Ready

I'm ready to be situated in my new place.

I'm ready to leave my home once and for all so I can grieve the loss of the hopes we had there.

I'm ready to say goodbye to my dog (tomorrow is the day).

I take it back.  I'm not ready for that.  But it's time

I'm ready to have some physical space away from my husband (we will still talk every day) so I can think more logically instead of emotionally.

I'm ready to stop crying myself to sleep every night.

I bought this scroll for joe in china when we adopted gracie. 

It translates(roughly) to:

Never give up, no matter what the circumstances.

Ummmm...yeah, whatever.

Does anyone want it?  Because I'm throwing it in the dumpster on my way out of here on sunday.     :(

I'm ready for things not to suck.

I'm serious, if someone wants that, I will send it to you. Just email me your address and it's yours.

Whine

Please forgive me for the constant whining lately.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive.

Today I am failing miserably.

Everything sucks right now.

I'm still in limbo.  Not quite here, not yet there.  Everything I need is at the new place, but still loose ends to tie up at the old one.  Plus my husband is still at the old place and I can't bring myself to leave until he isn't there anymore.  I don't know why.  I need to let go.

Work is insane.  Everyone is trying to get in before school starts.   Guess what people?  You should have thought about that three weeks ago when the people who have their appts now did!  It is sucking every last bit of life that I have left in me at the end of the day.

We are struggling so much financially right now.  Joe has no income and I just don't make enough money to support us both in this apartment.

I am still dealing with my sister's cat that was supposed to go home three weeks  ago when I was supposed to drive up there but ended up flying.  It is stressing me out.

I have to put my dog to sleep( I.  Have.  To put.  My dog. To sleep)  :(

I'm almost to my breaking point here.

Tonight when I got home I lost it.  I couldn't stop crying and climbed into the bathtub and laid there in a fetal position on my side. 

I didn't even wait until it filled up.  I just laid on my side in the empty tub while the water filled up and tried not to think about how much everything sucks right now.

Something has got to give.  I can't do this much longer.

Blue

Blogging from my phone again.  I'm really missing my computer at home. I can get internet on my kindle fire but there is no blogger app and I find it hard to type on it. It's so much easier to type on my phone, because it's an android and has the swype feature.

I'm feeling blue.  I know that is to be expected.  It doesn't make it suck any less. 

I feel very much in limbo right now too, and that's hard.  Everything I need has been moved to the new place but I'm still staying at our apartment because we have it until the first and joe is still here.  We have only our couches and bed here now, all of which we not taking with us.

I have hesitated to write about this next part because I know I will be judged.

We have to put our dog to sleep. It's not because we are moving.  Not entirely.  She has been biting people lately.  She bit a little girl at lisa's house at thanksgiving and she very nearly bit our downstairs neighbor's kid a few weeks ago.

As she gets older she has been becoming more and more fearful of people.  She has also been very sick.  She has a tumor and she has lost a great deal of weight. 

And so we will be putting her to sleep.  There are no words for how sad I am about this.  My eyes and nose are raw from crying.

We love her so much but she is nine years old and being so sick we don't see any other choice.

Any one of these changes would be enough to overwhelm someone.  The combination of them all is very hard on me.  I haven't  slept in days and I'm exhausted.  I feel a cold coming on and a sore throat.  I suppose that could be from all of the crying.

There has been much crying. 

I know that this will get better and I will be ok, but this part sucks.

We love you gizmo, and we are so sorry   :(

When it rains it pours

Am blogging from my phone.  My computer died this morning.  I have no idea why.  It just won't turn on.  Joe thinks it has something to do with the battery but I can't afford a new battery right now so I'm not even going to bother with a trip to the apple store.  It's going to have to wait until my next paycheck.

When it rains it pours.

That certainly seems to be the case with me lately.

Yesterday I went to the doctor with some troubling foot pain and was diagnosed with gout.  I didn't even know exactly what gout was, but I thought only old people got it.  That is not the case.  People with kidney disease can be more susceptible though, especially those who don't drink enough water.  Turns out I was very dehydrated.  Don't worry, I am under strict orders to hydrate this weekend.

So yeah, gout.  Tons of fun.  The doctor prescribed me a course of prednisone to treat it, so that should help with my emotional well being while I handle the stress of moving.  Prednisone makes me a little crazy.  Timing couldn't be worse on that one.

I moved most of my things yesterday.  The rest will be moved tomorrow.  I'll spend one day cleaning out our apartment and that will be that.  I will be living somewhere else, away from my husband.

I wish I could say that I have some peace with this decision but I don't.  There are still many tears being shed about it.

I hope that when I am fully moved I can get some semblance of normalcy back, although I really don't see how that could happen while I am living away from my husband of twenty years, who is also my best friend.   :(

I guess time will tell.

Four

I thought I wanted to do this blogging-every-day thing because I kept coming here and having stuff to say but then when I came here today I realized I really don't have anything to say.

And yet here I am.

I'm so tired. Yes, I know I said that yesterday.  But today I am TIRED.

Like stupid tired.

I'm so tired that I kept forgetting what I was saying, in the middle of my sentences.  That makes for interesting conversations with your co-workers.

Me:  "so yesterday I was packing up my room and ...........".

My co-worker:  "And what?"

Me:  "I don't know.  I forgot what I was going to say.  What was I talking about?"

Thankfully the phone usually rings about then and we all forget that I was talking in the first place.  At least I hope so, otherwise I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I am losing it.

Actually they may be right.  I think I may be totally losing it.

I keep counting things off in my head, like:

Four more days until I move.

I only get to take a shower in this shower(*my* shower) for four more days.

As I pull into the parking lot of our apartment complex:  I will only be coming home to this place (my HOME) for four more days.

As I went into our local grocery store this morning to get cat food:  I will only be coming to this grocery store, where I know all of the check out people, for four more days.

I will only be living with my husband for four more days.

This last one is always accompanied by tears and serious thoughts of "WHAT AM I DOING?"

I like to yell at myself in my head sometimes, especially if I am having self doubts.

I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be o.k, but I don't have anyone to do that for me because that's usually my husband's job and I'm LEAVING him so he isn't in the mood to do that for me right now.

I don't blame him.

Please think good sleepy thoughts for me tonight because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

4 more days.

(I guess I did have something to say after all).

Insert Witty Post Title Here

I got nothin'.

I am tired.

Exhausted actually.

I can't sleep.

Every time I eat I have stomach cramps and feel sick.

Last night I had a panic attack. Like, an actual panic attack.  I started hyperventilating.  Have you ever hyperventilated before?  This is the second time I have ever in my whole life hyperventilated. The last time was a week or so ago.  It was just as fun the second time as it was the first(not).

It's scary to not be able to breathe, even though you are trying very hard to.  I was freaking out and Joe just kept saying "You need to calm down, you need to calm down, you need to CALM DOWN or you're going to pass out."

I don't think him yelling at me to calm down was helping me at all.

But I seriously could.  not.  breathe. Then I started to panic because I couldn't breathe.  It was like a panic attack in the middle of a panic attack!

Can you say spaz??

Aren't you supposed to breathe into a paper bag when you are hyperventilating?  Or am I thinking of something else?

O.K. I googled it and that's kind of a myth.  In fact it says that you actually shouldn't do that.  There are, however, many good tips on what to do when you hyperventilate. I will be bookmarking that site for future use.

I really hope I won't be needing it. It really sucks.



T-minus 5 days until I move.

5 days until I leave my home.

5 days until I leave my husband.

Deep breath.


I might be needing that paper bag after all.

All You Need is Love

 That's not true.  Sometimes you need a lot more than love to sustain a relationship.

I feel like I may have given the wrong impression in my last post about our situation, for lack of a better word.

I have asked for a separation.  I am the one leaving, but Joe and I are not divorcing.

It's just a separation.  A trial separation, as they call it.  I think they call it that. I'm not actually sure because I have never been in this position before.  I never thought I would be in this position.

So we are separating.  Temporarily.  We are both moving to different places, alone.

I don't want this but I feel like I don't have a choice.  Isn't it Dr. Phil who always asks "How's that working for you?".

It isn't working.  Not at all.  And so I have two choices:  Don't change anything and be terribly unhappy, or change something and hope that it helps me not to be so unhappy.

Joe is not the villain  here.  He is a wonderful man and has never treated me badly.  He loves me very much.

We love each other very much.

But what we are doing isn't working.

My only hope is that we are able to each grow a little bit and find our way back to each other and that through this separation we grow together and not further apart.

We have started couple's counseling again(I had stopped going months ago because I didn't think it was helping).  I want to keep the lines of communication open in the hopes that we don't grow further apart.

You know that saying "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it it's yours; if it doesn't it was never meant to be"?

That is the lamest saying ever.  Don't ever say that to someone going through a rough time in their relationship.  Seriously.  It's lame.

I just thought I would make it a littler clearer what we are going through.  I have not one bad word to say about my husband, and I would appreciate it if you didn't either.

Found this on Pinterest and it made me laugh out loud:

True that.

I have some people that are pretty critical of me putting this very personal stuff out in the internet on my blog.  I totally get that, but you are not me.  This blog has always been a sounding board for me, a way to get through some difficult times in my life.  Without this blog I wouldn't have so many wonderful people that I have met, both online and in person.  I wouldn't have the huge network of support that I have now.  I'm not the kind of person who can be fake.  I can't just post pictures of the fun places we visit or the awesome vacations I have had the opportunity to go on. I can't post the good stuff without also posting the bad or very difficult stuff too. I'm just not wired that way.  It's pretty much what you see is what you get with me and I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve. A little too much sometimes.

 I understand it you don't get it, or you think I should act differently and that's o.k.  Let's just agree to disagree, o.k.?

Or here's a thought too.  If you don't like or agree with how I am dealing with this, just don't come here and read it!  Problem solved.       :)

A Beautiful Mess

I am a mess. Not so much beautiful(it's the title of a Rascal Flats song that I love), but definitely a mess.

I am taking a break from packing.

I hate packing. Like, really hate it.  I know probably no one likes to pack but I really hate it.  It's dirty and time consuming and sad and I hate it.  I just used the word hate five times in this sentence. That pretty much sums it up.

It doesn't help that I am only taking enough stuff with me that will fit in a small bedroom.  Almost none of our furniture is going with me.  I simply won't have the space to store it. I'm selling most of it, or just plain giving it away.  That has been hard.

It doesn't help that the packing is being hindered by my crying spells.

It's just stuff.  Why do we become so attached to stuff??  Why is it so hard to let go of stuff?

You know how people sometimes ask if you had to leave your home quite suddenly, what would you take with you? Turns out just clothes and some pictures.  Pretty much whatever I can fit in my car.  I am taking my dishes and china.  I will store them at my Dad's until the time comes when I will need them again. But I'm not taking much else with me.

I have been isolating myself a bit.  I have countless offers from friends to call them, or drop them a line, or even get together to talk. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life that want to help and support me.  The problem is, I can't talk about it  right now.  I really am at a loss for words. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to some of you.  I don't know what to say.  I know too, that I have been selfish lately.  I have forgotten friend's birthdays.  I have ceased communication with some people because I simply can't take on anything else emotionally right now.

I'm in a strange place.  I feel like I don't have the right to complain, or go on and on about hard hard this is, because *I* wanted it.  I'M the one making the decision to leave this marriage.

I'm the bad guy here. I'm the one leaving her husband.

I can't go into a lot of detail on the reasons behind my decision without violating my husband's privacy.

Over the years of heartache and pain our marriage has been the one thing I thought would stand the test of time.  Nothing could break us apart, nothing could come between us that was so hard that we couldn't get through it together.

But years of heartbreak in the quest to become parents, and the stress of his unemployment has worn me down.

It has worn us down.

I sometimes wonder what happened to the people we used to be?  What happened to the man that could make me laugh when no on else could?  When did I turn into this angry, resentful,  bitter girl who slams doors and yells when she gets home from work more often than she doesn't?  (I'm sure my downstairs neighbors won't miss that).

When did we stop turning to each other for comfort and instead isolating and turning inward(him).  Or the person who turns to going out with friends and taking vacations by themselves(me) to escape the hurt and pain?

There was no defining moment. It was a gradual process, born over several years.  Maybe it was the pain of losing our daughter in China that caused me to break down completely and stop communicating and decide that I was unhappy enough to change some things in my life.

I can't pinpoint the exact thing(s) that led me to where I am now.  Packing up my home for the last 14 years and moving away, alone.  Crying in private and wondering what the hell I am doing.  Hating myself for it, but moving forward anyway.

Please don't tell me that everything happens for a reason.  Just don't.  I can't bear to hear that right now. Also the quote  "Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can come together".

Yeah, spare me that one too.

I am a mess.


The symbol above is a West African symbol of hope, providence, and faith.  It translates into:

"By God's grace, all will be well"

I hope so.

(That second one is a quote by Marilyn Monroe. Apparently she had many good quotes.  Who knew?)  

Big Sur

I have roughly 10,000 pictures of Big Sur to share with you.  I can never edit them down to a reasonable number so you're just going to get all of them.  Get your scrolling finger ready!  :)

The trip went way to fast. Funny how that happens when you are having fun.  I didn't get to see very many of my No. Cal friends this time, and that was o.k.  I ended up flying instead of driving, which meant I didn't have a car. I probably could have made it happen but I didn't have the energy and honestly, I'm just not ready to talk in detail about what's happening right now.  It's so complicated and I just don't know what to say.  It's not often that I am at a loss for words so you know things are bad if I don't want to talk about it...haha.

Stacey did bring the kids up on Sunday for a little while and it was fun to catch up with her while the kids played.

It was foggy on the drive up and down so I didn't get too many pictures of the coastline like I usually do.  It was still beautiful, even in the fog.

Bixby Creek Bridge

The water is such a beautiful shade of blue

The weather was beautiful so first we hit the pool

Ahhhhhh..........relaxation

Ryleigh and Grace strike a pose.

Rock jumping!

View from our balcony

Cartwheels on the grass

Beautiful trees

Cheers!

Hiking down to Pfeiffer-Burns waterfall

Breathtaking.  I was disappointed that it was so foggy but it was still beautiful, as always

This Art Gallery and Cafe were closed for several years and I was so happy to see that it had opened up again.

The drive up was quite foggy, and then again when we drove down the coast to the waterfall, but up at the top it was sunny and 75 degrees the whole time.  We couldn't have asked for better weather.

Bluebirds came right up to our table hoping for a tidbit of our sandwiches.

Does anyone know why some bluebirds have that mohawk and some don't?  I didn't get any pictures of those that did, but you know what I mean right?  We figured it was because the ones without were females and the ones with were males but we weren't sure. Must google.

Squirrels. Blech.  I dislike squirrels.  It's a long story.

We drove to an area where we could park ourselves on the river for the day.

Peaceful

How come Grace's feet look almost as big as mine??

I could sit and stare at this all day

Beautiful redwoods

No trip to Big Sur would be complete without a jump off of a rock into the river.

Geronimo!

The water didn't seem as cold this year.  Maybe because the air temperature was so warm.

I love the trees. I saw a bumper sticker that said Big Trees Rule.  They certainly do.  I should have bought it.

One of my favorite spots in the world.

Serene

We stopped in Carmel to drop off a chair that Stacey had lent us(thanks Stacey!).  Carmel was having it yearly Concourse 'de Elegance(I have no idea what that means, except it includes an antique car show).  

Candy shop.  Of course we went in!

This is what I came out with:  Carmel fudge with sea salt.  To.  Die.  For.

Lots and lots of antique cars

Lots.

It was packed!

The insides were completely restored

I'm not even into cars and I thought some of these were really cool.

I loved this color, even though I overhead a man saying "There is no way that color is original to the car.  (Insert name of car here)-never made that color (Insert name of car here)

I almost bought this shirt for Joe.  Haha! (It's a dog mooning people on a surfboard and it says Moon Doggie Saloon.  So funny.

It was a fabulous trip and I had so much fun.