Friday, May 18, 2007

Thank you to those of you who have been through this and left comments. It helps me so much. Today is slightly better. I still am feeling very emotional. I had to turn off Gray's Anatamy last night and go to bed because I could not stop crying. Is it my imagination, or does every single storyline on that show include a pregnant person? My favorite is the one about the chief's wife being pregnant. His fifty-two year old wife. Whatever. I have been crying a lot today. I woke up crying. Joe isn't sure what's going on, or quite what to do about it. I had been perfectly fine up until yesterday. I am taking Estrogen in the form of the patch, and it is possible we haven't found the right dose yet. I only just started taking it. I have been worrying quite a lot about our financial situation these last few days. I think in the first couple of days home from the hospital I was so drugged up I wasn't thinking or worrying about anything. As that cloudiness dissapates, I find myself obsessing over the fact that I'm not sure we can pay our rent next month, and I don't have a job. I'll get one more full paycheck before the disability kicks in. Joe's classes are ending next week and his summer class doesn't start until the middle of June. I know it is doing no good for me to worry about these things but when you are sitting at home, in pain, with nothing but the television for distraction, there is not a lot I can do to control it. Joe has to work tonight, so I'll be flying solo for the first time since the surgery. He is a little worried about my emotional status, but I just smile and tell him I am just fine. I can tell he doesn't believe it. But he has to go to work. One of us ought to.


teena said...

hey, michelle, thanks for sending me the link again. I am sorry that you're in pain, that you're going through yet another bit of heartache and that everything sucks. you deserve lots of goodness in your life.

Tracy said...

It does get better, I promise. I remember those days of deep dark depression like it was yesterday (and it was 8 years ago), I can say until your husband comes home to you holding a life sized doll in a rocking chair you are a step ahead of me...I am normal I promise:) It's OK to go a little out of your mind if you have whatever it takes to get you through this, even if it is supremely weird (ps, other than my husband, you are the FIRST person I told that and your readers:)

Good luck and take your rent one month at a time. You say you still have a full paycheck coming so pay the most important bills first and the rest will work itself out.


Janice said...

Hang in there, chica! It's a major change and it's going to take your body a while to readjust. But you will get there. I am thinking of you and sending healing and strengthening energy your way!

Anonymous said...

Hey there - I have been keeping an eye on your blog since Disneyland. I am really sorry this is such a rough time for you.

When you get sad remind yourself that a lot of this is the hormones talking. YOU can cope - but those hormones are having a rough time and taking it out on you.

Once you get those suckers evened out everything else in life will look more manageable as well.

Hang on. So much of life seems to be just managing to keep showing up on the bad days. You will navagate this time, and I bet when you look back later you will be amazed by how it all came together.

Thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers.