I keep feeling like I need to come here and post something, but then I come here and find I have nothing to say. Writer's block? Or just a very boring life? Maybe a bit of both. Here's something that happened last week that I found interesting.
Remember how Joe and I were cleaning out Sophie's room so my sister and kids could stay in there?
Well I was putting knick knacks on the shelf I put up, and on it I placed two pictures frames that my awesome secret buddy got for me before I dropped out.
One of the picture frames is blank inside.
The other picture frame has a picture of a blond little girl in it(the one that came in the frame).
So I'm puttering around in the room and I see the picture frame with the little girl in it on the dresser with the picture facing down.
Hmmmmm.......that's strange. I didn't put that there. Maybe it fell. I placed it back up on the shelf and went about my business.
The next day I go in there to put some pillows and linens for my sister and I see the picture frame on the dresser again, facing down.
Now I know this picture did not fall down twice and land in the exact same spot.
Remembering the whole light situation, I call Joe into the room.
He comes and stands in the doorway
"Yes"? he asks.
"Did you take this picture frame down from the shelf and place it face down on the dresser"?
"Uhhhhhhhh......yes. I did".
"But why? Do you not like it?".
"No. It's not that. The frame is fine. It's the picture I don't like. Can we take it out and put a different one in"?
"Why? What's wrong with the picture that's in it?"
"It's a blond little girl".
"It's just that I always thought that we would have a blond little girl together and now that will never happen and it makes me kind of sad to look at it."
I honestly didn't know what to say.
For the last 7 years I have tried to come to terms with the fact that we will never have a biological child.
I have grieved that loss, and the fact that I will never experience pregnancy.
For those years, Joe has been my sounding board. My confidante, cheerleader and shoulder to cry on.
He has said from the very beginning that it doesn't matter to him where our child(ren) come from. It doesn't matter if they are biologically related to us, or that they won't look like us.
He is the one who made me finally realize this for myself.
Often over the last 7 years I wished I could be more like him.
I wished that I didn't grieve the loss of a biological child, but now I realize it was something I had to work through to get to where I am now.
You can still love the child you are going to have and at the same time grieve for the one that will never be.
The fact that I have felt sad that I will never have a biological child has nothing to do with the love I feel for Sophie. One is separate from the other. (I really don't care if you agree with that or not-it's how I feel).
I guess I was surprised to learn that he has been grieving too, in his own way. Maybe it just took him longer to figure out his feelings.
Today I came across some pictures of Joe when he was a baby. I felt a twinge of that sadness again. He was such a beautiful baby.
A red haired, chubby cheeked baby. For a long time when we were trying to get pregnant I couldn't see a red haired baby without crying.
Now I don't notice them anymore. I guess this whole thing is a process.
This evening we took out the picture of the blond little girl in the frame and in its place are the Chinese characters for "Sophie".
It makes us both smile when we look at it.
I think we're going to be okay.