous. I know what started me feeling sad again. What I can't figure out is how not to be sad about it.
Here's the deal. I had this friend. We met twelve years ago. We worked together. We became very close and remained friends even after we both moved on from our place of employment. I have known both of her children since they were born. I babysat for them many, many(many) times. Joe and I would go over to her house for parties, and I knew pretty much all of her neighbors. That's how often I was over there. Joe and I started trying for a baby four or five years into our friendship. We tried. And tried. And tried some more. Nothing happened. The more we tried and the more nothing happened, we found it difficult to be around others who had kids. It was so painful. For both of us. We stopped going to her parties. I still came over for dinner, or a movie occasionally, but I couldn't bring myself to go to her children's birthday parties. I wanted so much what all those other people had. I would leave every party in tears. Finally I decided not to put myself through that pain any more and I stopped going. I'm not sure my friend understood it. She couldn't fathom how going to a children's birthday party could cause someone so much pain. I didn't expect her to understand. I just expected her to respect my decision and try not to feel hurt by it. We saw each other less and less. The phone calls became sporadic. Eventually she stopped returning my phone calls at all. We did communicate through e-mail some. Last Fall I tried to reconnect with her. I e-mailed her several times. I told her I missed her and the kids. I asked if we could get together. She would respond, telling me how busy they were, and how this wasn't a good time. I persisted. I called on the phone. I sent cards to her and the kids. I received nothing in response. I let it go for awhile. A few months ago, I sent another e-mail, asking if we could get together. I missed our friendship, and wanted to see if we could rekindle it. Again I was told they were very busy, and this isn't a good time. I must be very dense, because I didn't get the hint. Even though my husband tried to kindly tell me that she had no interest in being my friend anymore. I didn't listen to him. I can be stubborn like that. I was sure if we could just get together and I told her how sorry I was for those couple of years when I crawled into a hole to protect myself, she would understand and we could be friends again. Two weeks ago I sent her a small gift and a card telling her how much I missed her and the kids. I heard nothing. I waited another week. Maybe she was just "really busy". Finally two days ago I e-mailed her. I asked if she got the gift, and could we get together. Yesterday she e-mailed me back. Yes, she did receive the gift. She doesn't want to get together. In fact, she doesn't have the "time or commitment" required to be my friend. She has "a lot on her plate right now, and she doesn't have anything to spare". She said it seems like I have a lot of issues that I am dealing with, all of the time,(which is true) and it became too emotionally draining for her to listen and be there for me. She wishes me well, but it is not a good time for us to reconnect. She needs some time for herself right now.

I am crushed. I feel so rejected. I have never had someone just come right out and say "I don't want to be your friend anymore". It hurts so much.
Here are some things that my head knows, but my heart can't seem to understand.
1. I probably don't want to be friends with someone who can't reciprocate my friendship, or be there for me when I need them.
2. It may not be all about me(shocker!). She may be going through some hard things and it truly isn't a good time.
3. I do have a lot of issues. I know that. Medical. Emotional. Financial. More issues than most people. Perhaps I wear my heart on my sleeve too often. I'm learning to curb that a bit.

If my head knows all of the above things, how come my heart hurts so much? Because it really, really hurts right now.


Please be kind in your comments. It doesn't help me to bash her or hear how awful she is and how she isn't worth my tears. She was my friend. We had so many good times together. I miss her. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that our friendship is over for good. It makes me feel so sad.