There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now and I hate every one of them. I know that perhaps some good will come from these changes but right now I hate them and I have been crying myself to sleep every night over them.
I can't remember if I ever actually "officially" said so here, but we pulled our paperwork for China. It simply wasn't meant to be. I have been grieving quite a bit. It comes in waves and I don't think I have even scratched the surface of it but the little I have been feeling sucks. It really sucks.
This is true. If there are going to be changes, I want them to go quickly so I can get them over with. They never do though and the bad parts seemingly last forever. I wish the bad parts of some of the changes coming up for me would hurry up and pass.
There has been a change in plans in regards to our vacation coming up. Only I will be going, and I won't be camping. I will still be going to Big Sur, but will be only staying two nights, and it will be in a hotel. I am bummed about that. I love camping, especially in Big Sur. But I don't feel safe camping alone and Lisa didn't really want to camp with the kids this time, so we won't. Instead I will crash with them in their hotel room. I will still get to stay in a place that I love and that brings me peace. But I am sad that Joe and I won't be travelling together and I am sad that we won't be camping. We have had this vacation planned for six months and the change in plans has made me sad. I know that it will be ok in the end, and I will also have the opportunity to see some of my awesome No. Cal friends, so I am super excited about that.
There is also this saying about changes, and I am finding it to be true:
My life feels very chaotic right now.
What's even scarier is that I will be doing it alone. By myself.
Joe and I have decided to live apart for a while.
We are both dealing with a lot of grief and loss. Coupled with the stress of his unemployment, it has put tremendous strain on our marriage.
I'm not going to say anything else more about it than that, out of respect for his privacy.
It's not forever. We are not divorcing.
But I will be living alone(without him) and that is scary. Actually(pardon my french), I am scared shitless.
I'm trying to do this. I don't think I am succeeding but I am trying.
But I will be o.k. I want to believe that we will be o.k. Only time will tell but I am hopeful.
But mostly I am scared.
Here is my favorite quote that I found about change:
O.K., so I went first. You're welcome. :)
Thank God for my job and the people I work with. It has been the one constant in my life and my co-workers have been amazingly supportive. I am also so thankful for my friends. I have a wonderful support system. I am blessed.
I will be o.k.