Thursday, May 17, 2007

One step Foward, Two steps Back

I love that song. It describes my life perfectly sometimes. It definitely describes my recovery today. Today was not a good day. I couldn't get to sleep last night. This was odd, because I have been sleeping like a baby since coming home from the hospital on Saturday. I finally fell asleep around 12:30, only to wake up again at five a.m. I simply couldn't go back to sleep, so I let Joe have the bed(He has been sleeping on the couch with the dogs. I simply couldn't have all that movement in the bed when I was in so much pain. I'm mean, I know). I laid on the couch and watched Home Shopping Network for an hour and a half. Theyr'e going to help me organize my house and my life. As soon as I get paid. You should see some of the organizational products they have out right now. I need them. But I digress. Finally I am feeling sleepy again, so it's back to the bedrooom(Don't worry, I didn't kick Joe back to the couch. I'm not that mean). I fall into a blissful sleep until ten thirty this morning. So much for trying to stick to a schedule. Oh well, at least I am rested. I took a shower, read a little, and watched some of the shows I am quickly becoming addicted to. How do you stay at home people do it? I would have to initiate a "no t.v." rule between certain times, or I would get nothing done. Although I do realize most of you have little ones to chase around, and I'm sure that cuts down on the t.v. watching. Anyway, it is time to get ready for my post-op doctor's appointment, so I go and get dressed and put a little makeup on and attempt to bruch my hair. Scraggly ponytail it is. Off we go to the doctor. I was starting to have a little pain at this point, but I plastered a smile on my face and tell Joe I'm "Just fine". We arrive at the medical building and Joe lets me off so he can go park the car. I go up to the fourth floor and sign in, and sit down and wait for Joe to join me. The place is packed. Standing room only. I got one of the last seats. It is packed to the gills. With pregnant people. Hugely pregnant people Rubbing their bellys, and joking about how they can't tie their shoes, leaving the office beaming at the ultrasound photos they just received, and doing all of those other cute things pregnant people do. Except today I am not finding them cute. I had a moment of complete and utter panic in that office, right before Joe joined me from the parking lot, thinking Oh my Gosh. What did I do? I took away the only chance we ever had at having a biological child. Even worse, I took that chance away from the man that I love. How could I do this? what was I thinking? I am thirty-six years old! Instantly tears came to my eyes and I had to get out of there. Joe found me outside the elevator sobbing. What a dork. He quickly talked me down off of the ledge I had put myself on, and we went back into the office. They called my name shortly after, and I put on a fake smile for the nurse and told her I was "just fine, thank you very much". Same routine for the doctor. Smiles, and "Yes, I am healing nicely, and no of course I have no more pain and I'm sure I'll be running a marathon by the end of the week." Liar. I am such a good liar. As we sat in the hallway and waited for our chart to be delivered to the front desk, the sound I dread begins coming from the next room over. The ultrasound machine, picking up the sound of a baby's heartbeat. Why is that thing so loud? Finally our chart is ready and we go make our next appointment and leave. At this point I am starting to really be in some pain. It gets so bad on the elevator ride down that I think I may actually be sick. We rush to find the restroom, and I hurry in and barely make it to the toilet to throw up. I have been having some nausea, but nothing like this. By this time I am crying again as Joe waits outside the bathroom knocking on the door and asking if I am okay. Of course honey, I'm fine. Why do you ask? I cried all the way home, then took a long hot shower and snapped out of whatever it was that made me react that way. Hormones? Do I even have those anymore? I guess it's normal to have second thoughts. While sitting in a room full of pregnant women. I will get over this. Right? Of course I will. I'll be fine. And I am not lying. I will be fine, just like I always am.

2 comments:

Stacey Teague said...

Michele, switch to a Gyn, without the OB attached...it will save you a LOT of heartache. Believe me, I was there, too at 36, heartbreaking....sounds like you are doing really well, though. Pain medicine always makes me puke. PLUS it was the first time you were out and about for a long time....

Tracy said...

I can so remember SOBBING in the middle of church after my hysterectomy, it seemed like every person I saw for months had a brand new tiny baby. Plus (it may be a little early I'm not sure), but they removed your ovaries which means surgical menopause (are you on estrogen?). I used to get terrible depression when I didn't change my estrogen patch often enough (I could always tell when it was time), so it could be wacked out hormones after all.

It does get better, I promise....and next time be HONEST with the doctor about your pain...it will make you feel so much better. No one expects you to be superwoman....it's normal to be in pain at this point and it's SO NORMAL to be emotional.

Tracy