Wednesday, January 30, 2008

This day has honestly been one of the hardest days of my life. But it's over, and I'm still standing. Barely. First off, thank you for all of the comments and e-mails. I cried reading every single one. I want to get back to each of you individually by e-mail, but I need a few days to get back on my feet. There are a few things I do want to touch on though:
Shelley- you are so right about the self loathing. I know it isn't healthy and it isn't helping the situation, but I'm so good at it! :) The doubts that were coming through last night came from a place of fear so deep I felt like it was swallowing me whole. I was so scared. So, so scared.
Oh my, #6-You are right too. Positive thinking is key. Unlike the self loathing, I am not very good at positive thinking. Especially when it seems like my life is falling apart. Must work on that.
Kim-I'm so glad you stopped by because I lost track of you when you went password protected and I've been wondering about you. And I'm sorry things are rough for you right now too.
Avery's Mama-When I said I was pretending like everything was O.K. I meant at work. At home I have done nothing but talk, shout, cry, scream, cry, and scream some more about the things he has done. Trust me, things are out in the open between my husband and I. Way out.
Everyone else-Thank you so much for being so supportive, even though I always have some kind of drama going on in my life and it must get pretty old after awhile. It gets old for me, so I know there must be people that come here and think "Now what?" I think that often.

10 comments:

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Wow. I guess things are bad. From a few things you have said I have a few guesses as to what may be going on. If any of my predictions are right then I have to say you may not be able to save him or the marriage until he saves himself. He may need more help than you alone can give.

I am so sorry things are so off track.

Two Kayaks said...

Michelle,
I am so sorry. Although you did not come right out and say it, I think I can gather what has been going on. No one can tell you what to do, but listen to your heart and to the people closest to you.
Wishing you some peace.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry life is so rough right now. You are a strong woman, a survivor and please don't forget that. I sent you an e-mail with my phone number (iPhone), if you need to talk.

Kylie's momma said...

Oh Michelle, nothing to say but know we're here for you if only for you too vent! I too think some time apart might be a good answer for now. Just take some serious ME time and reassess. I can only imagine how tired you must be of all this cr@p! I know marriage is tough but it is a partnership and if Dh is not towing his part of the line well then something needs to change and fast. Take care of yourself! You owe it to You and your sis and family! Huuuugs! S

Laura said...

My heart goes out to you, Michelle. Sounds like your husband has a lot of stuff he needs to work out. Don't blame yourself for it. He's the one making some really poor choices right now and unfortunately dragging you down with him. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers.

OH MY #6 said...

Life is so rough for you right now. Just take one day at a time.

I understand how upset you must be especially the thought of the adoption being in jeopardy. Too much to bear at one time.

Hugs to you.

Lea

LilyKate's Mom said...

Michelle:
My heart goes out to you as I have been in your shoes. All I can say is TAKE CARE OF YOU. You can't do anything to fix him, but the best thing right now is that you do what is best for you. I suggest making an appt with someone who will listen and not judge. Your family loves you, but they can't be impartial.

It is always best not to make decisions when emotions are running high, so take some time...breathe...be good to yourself. Things will get better.

best
Susan

Anonymous said...

I;ve never commented before but i wanted to send you all my support. You sound like you've been through the ringer and you are handling it all so bravely. I'm waiting on China too, and i know how that can make everything seem so scary and risky, like getting in the car or going to the doctor. It's cruel really. I hope things get sorted out at home. Best of luck to you. Your honesty is amazing.

Liz

Joannah said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this! I wish I knew what to say. Just take it one day at a time. Be true to yourself and PRAY.

((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I agree with Liz. Waiting in the China program can cause so much stress. it is a constant, pulsing down feeling that just won't go away until referral. We went on a few little vacations. Just a few days away, Puerto Rico for 4 days, a few professional conferences together. if not with your husband then with a friend, or just yourself. YOu still have a year or two to wait so hang in there and take care of yourself. See if your insurance company will pay for therapy, maybe you could use a third party to help.