Saturday, January 07, 2006
Something is not quite right
I have been wavering all day about whether or not to post about this. I had decided a month ago that in 2006 this blog was going to be about the adoption, and about happy things that happen. No more depressing posts. I have enough of those(just check my archives, especially from last summer. Yikes!) I realize I pretty much ruined that with my "I'm freaked out about turning 35 post", but I was going to get back on track. That was the plan. The only problem is, I've been keeping a secret. For the last 9 or 10 days I have been hiding it from my family, from my coworkers, and my friends. Joe is the only one that knew. Yesterday I told my therapist. As you all know, I had surgery three(almost four) weeks ago. They cut the nerves inside my pelvis so I wouldn't feel the excruciating pain I had been dealing with for years. The surgery ended up being more extensive than planned, and my recovery took longer than I had hoped. This surgery was supposed to be my miracle. The answer to my prayers. The end of my suffering. As far as everybody knows, this is true. The truth is, so far this has not been the case. I have had extreme cramping since the surgery. At times the cramping lasts three of four hours. Although the severity of the cramping before the surgery was worse, I NEVER in my life had non-stop cramping like this. Before, I had "episodes" that would last 20-30 minutes at most, and then I would get a reprieve for at least an hour. I'm not supposed to be having cramping at all. I should be able to feel very little, if anything. But I am. And it's bad. And I've been hiding it from people because I'm embarrassed. Like it's my fault. There is obviously something wrong with me. Maybe this is all psychosomatic. All in my head. Maybe I'm causing myself this pain. I've had three surgeries to correct this. I have been on the pill. I have taken drugs that put my body into menopause. I have done acupuncture. I am taking antidepressants. This surgery was pretty much my last shot at feeling better. I told everyone how I was going to be feeling so good after the surgery. I bragged about it even! I can't believe it didn't work. I can't believe I am destined to be in this pain. For the last year I have prayed for it to stop. I even made a "deal" with God. I told him it would be O.K. if we couldn't get pregnant, if only He would stop the pain. I prayed about this surgery. A lot. I thought I was supposed to do it. Now I wonder. Joe thinks I am getting ahead of myself. He thinks the pain is because I am still healing inside from the surgery. He says maybe I'm having pain because it is my first period after the surgery. I haven't even started my period yet. I'm four days late. I have been in bed all day, in and out of the bath tub. I even took a Percot that was left over from the surgery. It helped minimally. We both agreed I will go to the E.R. tomorrow if the pain doesn't subside. We will also be calling the doctor on call to see what they think. I'm not going to take this lying down. For so long I have just endured, and had doctors tell me there's nothing they can do. I'm not living my life like this.