Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Feeling overwhelmed

Today was not a great day. It wasn't horrible, it just wasn't wonderful either. I don't think I slept well last night. Woke up exhausted. So far the hideous contraption is NOT helping me, as far as I can tell. I'm feeling stressed about all that needs to be done for the adoption. I'm so stressed about it, in fact, that I have done NOTHING since the day before Thanksgiving. I really just don't know where to start. I know we have to get ready for our home-study. THAT's stressing me out big time. Not the home-study itself, but everything we have to do to get ready for it. Totally overwhelming. I know this is all going to be worth it in the end, but there is a part of me that still wishes we didn't have to go through all of this. That we could just get pregnant like everyone else. I'm also starting to really stress out about the Big Scary Surgery. I am feeling very nervous about it. I wish I didn't have to have it. But I do, so I need to get over it. Work is stressing me out. They want me to have everything ready for them when I'm gone. That means I have to prepare art projects, make up lunch schedules, check out library books, and leave detailed instructions for every little thing. It's a huge pain in the butt. I think I'm just hormonal. I heard "Silent Night"on the radio on the way home, and it made me cry. Even though I truly do love Christmas, it makes me feel sad too. I can't believe we have to go through another Christmas without a child. It feels like we have been going through this forever. I can't remember my life before we started trying. I miss my Mom more at Christmas too. I can't believe we have had so many Christmases without her. Sometimes it hits me that she is really never coming back. I know it's weird to be thinking that after 9 years, but there's something about Christmas that makes me miss her so much more. I'm going to go take a shower now, and get into my pajamas. I'll feel better tomorrow. I'm obviously in some kind of funk. Everyone has days like these(right?)

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