I don't have much to report today. I made the appointment for our physicals. One more step forward in the adoption process. I'm still waiting on the letter from my work regarding health insurance for the baby. I will be calling them tomorrow to see where we stand. That is the last thing I need before sending my documents to INS. So far things are moving along pretty smoothly. We are shooting for late Feb/early March for the home-study. Joe's driver's license and birth certificates are in the mail, so we can get started on his passport soon. We'll be making an appointment for our taxes sometime this week. Our agency only calls for one year of tax records and we figured we should use our most current tax returns since we made more money in '05 than in '04. It will be nice to get it out of the way early too, instead of waiting until the last minute like we usually do. All in all I feel pretty good about how things are going. I think it helps that I had an amazing weekend. I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of my husband so I can serve him dinner. His new schedule sucks. At least it's only for the next 16 weeks. I'm sure it will fly by. It always does.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I have been almost pain free since my last period. I did have one nasty "episode" this weekend, but other than that I have been feeling very good. Maybe the surgery helped? Only time will tell.

Home from a great weekend

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been away for the weekend. Some girlfriends and I spent the weekend at
the Pechanga Casino and Resort.
We had a blast! We played in the hotel/casino, and spent one whole day wine tasting. Temecula is beautiful! We slept in the R.V. park in my friend's motor-home, but someone else in our group had an awesome suite at the hotel, so most of our time was spent there. We spent our nights dancing and hanging out in the room. I had so much fun. It has been way too long since I spent a weekend with friends. To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I did, unless it was at my friend's bachelorette party, and that was seven years ago! I am so unaccustomed to partying like this that I had to come home and take a two hour nap! Now I am all rested and refreshed to start my work week tomorrow. It sure is good to get away now and then.

Paperchase blues

I'm starting to get why people refer to the paper-chase as nerve-racking. It's not all the forms you have to fill out. It's not the questions you have to answer, or the copying and faxing, or the phone calls(to the doctor, the adoption agency every 10 minutes, etc.) No, it's not any of those things, because I am totally cool with all of the above. What's driving me crazy is the WAITING and DEPENDING on other people to do things for you so you can move forward. I am a pretty independent person. I like to do things myself. I can be very organized(when I choose to be), and I get things done. I don't like to ask other people for help. So it is totally bugging me that I HAVE to ask other people to do things for me in this process, and I can't do anything about how or when they complete them. For instance, I called our doctor's office to make an appointment for our physicals. I told her I also would be needing the doc to fill out a couple of forms. So the receptionist tells me she would like me to fax over the forms so my doctor can have a look at them, and then they will call me to set up an appt. Fine. I faxed the forms that day. Well that was almost six days ago, and still no phone call to set up an appt. So now I have to call them again tomorrow and insist that they give me an appointment. Like I don't have enough to do. I also have to have the accounting office at my job type a letter stating when an adopted child would be covered under my health insurance(there is no paragraph in my handbook that states this). That is the only document I need before I send my packet to the INS to get our fingerprint appt. In her defense, I only asked for it yesterday, but I want. it. right. now. My goal was to get this paperwork out at the latest Friday. It is going to make me crazy if this one piece of paper makes me wait until next week. Crazy I tell you! And don't even get me started on the reference letters. I am going to try very hard not to harass the people I asked to write them. Try. Very. Hard. But I can't guarantee anything! So let me apologize in advance if I seem a little cranky or short with you. It isn't intentional. I'm in the process of learning a lesson in patience, and I am not enjoying it one bit.

I swore I wasn't going to do this

When we started this process, I told myself I wouldn't get caught up in the whole ladybug craze. It seemed so kitchy, and I hate to do things that "everyone else is doing". I was doing pretty well, too. I had seen a few cute ladybug items, but I hadn't purchased any. Well, recently I started looking around and I noticed that some ladybug stuff has started to sneak into my house! I think it all started with this:







I bought it at the Harvest Festival, because I thought it was cute, and my kitchen is done in a garden theme anyway, so it fit right in. Besides, our old paper-towel holder had broken, and we needed a new one. Well my Dad bought me this to go with it. It's only a teeny little magnet. What's the harm in that? A few weeks later, I allowed myself to venture into Pottery Barn Kids(which I had never allowed myself to do before), and I found these. They are appliqué's that you stick on the bottom of your tub so you(or your child) won't slip. Again, they're functional, so that's how I justified them. I wandered around in that store forever, looking at all the bedroom "themes" and cute stuff, when I stumbled upon this. The baby's going to need a night-light, right? And I just thought it was so cute! And we had already decided that the baby's room would have somewhat of a garden theme, and ladybugs live in gardens, right? They also had bath rugs and towels to match, but I am proud to say I did not buy those!(Yet:)! And finally, I was getting all of the baby stuff together and I found these. They're booties that will probably be too small, and my boss bought them for me, and I certainly don't have control over what other people buy me! I promise those will be the last ladybug items I will buy.(Until I see something else that is just so cute that I MUST have it!)

Adoption paperwork

I have just finished filling out stacks of paperwork from the adoption agency. My eyes are watery and red and my hand is cramped, but the good news is, I can mail out a lot of it tomorrow. Joe's birth certificate should be here in a week, so we can get his passport soon after that. I have most of the paperwork completed in order to get our home-study started. Joe and I are going to work on the personal history questions tomorrow. It helps to have a writer in the family! I will be making an appointment for our physicals on Wednesday, and we'll be going in to get live scanned sometime next week, after Joe's driver's license comes in the mail(he lost his a month ago). It is so dumb that we have to have the live-scan prints done again, as both Joe and I had them done in August for our jobs. What a waste of time and money. Oh well, I'm sure it is just one of many inconvenient tasks we will be required to do during this wonderful process called adoption. Things seem to be moving along smoothly. I want to get our dossier in order as soon as possible so the chances of going to China with Lisa and Scott are better. They only have to have an updated home-study, unlike us. If things don't work out right and we aren't able to go together, that's fine. I just really think it would be neat to become a mom and an aunt again at the same time.

I found this scripture on another site and it spoke to me: Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. Isaiah 45:5.

I found out today that I am going to be an aunt again! Yay! And they're going to China again. Double Yay! I just hope we can get it together enough so we can both travel together. That would be so cool! We're calling the agency tomorrow to set up our home study, so we'll be pretty busy for the next month or so. I've been doing a lot of cleaning up around here. It's starting to look like I may not even need to hire someone to clean. I'm getting it all done myself. We still have a bunch of junk to get rid of out of the extra room, and I still have some clutter to get rid of, but other than that I'd say we were ready. It is so exciting! Joe just brought me a Chinese New Year bouquet of flowers. He is so sweet. It's funny, because I got him a card and a little present, but I wasn't going to give it to him until Friday(that's when Chinese New Year actually is, right? The 31st?). Anyway, things are really starting to roll right along. I couldn't be happier. And I love reading the blogs of other people who are getting ready to get their referrals. It gives me such hope that this process will go quickly and in the end we will have a beautiful daughter. Life is good.

Another reason my husband is the best

Sorry these are all behind by a couple of weeks. I've been too busy. Anyway, this is what I came home to a couple of weeks a go when I was in so much pain and having a rotten day.....
Am I lucky, or what?

Belated Birthday Present pictures

I had forgotten that I promised to post pictures of the wonderful birthday present my husband had waiting fo rme when I came home from dinner with my IF group. So here they are....
I think he must have bought Bath and Body Works out! There were so many goodies in that box!

My niece is adorable

I just realized I hadn't posted a companion post for "My nephew is adorable". I don't want you to think I am showing favoritism. Of course my niece is adorable too! Here's proof:

Date Night

Tonight Joe and I had a much needed date night. I know what you are thinking. People who don't have kids don't need a date night. They can go out whenever they want. While this may be true, the reality is that we don't go out. We rarely go out to dinner, and we almost never go to the movies at night. We always end up at the matinee, during the week or on Sunday, because it's cheaper and not so crowded. In fact, we very rarely leave the house after dark! We're pretty boring. So anyway, I thought it was about time we change our hermit status and see how the other half lives. Tonight's date night even had a theme! First we went to dinner at a Sushi place Joe has been wanting to try, then we went to see Memoirs of a Giesha. The sushi was excellent, and the movie was too. We had a great time and have vowed to do it at least once a month. I figure we should try and get out as much as possible in the next year or so, because according to my sister, once we have kids we won't get out very much, just the two of us!

Tagged

O.K., I've been tagged by my sister. The first thing I thought was "Oh great, I never know how to answer these things." But then I decided that anything that took this blog away from the depressing talk of yesterday was a good thing! So here goes....
I've been tagged!


What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was enjoying married life for the third year. I was working two jobs and going to school(I still have one of those jobs!) If I remember correctly, my Mom's health was deteriorating at that time, so I was trying to spend a lot of time with her.
What were you doing one year ago?
Still trying to have a baby, but other than that, same old same old. Same job, same address. I was very excited about the arrival of my new niece though.

Five Snacks I enjoy:
Anything chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Sour cream and onion potato chips
Did I mention chocolate?

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
Buy a house
Adopt a bunch of children, from all over the world
Donate to my church
Open a quality preschool/childcare center
Travel more

Five bad habits:
I wrap my towel around my head after I shower, then I leave the towel wherever I may be: on the couch, on the floor, hanging on the computer chair, etc.
I forget to return phone calls and e-mails. I think about calling/sending them so much that sometimes I start to believe I already did it!
I nag my husband
I put others before myself-sometimes a good things, other times not so much
I can be very hard on myself

Five things I enjoy doing:
Scrapbooking
Making jewelry
Spending time with my hubby just hangin' out
Reading
Watching T.V.-only when I'm with my husband. Sometimes we tape a week's worth of shows on our D.V.R. and then spend all Friday night just catching up on our shows

Five things I would never wear, buy, or get new again:
Thong underwear
An expensive, designer purse. I seem to be the only person at work who is NOT obsessed with collecting overpriced designer handbags.
A huge SUV
Expensive sunglasses. I have lost and/or broken every pair I own so now I only buy cheap ones at Target.
I can't think of anything else right now.


Five favorite toys/games
My new cell phone with Itunes
Handheld Yahtzee game
My new portable DVD player
Digital camera
I can't really tag anyone else, as the only other blogs I read are people who don't know me. I "lurk" a lot.

Bad news from the doctor

Today I had a follow up visit with the doctor that performed my surgery in December. If you remember, I had that surgery to help relieve me of the extreme pain I deal with every month due to the endometriosis. They were supposed to cut the nerves inside my pelvis, as well as clean out any endo they found. On our last visit the doc informed me things didn't go exactly as planned. I was a mess inside, and they weren't able to get as many nerves as we had hoped. He did say that he thought he got a few, and hopefully I would be feeling some relief. Despite those encouraging words, this month's cycle wound up being one of my worst ever. I had terrible pain and spent three whole days in bed completely doped up on Percocet. I'm finally feeling better now that I've finally started my period. So today is the first time I've been able to talk to the doctor since two days after the surgery. This is how the visit went:

The doctor walks into the room and tells me he heard that I had a very bad cycle this month(I had called his office and talked to the nurse after the third day of extreme pain). He tells me he's sorry I've had such a hard time.

What the Doctor actually said: "We got the results back from the lab, and all of the tissue we cut out tested negative for nerve tissue." In other words, they didn't get any nerves at all. None. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

What I heard: That surgery was a complete waste of our time. We didn't accomplish anything.

What he said: "We could try and go back in and see if we can get a better look."

What I heard: This pain will never go away. To control it, you must have risky, painful surgeries at least once a year.

What he said: "We have to decide what you want to do from here. You could go on birth control to try and control the pain."

What I heard:: There is no way that you will ever be able to become pregnant(ever), so you may as well just give up now.

What he said: "Let's give it a couple more cycles to see if you get any relief. Maybe that last cycle wasn't representative of future cycles."

What I heard: Why don't you just spend another couple of months in complete and total agony and see how you feel after that?

What he said(after that last comment didn't sit well with me) "Try these two pain killers together and see if they bring you any relief."

What I heard: Here are two prescriptions for drugs your insurance company won't cover, so you can pay a ton of money you don't have and spend two weeks out of every month in a drug induced haze.

What he said:"If worst comes to worst we may have to go back in and take everything out."

What I heard:There is really nothing more we can do for you. In addition to all of the pain and torture you have been through, you will probably have to have all of your womanly parts removed from your body at the age of thirty five and spend the rest of your life on Hormone Replacement Therapy, which puts you at risk for a myriad of other bad things which we won't get into now.

So I left the office in tears, and I feel them welling up as I type this. I'm at the end of my rope. There's nowhere to go but up from here. Right?

Beautiful San Francisco

I took these while we were up in S.F. over Christmas. I finally got around to uploading my pictures. All 176 of them! I'll post more later. I'm not even sure where these were taken. We took a drive one evening while babysitting just to get out of the house and ended up here. It was so beautiful.

My nephew is adorable

This is one of the few pictures I got of Cameron when he wasn't making a silly face or his "Batman" face(which looks like a frown, but is supposed to look serious). He sure is cute, if I do say so myself.

Boring day

Kind of a non-eventful day today. We have actually been doing a lot of serious house cleaning, so at least it's been productive. I filled out a bunch of adoption paperwork, and I will be sending it on Tuesday. I will be calling to make our appointment for our physicals then too. We're finally going to get things rolling. I'm having a real problem with finding three references though. They can't be relatives or my employer. I don't have that many friends(that sounds sad, but its true). I guess I could choose someone that I work with and write the letter myself. I don't trust anybody there to write a coherent letter for me. Our next big task is going to be to clean out the extra bedroom. Boy is there a lot of junk in there! I better get back to work.

It's possible our neighbor is NOT a serial killer

O.K., so this morning I nonchalantly took a little walk past the neighbor's house to see if I could determine why he was using a rotary saw at 10:00 p.m. last night. It appears that he actually WAS building shelves. For his daughter's room. I'm willing to admit that it's possible he isn't a serial killer. But I'm still going to keep a close eye on him, because in this crazy world, ANYTHING can happen, and hey, I truly haven't seen his wife in a while! In other news, my sister and I signed up for the
Scrapbook Expo next month at the Orange County Fairgrounds. I'm sooo excited! I haven't done much scrap-booking lately, as I have been totally obsessed with beading as of late. She's coming without the kids too, so we can party, party, party! (HA! We'll still be in bed by 10:00 I'm sure). I can't wait.

I was about to go to bed a few minutes ago when I heard the strangest noise. It was a loud, high pitched buzzing sound. After listening closer, it was determined(by Joe) that it was a rotary saw. The noise sounded very close by, like it was right out in front of our apartment. Keep in mind that it is almost ten o clock at night right now. So we talk about how strange it is to hear that sound so late at night, then dismiss it and I go into the other room to change into my P.J.'s. While I'm changing, something that I either heard on the news or read in the paper comes to mind. So I come flying out of the bedroom to share it with Joe. It was reported that apparently Jeffrey Dahmer's neighbors heard the same noise coming from his apartment at odd hours of the night. They later said they just thought he was building/installing shelves. At one and two in the morning? After further investigation I discovered the noise was indeed a rotary saw and it was coming from the neighbors right next door to us. So now I'm convinced our next door neighbor is a serial killer. Joe thinks I am crazy. These particular neighbors hate us, so now I will be on my best behavior when I see him. Come to think of it, I haven't seen his wife in quite some time. Man, do I have an overactive imagination or what? I better get to bed before I decide to call the police!

I just happened to glance over at my profile and noticed two things. First, could the picture of us BE any bigger? Other people's profile pics aren't that big. I'm going to have to change that. And second, the first line says I am 34 years old. Since I turned 35 seven days ago today, I really should change that too. But I don't want to. So I'm not gonna. At least not for now.
I need to stay in denial, at least for a little while longer. I'm still not ready to be 35, especially in writing. In fact, maybe I'll take the age out completely, then nobody will know how old I am at all! Yeah, that's a great idea! As soon as I finish the two thousand other things I have to do, I'l get around to that. Maybe :) We're getting ready to go full steam ahead on the adoption paperwork. The goal is to have our home-study done in the next month or so. Probably more realistically two months. My job is to be as organized about this process as possible, and Joe's job is going to be to keep my head from exploding due to stress. Don't worry. He is very good at this and has been doing it for years. We're supposed to go to a seminar at my school tonight, but I'm thinking we probably won't make it. I have a headache and am having a lot of cramping and don't feel up to it. It would be different if it was down the street, but it's a half an hour away, right during rush hour traffic. I wish I lived closer to where I worked. It would make things much simpler.

I'm feeling much better today. I usually feel pretty good right before I start. It's strange because I could have sworn I started last week, but it turned out to be only spotting, which I almost never have. I know, too much information. I see the gastroenterologist tomorrow. He's going to change the medication that I am taking to treat the IBS. I'm not sure the one I'm using is working effectively. I'm going to pretend the pain I was having this weekend was due to the surgery and try to look ahead toward the future. This surgery worked for me. I know it did. If anything, it will give me some relief, as most of the pain I was having this weekend was not as intense as before. I have to think positively. I may have had a touch of the flu too, as I was extremely achy and feverish and don't feel that way now. I came home from work today and cleaned the house. Really cleaned it. I even cleaned out the entire fridge. It was gross. I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday(I was home sick O.K.?) and one of his guests had a serious organization/clutter problem. I totally related. That's one of our biggest problems.(Clutter). That's going to be my New Year's resolution this year. To get more organized. Notice I said "more" organized. It would be too overwhelming for me to say "Completely organized" Oh, and to finish the adoption paperwork and become DTC . That's going to be a big one. Joe is calling the adoption agency tomorrow. I need for this process to be a shared experience and I think it would be good for him to talk to someone so he feels as stressed out as I do is as knowledgeable as I am about the process. Well, gotta go. We have a bunch of shows on the DVR to catch up on. I don't know how we ever lived without this thing! (Yeah, we can be T.V. junkies sometimes. We're just waiting for a child to take up all of our attention so we're too tired to ever watch anything again. I can hardly wait!)

Whatever it was I seem to be over it

Feeling much better now. I just got off the phone with the doctor's office. Are there NO doctors left on the planet that actually speak with their patients in person? I spoke with someone I don't even know, who knew nothing of my history. The diagnosis(without even being seen) is that I overdid it after surgery. WHAT? This coming from the same office that told me I would only be out for a day or two after the laparoscopy. She(the person I spoke with) also told me I should stop taking the Percocet, since three weeks is simply too long to be taking a pain killer of that strength. Again WHAT? I explained several times that I had NOT been taking the Percocet fro three weeks, that I had been taking the leftovers from my surgery for the last two days when the pain got more intense. Where in the heck does she think I would have gotten anough Percocet to last me three weeks anyway? She wasn't interested at all in my theory about this pain being very reminiscent of the pain I had five years ago when a cyst on my ovary burst. She told me I should take it easy(does she KNOW what I do for a living?) and take Tylenol when needed. Gee, I'm glad I called and obtained such expert advice. They didn't even want to up my post-op visit from next week to this week. She didn't feel it was necessary unless the pain worsened. That's it, next time I have even a twinge of pain, I'm going straight to the E.R. For now I'm going to act like this pain WAS from me overdoing it after the surgery, and expect to NOT have this pain again next month. Because if I do have pain like this every month, that doctor is going to get pretty sick of me. I'm not letting this continue. I won't live my life this way. I''ll change doctors again if I have to, even though this is doctor number six I have tried for the same problem.

Slightly better day

I'm feeling a tiny bit better. I talked to the doctor on call. He said exactly what we thought he would say. If the pain is bad and persists, take what painkillers I have on hand and see the doc on Monday, or go to the E.R. After much discussion I decided I didn't need to go to the Emergency room. Big Surprise huh? Actually, the pain has been bearable since this morning when I took a Percocet. The problem is, although they work remarkably for the pain, they really make me feel drugged and sleepy. I have been in bed since 5:00 on Friday night. I have been asleep for all but 5 or 6 hours of that time. Many people have wondered why I won't go to the E.R. I have posted about this before. It's more than the fact that it is uncomfortable and they keep you there forever. I've been to the E.R. four times in the last ten years (all for the same symptoms), and they have yet to diagnose the correct problem. They always come back saying they don't know what is causing the pain. It's nice to have the pain killers, but I have some pretty good ones at home right now, and I get to stay in the comfort of my own bed. The other reason is that although the pain this time was extremely uncomfortable and at times constant, it wasn't excruciating. It was bearable, with Percocet and warm baths and a heating pad. I don't want to take up a room that someone else with a serious illness or injury might need. What if there was a car accident or something and they needed the room that I was in? Each time I took a trip to the E.R. I was there a minimum of six hours. It's not like they admit you, give you pain killers, and let you go home. There are a myriad of tests they must perform first. Most of them are uncomfortable, especially when you are already in pain. And then they always come back with "Everything looks normal. We don't know why you are in pain." Endometriosis is a very difficult disease to diagnose. It doesn't show up on X-rays or ultrasounds. The pain can be very elusive too. It seems to be almost impossible to detect exactly what is causing it. I will be making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, so he knows what my symptoms are and to rule out anything serious, like an infection. But I fully expect him to look puzzled and not be able to say why exactly I am having this pain. Joe has already decided I am in no shape to go to work tomorrow, and has already called my boss for me. I have extreme guilt about this. I have just returned from a three week absence, which I had to extend by one day last week. We are already short handed, as one person took an extended vacation and won't be back until the 18th. But I don't have a choice in the matter now. I agree that we do need to get to the bottom of this, as this is no way to live. I wonder sometimes why everything must always be so complicated.

Something is not quite right

I have been wavering all day about whether or not to post about this. I had decided a month ago that in 2006 this blog was going to be about the adoption, and about happy things that happen. No more depressing posts. I have enough of those(just check my archives, especially from last summer. Yikes!) I realize I pretty much ruined that with my "I'm freaked out about turning 35 post", but I was going to get back on track. That was the plan. The only problem is, I've been keeping a secret. For the last 9 or 10 days I have been hiding it from my family, from my coworkers, and my friends. Joe is the only one that knew. Yesterday I told my therapist. As you all know, I had surgery three(almost four) weeks ago. They cut the nerves inside my pelvis so I wouldn't feel the excruciating pain I had been dealing with for years. The surgery ended up being more extensive than planned, and my recovery took longer than I had hoped. This surgery was supposed to be my miracle. The answer to my prayers. The end of my suffering. As far as everybody knows, this is true. The truth is, so far this has not been the case. I have had extreme cramping since the surgery. At times the cramping lasts three of four hours. Although the severity of the cramping before the surgery was worse, I NEVER in my life had non-stop cramping like this. Before, I had "episodes" that would last 20-30 minutes at most, and then I would get a reprieve for at least an hour. I'm not supposed to be having cramping at all. I should be able to feel very little, if anything. But I am. And it's bad. And I've been hiding it from people because I'm embarrassed. Like it's my fault. There is obviously something wrong with me. Maybe this is all psychosomatic. All in my head. Maybe I'm causing myself this pain. I've had three surgeries to correct this. I have been on the pill. I have taken drugs that put my body into menopause. I have done acupuncture. I am taking antidepressants. This surgery was pretty much my last shot at feeling better. I told everyone how I was going to be feeling so good after the surgery. I bragged about it even! I can't believe it didn't work. I can't believe I am destined to be in this pain. For the last year I have prayed for it to stop. I even made a "deal" with God. I told him it would be O.K. if we couldn't get pregnant, if only He would stop the pain. I prayed about this surgery. A lot. I thought I was supposed to do it. Now I wonder. Joe thinks I am getting ahead of myself. He thinks the pain is because I am still healing inside from the surgery. He says maybe I'm having pain because it is my first period after the surgery. I haven't even started my period yet. I'm four days late. I have been in bed all day, in and out of the bath tub. I even took a Percot that was left over from the surgery. It helped minimally. We both agreed I will go to the E.R. tomorrow if the pain doesn't subside. We will also be calling the doctor on call to see what they think. I'm not going to take this lying down. For so long I have just endured, and had doctors tell me there's nothing they can do. I'm not living my life like this.

Please ignore the previous post

Really, I should just erase it. It truly was depressing. Sorry about that. I'm hormonal and off of my meds. Don't worry, Joe will be at the pharmacy first thing in the morning to have them refilled. I did end up going out with my infertility group(I MUST find another name for us). I had a great time. I completely forgot about my lousy day. And then when I got home, my husband had an awesome present waiting for me. I'll post pics tomorrow. He's the best! So I'm feeling much better now. Tomorrow is Friday. You can't beat a two day work week! I'll be going out tomorrow to celebrate with Joe(thanks Dad!), so I have that to look forward to also. Now I'm off to bed, as it is way past my bedtime.

Happy Birthday To Me

That's right, today is my birthday. I turned 35. I wish I could say I was having a wonderful day so far. I could lie and say that anyway. That way anyone that checks my blog could see a nice little post about how much I enjoyed my birthday. The only problem is, I have always been truthful on this blog, even when talking about sensitive or depressing things. So instead I'l tell you how my day really went. We got home pretty late last night, around 8:00. I was exhausted. I spent every minute of yesterday sitting in a car, an airport van, the airport, an airplane, a taxi, and then my own car, from 8:00 in the morning till
8:00 at night. You wouldn't think that would make you tired, but it did. Exhausted actually. Travel does that to you. As soon as we got home, I went to bed(at 8:30). I woke up this morning before the alarm went off(5:00 a.m.). I think I was worried I might oversleep. I got to wok on time, no problems there. I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. My boss knew, but no on else. The parents greeted me just like it was any other day. Keep in mind that I have been gone for three weeks! Most of them knew I had surgery. No one asked how it went. Only one or two people even asked me how my Christmas was. This makes me sad. Sometimes my job really gets me down. Aside from a few wonderful parents that I know well, these people treat me like they would treat the person they pay at the gas station. Some of them don't even say good morning to me when they drop their kids off! I won't get started on this. It is best saved for another post. Anyway, not a warm and fuzzy way to start my birthday. Shortly after arriving at work, I began to have some cramping. Not excruciating, but definitely noticeable. I was so bummed. I was truly expecting to feel nothing after having the nerves cut and all. I think my expectations may have been a little high, but I was disappointed nonetheless. Then I started my period. Yay for me. My day just gets better and better. For some reason I was feeling sad that it was my birthday. I don't want to turn 35. I feel OLD. Since most of my friends/
coworkers are older than me, I get no sympathy regarding that last statement. But it's how I feel. So there. We said we would stop trying to get pregnant when I turned 35. So I'm bummed about that. This in no way affects my decision or my feelings regarding the adoption. I still feel as passionately about that as I always have. I'm just having a hard time letting go of the whole pregnancy thing. Forgive me. It's hard. My boss did order in lunch for me, and I got some nice gifts from my coworkers. So it wasn't that the entire day was bad, it was just the overall feeling of the day in general. I decided to go and get my hair cut after work. I was way overdue, and I figured that would make me feel better. I went to Fantastic Sam's. Some of you might say I deserve what I got, because I went there instead of a nice salon, but I always go there. It's cheap and they usually do a good job. Today they did not. I hated my hair cut. I still hate it. They didn't even blow dry it, so I left there with it wet. I drove home in an even worse mood. I get home and discover Joe is not home and I don't have a house key. I call him. He is 45 minutes away and I have to pee. He forbids me from climbing over the fence like I usually do. He's afraid I will hurt my stomach like I did last time, and the incision site is still tender. I sit down on the porch and begin to cry. He doesn't quite understand why I am so upset. The neighbors walk by and see me sitting on my porch crying. I am pretty sure they think I am crazy. At the very least they think I am mentally unstable. I climb over the fence anyway, and cut my leg. It is bleeding, but at least I'm inside away from the neighbors. Joe calls again. He's pissed that I climbed over. I'm supposed to go out with my infertility group tonight, but am seriously considering canceling. Joe thinks I should go. He thinks I will feel better if I go out with my friends. I can't stop crying(I started my period, remember?), so I don't know if I should go. I have to decide in the next ten minutes. I didn't even get a birthday cake on my birthday. If I do go, I want to pretend it's not my birthday. If some waiter starts singing to me, I might just lose it. I think I already have lost it.

I Think I Have This Parenting Thing Down Pat!

That's right! After spending only two days being fully in charge of my niece and nephew, I am ready to be a parent! So far I have gotten up and gotten myself ready, complete with makeup, blow drying my hair(AND using the straightening iron on it!). I dressed and fed both children, got Cameron to school on time, with a healthy lunch that I packed, fed Gracie lunch, picked up Cameron from school, and now one is napping while the other is watching the allotted 2 hours of T.V. The dishes are done, the kitchen floor is swept and mopped, the living room is free of toys and vaccuumed, and Cameron and Gracie's lunch and snack are in the fridge, already packed for tomorrow! I have laid out the next three days of clothes for the babysitter, and lined up their shoes and socks on the bench by the door. I'm feeling good! I think if China decided to drop a baby at my house right now, I could handle it! Of course, did I forget to mention that Uncle Joe made their waffles this morning and got Gracie dressed? Oh, and he stayed with Gracie when I took Cameron to school so I wouldn't have to get two kids in and out of the car? And that the babysitter is coming in a half an hour so I can get out of here? Did I forget to mention those things? Oops! O.K., so IF I had a full time nanny I would be ready for a baby right now. I'm getting there!

The joys of parenthood

Well, we made it through our first night of substitute parenting without a hitch. The second night, I'm sorry to say, didn't go as smoothly. Gracie awoke at 4:30 this morning crying, so I sent Joe down to see what was the matter(that's the Dad's job right?). I was thinking he would comfort her and put her back to sleep so we could all finish out what was left of the morning in blissful slumber until the alarm went off at 6:30. But noooo...what does he do instead? He brings her up and puts her in our(Lisa and Scott's) bed! And then he turned over and went right back to sleep! So who do you think spent from 4:30-5:30 this morning trying to get back to sleep while me and the two year old had the following conversation:

Gracie: Shell?(while feeling my face to see if my eyes were open)
Me: Shhhhh....It's night night time. Go to sleep.
Gracie: Where Momma?
Me: You know where Momma is
Gracie: On boat?
Me: Yes
Gracie: Where Dada?
Me: With Momma
Gracie: On boat?
Me: Yes
Gracie: Oh
Gracie: Shell?
Me: Shhh...Go to sleep
Gracie: No No No No (But at least she laid down and stopped poking me in the eyes)
Me: I say nothing, and try to ingnore her to see if that will make her go back to sleep. I am too tired to put her back in her crib. Eventually she did fall asleep, but after about an hour of my much needed beauty rest was interrupted. I wanted to cry when the alarm went off an hour later, at 6:30.
I'm feeling better now, after having dropped Cameron off at school and drinking three cups of coffee. I'm sure I'll be falling asleep shortly after dinner, at about 7:00 p.m. tonight.

Rain Rain Go Away...Please!

O.K. It's still raining here. I'm getting pretty tired of it. Enough is enough already! I was imagining a day at the park, complete with a picnic, but I guess we'll have to settle for the indoor playground at Burger King and a walk in the rain to splash in the puddles later instead. Lisa and Scott left last night to spend the night in Fresno before embarking on the drive to Long Beach for their cruise today. So far things have gone quite smoothly, despite the continuing rain. Tomorrow might be a little more challenging, getting up early to get Cameron to school in the morning. Wednesday is going to be a nightmare because both kids have school, we have to get to the airport immediatly after picking them up, then the switch over to the babysitter that will be watching them the rest of the week until Mommy and Daddy come home Friday evening. I'll be back to work on Thursday, which is also my birthday. Things will get back to normal, and it'll be like I never left! I can't remember the last time I had three and a half weeks off. On one hand it flew by, but on the other it seems like forever since I went to work. I'll tell you one thing, I sure don't miss getting up at 5:15 a.m.! Oh well, I guess I'll get back into the swing of things pretty quickly. We had a nice dinner out on Saturday for our birthdays. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit I went to sleep at 10:30 and didn't wake up at midnight to welcome in the new year like I usually do! It was kind of a mellow New Year's Eve this year. We're off to brave the rain and the multitude of children at the Burger King playground. More later.