Just going through the motions

Do ever feel sometimes like you’re just going through the motions of life? Like you aren’t actually participating, but are kind of along for the ride? That’s how I’ve been feeling since returning from my trip on Friday and returning to work this week. I’m feeling kind of “blah”. I’m frustrated because of the extra stress of work, the adoption hold up, and the fact that summer is looming. It isn’t just my job that is more stressful in summertime.Our financial situation also changes dramatically. My husband’s pay is cut by about a third during the summer months because it’s hard for him to find summer teaching jobs. He did manage to land two classes, but it isn’t enough. We’re just scraping by now, so I’m not entirely sure how we are going to get by. We managed to barely make it through last summer, so I’m sure we can do it again. But it’s tiring and it’s getting old. We thought for sure he would have a full time teaching position by now. That’s the one thing I pray and pray for, but never seem to get an answer(unless the answer is simply No). I’m not sure how long we can continue, with him working at three different schools. He doesn’t get benefits, and goes several months a year without pay at all.(one month right after Christmas, and two months in the summertime). It’s hard to make a budget, to say the least. The news of this month’s referrals have gotten me down too. I guess I(and a few thousand other people) was hoping they(the CCAA) would start speeding up referrals again, but that doesn’t appear to be the case, at least not this month. I can’t think about our wait right now. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to curl up in a ball on the floor and rock back and forth. I hate the uncertainty of it all. It seems so unfair. It feels like trying to get pregnant all over again, not knowing how long it will take. Total lack of control. Not knowing how much longer we have to spend not being parents. Clearly I am having a bad day. I’ll be better tomorrow. I apologize for this depressing post. Time to go write in that journal I bought!

Getting back into the swing of things

Back to work today. It is so hard to come back after a week off. So hard that I dreamt the alarm clock was going off and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. Imagine my dismay when I realized it actualy was the alarm clock going off. Blech. Joe's teaching tonight, so I decided to spend my time productively(for once!). I am planning the curriculum for my summer program. I am not having fun doing it. You see, summer is not a happy joyful time around our house. I work at a childcare center. The kids are in school most of the year, and it is my job to keep them entertained during the short period of time between when school gets out and their parents come to pick them up. It's about a three hour time period, a little longer for the half day kindergrtners. If they aren't in school, they're in my program all day. All eleven hours of the day(we're open 7:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.). And even though I am not at work that entire time period(thank godness!), it is my job to plan the activities that will keep them entertained all day long. I also have to come up with new ideas every year, as many of the same children attend year after year and they don't want to do the same activities they did the year before. So I'm scouring the internet to find crafts, games, and recipes to go along with the nine theme weeks I have created. That's thirty-six art projects, nine cooking activities, forty five hot lunches, five field trips, and about a zillion games. Add to that a Luau party, a carnival, one treasure hunt, and a whopping end of summer party, and that adds up to a lot of extra work for me! Most of which I do not get paid for, as I do much of my research at home. We don't have internet at my work(how lame is that?). Anyway, summer is coming(in seven weeks, but who's counting?) and I need to get ready. I've finished four out of nine weeks. Almost half way done. Back to work........

Fun photos from S.F.

I can't get the photo link to work, so I have to do it the hard way. I haven't been able to get onto my Flickr account in months, and have sent multiple e-mails but haven't received a reply. Anyway, here are some pics.

More S.F. Photos

Even More

Home again

Sigh. I'm home. It is so hard to leave those two munchkins, especially when Gracie is saying in the backseat "Papa no go home." I wish we lived closer. I'm already planning my next visit. We had such a blast and the time flew by way too quickly. We spent all day Thursday at Bonfante Gardens. It was a beautiful day, and we had so much fun, but the best part was we met up with Stacey from Teague Family Adventures and Mary Mia from Do They Have Salsa in China? It was so fun meeting people whose blogs I spend so much of my time reading! I LOVE blogging! Of course, I got to meet Stacey's son Austin and brand new baby sister Ryleigh. Both very cute! Cameron and Austin had so much fun riding the rides and playing in the water fountain together. I can hardly wait until I have a little one for Ryleigh and Gracie to play with! Those Northern CA bloggers are so lucky. I think we Southern CA bloggers need to plan a little get-together. How about it? I'll plan it, if anyone is interested. I'm a little jealous of their get-togethers, and would love to have one of our own. E-mail me if you want to. C'mon, it'll be fun! :) It doesn't matter whether you already have your little one home, are waiting, or are just starting the process. We adoptive Moms have to stick together! Oh, I was going to finish my "six unusual things about me" list. I was talking on the phone to my husband last night and happened to mention that I had been "tagged" and that I had to come up with six wierd things about me and I was having a hard time thinking of things. So he promptly begins naming off tons of wierd facts about me that I could use. Ummm..Thanks honey! So now I have a whole list of things to choose from!
3. I was reminded of this just today. I hate squirrels. They creep me out. We saw some at the park today and they were running around like crazy, jumping into the air and rolling around on the ground. Watching them actually gave me the chills. To me they look like rats with fluffy tails. When I was a kid my Mom used to take us camping quite a bit. I remember we stayed at this one campground in Florida for what seemed like a long period of time(I was small, so it could very well have been only a couple of days, but it seemed like a long time to me). They had a lot of squirrels in this campground, and they were quite tame. They used to come into our Volkswagon Van to get the food. It scared the heck out of me. I used to have nightmares that they would come into my sleeping bag in the middle of the night and bite me. I hate squirrels! I don't care what anyone says, they are not cute! Today at the park I got my niece to say "I'm cared(scared)" of the squirrels. Good!
4. I love to watch true crime movies and/or television shows. I am fascinated by them. It is so unbelievable to me that seemingly normal people could commit such horrific crimes and nobody suspect them. The neighbors always say "He/she seemed like a perfectly well adjusted person to me". Consequently, I am often very paranoid of strangers, especially white males in their mid twenties-early thirties. Especially if they are clean cut and good looking. Aren't they always the ones who abduct young women and keep them in their basements before killing them and dumping the bodies in a nearby wooded area? I watch so many of these shows that I often think my neighbors are criminals. Remember when I thought our next door neighbor was chopping up his family with an electric saw because I heard him using it at ten o'clock at night? Yeah, I have a problem. It doesn't stop me from watching those shows though!
5. My whole life, until I was nineteen or so, I hated tomatoes(raw tomatoes). I couldn't stand the smell of them, and I wouldn't eat anything that they were on. One day, a fast food restaurant messed up my order and forgot to leave the tomato off of my sandwich. I was lementing this fact to my husband(then boyfriend), and complaining that I was so hungry, but I would not eat that sandwich that had tomato on it. Finally, Joe turned to me and said "Have you ever tried tomatoes?" I was offended and answered "Of course"! He said, "Just try the sandwich with the tomato. If you absolutely hate it, then I'll go back and get you another one without tomato." So I tried it. And you know what? I liked it! Yes, I know this sounds a lot like the "Green eggs and ham" story. So now I love tomatoes. I love them on burgers, in salads, even all alone!(And on a train, and in the rain...you get the picture:) Just think, I would probably hate tomatoes still today if my husband had not urged me to try them!
6. I am afraid of the dark. I think it stems from my television watching habits(see number 4 above). I will not go into a room if the lights are not on. If I am sleeping alone, I leave one small light on. Once, at our old house, the electricity was turned off because of a misunderstanding with the power co.(it wasn't my fault, I swear). I returned home from work and refused to go into the house alone. This was before I had a cell phone, so I couldn't call anyone. I waited in my car over two and a half hours for my husband to come home. I made him go into the house and light tons of candles before I would get out of my car. If I get home from work after it is dark and Joe isn't home, I go through the house turning a light on in each room as I go. If a light isn't working, I won't go into that room. Hey, I didn't say it was a rational fear!
Well, that's it. Six wierd things about me. That wasn't too bad. I could probably fill two or three more pages, but the challenge only called for six!

Having fun in San Francisco and I've been tagged

We've been so busy I haven't had time to post. It's also hard to wrestle the computer away from Lisa during the day and Scott at night! This week is flying by. We visited Chinatown yesterday. I bought Sophie a cute little Panda wearing a Chinese outfit. I also bought some cute slippers and Lisa bought me some beautiful cards and a stamp that says "thank you" in Chinese. I'm going to use them for my baby shower, even though it's going to be like a million years before I have it. I'll post pictures after I get home. Today the kids had school and then it was such a nice day we came home and the kids played in the little swimming pool out on the deck. After nap time we took a nature walk on San Bruno Mountain and Cameron flew his kite. Oh, and Lisa and I squeezed in some shopping while the kids were at school. A fun couple of days! Tomorrow we are headed to Bonfante Gardens for the day. Then home on Friday. The time always goes by too fast when we are here. I've been tagged, so I'm supposed to post six wierd things about me. Hmmm...I might have to think about this a little. Pretty much everything is wierd about me, so it might be hard for me to choose just six. Maybe I'll post a couple now and the rest later.

1. I am very high maitenance when it comes to sleep. The room has to be completely dark. I have to have three pillows. One for my head, and one on either side of me. I can't sleep without earplugs. I started using them because we had noisy upstairs neighbors who kept very strange hours and then it became a habit. I also sleep with a white noise machine on(in case the ear plugs don't do the trick). I have sleep apnea and I sleep with a CPAP machine. It is hideous. I have had serious problems with insomnia in the past, so I often take a sleeping pill to help me sleep. If there is ever a fire in the middle of the night, I'm convinced I will die because I am drugged, I can't hear anything, I am wedged into the bed because of all of the pillows, and I have that machine on my face. Joe assures me he will make sure I get out alive. I don't believe him.

2. I have Stage V endometriosis. I have had it since I was fifteen, but it went undiagnosed for ten years. My first gynecologist said I was over reacting about the pain and I should take some Tylenol when I had my period. I have had three surgeries to correct it,the last one in Dec. of last year. None of them have been successful. It causes me severe cramping and pain ten days out of every month. It is a disease, and currently there is no cure. No one I know understands it, and often are frustrated that I don't feel good a lot of the time. I stopped writing about the pain on this blog because it seemed like I was whining too much and nobody wanted to hear it. Now I write in a diary. I told my co-workers the last surgery worked, because I got sick of them saying "You should go see a doctor about that" every single month. It is something I struggle with silently. Only my husband really knows the anguish it causes me. I'm pretty much just biding my time until I have a hysterectomy. Because of it, I have much more sympathy for people that suffer from chronic pain.
My time on the computer is up, so I'll have to finish this up tomorrow!

Happy Easter!

We arrived safely in S.F. yesterday evening, and went straight to dinner at Macaroni Grill. Yum! I'm not sure how often I'll be posting, as I can't seem to get Lisa's internet connection to work with my computer. That means any pictures and such will probably found on Lisa's site. I hope everyone is having a Happy Easter! Or Passover, or just a nice Sunday if that applies to you!

Leavin' on a jet plane

Just sitting here at the airport waiting for our flight to leave. We got here pretty early, as I originally thought the flight was at 3:00. It is actually at 3:55. Yeah, I'm not so good with remembering times(or dates either). We were like the first people here. Only an hour and a half to go. Somebody help me! At least they have wireless internet. What would I do if I didn't have blogs to check? :) More later after we arrive. I'm sure I'll be babysitting the munchkins tonight.

I Heart Joaquin Phoenix

We just finished watching Walk the Line with Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. It was so so good. I can't believe we waited so long to see it. Joaquin Phoenix was amazing. He's pretty cute too! I think I love him. Don't tell my husband.

Spring Break is Here!

Finally! Today is the first day of Spring Break. Woo Hoo! I have the next 10 days off. Because I work at a Catholic school we get Good Friday off too. Ten days of laying in the sun drinking tropical drinks, napping and reading. Oops, that was my imagination running away with me again! I'm actually going to be spending the week in San Fransisco with my sister and niece and nephew. So instead of a bathing suit I'll be wearing this and probably this. And carrying around this. And instead of doing this, I'm sure there will be plenty of this. Or, if by some chance it isn't raining, this. Of course, whenever my sister and I get together, we always make time for a little of this. And we'll be visiting here quite often too. And if we are really lucky(and can find a babysitter), we may even get one of these. Mostly I'll just be spending a lot of quality time with these two. I'd take a week of that over laying in the sun sipping tropical drinks any day! San Fransisco, here I come!

Latest Digital Foray

Well, I did it. I started a new blog for all of my scrapbook pages. You can find it here. Here is my latest digital scrapbook page. I will probably only post these at the other blog now.

Joe and I have just returned home from the Hospital. No, we're not sick. We went there to donate blood for Shelley's husband. Unfrotunately, when they tested my blood my hemoglobin levels were too low for me to donate. I was so bummed. They said it could be because I just got off my period(I bleed a lot, especially this last time). I'm a litle concerned though, because when I checked it out on the internet, it seems I am a little anemic. Just yesterday I was telling Joe that I was going to make an appoinment with the doctor to talk about how exhausted I have been feeling lately. I may have found the culprit. Anyway, I couldn't donate any blood, but Joe was able to. I hope that it helps a little bit. Sorry I was MIA yesterday. I met with Joe before his night class, then rushed home to get ready to go to dinner with my infertility group. I must find a different name for them! How about I just call them my friends, since that's what they are now? I can't tell you how much they have helped me in the last year dealing with the grief of infertility. I don't know where I would be without them. And one of them is moving away and I'm so bummed! She promises to come visit often. I hope so! Thanks for all of your kind comments regarding my digiscrapping. I can tell you how I did it, but I have a Macintosh computer and I have no idea if the instructions would be the same on a P.C. or not. The first thing I did was download a free trial of a program called Photoprinto. I think it is a program only for Macs, but I am not sure about that. The second thing I did was go to this site and download some free digital scrapbooking stuff(templates, clip art, backgrounds, etc.). Just type "free digital scrapbooking" into Google and you'll find a ton of web sites to download from. Then I opened the photoprinto program, as well as the free stuff I wanted to use. All you have to do with this program is "drag and drop" the artwork from the folder onto your scrapbook page. Then you resize it and move it around until you like the look of it. You add layers by "moving objects to front or back" every time you add something. To add photos, you just open Iphoto, and drag and drop the pictures onto your page. Resize them and place them where you want them and Ta da! Done! I can't believe how easy it was. I am planning on printing the layouts out eventually, but right now all I have are pictures of our garden since the old computer died and we haven't had the info on it salvaged yet. I may snap som pictures of the doggies tonight so I can play around with them.

My second digital scrapbook page

I know they're pretty basic, and I'm still using "freebies" that I found on the internet, but I'm proud of them anyway! If this keeps up I may have to go ahead and start up that other blog just for scrapbooking that I'm always talking about.

My first attempt at Digital scrapping

Well, here it is. My very first digital scrapbook page. It took me almost as long to figure out how do it as it would have to make an actual page! I think it turned out O.K. With more time and patience, I think I can do better. Oh, and I was inspired by this site to try it. It's good to try new things!

Is there anything better than this?

I think not! Thanks Dad, for the yummy strawberries. As you can see, we put them to good use!

A Perfect Sunday

We're finally feeling better around here. The Plague seems to be gone. Thank goodness! We had our last visit with the social worker yesterday. It went fine. We barely cleaned at all. So different from the first time she came! It looks like we're kind of in a holding pattern until I go back to the urologist for the tests he ordered. Our homestudy is almost finished, but she will need my medical form to complete it. There's nothing we can do right now but wait until the end of April, when my tests are scheduled. I guess I'd better get used to this waiting thing. Apparently we're going to be doing a lot of it! We just kind of hung around the house yesterday after the visit. We were both still feeling tired from being sick. Today I had breakfast with my Dad, since I had to go over and pick up my suitcase for next week's trip to S.F. Only six more days to go. Yippee! After I got home from Dad's, Joe and I headed over to the Laguna Coast Wilderness Park for some hiking. Now that the time has changed, we have vowed to get off of the couch more and actually get some exercise! It is so beautiful there, and it is just a short jaunt down the road for us. It is amazing what you can find practically in your own backyard(if you just get off of the couch and look!) We took a brisk 45 minute hike through the Laguna Canyons. Beautiful! And the weather was perfect. Just enough of a breeze to keep us cool, which was good because I was sweating up a storm! Man I'm out of shape! After the hike we stopped in at Laguna Koi Ponds, where we saw lots of these. Joe loves it there. We never drive through Laguna Canyon without stopping by. I could tell he's bummed we don't have our pond set up right now. We took it down for our first social worker visit. We thought it was too much of a safety hazard for a toddler. With the wait times looking longer and longer, we might just decide to set it back up for the Summer. It brought Joe so much enjoyment last summer(and me too), especially when we had fish in it. We can always take it back down again when we get closer to a referral. I'm off to make dinner, then Joe and I are going to watch a movie on pay-per-view. A perfect Sunday!

The Plague

We are all pretty sick at my house. What I thought could have been food posioning is apparently some kind of nasty intestinal bug. Joe came down with it today as well. Since we didn't eat the same thing for lunch yesterday, it is unlikely that it was food poisoning. Between almost hemorraging because of my period, and then losing all the bodily fluids I did yesterday, I feel like a walking corpse. Come to think of it, I look like a walking corpse! I have circles under my eyes that almost look like black eyes, they are so large and dark. Joe didn't have to work today, so he hasn't left the couch. Unfortunately I did have to work, so I dragged myself there this morning and made it till a little after twelve before I was sent home by my co-workers. I went right to bed, and slept for three and a half hours! I'm still exhausted. I've been chugging Gatorade by the bottle, but there is no way that I'm not totally dehydrated. The house is still a mess and the social worker is coming tomorrow for her last visit. I pray that I feel better in the morning so I can do at least a couple of loads of laundry and vacuum the house.

Abort "the plan"

If you were patient enough to read the post before last, please disregard it. And I apologize for it being so lengthy. Boy, sometimes I think I just like the sound of my own typing(ha!), the way I go on and on sometimes. Anyway, today went nothing like the way I had planned, but nothing ever does, right? The first part of the plan went exactly as I wrote it. Including the part about the radiologist telling me I am clean and there is nothing to worry about and I'll see you next year. Yay! So relieved! In fact, everything went off as scheduled until exactly 12:45. That was when I arrived home from lunch with my husband. This is where the plan went terribly awry.
After I got home I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that I decided I would take a short nap
before I began cleaning the house. So I went into the bedroom to lay down. The next thing I remember is being woken up by stomach cramps and a severe feeling of neasousness. Ummm...and it was four o' clock in the afternoon! Hellooo.....I slept for three hours! So much for the "short nap"! And on top of that, I was feeling seriously ill. So I spent the next hour either on the toilet of laying on the bathroom floor! Not fun. I'm not sure if it had something to do with my period, or what I ate for lunch, but I am so happy to be feeling better now! Needless to say, nothing else on that list was accomplished today. Unless I add "laying on the couch for hours" or "taking a 30 minute shower" to it. Oh well, there's always tomorrow!

A Huge Relief

My second breast scan came back clean! I do NOT have a lump in my breast! Whew!

The plan for today

So far I am not enjoying my day off as much as I had hoped. I didn't sleep again last night. At five a.m. I was wide awake and ready to scream because I was so tired and yet couldn't sleep. It has to be some kind of cruel joke that I awoke at that ungodly hour on a day that I could have slept in! *Warning* Gross Menstrual talk ahead* This has been the period from Hell. I am bleeding more than I think I ever have in my life. That's one of the reasons I couldn't sleep. I had to keep getting up and cleaning myself up. I soaked through two pairs of sweat pants. I finally just put a towel in the bed so I wouldn't have to keep getting up. I soaked that too. I may have to call the doctor. I always put off doing so because A) They never seem too concerned, and B) I always wait so long to call that the problem subsides. That seems to be the case now. It has at least slowed quite a bit from last night. I fell like crap though. Lightheaded. Severe headache. Cramps. Exhausted. Blech. *Gross menstrual talk is now over.* Thank goodness I don't have to go to work. Anyway, here is what I have planned for today. I don't know if I will accomplish it all, but here's what I hope to get done:
10:00 a.m. Leave the house to get to my doctor's appointment, allowing myself plenty of time for traffic.
10:20-10:30 Arrive at Doctor's office
10:30 They take me back right on time for my exam(hey, one can always hope!)
11:00 Meet with radiologist to go over results of said exam. He/she tells me that my scan is clean and there is absolutely nothing to worry about and we'll see you next year(the power of positive thinking)
11:30 Go to lunch with my husband
12:45 Arrive home.
12:45-1:45 Clean the whole house, top to bottom. Kitchen, bathroom, living room and bedroom, complete with mopping of floors and getting a handle on the uncontrollable laundry situation that is going on in our bedroom.
1:45-1:30 Run errands. Pick up prescriptions and something for dinner.
1:30-2:00 Stop by scrapbook store to pick up supplies for more mini books. I want to try one that is geared towards the trip to China. I'm tossing around the idea of selling these(trying to sell them).
2:00-2:30 Take the dogs for a brisk walk. The weather is beautiful today! So different from yesterday.
2:30-3:30 Begin mini scrapbook
3:30-4:30 Mess around on the computer. Check my blogs.
4:30-5:30 Finish laundry. Fold and put it all away(this will never happen. Again, the power of positive thinking!)
5:30-6:00 Prepare dinner.
6:00-6:30 Eat dinner
6:30 Prepare dinner for Joe.
6:30-7:00 Wash dishes, clean up after dinner
7:15 Greet Joe at ther door, get him his dinner.
Spend the rest of the night cuddled up on the couch with husband. A very fruitful day!

A Better Day

Today was a good day. I'm feeling better, I had fun with the kids today, and it is Joe's night off. Yay! I am hating this teaching three nights a week schedule. I miss him when he's gone. Oh well, only 10 more weeks of the semester for him until he has a new schedule for me to get used to. Today is made all that much better by the fact that I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Yahoo!! I am having my second breast scan done and I took a sick day. Even though I'm pretty sure there is nothing to worry about, I didn't want to have to go to work if it was not good news. That means I get to sleep in tomorrow. Double Yahoo! This time change is messing with me big time. I simply. cannot. get. up. in the morning. I'm sorry, but my body thinks it is still 4:30 a.m. instead of 5:30 like it is used to! Add to that the fact that I simply cannot fall asleep before 11:00(again, my body thinking it is earlier!), and that equals me being exhausted this week. Soooo tired. I imagine this must be how you parents feel when your kids keep you up at night. Not good! Anyway, I am super happy about not having to go to work tomorrow. Now I must go and make dinner. Chicken Tortilla Soup. Mmmmmm.......! Is it me, or does it seem like I am always on this computer when I am supposed to be making dinner? :)

Crazy

It has been a hectic two days. So hectic, in fact that I had a meltdown in my car today, crying on the phone to my husband. Don't worry. He's used to these, and he knows exactly how to handle them. I am much better now. I am sitting at home on my couch in my sweatpants with my new computer on my lap. Ahhh..much better! (Did I forget to mention that I also have a pint of Hagen Dazs Triple Chocolate Ice Cream with me?) Anyway, the reason for the meltdown. I started my period today(thus the crying and the chocolate ice cream). Finally. I have been having a lot of pain this month and this means I'll finally be feeling better. Did anyone happen to notice how I didn't post even one entry about how much pain I have been in? Yup, I'm trying to keep the blog lighthearted and cheerful these days. Anyway, those weren't the only reasons for the meltdown. Yesterday I saw a Urologist. My primary doctor made me go see one because my urine test keeps coming back abnormal and he won't sign off on my med form for the adoption until he finds out why. So I went yesterday. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know what one was. I was kind of hoping to go there and tell him I was fine, and I just needed a note from him so I could get my medical form signed off. That's it. I wasn't expecting an exam, and I certainly wasn't expecting what he told me. So he comes into the room and starts going over my chart and he asks me why I am there. I tell him the only reason I am there is to get my medical form signed saying I am fine so that we can adopt a child. I tell him I am having no symptoms, and I don't even know what's wrong with my urine test results. He looks at the results and says "Well, you have blood in your urine." Then he pauses and looks at me kind of funny and continues "A lot of blood. Are you sure you aren't experiencing any other symptoms?" I tell him "No, I didn't even know about the blood, and I wouldn't have known if I hadn't had a physical". Then he asks me whether or not I have been having any pain. This is where it gets dicey. I told him "Yes, I have a lot of pain, every month, but that's because of Stage V endometroisis, not because of my bladder". And he says "Hmmm...I'm not so sure that's the case. I think it is possible that the pelvic pain from the endometroisis is masking the pain in your bladder. No one has that much blood in their urine unless there is a reason." By this time I am confused, and a little bit scared. I wasn't expecting this at all. So I ask him "What kinds of things would cause blood in your urine like that?" And he answers(slowly). "There are three probable causes. Cancer, a large kidney stone, or cysts in your bladder." Those were his exact words. He follows that statement by saying "Of course we would be least worried about the Cancer, given your age and family history." But I don't hear that part clearly because I'm thinking "What????? Did he say Cancer? What's he talking about? And what family history is he referring to? I clearly wrote "unknown" on that part of the form, and wrote "adopted" next to it. I don't know my family history you idiot! For all I know, my mother is dead of Cancer as we speak! And if you are least worried about that, why did you mention it first?" Luckily, that part of the conversation only occurred in my head! Instead I calmly answered "O.K. What do I do?" He said first I had to have an exam. I was a kind of nervous. I usually like to be a little more prepared when I have to take my pants off at the doctors. Now if you have never been examined my a urologist before, it is very similiar to a visit to the gynecologist. Except that it's a little different. It's a little, how should I say this, more intimate. Let's just say my husband hasn't been that intimate with me in a very long time! Your urethra lies on the upper lining of your woman parts, and is kind of hidden in the.........folds. Here is a very good site that explains it quite well. Caution. It is very graphic. Anyway, the exam was quite strange and I felt pretty uncomfortable. The doctor himself was very professional and he did nothing himself to make me uncomfortable, and there was nurse present too, of course. It's just that I am uncomfortable being touched in the places he had to touch me to do the exam. Anyway long(long) story short, I have to go back for a bunch more tests to detemine why there is blood(a lot of blood) in my urine. I get to have a camera put into my urethra, and I get to have a series of X-rays that takes 45 minutes to complete, while my bladder is full. Whooee, there is a lot of fun to be had by me in the next couple of weeks! Add to that my second mammogram on Thursday, and I think I may have had all the fun I can handle! Now I must go and throw something together for dinner quickly before Joe gets home because holy cow, it's 7:15 already and I haven't made dinner yet! This time change is really messing me up.

Pictures of the Baby Book

Here is the baby scrapbook I made for one of my pregnant friends. I'll be making a few more of these, so if you are pregnant and you are my friend, please don't look! Just kidding. You can look. I'm thinking about making one for myself with the new Michael Miller paper I just bought on e-bay. It is so cute! I love all of the ribbons and the doo dads inside. That class was well worth the time and money spent.

Even the back cover is cute!

Gracie's Video

Okay, I've been wanting to post this video here forever, but had no idea how to do it. It's not really Gracie's "Gotcha Day" Video. It's a slideshow I made of some of the pictures I took in China. There are some pictures of gotcha day included though. The song is called "Love Takes the Best of You" by Catie Curtis, who is one of my favorite artists. All of her songs are beautiful, but this one touched me to the core when I first heard it, a couple of months after Lisa and Scott announced they were going to adopt a baby from China. Of course I made a video for Cameron too, so I'll post that one probably tomorrow.

Computer Love

I love my new computer. Love, love, love it! Did I mention I LOVE it? :)
There's only one problem. I haven't moved from the couch ALL DAY. I've been on the computer the whole time(except for one small break to prepare breakfast. Hey, we've got to eat!) That's it! I must. move. off. the. couch. I am getting nothing productive done. I'm just fooling around. We are planning on going for a walk later, and since it will be light until almost seven, we may actually do it! (Unless we are really that lazy)

Well I obviously made it until Friday, as maddeningly slow as last week went for me.
The good news is as I sit here and write this, I am doing so on my very own computer!
No, I wasn't able to get mine fixed. With some help from my Dad, I was able to get financed for one of these. Thanks Dad!
That means that not only do I now own a laptop, I also have a better computer than Joe! Am I lucky or what? It is just. so. cool. Needless to say, Joe is not exactly thrilled about mine being better than his. I think it's a guy thing. We have decided that when his computer is paid off, he can sell his and we'll get him a new one. I also promised to share mine with him too. It has a bigger screen than his, so when we are at home and he is working on his web site he can use mine. Both of them being Macs, all we have to to is connect a cord from one to the other to transfer information back and forth. One of the very cool features that it has is a camera built right into the top of the screen! I took this picture with it! I also got this very cool laptop case for it. Isn't it pretty? I'm doing a great big happy dance over here at my house!

Finally Friday(almost)

I made it through this unbelievably long week. I still have not gotten around to taking pictures of the baby book. What can I say? I'm lazy. Maybe I'll have time to do it this weekend. Sharing the computer has not been all that bad this week, as Joe has been on Spring Break from his night class. Next week will be a different story. I guess I'd better get used to it though. Joe says not to worry, that we can get another computer as soon as his is paid off. Our bank gave us a two year computer loan at 2% interest. So I got all excited, until I went online to see how soon that would be. We still have eight months of payments left on it. I'm not so excited anymore. I'm bummed. Oh well. I guess I'm going to get used to waiting, between the adoption and the new computer. This will make me a more patient person, right? Joe and I went to the movies again today. Twice in one week, that's got to be a record for us! We saw Thank You for Smoking. I wasn't so sure I was going to like it, but it was actually hilarious and I really liked it a lot. I definitely recommend it. Other than that, pretty boring around here. The Social Worker called and scheduled our last visit. She'll be coming by a week from Saturday. She said she would have our home-study done a week after that. I have set a goal for us to have the dossier done by the end of May. We are well on our way to making that a reality. At least I feel good about that!

The scrapbook class was good. We were too busy making our books to talk much about babies, and there were no pregnant people there. Yay. The scrapbook itself turned out simply adorable. I can say that, because I had nothing to do with the actual design. All I did was follow directions and put it together. I'll post pictures tomorrow, if I can wrestle the computer away from my husband for a little while. This week is draaaaagging by. We did go to the movies today. That was fun. It helps break up the week a little bit. We always go during the week, to the matinee, after a movie has been out for at least a week or so. What can I say? We're anti-social! We saw Inside Man with Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, and Jodie Foster. It was pretty good. It kept my interest throughout, which is saying a lot since I have the attention span of a two year old. Well, Joe's giving me the evil eye because he wants the computer back. It's my bed time anyway. Good night!

A Quick Post

I only have time for a quick post today before I head out the door to a scrapbook class that I signed up for. The theme is "Babymania". No, I have not lost my mind. Normally I wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of new mothers. I can't help it. It's the infertile in me. No, I'm not taking this class for me. I have at least three friends that are having babies and I want to make scrapbooks for them. If I can make one in class, I'm pretty sure I can get the other two done by the time the babies come along. Today was a good day, despite the rain and having to keep the kids inside all day. One day inside is usaully O.K. two days in is another story. I think we're headed that way considering how hard it's raining right now. The outlook for the c omputer doesn't look good. They aren't sure if it can be fixed, and at $85.00 an hour I'm not sure I want them to try! They said they can get the stuff off of the hardrive for me to transfer to another unit, but we don't have anything to transfer it to at the moment. Big Bummer. I guess we'll be sharing a computer, at least for now. It hasn't been that bad, I guess. (Yeah right! Check back with me in a week!)

Pretty good for a Monday

Today was O.K. Not bad, as far as Mondays go. Fairly uneventful. Lately it seems like I am living purely for the weekend. Am I the only person that feels this way? I'm serious, I am already counting off the days until Friday. On a Monday! That's just sad. I think it may have to do with the fact that Easter falls much later this year than it did last year, and there are still two more weeks until Spring Break. That means we will have gone six weeks without a day off! Now if you have a regular job(like at a bank or grocery store or something), I know you won't be sympathetic, but when you work in the Education field you are used to having the occasional holiday off. My school hasn't been off since President's Day. Those holidays are the only thing keeping me sane! Working with kids has a high burnout rate, and when you don't get a break now and then you feel like you're going to go crazy(at least I do)! So lately I've basically just been going through the motions each week until the long awaited Friday comes along. I'm dying for a three day weekend! Maybe it's Spring Fever. I don't know. What I do know is I am coounting the days until Spring Break when I get to spend a week with my niece and nephew.
Only 18 days to go. Sigh.

Scrapbook page for my sister

I made this scrapbook page of my nephew for my sister. I really liked the colors and the layout. I can't take credit for it though. It was a pre-made kit I picked up at my scrapbook store. Gotta love those!

This is the text at the top. The circle says "Cameron Garret 2006 four and a half years old"

A More Positive Outlook

I seem to be over the drama I was feeling yesterday and Friday. Thanks for all the kind words. Now that I know how common it is for people to have to have a second scan, the more sure I am that this is nothing to be worried about. I've decided to put it out of my mind(at least until a couple of days before the scan!) Note to self: Do NOT watch the movie "StepMom" while feeling hormonal and laying around home alone on a Saturday!

My Word Cloud

Well, I've succumbed to peer pressure(plus, they're so cool), so here's my word cloud

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the last post. I probably shouldn't have shared the information regarding my breast. I don't want to scare anyone, especially my family. I should have waited until the second scan before I mentioned it. It's just that I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. The news came totally out of left field for me, because honestly I only had the mammogram because I had turned thirty five and didn't know my family history. I never in a million years thought the results would come back anything but completely normal. I was totally shocked when they said they wanted me to have a second scan. I'm feeling kind of alone in all of this too. Joe won't even talk about it. He says that everything is going to be fine, that it's just a cyst and since we can't do anything about it right now, why worry? I think he can't even entertain the thought of it being something bad. Everyone at work blew it off in the same fashion. They said that the second scan is only precautionary and it almost always turns out to be a cyst or something else not serious. It isn't just my imagination that is running wild with horrific thoughts of breast cancer. I have first hand experience with it. I've seen what it does to people, what it does to their family. It has claimed the lives of two moms at my workplace in the last two years. I saw what they went through. It terrified me. I know there's nothing that can be done now, but it's in my nature to worry. I am good at it. And so I guess I'll worry in silence for the next thirteen days. I think it may be the longest thirteen days of my life.

The end of a looonng week

I am so glad it's Friday! This week wasn't the greatest. Some weeks are like that I guess. I'm still struggling with the headaches. A visit to the doctor is beginning to look inevitable. My computer is still not working. I'm starting to have serious withdrawals. We're taking it in tomorrow to see what can be done. If they can't fix it I'm not sure what I'll do. Sharing a computer with my husband would be imposible. he is on it twenty four seven. I am hoping they can find the problem and it is fixable. On the adoption front, my medical form is still not done. Apparently my urine test keeps coming back "abnormal". The doctor's office said they can't sign the form saying everything is O.K. until I see a Urologist. I don't want the form to say abnormal because I'm afraid we will have to explain later, so I am seeing a urologist on the third. Who knows how long this will delay things. Unfortunatly, that's the good news. I received a call yesterday from the Breast Care Center. There appears to be a "density" in my right breast. I have to go back for a more in-depth scan. This is really freaking me out. I know the chances are pretty good that it's nothing to be concerned about, but it still worries me. They can't get me in for another scan until April 6th, so that's two more weeks of worrying. I should be nice and worked up by then! It's probably nothing. I'm pretty sure it's nothing. I hope it's nothing. But what if it isn't?

Nothing New Here

Today was just another non-eventful day around here. I'm dissapointed because tonight is Joe's only night off from teaching and we were supposed to go get our criminal clearance letters AND apply for his passport. The only problem is I got a terrible headache around two o'clock and it became progressivly worse as the afternoon went on. It took all of me just to drive myself home and then all I could do was lay on the couch with a heating pack on my head. Thankfully, it seems to have subsided for now. I've been getting pretty bad headaches like this for the last two months or so. If it keeps up I'll have to go to the doctor I suppose. I'm pretty sure they are hormonal, as I only get them during certain times of the month. They really are horrible, and sometimes they last up to three or four days. On another not, I am truly disliking the schedule Joe has this semester. He is teaching every night but Wednesdays and Fridays, and he's only home during the day for an hour or so. I don't get to see that much of him, and he isn't cleaning the house or doing the dishes like he used to do when he was home during the day(I'm spoiled, I know). It seems like our schedules totally clash right now too. Every time I have a quiet moment at work and I call him, he is always in the middle of a lecture and all I get is voicemail. Then when he finally does call me back, it's the busiest time for me and there are kids screaming in the background so I can hardly hear him. (Who am I kidding? There are always kids screaming in the background when I am at work!) Anyway, all of this has left me feeling a little neglected. It doesn't help that I feel crummy the one night he is off. Hmmm...sounds like I might be feeling a little sorry for myself. Time to snap out of it! Tommorow is another day.........

Good Wishes

I have been working on my wishes for some blogging buddy's 100 wishes quilts. I have finished three of them. One is for Julie at Wandering Child. The second is for Jen at Stay at Home Motherdom . The third is for Shelli at Turnips and Carrots. I have a few more wishes to get out. If anyone is interested in receiving a wish, just e-mail me and let me know. I bought a bunch of fabric and printed up a few more wishes and would be happy to send one out to whoever wants one. I will be requesting wishes for my quilt after we are DTC.

Corners of My Home #3

Here is the third installment of Corners of my Home. This is a picture of our patio. We live in an apartment so we don't have a backyard, just this patio that is off of the living room. It's an O.K. size, as far as patios go. It is big enought to store some stuff and there is plenty of room for a small sand box or blow up pool for when Sophie comes. We really cleaned it up quite a bit for the homestudy. Joe had bought a few plants and flowers to put out there when the S.W. came, but since then he has caught spring fever and planted a bunch more plants and flowers in containers. It looks very pretty out there right now. This is a picture of the new table he built to hold some of the flowers. He also put shelves all around the perimeter of the fence and has filled those with beautiful plants too. As long as he takes care of them and not me, they should be fine. I was not born with a green thumb!

Lazy Sunday

It's been a wonderful day, just hanging around the house. I seem to have recovered from whatever it was that kept me in my P.J.'s all day yesterday. I like Sundays where most of the "chores" are done and you get to do whatever you want. The laundry and dishes are done and the house is still relatively clean from the home-study, so there wasn't a lot that needed to be done. I did make some killer homemade eggplant parmesan that we are planning on having for dinner. We were watching Iron Chef America last night(Joe just loves that show) and the secret ingredient was eggplant. Well of course one of the chefs made eggplant parmesan for one of their dishes and it looked so good that I decided I. Must. Have. Some. So off to the grocery store I went to get the ingredients. I'll post the recipe later. I got it off of Food TV dot com. It is one of Mario Battali's recipes so you know it's good! I can hardly wait until dinner. I may not be able to post much this week as my computer crashed on Friday and I don't know how long it will be until we can fix it. Joe has been kind enough to let me use his computer this weekend, but he is gone for most of the week so it won't be available to me. I think I may go through withdrawals if we can't get mine fixed right away. I could really use a new one, as my computer is a good six years old, but that certainly isn't in the budget right now so I hope it is something we can fix(cheaply).

Slicing the eggplant

Frying the eggplant

The homemade sauce

The finished product

Yum!

St. Patrick's Day Fun

I'm dragging a little bit today. For the first time in many, many years Joe and I actually went out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. We didn't get home until close to 1:00 in the morning. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I just got up! (I know, I know I won't be able to do that when we have kids) . We had planned this little outing quite a while ago. We went to the Coach House to see Flock of Seagulls. Remember them? They were big in the eighties(yes, I am that old). Their one big hit was "I Ran". This is what they look like now. The only original member is the lead singer(the guy in the last picture with the interesting hair do), which of course prompted us to make many jokes about how they should change their name to just "The Seagull"(since the rest of the flock is gone). Ha! Ha! We arrived at the concert hall at about 6:30 to have dinner. Unfortunatly I didn't look closely enough at the tickets so I didn't realize there would be three other bands playing before them. So we were subjected to the music of three ametuer bands before the band we actually came to see went on. For your enjoyment, here is a song from the first band, called Saint Monday Shakes. They are a punk band. If you enjoy deafening drums and guitar, coupled with screaming, then this band is for you! I'm fairly certain I will never regain complete hearing in my left ear after hearing them play! They were followed by a band called Three Mile Walk. They are an "alternative" band. They were much better than the first band, but still very loud. They came on at about 9:30. That's my bedtime, so I was starting to kind of lose it at this point. But there was still more fun to be had! So next came a band called Blood Proxy. They are classified as rock/gothic . If you really want to have some fun, go to that link and listen to the second song, called Death Wish. Oh yeah, that's some good music there! Sitting next to us was a couple that looked to be in their sixties. We couldn't figure out why in the world they would want to go to a concert like that, until the lead singer from Blood Proxy came over to say hello to them. She was their daughter. They ended up leaving shortly after Flock of Seagulls came on. Now that's what I call suppporting your children in their endeavors! By now it was closing in on 11:00, and I could tell Joe was about ready to go wait in the car. I was getting pretty tired too, and the chairs we were sitting in were very hard and uncomfortable. So finally, after being subjected to listening to three other bands, Flock of Seagulls came on. I actually really enjoyed them(him?). If it hadn't been so late I think Joe would have enjoyed them too. He was pretty much ready to go home at this point. After they played their set, they came out for an encore. When that was done, he says to the crowd. "Because it is St. Patrick's Day, I'm gonna play a few more songs for you guys". I think it took all of Joe's self restraint not to stand up and scream "Nnnnnooooooo!!!!" I have to admit I was done too. But we stuck it out, and ended up getting home a little after one in the morning. It must be a sign that we are getting older, because I am so tired today that I'm not even going to go have lunch with my Dad. What happened to the days when we could stay out all night and still get up and go to work the next day? Ah, youth! I'm going right now to have a cup of coffee and some Tylenol. Happy belated St. Patrick's Day to all!

I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham

I do not like them Sam I am! It has become a tradition at my workplace to make Green Eggs and Ham for the kids on St. Patrick's Day. Of course we start off by reading the book. It never ceases to amaze me how many children(after listening to the book) will say. "I'm not eating that. I don't like it", even though they have never tried it. Helllooooo.....Were you listening to the story? Nine out of ten times I can talk them into at least tasting it, and most of the time they surprise even themselves by actually liking it!(Of course there's always that one stubborn child that refuses even a tiny taste). So today I went to the store to buy the eggs and ham for us to make tomorrow. I'll post a picture of what it looks like this weekend. It actually looks kind of gross, but it sure is yummy! Oh, here's a recipe I found on the internet for it:


Green Eggs and Ham à la Sam-I-Am

Ingredients

1-2 tablespoons of butter or margarine
4 slices of ham
8 eggs
2 tablespoons of milk
1-2 drops of green food coloring
1/4 teaspoon of salt
1/4 teaspoon of pepper

What You'll Need

knife, medium-size mixing bowl, wire whisk or eggbeater, large frying pan, spatula, aluminum foil, serving plates

1. With an adult's help, melt a teaspoon of butter in a large frying pan over medium heat. Add sliced ham and brown until edges are slightly crisp. Remove the ham from the pan, cover with aluminum foil, and set aside.

2. In a medium-size mixing bowl, combine the eggs, milk, salt, and pepper. Beat with a whisk until frothy. Then add 1-2 drops of green food coloring until you reach the desired shade of green.

3. With an adult's help, heat a tablespoon of butter or margarine in a large frying pan over medium heat until the butter begins to sizzle. Then add the egg mixture to the pan.

4. Stir the egg mixture with a spatula until the eggs are firm and not too runny.

5. Transfer the eggs to individual plates. Garnish with a sprig of parsley. Add the ham prepared earlier. Serve with toast or warm rolls.

Feeds 4 hungry green-egg lovers.

What Do You Mean That's Not My Dossier?

O.K. there's no way to tell this story without you all thinking I'm stupid, but here goes anyway. Yesterday we had our second visit with the Social Worker. All went well, until she asks us how we are coming along with our Dossier. My answer was "Oh, we're coming along great! In fact, we're almost done!" And she answers "That's great! Do you have it so I can make sure that things included in your homestudy match up with what your dossier paperworks says?" I replied "What do you mean? You have it right there!" (I was referring to the packet of stuff we completed for our homestudy-fingerprints, references, biographies, medical forms, financial info, etc). She looked a little puzzled and said "Oh no, this is just the stuff we need for the homestudy. You should have a whole lot more documents from the agency you are planning on using for the China end". To which I replied "Huh"? "You mean there's more?!" She smiled sympathetically and said. "Yes, I'm afraid there is a lot more". Then she graciously called the agency we are planning on using and had them send out the dossier package to us right away. Ummmm....Duh! Apparently we got our wires crossed somewhere. When Joe first spoke with the agency we are using for our homestudy, they gave him the impression that we were supposed to wait until the homestudy was done before we contacted the agency we will be using to facilitate with China. This is of course, not the case. We were supposed to be doing these two things concurrently(the homestudy and the dossier). In my defense, I did ask my sister about ten times "Are you sure this is all we need to do for our dossier?" And she said "Yes" every time! I blame it on the fact that she now has two children and really can't remember as far back as when she was doing the paperchase! In her defense, she used an agency that worked exclusively with USAA, whereas our agency has their own China program, and people usually use that instead of another organization. So now I am anxiuosly awaiting the dossier package so I can get started on that. The S.W. said not to worry because a lot of the dossier documents are just duplicates of things we have already done. She also said she has seen people put together their dossier in as little as three weeks(after the homestudy was completed). So I should be feeling better. But I'm not. Because now I have a whole new set of things to worry about!


On non-adoption related news, I had my first mammogram done today.
Whooeee, is that fun! :) It actually wasn't that bad. It wasn't painful at all(like one of my co-workers told me it would be). I was pretty amazed at how flat they can make your breast! Flat as a pancake I tell you! I know, I know, too much information!

Second Social Worker Visit and Lunch in La Jolla

Today was our second meeting with the Social Worker. We had our individual interviews today. All went well. I really like this S.W. I feel very lucky to have her. Our visit lasted a little over an hour, then we headed North a little bit to have lunch in La Jolla. What a pretty little town it is. We used to go there all the time when we were first dating(a million years ago), but hadn't been there in quite a while. It felt good to not have to go to work on a Tuesday. It will make the week go by much quicker!

That last post was kind of deep. Here's something to counteract it!

I got this from another blog. Kind of silly, but I thought it was cute Your Monster Profile

Hungry Destroyer You Feast On: Fried Chicken You Lurk Around In: Corn Fields You Especially Like to Torment: Pop Stars

What's Your Monster Name?

Musings from a MWFNK

Yeah, I made that up. It stands for "Married White Female, No Kids". I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. One of them being Why do I(we) have this burning need to have a child? Why is it that being "childless" was not an option for us, when other people choose this option and seem to be "O.K." with it? One of the questions the Social Worker asked was "Why do you want to be parents?" I have to say, I had a hard time with the answer. It's hard for me to put into words. I think I answered something to the effect of "Well, we have always talked about having kids. We love the idea of nurturing another human being and seeing them grow and change into who they will become. We want to pass on our morals, our views, our values to another. We want to have grandkids someday. We want to have someone to take care of us when we are old. We want to have a family."
People tell me all the time how lucky we are that we don't have children. They say they're jealous of the lack of responsibilities, the amount of time we have to spend entirely with each other. It seems they envy the freedom we have. When I come into work on Monday and I have spent the whole weekend working on my scrapbook, or laying around on a cold rainy day watching movies(like I did yesterday), or really doing nothing at all, they tell me "You're so lucky! I spent the entire day at a soccer game, or stuck inside with my kids because it was raining and they drove me crazy." It is ironic because I'm thinking to myself "I wish I had a kid so I could go watch their soccer games" or "I would love to have spent the day playing games or watching movies with my kids. My weekend was boring!" I wonder sometimes if it is a case of always wanting what we can't have? Of course I do realize that having a child is hard work. I'm not debating that. I work with children, so I do have a small(very small. I know) taste of how tiring it can be, and how much it can try your patience. I guess what I'm asking is, if we know how hard it is, how much work it will be, then why do we want to do it? And if we want it so bad, then why do we complain so much after we get it? Maybe it's just our nature as human beings to complain(I know it is mine). This whole post came about because of two reasons. The first being that my friend is having a very hard time with her child right now, and she offers that child to me almost on a daily basis. The second being that a woman offerred me her child in the grocery store. You know the scenario. I'm standing in line at the store when a woman and her toddler get in line behind me. The child is screaming and kicking and the woman is trying to hold her basket and the child, who is arching her back and crying. Subsequently, she drops her basket of food and it rolls all over the floor. As I bend down to help her retrieve the food she says to me "You want her? You can have her!" I came very close to saying "Alright! I'll take her, I can't have any of my own you know!". But I didn't. I smiled sypathetically at her as I placed the food I had picked up in her basket and moved up in the line. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone offerred me their child. I could adopt two children! I guess I'm just having a hard time with the infertility issues right now. The S.W. said that one thing China was concerned about was that the infertility issues be resolved. I think they're worried that the decision to adopt might be second choice, or "second best". Although I don't feel that way at all about our decision to adopt, we were hoping that we might have a biological child. Is that wrong? I truly wanted to be pregnant. I did. I wanted to have a big, fat belly. I wanted to feel that child inside of me. I wanted all of the attention that comes along with being pregnant(which is strange because usually I don't like being the center of attention). I know plenty of people who said being pregnant was over-rated. I also know people who have adopted/are adopting that had no desire at all to be pregnant. I'm not one of those people. I still cringe when I see a pregnant woman. It still makes me sad to walk though the Maternity Dept. at Target(on my way to the Plus Size section). It still makes me cry sometimes when I hear that one of my Moms at work or one of my friends is pregnant again. Many people I know that are my age are on their second or third child and I don't even have one. It makes me sad sometimes. Do all of these things make our decision to adopt wrong? Is there such a thing as a wrong reason to adopt a child? I don't know. What I do know is that along with the sadness, I have never felt this happy in my life. I have never felt so at peace. We are going to have a child. The further we go in this process, the more real it feels. It is happening at a much quicker rate than I thought it would, and I'm glad. Because no matter how lucky I am that I don't have kids, I know in my heart that I will feel one hundred times more lucky that I do have them. Even with all the hard work they entail.

Thoughts and Prayers Needed

I just found out that my nephew did something to his neck yesterday and is not feeling well. They're not sure what is wrong, but if he isn't feeling better today, they will have to take him back to the hospital for further tests. I need all of your prayers and/or good thoughts that everything turns out fine. I'm extremely worried.


We're sorry you aren't feeling good Cameron! We hope you feel better soon.
P.S. I sent you something really cool in the mail, but it probably won't get there for a couple of days. We love you! Aunt Michelle and Uncle Joe

Corners of my Home # 2

This corner of my home is brand new! Before I got the chair the only thing there was the little white cabinet. Since we're still in the process of cleaning out Sophie's room, Joe put the chair in the corner where the cabinet had been. It fit pretty good there, so I moved the cabinet next to it, added my new lamp and ta da! A cozy reading chair! I like it so much I'm not sure if it will make it into the baby's room after all. As you can see, somebody else likes the new corner too! I wanted to take a picture without the cat in it, but didn't want to disturb her, so I tried on several occasions to take it, but she was always in it, so I gave up and took it when she was there. Our house is so clean right now I feel like we should have people over or something. It seems kind of wasted on just the two of us! (Everyone was right about the S.W. She barely looked around. It could have been a lot less clean and still been O.K.)

The Home visit went great!

At least I think it did. The Social Worker was very nice. She was here for a little over an hour. The questions were pretty basic. We totally aced all of the parenting questions! I explained a little bit of my discipline strategies for smaller children, and Joe told her how he handles his "Big" kids. (They're actually considered adults, but they are straight from high school and I'm sorry, but they are still kids!) She said we were both right on target with our explanations. She even seemed a little bit surprised that were so knowledgeable about those things. The only time I messed up was when I admitted that I have been seeing a therapist. Joe and I both agreed ahead of time that we were only going to give out the information that was required, and no more. When she asked me outright if I had ever seen a therapist, I couldn't lie! Then she proceeded to ask me how recently I had seen her, and I admitted that I was still seeing her! Again, I simply cannot lie. She seemed a little surprised by this information. She said it should be fine as long as I get a letter from my therapist saying that my "mild depression" won't affect my parenting skills. Darn it! I should have kept my mouth shut! Anyway, we're meeting again on Tuesday in San Diego(where she's from), and then we'll have one more meeting and that's it. You guys were right. I made more of a big deal out of it than I needed to. But hey, I'm good at it! :) I'm off to pick up some lunch. I have been so nervous all day that I forgot to eat and now I'm starving!

T minus 15 minutes until the social worker comes

The house is sparkling clean. The rugs are vacuumed, the candles are lit, the coffee is made, and the cookies are on a plate on the table. I think we are ready. Thanks for all the kind words everybody. Deep down I know everything is going to be fine. It's just nervewracking. (As you all know!)

Update: 12:30 p.m. Oh my Gosh!!! It has just started hailing at our house! Isn't that some kind of bad sign????

I am supposed to be posting my second "Corners of my Home" installment, but I'm too exhausted and freaked out over the Social Worker coming tomorrow, so it will have to wait. I can't believe I'm going to work tomorrow. I wish I had taken it off. I won't be able to get home until around 12:00. That only leaves me a half hour to obsess over the rugs being vacuumed for the hundredth time, or wether or not my husband left dishes in the sink(again!) I'll post tomorrow to let you know how the visit went. We might have to go out to dinner to celebrate. Yes. I think that will definitly be necessary!

Busy as a Bee

Well, Monday's phone call sent me into a flurry of activity. I have been running all over town looking for new rugs, calling the maintenance department to see if they could come out ASAP to do some repairs we have been putting off, and picking up some flowers and plants for the front porch. I wish I had time to get the rugs cleaned. I did cover almost every square inch of carpet with a rug though. Speaking of cleaning, the housekeeping service I hired is here as I write this. Yeah, you read right. I hired someone to clean my apartment. I have never hired someone to clean before. I always do it myself. I 'm just too tired and overwhelmed to do it myself this time, and they were actually pretty inexpensive. It may become a habit! :)Probably not. I have threatened my husband with his life if he messes it up before Friday. (They let single women adopt from China, right?) Just kidding. I'm sure he will do his best to keep the place in tip top shape. He'd better!

Just another day

That's right. Today was just another day. A Monday like many other Mondays I have experienced. That is, until the phone rings at 10:55 and my boss yells from her office "Michelle- phone's for you". So I make my way to the phone, thinking for sure it is Joe. I pick up the phone and say "Hey"(That's usually how I greet my husband or sister when they call). The person on the other end says "Oh yes, is this Michelle (lastname)?". I quickly realize it is not Joe and respond "Yes it is. How may I help you?" At this point I think it is a bill collector or telemarketer or something. And she says "Hello, this is so and so from So-andSo- Adoptions. I am the Social Worker that was assigned to you. Do you have minute?" Now I am supposed to sign in 20 Kindergartners in about 5 minutes, but I could easily have someone else do it, because this phone call is very important to me! But do I say "Sure, no problem. Just let me go to a quieter place."
No! Like a moron I say "I only have about five minutes right now. Will it take much longer than that?" Huh? Why did I say THAT? She says "No, it won't take long at all." And I say "Oh, O.K. Let me go into the office where it is quieter."(The kids are screaming their heads off right now). So I go into the office and we have the following conversation:

S.W. "I was calling because I wasn't sure how much of a hurry you were in to get your Dossier finished but I am planning on being in your area soon for some other business and wondered if I could kill two birds with one stone."

Me: "Ummmm...Yeah. We would like to get this done as quickly as possible. When were you thinking?"

S.W. "Thursday or Friday."

Me: Total silence

S.W. "Hello? Are you still there?"

Me: "Ummmm..Yeah. I'm still here. Do you mean this Thursday or Friday?"

S.W. "Yes. Thursday or Friday of this week."

Me: "Ummmm...like in three or four days from now?"

S.W. "Yes. Thursday the 9th or Friday the 10th."

Me: "Uhhhhh...Yeah, Friday works for us(All the while thinking to my self WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?!)"

S.W. "Great. How about 12:30 on Friday then?"

Me: Uuhhh...Yeah, sure. 12:30 on Friday sounds good."

Then we exchanged phone numbers and such but I don't really recall the rest of the conversation because inside my head I was FREAKING OUT.
What did I just do? We are in no way ready to have a homestudy done on Friday. No. Way.
And yet we're having one! I wished for this process to go quickly and I certainly got my wish!
I have to go now. I need to breathe slowly in and out of a paperbag to keep from hyperventilating! I think that left over Xanax is going to come in handy this week!

My favorite moment of the Oscars

Is when Ludacris and 3-6 Mafia(a rap group) after "singing" the song "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" (In which they had to bleep at least two words) stand up after winning the Oscar and the first thing they say is "Thank You Jesus!" Ha Ha! That cracks me up!

Psychedelic light

On Sunday Joe and I went to Ikea. I wanted to look at the rugs and we both wanted to check out the baby rooms. We got this cool light for Sophie's room. It's very whimisical, with the beads. And it casts these cool patterns on the walls when it is lit. Psychadelic! Joe wants to be very much involved in the decorating of the baby's room(he has already scrapped my Shabby Chic theme). We have decided together on a garden theme, with bright jewel tone colors of orange, blue, pink and green. I have yet to find any linens or anything to use as an inspiration. Joe's idea was for the room to look like a garden, but as it would look from a bug's perspective, with things a bit oversized like big flowers painted on the walls. I thought that sounded kind of neat, and while at Ikea we found these . I think they fit in perfectly with our theme! I may hang one over the crib like a canopy and put the other one on the wall in a corner with some pillows, like a book corner. They look really cute in the display room at the store. We also got one of these to put stuffed animals and toys in. I think it is going to be necessary because we don't even have the child yet and she already has a shelf full of stuffed animals and toys!

Trash to Treasure

As I'm sure you've noticed from some of my earlier posts, I love a good deal. I actually don't have a choice. We're on a pretty tight budget, so if I want to buy something, it has to be on sale or I'm not getting it. So when I saw this sitting over by the trash dumpster at our apartment complex, I was estatic! I'm not so sure my husband shared my enthusiasm when I asked him to go rescue it from the trash for me! At first I thought I could just buy a slipcover for it, or even cover it with a sheet for the time being. But then my Dad gave me the number of an upholsterer he knew with very reasonable prices. So I called them, and they came to pick it up, and two weeks later they returned with this . What a transformation, right? And they only charged me $125.00! There is no way I could have bought that chair new for that amount. I'm very excited. When I first found the chair I intended for it to go in Sophie's room as a reading chair, but when I brought it home I found the perfect little corner for it in the living room. I'll post a picture next week in my second "Corners of my home" segment. I think I'll try and find a glider or maybe even a rocking chair for the baby's room. (On sale of course!)

This is what we got up early on a Saturday morning to do. We had to get blood drawn for our medical report to be finished. It was a fasting test, so I couldn't do mine during the week since I have to be at work at 6:45 a.m. and the labs don't open until 6:30. Apparently a lot of other people can't do theirs during the week either, because the lab was packed and we waited almost an hour. There's no picture of me because I went first and Joe was already in the chair by the time I was done. What a fun way to start your Saturday!:) It was really no big deal. I have to have blood tests done all the time for my thyroid, so I'm used to it. One more thing checked off the adoption list. Yay!

Corners of My Home

This is a new theme I will be posting about each week. I totally stole it from Stephanie over at Forks and Chopsticks, but she got it from another blog and she said it was O.K.for me to copy her. I was thinking about joining the whole "Self Portrait Tuesday" craze, but it didn't speak to me. Maybe that means I'm not comfortable in my own skin, which is probably true, but I decided not to participate at this time. I really like the Corners of My Home Theme. Even though we live in a very small apartment, we spend MOST of our time there, and many good times have taken place in it. I'm not sure how many weeks this will last, as it is a small space, and there are only so many corners I can photograph, but it will be fun for the time being. This is a picture of "my couch" We have only a couch and a loveseat in our living room. My husband, being the bigger of us two claimed the larger couch as his own, leaving me with the small loveseat. I have primped it up with Shabby Chic covers and pillows. It sits right next to the French Country style end table my sister bought me for my birthday one year(which I love), and on that is a lamp with my Shabby Chic lampshade. I got a deal on it at their wherehouse sale several years ago. The original price on it was $280.00(which is ridiculous), but I think I got it for $40. The couch is topped off with my luxurious faux mink blanket that I got at Walmart for twelve bucks on clearance. It is so cozy! I spend a lot of time on this couch. It is where I watch T.V. every night. It is where I curl up with a book on a rainy Sunday afternoon. It is even where I scrapbook! The coffee table is right in front of it, and I usually sit on the floor and lean up against the couch and scrap right there on the coffee table. Many good times are spent in this little corner, and it is definitly one of my favorite places in my home.