Monday, May 21, 2007
What day is it again?
The days just seem to blend, one right into the other when I don't have to get up and go to work. I woke up today fully expecting it to be Sunday. Ummm, no, that woud be yesterday. Today is Monday. All day. I have been having a much easier time of it the last two days. I am much less emotional, and have had far fewer night sweats episodes. I only get those at night. I have not had any traditional hot flashes during the day as of yet. Wierd. This is all very familiar to me, as six years ago a took a drug to treat the endometriosis that put my body into full menopause. It was so horrible for me that I cut the six month course down to four and stopped taking it. I was not taking any hormone therapy then though. I think as soon as we figure out what the right dosage of estrogen is, I will be feeling better. I was having some pretty serious doubts about the safety of taking such a drug for such a long period of time, especially after looking at some of the possible side effects. People that take estrogen for longer than five years have a 40 percent higher chance of stroke than those that don't. Forty percent! That really scares me. I just have to trust my doctor, and like Joe says, who knows what will happen in five years? Maybe there will be a better treatment with less health risks. We are already planning on getting a second opinion and checking out our options. Maybe I'll decide I don't need it at all, and tough it out. He's right. Who knows. I have to work on staying in the present, and worrying only about things I can do something about. I have been struggling so much with some of the decisions I have made lately. I am always second guessing myself. I wish that wasn't the case. I wonder a lot if I did the right thing having the surgery, or if I rushed into it. All I know is that I was in terrible pain for the three months I was on the Depo Provera, and I just wanted it to stop. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Nobody should have to live like that. I worry too, about my job. Am I doing the right thing? Fourteen years is a long time to stay at the same job to just up and leave. But I was miserable there. And ready for a change. I swear I should stop paying my therapist and just talk to my husband because I laid this all out for him last night and he told me I have to stop obsessing over decisions that have already been made. I can't change them now, and I have to have confidence in my decisions and stop second guessing them. I am spending so much time worrying about these things that I am not putting any energy into simply recovering and letting my body heal. He also told me if I continue the way I am, the entire time I have off is going to go by and I am not going to enjoy one second of it. He's right. I have never in my life had this much time off from a job, and I am wasting it worrying. Is he smart, or what? I will work on that. Does anyone have any suggestions for insomnia? Ever since I started on the hormones I have not been sleeping. Well, at night anyway. I literally either stare at the clock all night, or simply get up and go watch t.v. or read. I have been napping during the day because I am so exhausted. I know this only exacerbates the problem, but since I don't have to be anywhere during the day, I am allowing myself to do it, simpy because I am exhausted. I never was a very good sleeper, and I would go through stages, but this has been every single night for the last four nights and it is driving me crazy. I would prefer to try something natural or herbal, as I am taking so many drugs right now I hate to add another one. Well, here it is eight o' clock in the morning and I am up. Funny, because I was thinking that's early(for someone who didn't sleep), when for fourteen years I got up at five-thirty every morning for work. Funny how your perspective changes. I have much planned today. I have been messing around on my new computer with the embroidery function, yesterday I embroidered Sophie's name on a blanket. It is so cool! I'll post pictures later. Right now I'm off to have some much needed coffee.