Thursday, March 15, 2007

Thank you for the kind comments. You guys rock. I'm going to keep chanting the mantra "change is good", "change is good", "change is good". Today was marginally better than yesterday. Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm not letting anything ruin that day, and then it will be the weekend. Yay. I am feeling slightly calmer about the situation(mixed in with moments of pure panic). I typed up my resume yesterday, and have already put it out there, both online and with a friend who works in the dental field. I think the hardest part about this whole thing was coming to the realization that I don't want to work with kids anymore. There. I said it. I don't want to work with kids anymore. That statement causes me to feel a lot of guilt. I love working with kids, right? I'm good at it. I have a degree in early childhood education. I have been doing it for twenty years, since I was sixteen years old. In fact, it is the only work I have ever done. But I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired. And burnt out. I'm worried that with my health issues I won't have anything left over for Sophie after spending all day with other people's children. Other people's children who are pretty ill behaved most of the time. I don't want to do it anymore. And that alone makes me feel sad. I though this was my calling. I really did. And now I don't know what to think. I have seriously considered going back to school. Except that we can't afford it and I just don't think I could do it while working full time. Maybe I could get a student loan. I don't know. So many things are uncertain right now. It makes me uneasy. And anxious. And scared. I can't wait until Saturday when I can lay in bed with the the covers over my head. Because that's all I want to do right now.

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