Happy fourth

I know I'm a bit early on this one but I took next week off and I might unplug for a bit.  

I'm kind of addicted to Instagram.  I don't have a lot of followers(nor do I care to). I follow mostly people I know, and who are my friends on Facebook. I love to see the world through other people's eyes. A picture conveys so much more to me than one sentence on Facebook.  I wish more of my friends would join.  I haven't been very good at documenting my life with my "real" camera(even though my sees-ter gave me a very nice dslr for my birthday).  With Instagram I find myself taking more pictures, even if they are just with my phone. I can print the pictures in cute 4x4 squares right from my ipad  to use in my smash books too.  Loving it. 

Here are a few pictures I have taken lately 

I asked joe to bring me Popsicles for my sore throat and he brought me this:  best husband ever.....lol.

It did the trick nicely.    ;)

This has been my best friend.  It tastes horrible but it's the only way I can sleep.  So over the coughing. 

I live four minutes from a Little Ceasers.  Their pizzas are five bucks.  We eat far too many of them, especially when I am not feeling well and don't want to cook.  Pizza pizza. 

It's been awhile since I bought an actual book.  I do a lot of reading on my kindle or ipad.  I started collecting a few to take with me on my trip, as neither the kindle fire or the ipad are conducive to reading outside.  I forgot how good it feels to have a stack of books on my nightstand!

My new cell phone case.  Whooooooo.   Love it. 

My new favorite summer side dish.  Roasted zucchini with olive oil and Parmesan cheese.  Yum. 

Joe bought this at Walmart because "he wanted to smell like a werewolf".  Okey dokey then.  It actually smells kind of good!

I am officially on vacation. Unfortunately I have also come down with a nasty chest cold and have been laid up in bed for the last few days(when I wasn't at work).  Well, I did  actually miss yesterday because I simply couldn't get out of bed.   I can't remember the last time I was this sick. Blah.  I'm on day two of a Z pack though and I hope to be almost well by the time I leave on Monday.  

I'm headed up north to spend the week with my sees-ter. We'll hang around close to home for a couple of days, including playing tourist one day and taking BART into the city. Then we'll head even further north, near Sonoma to the Russian River where I plan to park my butt in a beach chair with my feet in the river and a drink(and a book) in my hand relaxing.  Ahhhhhh......I can hardly wait!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Fourth of July!

Summer so far

So far my summer has been good. 

What  have I been up to?  

Pretty much just dragon boat and horsey stuff.  Having so much fun with the horsey stuff!!

Loving it!

It's such a stress reliever after a long work day. 

 Work is crazy. People are crazy.  And sometimes mean.  It's astonishing actually, how some people act, especially when they can't get their way. They should be ashamed of themselves.   I mean really people!  I worked with kindergartners that acted more maturely than you.  

Geez.  

Rant over. 

So I'm loving the stables.  

And dragon boat practice.  

I'm still conflicted about what to do about my living situation.   I didn't think I would be living here this long. I was hoping for some changes so that joe and I could find a place together but they don't seem to be happening.  I pray for them every day but still nothing happens and I am beyond discouraged about it. 

Meh.  

In a week I am going to have seven days off and I am so excited.  I'll be spending it with my sees-ter up north.    It will be just the two of us and I am so looking forward to it.  

I am in need of a vacation. The last one I had was at Christmas! It's so great to be able to get paid for it too.  We can accrue up to three weeks of vacation time which is pretty great.  So different than my last job.   I'm coming up on two years there in August! 

Five more work days.  I can do this.    :)

My new horsey hat

The stables are so peaceful at the end of the day

This horse reminds me so much of my first horse.  He's so sweet too.  

I've only braved the trails once.  I was waiting until I got a helmet and my friend Kelli got one this weekend.  Safety first.  I'm not fifteen anymore!

He's so gorgeous.  :)

It was a beautiful day today out on the water

Summer lovin'

Or not.  

I'm about to say something that will probably make a lot of people gasp.  Or think I'm crazy.  Or both. 

I'm not a big fan of summertime. 

There.  I said it. 

Maybe it's because we have beautiful weather year round(for those that have actual winter I know you're thinking yep, that has to be it). 

That's probably part of it. 

I think it's  also that for sixteen years I worked at a school, either teaching Pre school or running a day care center.  I liked the predictability of the school year.  The schedule.  The continuity of the school day.  

Every year as the school year came to a close all of my teacher friends would pack up their classrooms and leave for the summer while me and my staff would be preparing to have fifty kids at our center for ten hours a day for twelve weeks. 

Summer was just three long months with too much time to kill.  

I never really outgrew that feeling, despite being out of that line of work for the last six years.  

It also gets pretty hot where I live in the summertime and I'm not a big fan of the heat. In fact, because of my kidney disease I have to stay out of the heat for the most part. That means staying inside for the hottest part of the day, breathing the artificial air that is circulating.  Yuck. Give me an open window and a nice breeze any day.   

Summertime is also a time when more  time is spent near water, and inevitably in less clothing.  Me and less clothing don't mix. I hate the way I look  in a swimsuit. I hate the way I look in most clothes that show more skin than I want to. Shorts, tank tops, bathing suits.  Yuck.  I'm going through an "I hate my body phase" and I want to be as covered up as possible(I'm working on that but it's slow going at this point). 

So I've never been a big fan of summer. 

And then dragon boating came along.  It helped alleviate some of the "I can't wait until this is over" feeling (I really do feel that way.  August is the longest month in the world to me, and I find myself waking up every day during that month wishing it were fall)

Dragon boating gave me something to look forward to in the summer, but it was only one day a week for 11 weeks.  That still left a lot of time to kill.  

But then something happened this year that could be a game changer for me. 

My childhood friend sent me an email letting me know that she was going to be moving her horse to a stable locally but that she would be needing someone to help care for him and would I be interested in helping her with that?

I had to read the email twice to make sure I understood exactly what she was asking.  

Help care for your horse?  Like go to the stables and brush him and turn him loose and ride him?  WHENEVER I WANT?

Are you freaking kidding me??? Heck yeah I am interested!! I haven't owned a horse in 18 years. Prior to that I spent all of my time at the stables growing up. The best times of my life.  I have missed it greatly, especially in the last few years when opportunities to ride have been few and far between.  

And so last Monday her horse moved into a stable 15 minutes from my house(15 minutes! :)

Since that day I have visited the stables four times. I have groomed.  I have run around in the arena after him.  I have mucked out a stall(oh how I love mucking out stalls!).  

I usually find myself there in the late evening, as the sun is setting, leaving long shadows and beautiful diffused reddish orange light.  

Usually everyone  has already gone home for the night so there is not a soul in sight and the horses are quietly munching on the last of their hay.  It is the most peaceful thing in the world.  

It has been glorious. 

I haven't ridden yet but I plan to after he becomes acclimated to his new home.  They have miles and miles of trails to ride on.  

So this summer I'm looking forward to:

Authentic Hawaiian Shave ice (we found a place right near my house)

The county fair

Dragon boat practices and races

And now the stables. 

It's shaping up to be one fabulous summer. 

Maybe this will be the summer that changes my mind about the season.  

But there's still that swimsuit thing.  ;)

Thanks to my friend Kelli for giving me this opportunity. I am so thankful!

On running

I've decided to put the running on hold for now.  

I'm not giving up.  I'm just going to step back a little  and see where I'm at in a couple of months. 

I tried it for four months. I really did try.  I only got to week seven of the nine week couch to fivek program though because I injured myself a couple of times and I repeated several weeks over because I didn't feel I was ready to move on to the next week. 

The truth is I didn't like it.  At all. I found myself dreading the days when I would have to do it. I always felt better afterwards(who doesn't feel good after exercising?  I always do).  

But during it was torture.  Joe and I were talking about it and he asked me why I continued to do it if I disliked it so much. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.  I was hoping it would grow on me. 

But it didn't. No matter how hard I tried it just didn't feel right for me.  

I was so determined to prove to myself that i could run that I forgot how much I used to love to walk.

 I love walking!  I can actually walk at a faster pace than I can run.  Weird, I know.  Today we went walking.  I walked for an hour. My heart rate was still raised.  I was still sweating.  I still felt a little sore afterwards. 

The only thing that was different from the running was that I didn't hate it.    On the contrary, I actually enjoyed it. 

I did a combination of walking/jogging but I did my own intervals. In the hour that we walked I did eight sets of running for a minute to a minute and a half.  Sometimes there was three minutes between a set. Sometimes five  or even seven.  I just listened to my body and did what I could do.  

It was so much easier than trying to keep up with the couch to five k  program. And we have lovely walking trails. They are dirt trails and I find it so much easier to walk on dirt than cement.  They also have hills in them which adds another dimension to the workout too.

I love it.   If I want I can still participate in five k or even ten k's.  I can walk them.  There is no right or wrong way to get into shape.  I need to stop comparing myself to other people and set my own goals. I don't know why that is so hard for me to do.   

I plan to continue with the walking  three to four days a week.   I might supplement with some arm exercises and boxing on  the Wii Fit which I also enjoy.   

Dragon boat practice started up again last weekend so that will be one day of really great exercise too. 

Last weekend we practiced both days and did some training for the full hour each day. Such a great workout!

I loved every minute of it, but Holy sore muscles batman!  Ouch.   I only just started feeling better today, three days later. 

It feels good to push your body though.  I'm looking forward to getting in better shape this summer.  

Maybe I'll return to the running in the fall.  We'll see.  

Free

Here is a post I thought I would never share.

I'm not even sure at this point that I'll hit publish on this one. 

Three years ago this weekend I was in the worst place mentally that I have been in my entire life.

Three years  ago I spent  Mother's Day in the hospital due to a depression so bad it had consumed me.

I have had people ask me how I got to that breaking point, what caused it?

It was a lot of things.

I was juggling a lot of balls in the air.  I was working two jobs because Joe's unemployment had unexpectedly stopped paying(for no apparent reason. After six months they started paying again with just an "oops!  Sorry about that!"). Don't even get me started on how they hold people's lives hostage with their ineptitude.  

I was in an abusive work environment(have you ever been called a lazy piece of shit by your boss?  I have.)

We were in dire straits finacially.

Our adoption was unravelling.

Everything in my life seemed like it was falling apart.

On the outside I was trying to maintain an outward impression of "I'm fine.  Nothing to see here".

But on the inside I felt like I was dying. Every waking minute I wasn't at work I was lying in bed. Sleeping.  Crying. Lots of crying.  But mostly sleeping and wondering where I would find the strength to get out of bed the  next day and do the whole charade again. 

I'm not sure why I am sharing this here, except that I have felt  ashamed of it for years and terrified of what would happen if people found out.  

I realize now it's nothing  to be ashamed of.  

I have an illness and I needed medical attention and I sought it.  

That's it.  End of story.  

If you feel differently about it then keep it to yourself because for the first time in my life

I.    Don't.   Care.  

I'm done being ashamed.  

I don't even know that person now, and I hope to never again. The right meds.   A wonderful support system.  A (fabulous) new job.   Slowly, slowly I started to come out of it.  To see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But when I was in it all I saw was darkness.  All I felt was hopelessness.

I struggle to find words to convey how awful it was.

Do I still struggle with depression?  Yes.  Do I still have bad days(or even weeks?)  Yes. I always will. That's the nature of depression.  

But I have far more good days than bad days these days.  This is the best I have felt in a very long time and I intend to enjoy it.

More than enjoy it.  Revel in it.

I was inspired to write this post after reading this:

Depression Part Two

I could have written that post.  Word for word.  It's like that person was in my head, reading my thoughts while she wrote it.

I'm so thankful for people like that who are brave enough to put that stuff out there so I can feel brave too.

As much as I wish no one else had to feel the crippling pain I have felt, I'm grateful to them.   Because of their bravery I feel less alone.   I feel free from the shame of that secret I have been keeping all of these years.

This is one of the reasons the Internet is awesome. It has the power to make you feel less alone.

And sometimes that's all you need. To feel less alone.


If you are in a black hole of depression right now,  hang on.  It gets better.  It really does. You aren't alone.  

Mother's Day

Mother's Day makes me sad. I know people who are probably so sick of hearing that.  Especially since I say it every year. But it does.  

I know I have friends who feel the same way.  Friends with kids and without kids, for various reasons. Those that have lost their moms, like me, especially.  Most of the single friends I know don't like Mother's Day either.  

When your kids are little Mother's Day is really just a reason for your partner to buy you a gift and say thanks for being the mother of my children.  Here's a present that I bought for you "from the kids". 

That's not happening when you are both the mom and the dad rolled into one. (I am in awe of single moms.  You guys rock.  You really do). 

I know that Mother's Day is just a Hallmark holiday, the same as Valentine's Day. I'm not sure why I let it affect me the way it does. 

I think if my mom was still here I wouldn't dislike the day so much.  I just feel so....left out.  

I learned many years ago not to go to church on Mother's Day.   I learned that one the hard way. There's a good article going around in fb about that very topic.   The last time I went to church on Mother's Day(I think five years ago) I cried through the whole service.  As people came into the church they gave all of the mothers a pink rose. I didn't take one.  Then in the middle of the service they had all the mothers stand and they prayed over them. I was one of very few women(aside from children and teenagers) who didn't stand.  Then they played a slide show of children telling their Mothers what they loved the most about them.   I sobbed through the rest of the service and felt like an idiot.  It pretty much sucked and I haven't gone back to a Mother's Day service since.

There have been many mother's days in the past that I stayed in bed all day.  

Others we have gone to the movies so I could sit in a dark room and didn't have to see everyone else out with their mothers.

This year I was dreading Mother's Day yet again.  

Until I got an e-mail from our dragon boat team asking if we wanted to participate in a special training practice both Saturday and Sunday this weekend.  Ummmmmm.....heck yeah I do!!

So for the first time in a very long time I am looking forward to Mother's Day. I wil spend my day out on the water in the sunshine and salty air with a group of people that I love, and getting a great workout to boot. I couldn't ask for anything more than that!

I might still feel a twinge of sadness on Mother's Day.  But that's ok.

For those of you who struggle with Mother's Day along with me, know that you aren't alone. I wish we could all get together for a cup of coffee(or maybe a nice stiff drink) but since we can't I'll just send a virtual hug out into the universe and hope that you'll  feel it.

If you are celebrating, I am happy for you and I hope you have a great day.

And for the first time in a long time I really mean it.  ;)

Make it work

One of my favorite Tim Gunn sayings. He has a few that I love.

I'm pretty good at making things work. Not actual things, but situations. Undesirable situations.

Like losing my apartment and finding a new place to live(thank god for friends). Then making the hour long drive to work even though it was difficult and I knew I couldn't do it for long.

Moving into a new place which is very small(a master bedroom) and making it work without having a kitchen. A lot of people ask me how I do that.

Below is my kitchen set up. It's not the same as having an actual kitchen but it works. I also have a small fridge and a microwave that I keep in the closet, plus a tabletop oven on a bookshelf that bakes anything from frozen pizzas to cupcakes. See that burner next to the electric skillet? That belonged to my grandparents. That thing is OLD. Like 50 years. It still works fine!

I use the electric skillet the most, with the microwave and the Kuerig a close second. Gotta have my coffee. I try not to use paper plates that much. I have a small tub that I put hot soapy water in. I rinse the dishes in the shower after and I have a drying rack in the hallway between my room and the bathroom. That's actually the thing I find most inconvenient about the set up, the lack of a sink. Well that and no counter space.

Like I said, not ideal but I'm making it work. I find that I can be pretty resourceful when I need to be. I try to stay positive about things by telling myself it's not forever(it's not) and that it's a good life experience. I have a lot of those lately. LOL.

Still, I can't wait to move another place with a kitchen again. These life experiences are really making me not take things for granted.

On a totally unrelated note, I got new running shoes. I desperately needed them. Unfortunately they did not make me run any faster. I was really hoping they would. Still struggling with the running. :/

There they are next to my old running shoes. I told you I needed new ones! Now I need to break them in because right now the toes on my left foot fell asleep while I was running and it was painful. It worries me because my Nikes were comfortable from the moment I put them on but I can't afford another pair of those right now. These are Avias and they got ok reviews but they were on sale and I simply had to have another pair.

Currently

My friend Joannah did this on her blog and since I'm not sure what to write about I thought I'd try it

Currently I am:

Listening to: The Lumineers current album. It's really good. I have also been listening to a lot of Ben Lee. Love him. Also my sister got me listening to Train. Loving them too!

Loving: my new running shoes. To go along with that I'm also loving the running(walking) trails where I live. They are beautiful and there are so many nearby that I could exercise on a different path every day if I wanted to. I'm a creature of habit though and usually keep to the same variation of one of them. It's a combination of asphalt and dirt. I prefer the dirt trails except my new running shoes get dirty. I'm such a girl. It's also shaded which is important for me as I become over heated easily.

Thinking: about my future. I love my job but there are times when I wonder if there is something bigger out there for me. Also doing some thinking on the future of where I want to live and how that will affect the relationship with my husband. He can stay where I am now because the guy I'm renting from doesn't really care one way or the other but in looking for a place to share with someone else(I can't afford an apartment on my own) I have not found any roommate situations or townhouse/condo shares that want to rent to couples. I don't want to live where I am long term. Not having a kitchen is just too hard. I am not cooking much and have been eating crap. Thinking about this keeps me up many nights.

Wanting: dragon boat season to start(very soon!). Also anxiously awaiting something I have been waiting on for about a month now. I'll reveal soon!

Needing: warning, this is tmi. I really need a new supportive bra for running. The one i have isn't cutting it. The one I need is around fifty dollars though and every payday I say I'm going to get one but something else always comes up. I could also really use some cooler clothes for summer. I currently own about three shirts and four pairs of Capri pants. I'm set on workout clothes because last spring my friend Brenda sent me like fifteen pairs of workout pants and shirts. I'm getting so much use out of them. Thank you Brenda! They are a few of the items of clothing that survived the two moves. As for the summer clothes, see above about the budget. There is simply never enough money at the end of the month.

Reading: I was in a slump for a long while and wasn't reading anything. I blame fb and that stupid candy crush game. I really was wasting a lot of time on those things. Since I haven't been spending time there I have read two books! The first is by Jodi Picoult. I used to be a big fan of hers and read almost all of her books but after awhile they started feeling formulaic and too similar in plot. I downloaded The Story Teller and I could not put it down. It is very reminiscent of her earlier books. And it is about the holocaust which is heartbreaking. I am going to look up some other non fiction books about that because I realized I know very little about it and I should. Everyone should.

I just started reading The Burgess Boys by Elizabeth Strout. It has hooked me in and I am really enjoying it so far.

I have already chosen my next book. Is going to be She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. I forgot how much I enjoyed reading!

Unplugged

I deactivated my Facebook account. Facebook takes up a lot of my time. More than I care to admit.

It's just too hard right now. People have referrals. They are celebrating and making travel plans and we........aren't.

I get up and go to work every day. I come "home"(this place will never be my home) and exercise(most days), I go grocery shopping, make dinner. Take a shower, watch a TV show or two, check fb, go to bed and start all over. We like to joke at work that every day is like groundhog's day(love that movie).

Except that at this point in my life I had hoped for so much more. I had hoped to be living in an apartment with my husband. I had hoped to be driving a nice(er) car than the crappy one I have that is falling apart.

But mostly I had hoped to be staring at the picture of a baby who lives in a country far from here. Our baby. Celebrating. Showing off her(or his) picture to family and friends. Making travel plans.

It's hard.

It's harder than I thought it would be.

A lot of times fb leaves me feeling upset.

So and so is going on vacation(again).

Someone got a new car.

A new job.

A baby.

Most people only put the good stuff on fb. They don't write about how crappy their day is, or what a hard time they are having lately, because no one wants to hear that stuff. But sometimes I do. It's ok to not have a perfect life. It's ok that some days suck. Sometimes things suck for weeks at a time and it's nice to know you aren't alone.


I always have a hard time around this time of year. Mother's Day is typically a hard day for me. This year may be even more so if I get stuck in what might have been.

I miss blogging. I miss people writing stories about their lives, beyond a one word sentence.

Last night joe asked me if this(fb) isn't bringing anything good into my life, or is making me upset in any way then why in the world would I want to spend time there?

He is completely right.

And since I'm not the kind of person who can have fb available to me without going there(why is that?), I deleted it. For now. It's not for forever and I certainly will be back but it's the right thing for me right now.

Most people probably won't even notice, which is fine. I probably wouldn't notice if a lot of my "friends" unfriended me or deactivated their accounts. It's the nature of fb I think.

So I'm feeling sad. And maybe a little bit sorry for myself.

I just need some time to snap out of it.

I have some amazing things coming up. Dragon boat season is almost upon us. A friend is offering me a fabulous opportunity to put me back in touch with a part of my life that I have missed terribly. My sister is making plans for us to spend some time together this summer that I am beyond excited about.

I have good things in my life.

Sometimes I think you just need to step back and enjoy them.

And so I will.

Delayed reaction

A friend on fb asked me how i have been feeling since our referral date. I told her I was surprisingly ok, that I felt fine actually.

I have been kind of surprised by my lack of emotion over the whole thing.

I thought maybe I was just feeing numb about it. Or maybe I'm just relieved that it's passed. Perhaps I just have a better attitude about it, an "it is what it is" frame of mind(I usually despise that saying, but it seems to fit in these circumstances)

My therapist told me that I'm not done processing it. She told me I should expect to have some periods of grief that might sneak up on me when I wasn't expecting them.

I was like nope, I'm good, I think I'm going to sail through this without a problem.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Last night during dinner joe put on the Discovery channel. The blue sea, or some such program was on. They were doing a segment on whales.

It was an arial shot of a pod of grey whales, which was stunning. They truly are beautiful creatures.

Anyway, there was a momma grey whale and her baby. They are swimming along minding their own business when a pod of killer whales came swimming up.

I was like cool, killer whales, they're pretty too.

Suddenly the program started playing somewhat ominous music as the narrator explained that the killer whales were trying to get at the baby grey whale.

I turned to joe and said "nothing is going to happen to that baby whale right? Killer whales don't eat baby grey whales, right?" He is usually quite knowledgable about these things.

He replies "no, of course not. I've never heard of that, and besides they wouldn't show something like that on this program. It's family friendly."

The killer whales continued to try and separate the baby whale from it's mother and the ominous music started to get faster(think Jaws).

I was very concerned at this point. I told Joe I didn't like where this was going. I asked him to turn it off.

Suddenly one of the Killer whales comes out of the water and the next thing I know....CHOMP.. He takes a bite out of the baby whale. The water turns red with blood.

I'm pretty much freaking out at this point saying nonononono. Turnitoffturnitoffturnitoff. I'm crying now. Joe is frantically searching for the remote so he can change the channel and I'm crying and shouting that poor baby whale! I don't want to see this, TURN IT OFF!!(over dramatic much?)

Finally he found the remote and changed the channel but by that time I was so upset and crying that I couldn't stop for like fifteen minutes. I realized when I finally calmed down that I wasn't crying over a baby whale(although that is terribly sad).

It triggered something else inside of me. That's the first time I have felt that much emotion in weeks. It didn't feel good. I could do without feeling like that again anytime soon.

I can laugh about it now but last night it was very upsetting.


I don't think I am done processing this grief.

Not by a long shot.




Who knew that killer whales ate baby grey whales? I didn't. I thought all whales were friends(lol). I know, circle of life and all of that but it's still sad. Poor baby whales. :(

No more nature programs for me for awhile!

Run Forrest, run

Joe and I had the following conversation the other day while we were out exercising:

Me: ugh! I always forget to bring tissue when I am running. My nose always runs when I run(haha). It's so annoying!

Joe: you just need to learn to do snot rockets.

Me: um...NO.

Joe: yes, that would solve your problem. Here, let me show you. (Proceeds to shoot snot out of one of his nostrils onto the ground)

Me: (gagging). Gross. Gross gross gross gross gross. Do NOT do that in front of me again.

Joe: whatever. It's better than having to carry tissue with you every time you run

Me: I'm okay with that. Thanks.

So I am still trying this running thing. And I still hate it. I am on week five of the couch to fivek program and it really doesn't seem like it's getting any easier. I'm simply not able to run for any length of time over three minutes or so. Not because my body won't do it(like in the beginning), but because I can't catch my breath.

Twice I became so winded that I had to stop and sit down because I thought I was going to pass out. I don't know if it's because I am so fat or if it has something to do with my respiratory system. I have been having a lot of congestion lately and kind of a wheezing cough afterwards.

I used to have asthma but I haven't had it in years.

I did read that people with kidney disease have decreased lung function and I wonder if it has to do with that. I'm seeing my doctor next week. I'm going to see what he thinks.


That makes it sound like an excuse and I really don't mean it to be. I'm not quitting. I'm just disappointed that I am not progressing with the program like I am "supposed" to.

For now I am running for three minutes and walking for two, even though on the program I should be running for five and walking for three by now. I'm just going to do what I can do right now. I have improved my time quite a bit since starting, and I do feel good about that.

Either way it's getting me outside and it's great cardio so that's a good thing, and we have some lovely walking trails, as you can see below. Spring is in high gear around here and the flowers are beautiful.


Today is my Mom's birthday. It just felt weird writing a post and not acknowledging that somehow. Happy birthday mom. You are still missed, even after all this time.

Dragon boat season

And just like that, dragon boat season is upon us. How does the year fly by so fast? Seriously. In the blink of an eye.

I am ecstatic(as usual).

The kick off picnic was today. Oh how I love our team. This will be my fifth season with them. There is serious talk this year about going year round. And also going to two festivals this year and participating in two races. Our usual races in long beach, as well as one in L.A. It makes my heart sing.

I have missed it so.

It was nice too, to be around people who understand how hard the whole referral date has been for us. Lots of hugs and supportive words. How lucky we are to have this support system.

It's hard for me to put into words what it is about this sport that I love so much.

Camaraderie

Physical exertion

Ties to a culture that we have grown to love

Teamwork

Sunshine

Salt water

Weekly trips to In 'n Out Burger

What's not to love? :)

Only a few more weeks!

I can hardly wait.

Referral day

So it's here.

Referral day. What once was a day that we joyfully anticipated is now a day we have been dreading for the last two years.

But it's here. I wasn't fully prepared for the extent of the emotions I am feeling.

I want to lay down and cry. Curl up in a ball and sleep all day until the pain subsides.

I asked joe how he was feeling. I was expecting my English professor husband to come up with something eloquent and touching to say(as he often does). Instead he turned to me and said "this sucks ass". He made me laugh out loud with that comment, which was exactly what I needed right now.

Maybe now we can move on.

Completely.

Let go of this aching pain in our hearts and really move on.

I hope so.

I truly hope so.

Tonight we went to the beach. We wrote her name in the sand and we watched the water wash it away. I cried my eyes out. We watched the sun set and drove home.



I won't lay down and cry. I will do the exact opposite. I will get out of the house. I will exercise. We will find ways to keep ourselves occupied until the pain and rawness dissipate.

And I will try to remember that this too shall pass.


I'm so sorry Sophie. I hope you and your forever family find each other. I will carry you with me always.

I blogged

I want to blog but I can't. I don't mean figuratively, like I have writer's block, I mean I literally can't because I can't figure out how to do it from my ipad and the keyboard on my laptop died. I love my ipad but the blogger app sucks.

I had a post all written with a ton of pictures but first it posted before I was ready, and then it deleted itself altogether. I'm wondering if this is a sign that I should stop blogging. I wasn't sure what I was going to do after our referral date passed(next week) so I guess now is as good a time as any to stop.


Problem is, I like blogging and I know I will miss it if I stop. Seems no one really blogs anymore though so it seems a good time to quit. See how conflicted I am about it? Sigh.


I did my first five k last month and it was the most fun I have had in a long time. So much fun that I did another one last weekend. I am not fast and it's not pretty when I run, but I run. Both of them I ran half and walked fast for half. I am still plugging along with the couch to five k app on my phone and I still don't enjoy it. But I am doing it. I am committed to finishing the whole nine weeks. I'm only on week three because of injury and sickness. I also did the last week two times because I didn't feel ready to move on.

The first run was the color run and all I can say is this:  if you have the opportunity to participate in this in your city, DO IT. It is a blast. Seriously. So fun. I did mine in San Francisco with my sees-ter, which made it even more fun. While I was up north I got to get together with Mary Mia, Kayce and Stacey too. I love those girls! We always have the best time together. We also went to Lisa's school fundraiser which had a 1920's theme so we got to get all dressed up in our flapper dresses. It was such a great weekend!

Last weekend it was the hot chocolate run that I did with my cousin Linda. What a great weekend we had with her and her family. It was in San Diego. I love it there! What an awesome city. Joe was stationed there in the navy(long, long ago) so he knows the city pretty well. We spent all day Sunday in Balboa Park. There is so much to do there, a lot of it free! We will be going back soon for sure. It's a little over an hour away which isn't bad except for the cost of gas.

I can't figure out how to put text in between my pictures so here is just a jumble of pictures from the last two months. Hopefully you can figure out what is what.

Slacker

I really want to keep up this blog.  I really do.

But then I just....don't.  I have multiple excuses reasons this time.  The keyboard on my computer broke(seriously, it's always SOMETHING isn't it??).  I am using an external keyboard for now, which is a huge pain.  I need to take it to the Apple Store to see how much it will cost to fix but I don't have the money to fix it right now so I'm not going to bother going.  Sigh.

Usually this time of year I do my "heart in nature" posts but I totally forgot.  I can't even link to some I have done in the past because when I go to them the pictures just have a blank screen with an exclamation point in them.  Apparently both my computer and my blog hate me.  Ugh.

I'm such a slacker. We'll see how I decide to proceed with the blog in the next couple of months. We would be getting our referral in the next few months and I'm not sure i will feel like continuing here after that. I don't know yet. I feel quite numb about it right now. We will see.

Lots  of changes have happened since my last post, the biggest being that I moved.  I moved closer to my job.  Commuting almost two hours a day was simply too exhausting for me.  Not to mention the gas.  I am saving over two hundred dollars a month in gas money!  That has allowed me to pay a little more towards rent.  I was able to rent a master bedroom in someone's house, with a private entrance and my own bathroom.

Like I said, it's small, but it's mine.  I am renting from a very nice family and they pretty much give me my privacy, which I like.  It has bright sunny yellow walls and I am putting up all my pictures and knick knacks and it is feeling very homey.  It's not perfect.  Of course I would like to live in my own apartment. In our own apartment.

But it's not forever and for now it is the next best thing.

On Valentine's Day Joe and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage.  I'm not sure how that can be, but when I crunch the numbers that appears to be the case   :)

We will spend it together but we don't have any plans for the actual day.  We don't typically celebrate our anniversary on the actual day due to the craziness of Valentine's day.

A couple of months ago I did get a great deal on Groupon  for a sunset cruise around Newport Harbor so I am going to surprise Joe with that.

The fact that we still even *want* to spend our anniversary together says a lot. Because I really do.

Want to spend my anniversary with my husband.

Twenty years. We made it twenty years. Barely, but we did. That's something right?

42.

yeah, so a couple of weekends ago it was my birthday. 

 42.  

So far it doesn't feel much different than 41.  Hopefully that continues as the year goes on..lol.  

I ended up with strep throat.  On my birthday.  Not so much fun.  Joe made me get up and leave the house anyway because he knew I would be sad if I sat home all day on my birthday.

Since  I currently live 1.3 miles from this:, that's where we ended up.

It was a beautiful day.  

Later my roommate made me the most wonderful birthday cake.  

My favorite---strawberry!  She found it on one of my pinterest boards and it was TO.  DIE.  FOR.

OMG I can't even tell you how good this cake was. It had homemade strawberry cream cheese frosting.  I think I ate half of it over the span of one weekend and that's saying a lot because it was HUGE.  I still think about that cake, two weeks later.  Seriously, Yum.

Thank you, C for making me a cake for my birthday. So thoughtful!  

We didn't put 40 candles on the cake, unlike last year when Joe insisted and the smoke alarm went off. No joke.

That's my roommate's son. How gorgeous is he??  

It was a lovely birthday, despite being sick.

In our(his) free time, Joe and I have been making Tet and Chinese New Year banners to sell on etsy. Yes, you heard that right.  JOE and I have been making banners.  He has been cutting the pieces and assembling them for me so that all I have to do is string them and tie the ribbons.  I have sold quite a few, on my site and privately.  I have one left that is finished and ready to ship out if anyone is interested.  They really are beautiful.

If someone wants this one, I'll pay for the shipping on it. Just drop me an email at chinaadopter(at)gmail(.com).

The snakes can be removed for subsequent years. I will even send you next year's animal for free!

 I am back on the WW wagon, and it feels good.  I eat so much healthier on it.  

I have also decided to kick up my exercise a notch and my roommate and I have been doing the couch to 5K program.  

Don't laugh!  I didn't say I was *good* at it.  I just said I was trying it. I'm only on my third day and I'm not gonna lie, it's hard. 

 I'm committed to doing it though, because Lisa signed us up for the color run in SF in March.  It's such a fun run that I am excited for it. I don't think I will be in good enough shape to actually run the whole way(even though it is only a 5K) but I will be in better shape by then than I am now.

What's that saying?  No matter how slow you are going you are still lapping everyone on the couch?  Yeah.  That.

How fun does this look?

I'm going to start talking only in questions. Because that's not annoying at all. (How annoying is that?)

It's going to be a blast.

I don't think I will ever be a runner. But maybe I could become a slow jogger.  We'll see.  Like I said, only third day in.

That's about it.  Lots of other changes going on right now, but that's for another post.