Monday, May 21, 2007

What day is it again?

The days just seem to blend, one right into the other when I don't have to get up and go to work. I woke up today fully expecting it to be Sunday. Ummm, no, that woud be yesterday. Today is Monday. All day. I have been having a much easier time of it the last two days. I am much less emotional, and have had far fewer night sweats episodes. I only get those at night. I have not had any traditional hot flashes during the day as of yet. Wierd. This is all very familiar to me, as six years ago a took a drug to treat the endometriosis that put my body into full menopause. It was so horrible for me that I cut the six month course down to four and stopped taking it. I was not taking any hormone therapy then though. I think as soon as we figure out what the right dosage of estrogen is, I will be feeling better. I was having some pretty serious doubts about the safety of taking such a drug for such a long period of time, especially after looking at some of the possible side effects. People that take estrogen for longer than five years have a 40 percent higher chance of stroke than those that don't. Forty percent! That really scares me. I just have to trust my doctor, and like Joe says, who knows what will happen in five years? Maybe there will be a better treatment with less health risks. We are already planning on getting a second opinion and checking out our options. Maybe I'll decide I don't need it at all, and tough it out. He's right. Who knows. I have to work on staying in the present, and worrying only about things I can do something about. I have been struggling so much with some of the decisions I have made lately. I am always second guessing myself. I wish that wasn't the case. I wonder a lot if I did the right thing having the surgery, or if I rushed into it. All I know is that I was in terrible pain for the three months I was on the Depo Provera, and I just wanted it to stop. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Nobody should have to live like that. I worry too, about my job. Am I doing the right thing? Fourteen years is a long time to stay at the same job to just up and leave. But I was miserable there. And ready for a change. I swear I should stop paying my therapist and just talk to my husband because I laid this all out for him last night and he told me I have to stop obsessing over decisions that have already been made. I can't change them now, and I have to have confidence in my decisions and stop second guessing them. I am spending so much time worrying about these things that I am not putting any energy into simply recovering and letting my body heal. He also told me if I continue the way I am, the entire time I have off is going to go by and I am not going to enjoy one second of it. He's right. I have never in my life had this much time off from a job, and I am wasting it worrying. Is he smart, or what? I will work on that. Does anyone have any suggestions for insomnia? Ever since I started on the hormones I have not been sleeping. Well, at night anyway. I literally either stare at the clock all night, or simply get up and go watch t.v. or read. I have been napping during the day because I am so exhausted. I know this only exacerbates the problem, but since I don't have to be anywhere during the day, I am allowing myself to do it, simpy because I am exhausted. I never was a very good sleeper, and I would go through stages, but this has been every single night for the last four nights and it is driving me crazy. I would prefer to try something natural or herbal, as I am taking so many drugs right now I hate to add another one. Well, here it is eight o' clock in the morning and I am up. Funny, because I was thinking that's early(for someone who didn't sleep), when for fourteen years I got up at five-thirty every morning for work. Funny how your perspective changes. I have much planned today. I have been messing around on my new computer with the embroidery function, yesterday I embroidered Sophie's name on a blanket. It is so cool! I'll post pictures later. Right now I'm off to have some much needed coffee.


Kayce said...

Hellllloooo Michelle! You just left a comment on my latest post about Big Sur and you said you camp there every year! I'm so glad you make it up here to the land of total relaxation! I would love to come down for a few hours to say hi, if we aren't already there, when you come. I swear I'm not some crazy lady!! Let me know if you want to...

Mayken said...

Michelle, a couple of herbal sleep remedies to try: Valerian root or lavender. You can get Valerian root in capsule form in some drug stores or at Whole foods or other health food stores. Lavender is often available in tea but read the ingredients carefully as sometimes these teas are caffeinated! Or you can use fresh or dried lavender flowers to make a sachet to put under your pillow. If you have old stockings with runs in them you can cut the foot off and stuff the flowers in them then tie off the top. Do make sure that neither you nor Joe is allergic though as this will definitely not help matters. :-)
On the more practical level make sure you have a daily routine even though you are not working right now. Getting up and going to sleep at the same time each day sets the body clock and makes getting to sleep each night easier. A "white noise" machine can also be useful.
You definitely will get through this. Just hang in there and know there are a lot of people pulling for you!