Well, it seems that the majority of the advice I have received is to just relax and enjoy my time off. So today, that's what I did. We spent the entire morning at the Beach, and the rest of the afternoon at the movies. Now that's what I call relaxing! We saw "Pirates". It was pretty good. A little long for me though. Tomorrow I have an appointment in the morning, and have to drop off a birthday present in the afternoon for a friend at work. My former workplace. That sounds wierd. Anway, I should be pretty busy. That ought to keep me from moping around too much. I think I will take Alyson's advice and make a list of things I want to get done while I am home. That way if I get even one thing done on the list I'll feel as though I have accomplished something. As for Tess, she is doing so much better. And yet not her old self yet. She is able to get up and around on her own, but she still has a slight head tilt and falls down a lot. She even managed the doggie door all by herself yesterday. She is determined, I'll give her that. We still don't know if she will recover fully or not. That remains to be seen. But she is so much better than when this whole thing started a week ago, we are very hopeful. She seems quite happy, and was even trying to jump around a bit while outside, but if the Vet told us that this was as good as she was going to get, we would have to really consider her quality of life. My main concern is that she be able to get up and around on her own and that she be able to get in and out of the doggie door. Oops, there goes the timer telling me diner is ready, so I better go.

I wish I had something funny, or intelligent, or enlightening to say, but I really don't. One day just seems to blend into the other lately. I am the type of person that does better with structure. Getting up and going to work every day gives me a purpose, and I find when I am busier, I actually get more done. Needless to say, being home for the last three weeks has not been structured. For the first time in my life I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning, and I don't have to worry about getting to bed early so I will be able to get up at 5:15 a.m. This last week I have been having a hard time scheduling my day. I find myself wandering around my apartment aimlessly, in my pajamas, wondering what I should do now. My house is clean. I took care of that this weekend. I have plenty of projects I need to finish. I just can't seem to get motivated. I'm not complaining. I have never felt this rested in my life. I have been reading like crazy. I finished two books already. I have more free time than I ever had in my life. Yet I feel isolated. I will go two or three days without leaving the house, Joe being the only person I come into contact with. I don't want to go back to the job I left, but I do miss the human contact. I think it will be important for me to find another job sooner rather than later. I think it is just a case of "cabin fever". Sometimes I get an overwhelming desire to leave the hous, even if only to go to the grocery store. Yesterday I went outside to get the mail and just the act of being outside made me realize how important it is for me to get out of the house. So that will be my goal this week. Get some projects done, and get out of the house more. Oh, did I mention I'll be leaving to visit my sister for a week next Tuesday? Then I'll wish I was back here in my empty, quiet house for sure! This post was a bit rambling and didn't really have a point. I think I better go get the mail or something.

Not much going on today. Joe had to work, and I have to stay here and watch Tess. She is doing only slightly better. She still cannot walk unassisted and since I can't carry her, when she wants something she rolls off of the couch and stumbles blindly toward her destination(the patio, the water dish). She still refuses to eat anything. She hasn't eaten since Thursday. I am so worried about her. I wish she would just get better. I don't like her being sick. Not one bit. The concert last night was very good. SKRUK rocks! Well, not exactly, but they were really very good and I enjoyed them and even came home with one of thier C.D.'s That's all I got. Hanging at home by myself on a holiday weekend. Relaxation is good. I'm starving and must go see if there is anything to eat in our empty fridge. Note to self: Must go shopping for food.

Tessie Update

Tessie is doing a little better. She is improving slowly. Certainly not fast enough for me! She is drinking water , but still refuses anything to eat. She is trying to walk on her own, but is unsuccessful. If she wasn't so sick, it would be comical. She walks like a severely drunk person, with her legs splayed in every direction and leaning heavily to one side. When Joe took her outside she even stood unassisted for a few minutes. She is trying. And that alone is a huge improvement. I am so hoping the next couple of days brings her closer to being herself. She can't be left alone right now, and that in itself is a challenge. I am not working, so that's not a problem, but I am going stir crazy in this house all day, day after day. Last night Joe insisted that it would be okay if we went out for a quick dinner, just so I could get out of the house and we could celebrate our seven month "LIDaversary". We were gone only a little over an hour and she had gotten off of the couch and crawled over to the sliding glass door where she was laying in a puddle of her own urine. I felt terrible. We have no plans today. Probably just hang around the house. I don't want to leave her alone again until I am sure she can get up and around. Tonight my Dad and I are going to see the Norwegian choir SKRUK(Pronounced Skrook) at my church. Joe had expressed some interest in going, but with Tessie sick, it will be just me and my Dad. (And, hopefully my Aunt and Uncle. We'll see you there!) Tomorrow Joe has to work, and I'm planning on starting on some of those cleaning projects I have been meaning to get to forever. I did some major cleaning yesterday. I even cleaned some of the carpets(with a small, portable SteamVac. It is hard on your back! I must think about getting an upright carpet cleaner. We used to have one and it worked great. Alas, I used it too much ane it broke. Sigh). Oh well. Thank goodness for this small one because some of our carpets are in dire need of cleaning. Off to enjoy my Sunday!

Good Thoughts Needed and 7 months

I need all of your prayers, good thoughts, and energy. Our dog Tessie is sick. She has been for a couple of days, but I have not written about it because I just couldn't find the words. On Thursday she started vomiting. She always goes outside to do this. She knows I don't like vomit in the house. She is a very smart doggie! I went outside to see what she may have eaten to make her sick, and when she was coming in, she got stuck in the doggie door. I had to help her get in. This is extememly unusual. Although she is fifteen years old and has had a few problems with her back end in the past, she has no problem with the doggie door. She came inside and sat on the couch. She looked a little strange to me. I don't know what it was, but she was tilting her head to the side and looked kind of spaced out. I went about my business, and I see her getting up and walking rather unsteadily towards our bedroom. Sometimes she likes to lie in there on the bed so our little dog doesn't bother her(She's a pest). She gets about half way there, and throws up on the carpet, no warning signs. Then she started walking in circles with her head tilted to the side and wouldn't stop. Finally she just fell to the floor, twitching. I freaked out. I ran over to her, and picked her up and put her on the couch. This is no small dog. I don't know how I did it. I was hysterical. Joe was running an errand, so I call him on his cell and tell him to come home now. Tess seems better now, but is lying on the couch with her head tilted to the side and her eyes are making these rapid movements. I am still FREAKING out. Crying, holding her head in my lap, calling Joe over and over to see where he is. Finally he comes home. She kept wanting to get up, so he carried her outside so she could go to the bathroom. She could not stand alone, and kept tilting to one side. He brought her back inside and "googled" her symptoms. It looks like she may have Canine Vestibular Disease. The good news is that it looks like she will probably recover. How long it will take remains to be seen. We are planning on taking her to the Vet, just to make sure. I was so hoping I would get up today and she would be better. She is better, but still cannot walk on her own and refuses to eat. I did manage to get her to drink a little. This is all just so upsetting to me. I know she's fifteen and won't be here forever, but I'm just not ready to let her go. I know I'll never be ready.


This last picture is of my hisband taking Tess outside. That is the sidewalk he is sitting on, and people had to walk around him to get by. He didn't care. All he cared about was that Tess was comfortable. I love that man.

Oh yeah, and today is our 7 month Log In anniversary. I don't feel much like celebrating.

This is my Life

It's that time of year again. No, not Spring. (Well, technically it is spring, but that isn't what I mean.) It's the end of the semester for community Colleges across California. What does that mean for me? It means my house looks like this. Everywhere I look are stacks and stacks of papers and portfolios to be graded. And they are spread all over my living room floor. And I can't move them, because they are "organized"(yeah, right) by school and class. You see, my husband is an adjunct English professor at three different community colleges. He teaches a total of six classes. There are on average about twenty students per class. You do the math. (In case you don't want to do the math, that's 120 students). Each student had to turn in a final paper, as well as their portfolio, which consisted of their best work. I don't even know how many papers that is. I don't think I want to. Anyway, tonight my husband went off to his part time job, with strict orders not to move any of his "stacks" until he gets them graded and recorded. They are driving me crazy. Did I mention I live in a 900 square foot apartment? No matter where I look I see papers. I think I may just go to bed now.

Sophie's 100 Good Wishes Scrapbook

I finished one half of Sophie's wish scrapbook. I wasn't intending to split it into two books, but fifty pages barley fits into one 12X12 scrapbook, so I had no choice. When I first decided to make a Hundred Good Wishes Quilt, I knew the scrapbook was going to be the easiest part for me, as I did not sew at the time and my intention was to have someone else put the quilt together. I was, however, a scrapbooker, so I was looking forward to this part. I had it in my head that I was going to keep the design very simple, so the beauty of each fabric could be the highlight of each page. I think I did manage to do that, but simple it is not. I started off by photocopying each and every piece of fabric. I know there is a small piece of fabric on each wish, but I wanted to really be able to see the wonderful fabrics that were sent. Then I cut two rectangles of Asian themed scrapbook paper that I bought in a stack of like twenty five sheets. I placed the fabric on the page diagonally, like a diamond shape and glued the rectangles in the corners as an accent. I was going to stop there, but I decided the white background was too stark, so I hand stamped some mini Chinese character stamps that I had found at Barnes and Noble. I tried to coordinate the colors of the rectangles and the ink color with the fabric. On the title page I cut out photocopied squares of the fabrics into squares and hearts, and pieced together a quilt of some of the fabrics that are in the book. I "stitched" around the squares and hearts with a black scrapbook marker. I think it turned out nicely. Only fifty more pages to go!

Why I am a total Dork

Because I am sad that Dancing with the Stars is over. Like, seriously sad. I think I may have even shed a tear when they were doing their recaps of the season, and again when Laila and Max were voted off. Dork. I don't know what it is about this show that I love so much. I mean, I love the dancing. I can. not. dance. At all. Part of it is watching these people with virtually no dance experience learn such elaborate dances. Maybe it makes me think that if they can do it, so could I(yeah, right). Also, it is just such a wholesome show. I could see sitting at home with my child and watching it together. How many shows can you say that about? Not many. Anyway, I am sad. Don't worry, I'll get over it.

New Haircut

I really have nothing to say. I shouldn't even be posting. That's how boring my life is right now. I didn't leave the house today. I should have, because now I feel like I have wasted my day. Joe says it is important for me to remember I am recovering from surgery. It's O.K. if I don't do anything. Yeah, whatever. Why does he always have to be right? :) Yesterday, however, I did leave the house. Joe and I got haircuts and then went to the movies. He has a couple of days off this week until his part time job turns full time next week. I wish we could go somewhere. Anywhere. I am tired of recovering. I was going to post a picture of my new haircut, but I couldn't get a good one yesterday and today you do not want to see my hair. Bedhead. Maybe I'll post a pic anyway. It's not like I am ever happy with any picture of myself anyway. The hair stylist did the opposite of everything that I asked(Part it on the side, long layers, not choppy, short bangs, brushed off to the side.) What I ended up with is a choppy, short layered cut parted down the middle with full on, in your face bangs. I was all ready to be pissed, but when I saw it, I really liked it! Okay, I'll post a picture of it. This is after I brushed my bangs off to the side. I can't stand bangs on my forehead, especially when they touch your eyelashes. It annoys me to no end(This applies only to me. I think it looks cute on other people. It is the sensation of the hair on my forehead that bothers me). The lighting is terrible. Sorry. I always think that if I push the lampshade up it will allow more light in for the photo, but usually all it does is make the photo very reminiscent of an interrogation scene in the movies("Where were you on the night of the twenty first? Were you alone?") Those design shows I am always watching on HGTV would have a ball with the lighting issues at my house. They have these things called lamps. I should buy few. Well, look at that. I guess I did have something to say after all. Have a great night everybody!

What day is it again?

The days just seem to blend, one right into the other when I don't have to get up and go to work. I woke up today fully expecting it to be Sunday. Ummm, no, that woud be yesterday. Today is Monday. All day. I have been having a much easier time of it the last two days. I am much less emotional, and have had far fewer night sweats episodes. I only get those at night. I have not had any traditional hot flashes during the day as of yet. Wierd. This is all very familiar to me, as six years ago a took a drug to treat the endometriosis that put my body into full menopause. It was so horrible for me that I cut the six month course down to four and stopped taking it. I was not taking any hormone therapy then though. I think as soon as we figure out what the right dosage of estrogen is, I will be feeling better. I was having some pretty serious doubts about the safety of taking such a drug for such a long period of time, especially after looking at some of the possible side effects. People that take estrogen for longer than five years have a 40 percent higher chance of stroke than those that don't. Forty percent! That really scares me. I just have to trust my doctor, and like Joe says, who knows what will happen in five years? Maybe there will be a better treatment with less health risks. We are already planning on getting a second opinion and checking out our options. Maybe I'll decide I don't need it at all, and tough it out. He's right. Who knows. I have to work on staying in the present, and worrying only about things I can do something about. I have been struggling so much with some of the decisions I have made lately. I am always second guessing myself. I wish that wasn't the case. I wonder a lot if I did the right thing having the surgery, or if I rushed into it. All I know is that I was in terrible pain for the three months I was on the Depo Provera, and I just wanted it to stop. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Nobody should have to live like that. I worry too, about my job. Am I doing the right thing? Fourteen years is a long time to stay at the same job to just up and leave. But I was miserable there. And ready for a change. I swear I should stop paying my therapist and just talk to my husband because I laid this all out for him last night and he told me I have to stop obsessing over decisions that have already been made. I can't change them now, and I have to have confidence in my decisions and stop second guessing them. I am spending so much time worrying about these things that I am not putting any energy into simply recovering and letting my body heal. He also told me if I continue the way I am, the entire time I have off is going to go by and I am not going to enjoy one second of it. He's right. I have never in my life had this much time off from a job, and I am wasting it worrying. Is he smart, or what? I will work on that. Does anyone have any suggestions for insomnia? Ever since I started on the hormones I have not been sleeping. Well, at night anyway. I literally either stare at the clock all night, or simply get up and go watch t.v. or read. I have been napping during the day because I am so exhausted. I know this only exacerbates the problem, but since I don't have to be anywhere during the day, I am allowing myself to do it, simpy because I am exhausted. I never was a very good sleeper, and I would go through stages, but this has been every single night for the last four nights and it is driving me crazy. I would prefer to try something natural or herbal, as I am taking so many drugs right now I hate to add another one. Well, here it is eight o' clock in the morning and I am up. Funny, because I was thinking that's early(for someone who didn't sleep), when for fourteen years I got up at five-thirty every morning for work. Funny how your perspective changes. I have much planned today. I have been messing around on my new computer with the embroidery function, yesterday I embroidered Sophie's name on a blanket. It is so cool! I'll post pictures later. Right now I'm off to have some much needed coffee.

A Much Better Day

Today was a much better day than the previous few days, even though I was up literally all night long with hot flashes and night sweats. Those are simply horrible. My Dad came to visit me today and we went out! Of the house! We went to lunch, and to Jo-Anne's Crafts(one of my very favorite places in the world). Now I can try out the embroidery function on my new sewing machine. I am so excited. Anyway, being out of the house is so much better than being stuck in it, brooding. I haven't cried once today. Yay me. I had to put on another low dose Estrogen patch until I can get the new prescription filled. 50 mg simply was not enough hormones for someone of my body weight. I am hoping it will help. Only time will tell. I may have overdid it a little today because man am I sore. I don't care though because I am in a much better place than the emotional abyss I have been in for the last three days. Yuck. That's no fun. Hopefully I can get some much needed sleep tonight. I am even going to attempt making dinner tonight. Joe will be happy about that. Even though he has been a wonderful caregiver, and hasn't complained even once about having to make all of the meals and pick up the house, I know he will be happy when I am back to my normal self. If there is such a thing :)
I'm off to make dinner and enjoy the rest of my Saturday(laying on the couch with a heating pad on my stomach). I hope your Saturday night is a little more exciting than that!

Thank you to those of you who have been through this and left comments. It helps me so much. Today is slightly better. I still am feeling very emotional. I had to turn off Gray's Anatamy last night and go to bed because I could not stop crying. Is it my imagination, or does every single storyline on that show include a pregnant person? My favorite is the one about the chief's wife being pregnant. His fifty-two year old wife. Whatever. I have been crying a lot today. I woke up crying. Joe isn't sure what's going on, or quite what to do about it. I had been perfectly fine up until yesterday. I am taking Estrogen in the form of the patch, and it is possible we haven't found the right dose yet. I only just started taking it. I have been worrying quite a lot about our financial situation these last few days. I think in the first couple of days home from the hospital I was so drugged up I wasn't thinking or worrying about anything. As that cloudiness dissapates, I find myself obsessing over the fact that I'm not sure we can pay our rent next month, and I don't have a job. I'll get one more full paycheck before the disability kicks in. Joe's classes are ending next week and his summer class doesn't start until the middle of June. I know it is doing no good for me to worry about these things but when you are sitting at home, in pain, with nothing but the television for distraction, there is not a lot I can do to control it. Joe has to work tonight, so I'll be flying solo for the first time since the surgery. He is a little worried about my emotional status, but I just smile and tell him I am just fine. I can tell he doesn't believe it. But he has to go to work. One of us ought to.

One step Foward, Two steps Back

I love that song. It describes my life perfectly sometimes. It definitely describes my recovery today. Today was not a good day. I couldn't get to sleep last night. This was odd, because I have been sleeping like a baby since coming home from the hospital on Saturday. I finally fell asleep around 12:30, only to wake up again at five a.m. I simply couldn't go back to sleep, so I let Joe have the bed(He has been sleeping on the couch with the dogs. I simply couldn't have all that movement in the bed when I was in so much pain. I'm mean, I know). I laid on the couch and watched Home Shopping Network for an hour and a half. Theyr'e going to help me organize my house and my life. As soon as I get paid. You should see some of the organizational products they have out right now. I need them. But I digress. Finally I am feeling sleepy again, so it's back to the bedrooom(Don't worry, I didn't kick Joe back to the couch. I'm not that mean). I fall into a blissful sleep until ten thirty this morning. So much for trying to stick to a schedule. Oh well, at least I am rested. I took a shower, read a little, and watched some of the shows I am quickly becoming addicted to. How do you stay at home people do it? I would have to initiate a "no t.v." rule between certain times, or I would get nothing done. Although I do realize most of you have little ones to chase around, and I'm sure that cuts down on the t.v. watching. Anyway, it is time to get ready for my post-op doctor's appointment, so I go and get dressed and put a little makeup on and attempt to bruch my hair. Scraggly ponytail it is. Off we go to the doctor. I was starting to have a little pain at this point, but I plastered a smile on my face and tell Joe I'm "Just fine". We arrive at the medical building and Joe lets me off so he can go park the car. I go up to the fourth floor and sign in, and sit down and wait for Joe to join me. The place is packed. Standing room only. I got one of the last seats. It is packed to the gills. With pregnant people. Hugely pregnant people Rubbing their bellys, and joking about how they can't tie their shoes, leaving the office beaming at the ultrasound photos they just received, and doing all of those other cute things pregnant people do. Except today I am not finding them cute. I had a moment of complete and utter panic in that office, right before Joe joined me from the parking lot, thinking Oh my Gosh. What did I do? I took away the only chance we ever had at having a biological child. Even worse, I took that chance away from the man that I love. How could I do this? what was I thinking? I am thirty-six years old! Instantly tears came to my eyes and I had to get out of there. Joe found me outside the elevator sobbing. What a dork. He quickly talked me down off of the ledge I had put myself on, and we went back into the office. They called my name shortly after, and I put on a fake smile for the nurse and told her I was "just fine, thank you very much". Same routine for the doctor. Smiles, and "Yes, I am healing nicely, and no of course I have no more pain and I'm sure I'll be running a marathon by the end of the week." Liar. I am such a good liar. As we sat in the hallway and waited for our chart to be delivered to the front desk, the sound I dread begins coming from the next room over. The ultrasound machine, picking up the sound of a baby's heartbeat. Why is that thing so loud? Finally our chart is ready and we go make our next appointment and leave. At this point I am starting to really be in some pain. It gets so bad on the elevator ride down that I think I may actually be sick. We rush to find the restroom, and I hurry in and barely make it to the toilet to throw up. I have been having some nausea, but nothing like this. By this time I am crying again as Joe waits outside the bathroom knocking on the door and asking if I am okay. Of course honey, I'm fine. Why do you ask? I cried all the way home, then took a long hot shower and snapped out of whatever it was that made me react that way. Hormones? Do I even have those anymore? I guess it's normal to have second thoughts. While sitting in a room full of pregnant women. I will get over this. Right? Of course I will. I'll be fine. And I am not lying. I will be fine, just like I always am.

Still Recovering

Day five post surgery and everything is going well. I am still having pain on the left side where they removed the organs so there is a little larger hole there. I have four "holes", or very small incisions total. For the most part only that one on the left is bothering me. The others are only mildly uncomfortable at this point, with a little itching from the stitches. I have my Post-Op appoinment tomorrow, so we'll be getting some more information about how the overall surgery went. Things are pretty boring here. Lots of napping, and T.V. watching going on. For those of you that are Moms, that probably sounds like a vacation, but trust me I was in some serious pain for about five days there. Not sure what I'll do for the next five weeks. Maybe I can get my house/life organized. One can hope.

Recovering

I am slowly recovering. Recovering stinks. I'm in a lot of pain. The meds the Dr. gave me are good, though they make me sleepy. I have been getting plenty of rest, so that's a good thing. I'm bored already and think I am driving Joe crazy. After two days. Oops. I want to clean the house so badly. It really is a mess right now. I have been really good at getting up and walking two or three times a day but I am certainly not ready to be bending over and picking stuff up or vacuuming by any means. So I will restrain myself. For now. Not sure what I'm going to do for the next five weeks when I am supposed to be "taking it easy". I don't do that well at all. My eyes are getting hevy and the words are blurring, so I best be going for now.

I'm back

I'm home already. I actually came home yesterday, a full two nights earlier than planned. This was due mostly to the fact that they had to leave my cervix in, and I wasn't doing well in the hospital and the doctor said if I wanted to come home, I could. So come home I did. I don't regret it. I have some good pain meds and Joe is taking wonderful care of me. I don't want to protray the hospital in a negative light, and in their defense they were very busy, but at one point I had pushed my nurse call button eight times over the course of forty minutes and had received no response. Finally I got up, unhooked my I.V. from the wall and went to look for a nurse myself. This is twelve hours post surgery. My nurse showed up twenty minutes later, and I received my pain medication forty five minutes past the scheduled time. My pain level was at an eight. That's all I am going to say about it, and have been much happier at home. Some hospital stays are more pleasant than others. This one was one of the lesser. They had to leave my cervix in for reasons best not divulged on my blog(because it is gross), but supposedly it will make my recovery quicker and won't affect me much in any other way(besides having to still have yearly PAP smears) so it doesn't matter to me either way. There were a lot of adhesions and scar tissue from the endometriosis and previous surgeries to remove, so once again a two hour surgery turned into four and a half. But they were able to take out the ovaries, and uterus and fallopian tubes and completely clean out the mess inside, so I think the surgery was deemed a success. So I'm home. On Mother's Day. And I don't feel very much like celebrating. But I hope yours are going well.

Today's the Day

T minus six hours before my surgery. It is strange, because I am not at all nervous. Must still be in denial! I just had my last meal, and am feeling good. I do have a little something to say to my insides though.
Dear Uterus, Ovaries, Fallopian Tubes, and Cervix:
Farewell. Goodbye. All you ever did was cause me heartache and pain every single month and I can honestly say I am not sorry to see you go. Although there is a tiny little part of me that feels sad knowing I will be "empty" inside, I am going to feel better than I ever have and there will be no more pain and I am glad you are leaving.
Sincerely, Your body.

There. I feel better now. Bring on the surgery! Oh, and Happy Mother's Day everybody, in case I don't get to the computer this weekend. You all have a reason to celebrate, no matter where you are in this adoption/parenting process. Hope it is a good one.

Pity Party is Officially over

I have decided that my pity party from last night is officially over. I had a wonderful last day at work and things are looking less "doom" like today. I can't worry about my kidneys right now. I can't worry about money, or my weight. All I can do right now is pray that things go well tomorrow and focus on healing and getting well. So that's what I am trying to do. Think calming, healing thoughts. I am not all that nervous(right now) about tomorrow. I know the drill(I've done it three times before), and I will be comfortable and safe and sound in the hospital for three days with no worries. Joe said he will sneak me in food if they won't let me eat anything(they are wierd about letting you eat after any type of abdominal surgery. I have been fine every time). Is it sad that my biggest concern is how soon they will let me eat after surgery? It's just that I was so, so hungry last time and they wouldn't give me anything and it had been almost twenty seven hours since I had last eaten and the first thing we did when they let me out was drive through Carl's Jr. Okay, it's still sad. Anyway, enough about that. Look what came in the mail today. The infamous Brown Envelope! I know it doesn't mean anyting if you don't get one, and I am not even sure what the signifigance of getting it is, but it came from China and it is the only thing we have received that is adopion related since our log in date, so I am excited about it. It's the little things that make me happy. Here is a hodge podge of pictures. One of me giving blood, and me with Mulan, Joe and me on the monorail, and the Brown envelope.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Sigh. That pretty much sums up how I am feeling today. Big sigh. Wrapping things up at work, still trying to figure out how to solve Big Financial Fiasco, and freaking out big time over my surgery. Yeah, good times. I saw the nephrologoist today. At least I waited until he left the room before I burst into tears this time. That's progress. I guess. The bottom line is the protein leak from my kidneys is getting considerably worse. Which means the kidney disease is no longer in remission. I stayed in remission for all of five months, which the doctor says is quite common with my type of kidney disease. If we cannot control the protein leak, my kidneys will start to degenerate much quicker than we would like. Not that I would like them to degenerate at all. But apparently I don't get a say in the matter. I gained half of the weight back that I lost. He was not at all happy about that. I, myself am thrilled with it(insert sarcasm here). I don't know if you have ever had to sit on a examination table while a doctor tells you that you are entirely too fat, but it is a party, let me tell you. I have been in a lot of pain and have not been walking. I have been on my period since Easter. Easter. I don't even know how many days that is, but it is a long time. And I'm sick of it. Two more days before my period ceases forever. Maybe that will be worth all of the pain and aggravation of the surgery. I am in one bad mood and am going to drown my sorrows in chocolate chip cookies(weight be damned). You know that country singer Keith Urban's song "Tonight I Want to Cry"? Well, that'll be me. I hope you all are having a better week than I.

I told the kids I was leaving today. Yeah, I have been putting it off. I just can't handle the sad faces and the questions. "But why are you leaving?". I tried to sneak it in after the story, mumbling under my breath and speaking very quickly. "I have something to tell you." I am leavinghereandgoingtoworksomewhereelseandThursdaywillbemylastday." But I brought you goody bags! They weren't going for it. "What do you mean you are leaving?" "Why are you going to work somewhere else?" (As though that would be completely ridiculous thing to do). "Are you leaving forever?" (This one really got me. Of course not, I answered. I'll come and visit all the time. Knowing full well this probably isn't true.) I had a lump in my throat the whole time. I don't do goodbyes well. What I want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head and wait until it is all over. It is hard for me to face the parents. I don't lie well. "Well, you know, I have been here a long time and it is just time for me to move on." Yeah, O.k. Whatever. Most of them see right through me. Only two more days. I didn't even go to work yesterday and it is shaping up to be a bad week. We are struggling financially right now and I'm not really sure how we're going to dig out of this one and I have one more full paycheck before my pay is cut. Please tell me other people have these types of problems. I think we may hold the record right now for overdrafts. We are simply not making it. I am trying to hold my head above water but feel like I am drowning. I can't seem to budget our money when my husband's pay is different every month(He didn't get paid for Spring Break). He only gets two more full paychecks before summer, and then his pay is cut too. I'm not sure how much longer we can do this. I may have to get another part time job on the weekends, in addition to the full time one I am looking for. None of this is helping my stress level before the surgery. I need to find a way to stress less over this. I simply don't know how. A lot of prayingis going to be going on around here.

Has it been four days since I posted? It doesn't seem like that long. I think I'm in a Blogger's slump. I haven't been writing, or reading. I'm just kind of blah. Counting down the days until my last day at work, and the surgery. I sure know how to plan things so they concur at the same time, don't I? I have been kind of freaking out over the fact that I am going to be unemployed. For like three months. I have decided to take the summer off. I'm really not sure what I'll do. But I think I'll be needing it after the surgery. I'll start looking for a new job in August. Don't ask me how we're going to survive with me on unemployment, because I just. Don't. Know. It will all work out. At least that's what Joe says. I pray every day that it will. Had a lazy day today, hanging around the house. Cleaned a bit, did some laundry. (Some? Six loads!). The weather was beautiful today. A bit windy this morning, but beautiful now. I don't have to work tomorrow, as I will be spending most of the day at the hospital, getting "pre-admitted" and doing blood work. They said it would take a couple of hours to complete. We also have an appointment at two o' clock to check if I can give my own blood, and finding out if Joe can donate to me. I pray that he can. I'm not sure it there is time to find another donor. If worst come to worst, I'll use a blood bank donor. It isn't my doctor's first choice, but we may not have a choice. Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday. Hope yours is going well.

Pre-Op Appointment

Today was my pe-op appoinment with the Gyn for my surgery. He really spent a lot of time with us and answered all of my questions. I have to admit, I am getting very nervous. This surgery is going to be much different than my previous three surgeries. First off, he wants to have two units of my blood on hand just in case. The problem is, I can't give it because I am anemic right now(having two twelve day periods with only eight days between them will do that to you I guess). He wants me to see if Joe and I have the same blood type, and if we don't he wants me to find some donors that I trust. Ummm....anyone want to give me some of their blood? I won't know my blood type until tomorrow, but please pray that Joe is a match. I don't want to have to go and ask my friends and family to donate blood for me. Also, he says he would really prefer I spend at least three nights in the hospital. Three nights! That means I'll be in the hospital on Mother's Day for sure. Yippee. I also have to have an EKG done before the surgery. He wants me to have my nephrologist do it, since I am seeing him on Tuesday anyway. All of this is starting to freak me out just a little. I get test results on my kidneys on Tuesday, and surgery on Friday. Only five more days of work left. It is going by lightning quick and painstakingly slow at the same time, if that makes sense. It will be here before I know it.

I am glad that Blake stayed on American Idol. I really like him. Oh, and I heart Jon Bon Jovi. I know, Bon Jovi doesn't seem like my kind of music, but I have always liked them(since highschool) Loved the new song too. That's it. I know, borrrrrrriiiing. Sorry.

I'm feeling kind of Blah. Tuesdays tend to do that to me. Not Mondays. Tuesdays. I don't know why. I'm living for the weekends right now, and counting down my last days at work, and my surgery(seven to go!). I was talking to one of my Moms today. She is going to coordinate people to bring me meals for a week after I come home from the hospital. This will be a Godsend for Joe, because I vaguly remember refusing to eat something Joe made for me after my last surgery because I was cranky and in so much pain. He was none too happy. At least these meals will be completely prepared and he can just pop them in the oven. It was during the conversation with this Mother that I realized I will be coming home from the hospital on Mother's Day. How ironic. The very first Mother's Day that I have wanted to celebrate since my Mom died and I will be recovering from surgery. Yay me. Sigh. I am a master planner, I am. I never was very good with dates. I had a dream about Sophie the other night. My very first dream about my daughter. It was so real. It was one of those dreams where it is so real and so good that you want to cry when the alarm goes off and it is over and you realize it was just a dream. It was that good. Here's the strange part. She was not Chinese. In my very real dream, Sophie was very obviously not Chinese. It wasn't that she looked like us. My dreams about bilogical children always included babies with pale skin and a shock of red hair, like my husband had as a child. No, she was obviously adopted, with dark skin and beautiful, large, round brown eyes, and dark hair. But in the dream she was my daughter. And I was her Mom. There was no mistaking that. I know this means nothing. Yet it was strange. It was wierd to realize when I woke up that that this child was my daughter, yet not from the country we chose. Maybe this means we'll adopt again? Who knows. All I know is I hope there are many more dreams like that to come. It was beautiful.