Thursday, January 05, 2006

Happy Birthday To Me

That's right, today is my birthday. I turned 35. I wish I could say I was having a wonderful day so far. I could lie and say that anyway. That way anyone that checks my blog could see a nice little post about how much I enjoyed my birthday. The only problem is, I have always been truthful on this blog, even when talking about sensitive or depressing things. So instead I'l tell you how my day really went. We got home pretty late last night, around 8:00. I was exhausted. I spent every minute of yesterday sitting in a car, an airport van, the airport, an airplane, a taxi, and then my own car, from 8:00 in the morning till
8:00 at night. You wouldn't think that would make you tired, but it did. Exhausted actually. Travel does that to you. As soon as we got home, I went to bed(at 8:30). I woke up this morning before the alarm went off(5:00 a.m.). I think I was worried I might oversleep. I got to wok on time, no problems there. I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. My boss knew, but no on else. The parents greeted me just like it was any other day. Keep in mind that I have been gone for three weeks! Most of them knew I had surgery. No one asked how it went. Only one or two people even asked me how my Christmas was. This makes me sad. Sometimes my job really gets me down. Aside from a few wonderful parents that I know well, these people treat me like they would treat the person they pay at the gas station. Some of them don't even say good morning to me when they drop their kids off! I won't get started on this. It is best saved for another post. Anyway, not a warm and fuzzy way to start my birthday. Shortly after arriving at work, I began to have some cramping. Not excruciating, but definitely noticeable. I was so bummed. I was truly expecting to feel nothing after having the nerves cut and all. I think my expectations may have been a little high, but I was disappointed nonetheless. Then I started my period. Yay for me. My day just gets better and better. For some reason I was feeling sad that it was my birthday. I don't want to turn 35. I feel OLD. Since most of my friends/
coworkers are older than me, I get no sympathy regarding that last statement. But it's how I feel. So there. We said we would stop trying to get pregnant when I turned 35. So I'm bummed about that. This in no way affects my decision or my feelings regarding the adoption. I still feel as passionately about that as I always have. I'm just having a hard time letting go of the whole pregnancy thing. Forgive me. It's hard. My boss did order in lunch for me, and I got some nice gifts from my coworkers. So it wasn't that the entire day was bad, it was just the overall feeling of the day in general. I decided to go and get my hair cut after work. I was way overdue, and I figured that would make me feel better. I went to Fantastic Sam's. Some of you might say I deserve what I got, because I went there instead of a nice salon, but I always go there. It's cheap and they usually do a good job. Today they did not. I hated my hair cut. I still hate it. They didn't even blow dry it, so I left there with it wet. I drove home in an even worse mood. I get home and discover Joe is not home and I don't have a house key. I call him. He is 45 minutes away and I have to pee. He forbids me from climbing over the fence like I usually do. He's afraid I will hurt my stomach like I did last time, and the incision site is still tender. I sit down on the porch and begin to cry. He doesn't quite understand why I am so upset. The neighbors walk by and see me sitting on my porch crying. I am pretty sure they think I am crazy. At the very least they think I am mentally unstable. I climb over the fence anyway, and cut my leg. It is bleeding, but at least I'm inside away from the neighbors. Joe calls again. He's pissed that I climbed over. I'm supposed to go out with my infertility group tonight, but am seriously considering canceling. Joe thinks I should go. He thinks I will feel better if I go out with my friends. I can't stop crying(I started my period, remember?), so I don't know if I should go. I have to decide in the next ten minutes. I didn't even get a birthday cake on my birthday. If I do go, I want to pretend it's not my birthday. If some waiter starts singing to me, I might just lose it. I think I already have lost it.


Stacy said...

Happy Birthday!!!! I turn 36 in 42 days, but I used my 35th birthday to fill out the application for my first adoption agency (switched countries, switched agencies, now waiting for my daughter-to-be from Guatemala). 35 SUCKS, especially when you so desperately want to be a mom. It's that critical age where everything, supposedly, changes. I cried the entire morning of my 35th, which is why I filled out the paperwork that night. This year, I'll be packing to visit my daughter-to-be, because my birthday present to myself is a trip to Guatemala.

Things will get better, you'll be a mom soon. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Gracencameronsmomy said...

I am sorry you had such a bad birthday!!! I am just catching up...THanks for watching the kids, THey were so happy to see us, but then Hracie imediately asked for her "Aunt Shell" I hope today was better!

Shana said...

Oh- have I been there! I freaked out when I turned 35, but now when people ask me how old I am I say proudly, "34!" and then I whisper to myself with my head turned " 3!" So, forever 34 I will be- and you should be too! Happy happy birthday, and just think- you will look back on being 35 as the most wonderful year- the year you were united with your precious daughter! Hugs, Shana :)

and p.s. - no apologies necessary!