Saturday, August 18, 2012

A Beautiful Mess

I am a mess. Not so much beautiful(it's the title of a Rascal Flats song that I love), but definitely a mess.

I am taking a break from packing.

I hate packing. Like, really hate it.  I know probably no one likes to pack but I really hate it.  It's dirty and time consuming and sad and I hate it.  I just used the word hate five times in this sentence. That pretty much sums it up.

It doesn't help that I am only taking enough stuff with me that will fit in a small bedroom.  Almost none of our furniture is going with me.  I simply won't have the space to store it. I'm selling most of it, or just plain giving it away.  That has been hard.

It doesn't help that the packing is being hindered by my crying spells.

It's just stuff.  Why do we become so attached to stuff??  Why is it so hard to let go of stuff?

You know how people sometimes ask if you had to leave your home quite suddenly, what would you take with you? Turns out just clothes and some pictures.  Pretty much whatever I can fit in my car.  I am taking my dishes and china.  I will store them at my Dad's until the time comes when I will need them again. But I'm not taking much else with me.

I have been isolating myself a bit.  I have countless offers from friends to call them, or drop them a line, or even get together to talk. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life that want to help and support me.  The problem is, I can't talk about it  right now.  I really am at a loss for words. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to some of you.  I don't know what to say.  I know too, that I have been selfish lately.  I have forgotten friend's birthdays.  I have ceased communication with some people because I simply can't take on anything else emotionally right now.

I'm in a strange place.  I feel like I don't have the right to complain, or go on and on about hard hard this is, because *I* wanted it.  I'M the one making the decision to leave this marriage.

I'm the bad guy here. I'm the one leaving her husband.

I can't go into a lot of detail on the reasons behind my decision without violating my husband's privacy.

Over the years of heartache and pain our marriage has been the one thing I thought would stand the test of time.  Nothing could break us apart, nothing could come between us that was so hard that we couldn't get through it together.

But years of heartbreak in the quest to become parents, and the stress of his unemployment has worn me down.

It has worn us down.

I sometimes wonder what happened to the people we used to be?  What happened to the man that could make me laugh when no on else could?  When did I turn into this angry, resentful,  bitter girl who slams doors and yells when she gets home from work more often than she doesn't?  (I'm sure my downstairs neighbors won't miss that).

When did we stop turning to each other for comfort and instead isolating and turning inward(him).  Or the person who turns to going out with friends and taking vacations by themselves(me) to escape the hurt and pain?

There was no defining moment. It was a gradual process, born over several years.  Maybe it was the pain of losing our daughter in China that caused me to break down completely and stop communicating and decide that I was unhappy enough to change some things in my life.

I can't pinpoint the exact thing(s) that led me to where I am now.  Packing up my home for the last 14 years and moving away, alone.  Crying in private and wondering what the hell I am doing.  Hating myself for it, but moving forward anyway.

Please don't tell me that everything happens for a reason.  Just don't.  I can't bear to hear that right now. Also the quote  "Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can come together".

Yeah, spare me that one too.

I am a mess.

The symbol above is a West African symbol of hope, providence, and faith.  It translates into:

"By God's grace, all will be well"

I hope so.

(That second one is a quote by Marilyn Monroe. Apparently she had many good quotes.  Who knew?)  


Jenna said...

Hugs. It is so hard to sustain a relationship with so much bad. I have been amazed by how you guys have been able to stick together through so much, I really hoped that your marriage could handle it. I am heartbroken grief has taken it away, and I will pray for the restoration you want so deeply.
As you know I will be here if you need me, but totally understand your need to just be.

Anonymous said...

One of the phrases I loathe is "everything happens for a reason." Well, that very well may be true, but, when I'm down and out, it's not what I want to hear, so I certainly won't say it. You owe no one an explanation nor do you need justify the decisions you have made. There are no words I can send that will take away the feelings you have and make it all better. Be selfish. You can and those who know you and love you understand and won't think anything else about it. Lots of love and prayers from here. If you want to run away, I'll leave a key under the mat for you xo

Cora Huffman said...

I'm sorry.

Krista said...

Hugs. Just hugs.

Laura said...

Hugs from me too......I will be thinking of you.