Monday, August 27, 2007
I am back from my break. I think. I'm going to take it slow. Probably post every other day or so. I did a lot of thinking about what I want this blog to be about. It isn't going to be the dumping spot that it once was. I'm going to try to focus on the positive things in my life. But it isn't going to be all fairies and rainbows either, because that just isn't' the kind of person I am. I wish I were. But I'm not. I can't change who I am. But I certainly can try to look on the bright side a little more often. This has been quite possibly the hardest four months of my life. I thought nothing would ever come close to the twelve months after I lost my Mom, but this did, in terms of stress levels and depression go. It was such a hard decision for me to leave my last job. It was something I had wanted to do for a few years, but didn't have the courage. I felt "stuck" there. Finally deciding to leave was scary. At that same time all that was going on, I had life changing surgery. Surgery that I had been putting off for years. I had to let go of any hope of ever having a biological child. It was so final. Soon after the recovery from that was complete, we lost our baby. Our dog Tess, who we had for fourteen years. I still miss her every day. In the midst of my grief, I was trying to find a job. In a completely different field than the one I had worked in for so long. It was hard. And scary. And humbling. After eleven weeks and eight job interviews it became clear that this might not be the path God wanted for me. No job offers came from that eleven weeks of hard work, sweat and tears. I was devastated. Not to mention the fact that we were financially on the brink of homelessness. We couldn't pay our bills or rent. If not for my family, I don't know where we would be now. I will be forever grateful to them for that. Finally, there was The Move. Of my gosh, The Move. That alone was a nightmare of gigantic proportions. You only know a very small part of the problems that move encountered. I probably won't ever divulge them here, because I don't ever want to relive them. I think that may have been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I fell so deep into a depression that I couldn't see the way out. All I saw was darkness. A big black, gaping hole. And the light at the top was covered. I couldn't get out of bed. I cried all the time. Every minute that I wasn't at work, I slept. I started wondering what I was doing here. Maybe it would be better if I just disappeared. Poof! Then I wouldn't have to worry anymore, or feel this pain. It was at this point that I knew I had to confide in someone how bad it had gotten. I talked to my husband and my therapist extensively. We formulated a plan. And slowly I started to come out of it. I'm still not there. Not completely. Not yet. But I will be. Slowly but surely, I'll get there. Because I have to get myself healthy for when Sophie comes. She deserves that. I deserve it. Things are starting to look up. I got a job(more on that later). We joined a gym. We only have to make it for four more weeks until my husband is back to getting his full pay. Then we can start climbing out of this financial hole we have dug ourselves into. My favorite season is coming. I love Fall. And Christmas. We now live in a brand new, shiny apartment(with granite countertops!). We have been waiting ten months now for Sophie. And although I know the wait only continues to grow, we are getting closer each month. I can feel the distance between us grow shorter each passing day. We will wait for as long as it takes. Yes, things are looking up. Way up.