Friday, September 30, 2005
This is going to come as a surprise to many who know me reading this, but as I sit here and type this, I am in San Francisco! That's right, I drove 7 hours today on my day off, and now I am sitting in the kitchen of my sister's house in Daly City! That's right people. I have a rare four day weekend and I know how to use it! It was a very last minute decision. It actually wasn't decided until 7:00 last night, when I placed a frantic call to the petsitter to see if she was available last minute. Joe had a class to teach this morning, so we packed up the car and one dog(the little one) and started out from Goldenwest College at 11:00 this morning. We arrived here at 6:45 p.m., just in time for us(me) to babysit for Lisa and Scott so they could have a much needed night out. Now some of you may be asking what prompted me to up and drive to San Francisco for 4 days. Well, I'll tell you it all started the other night when I was talking to my sister on the phone and the kids were screaming at the top of their lungs. Remember how it made me wish I had my own screaming kids? We know that isn't happening, so I decided the next best thing would be to drive to where the screaming kids were! I thought to myself, I MUST hear this screaming in person! It has been two months since I last heard it first hand, and I simply can't wait another day! Then Joe decided he must hear the screaming too, so he came with me. And you know what? They BOTH screamed obligingly for us as soon as we arrived! It was great! We are both looking forward to much more screaming tomorrow:) All jokes aside, I hardly ever get away for four days in a row, and I really was missing my niece and nephew, so here we are. I forgot my camera cord to download my pictures(darn!) so all pictures will be coming from Lisa'a site this weekend. Tomorrow we will be going to the pumpkin patch. It is proving to be a fun filled weekend! P.S. Sorry Dad, I can't come to lunch tomorrow. It is too long of a drive! I'll be seeing you next week. Michelle
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Hell week is officially over(for me anyway, there are people there right now that have to be there until 6:00. Sorry guys!) I am so relieved!. It was such a hectic week! My job can be stressful on a "normal" day(CAN be? Who am I kidding?). It is a thousand times more stressful when the entire school is turned upside down with carnival rides and game booths. The kids have to walk through the parking lot to get to our portable building. That means even at 7:00 in the morning they come in hyper!After passing by all of those rides every day for the last 4 days, they are so wound up! Add to that the fact that they can't play on half the playground OR the field and well..you can see how much of a nightmare it has been for me! But now it's over. Yay!
I had an interesting call from my doctor's office today.(Primary Care Physician) He is pissed because I am way overdue for my thyroid test. It is very very difficult for me to get to the lab to have a fasting blood test done because I have to be at work at 6:45 in the morning. I have to leave my house at 6:15 to make it to there on time. The labs don't open until 6:30. There isn't anybody to open for me, so I have would have to go to work, and then leave work to go get my blood drawn. The earliest I could leave is 9:00. I get up at 5:30 a.m. I simply cannot go from 5:30 a.m. until 9:00 a.m. without eating anything or at the very least having a cup of coffee! You DO NOT want to be around me for 3 and 1/2 hours without coffee! So anyway, my doctor's office calls me and is mad because I haven't had my blood drawn in a very long time. So they tell me they can't refill my thyroid medication until I get it done. The problem is, I ran out of it today, and the soonest I can get my blood drawn is next Tuesday. I have already made arrangements for it. They don't want me to get my blood drawn if I am off my medication(the test will show I am low), but they won't refill my medication until I get it done. Does this make any sense at all? So I am trying to explain to her that I NEED my medication refilled so I can go on Tuesday to get my blood drawn, but she won't do it! After arguing with her a few minutes I told her to figure out what the doctor wanted me to do and call me back. She hasn't called me as of yet, but I called the pharmacy and my medication has not been refilled. So I guess I will go off of my medication, then get my blood drawn on Tuesday, and the test will come back low. At which point the doctor will refill my medication, then make me go back in a month and be retested(in which case I will be in the same boat I am in right now!) Why can't anything ever be easy?
I had an interesting call from my doctor's office today.(Primary Care Physician) He is pissed because I am way overdue for my thyroid test. It is very very difficult for me to get to the lab to have a fasting blood test done because I have to be at work at 6:45 in the morning. I have to leave my house at 6:15 to make it to there on time. The labs don't open until 6:30. There isn't anybody to open for me, so I have would have to go to work, and then leave work to go get my blood drawn. The earliest I could leave is 9:00. I get up at 5:30 a.m. I simply cannot go from 5:30 a.m. until 9:00 a.m. without eating anything or at the very least having a cup of coffee! You DO NOT want to be around me for 3 and 1/2 hours without coffee! So anyway, my doctor's office calls me and is mad because I haven't had my blood drawn in a very long time. So they tell me they can't refill my thyroid medication until I get it done. The problem is, I ran out of it today, and the soonest I can get my blood drawn is next Tuesday. I have already made arrangements for it. They don't want me to get my blood drawn if I am off my medication(the test will show I am low), but they won't refill my medication until I get it done. Does this make any sense at all? So I am trying to explain to her that I NEED my medication refilled so I can go on Tuesday to get my blood drawn, but she won't do it! After arguing with her a few minutes I told her to figure out what the doctor wanted me to do and call me back. She hasn't called me as of yet, but I called the pharmacy and my medication has not been refilled. So I guess I will go off of my medication, then get my blood drawn on Tuesday, and the test will come back low. At which point the doctor will refill my medication, then make me go back in a month and be retested(in which case I will be in the same boat I am in right now!) Why can't anything ever be easy?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I don't have much to report today. Hell week is almost over. It is next to impossible to keep the kids entertained and out of trouble when the entire field is full of rides and game booths, and half the playground is covered by a circus(that's what it resembles) tent. Today was exhausting and I will be going to bed early tonight. I will be soooooo glad when tomorrow is over!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I just talked to my sister a little while ago. Actually, I tried to talk to her. She was in the car, and one(or both) kids were screaming bloody murder about something(she didn't know what, nor did she seem interested in finding out). So I am sitting here all alone in my quiet(silent is a more appropriate word) house beading bracelets and lanyards for the teachers at school. You would think as I was talking to my sister I would be saying to myself "Gee, I'm glad I don't have any screaming kids to deal with". You would think that, but actually I was thinking how lonely I felt with Joe gone teaching a class, and how much I wished my sister lived nearby, and even how I wish I had a couple(or even ONE) screaming kid to distract me from this silence. That's the thing about infertility. You can NEVER get away from it. It rears its ugly head at the most inappropriate times. And even though I know my sister and every other mom I know would give anything for some silence and time to just sit around and bead bracelets, they also wouldn't trade their kids for the world. So excuse me if it seems I'm being ungrateful or unappreciative. I'm just having a hard time comprehending that this it it. This is my life. Without children. Me, Joe, and the dogs. I know I have to learn to accept it. I simply don't know how. I have to go now. I need to turn on the television to get rid of that silence.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Not much happening today. I'm trying to keep my dark, depressive thoughts to myself. (And trust me, there are a lot of them). Pretty uneventful day today. Today is known as Hell week around my work. The church is getting ready for their annual Fall festival(rides, food, game booths, the whole shebang). So anyway, there are rides taking up half of our parking lot, and a HUGE tent covering half of our playground, as well as tractors and forklifts zipping around all over the place. My job is to keep the kids off the rides, away from the tent, and safe from the idiots volunteers driving the forklift and tractors. Such fun! (said in a voice dripping with sarcasm). There is NOTHING like setting up carnival rides on a school field for hyping children up! The good part is that I get a four day weekend. Woo Hoo! We are closed on Friday, and school is out on Monday. It isn't often that I get a four day weekend. I wonder what I will do? P.S. Did you notice all the liitle things I am learning to do on my blog? (The italics, the red word, the word with the line through it). I'm learning to do a lot of the things I see on other blogs that make me say "How'd they do that?" I figure if we can't have kids, maybe I can spend some of my spare time becoming a computer whiz. It could happen!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Since my therapist told me it was imperative that I get out of the house more often, I let Joe drag me to the beach last night.
We always end up at Laguna, since it is the closest and the drive down Laguna Canyon Road is so nice. I was feeling better. It was good to get out of the house. I still felt twinges of sadness when we walked by the playground and watching all of the kids playing in the sand and waves on the beach. I wonder if we will ever have the chance to take our kids there, or if it will always be just the two of us. This infertility thing is impossible for me to get away from. It follows me everywhere I go. To see the rest of the photos, go here.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
I have been a little behind on posting lately. Mostly because I have been feeling so down. My therapist is worried. She doesn't think the antidepressants are working. At least not enought to make me feel better. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel better. Obviously having a child will not make all of these problems simply disappear. I have to find a way to make peace with this. We cannot start the adoption process right now. I wanted to throw away the application but Joe insisted on saving it. He is hopeful that we will find some way to fund this adoption, if not right now, then in the next couple of years. I don't want to wait that long. I'm ready to throw in the towel. The emotional pain each month of nothing happening is slowly tearing me apart. I was very hopeful for about a month there. But since my Dad didn't look into any of the loans I applied for, we are back to square one. We can't get a loan on our own right now. We could possibly in a couple of years, but I can't go on like this. It would be better for me to decide to NOT have children than to contunue on this road we are on. I think maybe it would be better for me not to post anything than continue to post the dark thoughts that are inside of me for anyone to read. Maybe I should just start writing in a journal and forget this whole blog business.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I am finally feeling better today. Really feeling better. We played tennis today, and I made dinner and cleaned the house. I know this doesn't seem like much, but when you feel absolutely horrible for 12 days in a row, it's a huge accomplishment!
I can't take too many more cycles like the last one. I have to have the surgery. Soon. I simply can't take pain like that for such a long time I'm already counting down my "good" days and dreading that they will be over way too soon. I can't think like that. I have to just focus on how I'm feeling today, right now.
I can't take too many more cycles like the last one. I have to have the surgery. Soon. I simply can't take pain like that for such a long time I'm already counting down my "good" days and dreading that they will be over way too soon. I can't think like that. I have to just focus on how I'm feeling today, right now.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Started my period today. I mean REALLY started my period. You know, running to the bathroom, bleeding all over myself and the floor. (Sorry if this gets too graphic, but I bleed ALOT) This means two things. 1. I feel crummy(cramps, headache, bloated, exhausted, hunched over in pain) 2. I am not pregnant(again!) Not that I expected to be pregnant, but we DID try this month, just like we have done every other month for the last 3 years and 5 months. This is the 41st time we have tried to get pregnant and failed. 41 times! In a row! We have not missed even one try in the last 41 months. We are either very very persistent or unbelievably stupid! You would think that it would get easier the longer this goes on, but it doesn't. It actually gets worse. The longer we try and fail, the harder it is. And since our adoption plan is on hold until we can find some way to get a loan, I am right back to that dark place where I feel no hope. No hope of ever becoming a mother. I am going to need more antidepressants. It is hard enough for me to want something and not be able to have it, but it is even worse that Joe wants the same thing, perhaps even more, and I can't give it to him. I hate that my husband wants something so badly and I can't give it to him. I HATE IT. It makes me so angry and so sad that sometimes I have to get away from it for awhile or it starts to eat me alive. I can deal with my own dissapointment month after month. I'm used to that. But I can't handle dissapointing him. He is going to turn 37 years old in a month. We have been married for 12 and a half years. We talked about having kids when we were 18(me) and 20(him) years old. We waited too long. I regret a lot of things in my life, but I regret this one the most. If we had started earlier, this might not be happening. I am turning 35 years old in 4 months. I am seriously considering a hysterectomy to help rid me of the nightmare that is my monthly cycle.(Shhh....I haven't told Joe yet) We are both going to have to come to terms with the fact that we may not ever have children. The question is how?
Monday, September 19, 2005
First and foremost I must say happy birthday to my niece Grace. Happy Birthday Gracie! I hope you had a fun time at Chuck E. Cheese's. It is hard to believe you have only been with us for a little over a year now. I love you!
Now I must take a time out from my whining to say I have the BEST husband in the world! It has been exactly ten days(TEN DAYS!!!!) since I started feeling crummy. I have not had to cook ONE meal in the last ten days. My wonderful husband has cooked dinner every night, plus lunches and dinners on the weekends. He has cleaned the house three times(your house gets dirty easily when you live in such a small space as we do). He has done the dishes, picked up the dog poop, and watered my flowers so they don't die. He has put gas in my car, gone to the grocery store countless times to get things I wanted or needed, brought me flowers, and visited me at work three times to see how I was doing. And to top it all off, when I got home today ALL of my laundry was done! I could not ask for a better husband. And since I started my period today(three days early-Thank Goodness!), I will attempt to repay him for his kindness. I'm not sure I can truly repay him for all he does for me during these horrible times I have every month, but I just wanted to say thanks. Although I may not always say it, I do appreciate it. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go and have a piece of boysenberry pie (Yes, Joe even stopped on the way home from work and picked up vanilla ice cream for me--I'm telling you, the man is a saint!). Thanks to Uncle Svein and Tante Millie for dropping off the yummy pie! Sorry we missed you.
Now I must take a time out from my whining to say I have the BEST husband in the world! It has been exactly ten days(TEN DAYS!!!!) since I started feeling crummy. I have not had to cook ONE meal in the last ten days. My wonderful husband has cooked dinner every night, plus lunches and dinners on the weekends. He has cleaned the house three times(your house gets dirty easily when you live in such a small space as we do). He has done the dishes, picked up the dog poop, and watered my flowers so they don't die. He has put gas in my car, gone to the grocery store countless times to get things I wanted or needed, brought me flowers, and visited me at work three times to see how I was doing. And to top it all off, when I got home today ALL of my laundry was done! I could not ask for a better husband. And since I started my period today(three days early-Thank Goodness!), I will attempt to repay him for his kindness. I'm not sure I can truly repay him for all he does for me during these horrible times I have every month, but I just wanted to say thanks. Although I may not always say it, I do appreciate it. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go and have a piece of boysenberry pie (Yes, Joe even stopped on the way home from work and picked up vanilla ice cream for me--I'm telling you, the man is a saint!). Thanks to Uncle Svein and Tante Millie for dropping off the yummy pie! Sorry we missed you.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
I'm feeling about the same as I was yesterday. Not great. But not unbearable pain either. It must be the Vicoden. I don't know if it is the depression or the medication, but I have been sleeping ALOT. It is now quarter to three and I have just gotten up (for the second time). Took a shower and put on some clothes. That seemed to help a little. Joe thinks I should get out of the house sometime today, and I agree, but actually doing it is another story. Not looking forward to work tomorrow. I hope so much that I start early so I can have some relief. I really hope I have a better week than the weekend I have been having.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
A little relief...
I think I may have found the right "cocktail" of drugs to help with the pain. 1 Vicoden, 2 Tylenol, and 1 Xanax. Of course, this is in addition to all the other medication I am taking. I am definitely having less pain. The only problem is, I have been asleep for 4 out of the last 10 hours, so this won't work during the week when I have to work or on ANY day where I might have to drive somewhere. I'll just have to be happy that I am feeling better for now and worry about the other stuff later.
I think I may have found the right "cocktail" of drugs to help with the pain. 1 Vicoden, 2 Tylenol, and 1 Xanax. Of course, this is in addition to all the other medication I am taking. I am definitely having less pain. The only problem is, I have been asleep for 4 out of the last 10 hours, so this won't work during the week when I have to work or on ANY day where I might have to drive somewhere. I'll just have to be happy that I am feeling better for now and worry about the other stuff later.
I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going to write any more posts until I was feeling better and could write something positive, but then I figured forget it. At the rate I'm going there would never be another entry again! Needless to say, I am not feeling better. This cycle has been so painful we have had to get out the the big guns. Yes, in addition to all of the other drugs I am taking, I have had to get out my stash of Vicoden. The Tylenol and Aleve just aren't cutting it. I actually entertained the thought of a trip to the E.R. so I could have some decent painkillers, but I don't want to undergo all of the ultrasounds and tests they would want to do(why can't they just take my word for it that I know what's wrong and give me the drugs?)Also, I don't want to spend the ENTIRE day there. It looks like another weekend that I will be housebound. The pain is so bad this time that I can hardley stand upright. I have to kind of hunch over and hold onto my lower stomach if I want to stand up. It feels like my insides are going to fall out. What worries me is that I feel this bad and my period is still 4 days away! I pray that I start early. Is it me or does it seem like this is getting worse every month? It's hard for me to tell because the time periods when I feel O.K. are just a blur. All I remember is the pain. The times between the pain is getting shorter and shorter. This is the longest I have gone without some kind of intervention. Before the first surgery I was on birth control pills, which helpe a little. Then I had the first surgery. That helped for about a year. It was 2 years later that I had the second surgery. That helped for a short amount of time. It has been a little over two years since my second surgery. I have been having this kind of pain for two years. It seems like an eternity. I don't know how much longer I can go on. I'm starting to think this is a clear sign that we are not meant to have children. It seems apparent that I cannot become pregnant. We cannot afford the adoption right now. The waiting is slowly killing me. Waiting for the surgery, waiting through the pain, waiting to start my period, waiting for something(anything) to happen with the adoption process. Every month that goes by plunges me deeper into despair. Why can't I pull out of this? Why can't I begin to accept the fact that we may never have kids? Is it impossible to think that we could go on just the two of us? What is it about starting a family that is so magnetic? Why as humans are we so drawn to it? It is like a NEED inside of us to have children, a family. I can't explain it. It's just there. The wanting, the longing, the need for a child in our lives. The complete and utter despair when we find that it may not happen. Obviously I am in some sort of funk. I pray that it ends soon. It is bringing out a very dark side of me and I don't like it.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
I just came from dinner with my infertility group and I had so much fun! I was feeling sooo crummy that I actually wasn't sure if I was going to make it(especially after that doctor's appt, earlier today). But I had been looking forward to it for so long that I simply couldn't miss it. I'm so glad I didn't. It was so good to talk to people that totally understand where you are at with your "inability to become pregnant issues" I'm sorry things aren't going better for some of you guys! I really enjoyed toinight and am looking forward to the next one. Now I am going to take a ton of drugs(see earlier post) and go to sleep! Tomorrow is Friday. Yay!
Well, I saw the psychiatrist today, and it is official. I am crazy. You might think I'm kidding, but I'm not. He didn't use the word crazy, but he may as well have. A doctor doesn't prescribe as much medication as he gave me unless the person he is treating is CRAZY! What he actually said is that I am having a "Major Depressive disorder". This is the term he used to describe the crying jags, the anxiety attacks, the 6 weeks without a full night's sleep, the irritablity, and the exhaustion I have been feeling since before school started. Those of you that see me on a daily basis might be thinking to yourself "This can't be true!" I just talked to Michelle yesterday and she seemed fine! She was making jokes and laughing and seemed completely normal to me" That's because I am a very good actress. Only Joe gets to see those other sides of me(lucky him!)
I wait until I get home to burst into tears(sometimes this happens in the car on the way home). It isn't until 12:00 at night that the anxiety gets the best of me and I am up half the night because I simply CANNOT fall asleep. Only he knows that I sometimes sleep from 3:30-5:30 in the afternoon because I am so tired I can't stay awake. And only I know how many times I cry myself to sleep at night, because I don't tell ANYONE how often that happens. I don't talk about these things because for the most part, people don't want to hear it. When someone asks you how you are, you are supposed to say "Fine". They don't REALLY want to know how you are. No one wants to ask how you are and hear "Actually, I am pretty crappy. I have excruciating pain on a daily basis, I haven't slept in days, and oh, by the way I can't get pregnant either!" Joe is the only person I can really confide in. Sometimes I don't even tell him the worst of it, because I KNOW he must get tired of it once in awhile(even though he says he doesn't). So that's where I'm at. I am having a major depressive episode. Don't worry though. The doctor gave me enough drugs to make a small country feel better. I have pills to help me sleep, pills to keep me from being depressed, and pills to help with anxiety. This man dispenses pills like they were candy! Even the pharmicist was reluctant to fill ALL of my prescriptions! She warned me against taking all of them at once. Some of them are heavy duty tranquilizers. So if the next time you see me I look a little dazed, you will know why. I am heavily sedated! At this point, if it helps me to sleep and stops me from crying at inappropriate moments, I'll take it. Depression is a bichemical disorder. This is not my fault. I can't make it go away by myself. I need medication to do that. At least that's what I will keep telling myself.
Because that's about all I can deal with right now. Ask me in a month how I feel(That's when the drugs should really be helping) I pray that I will be feeling better than I am right now.
I wait until I get home to burst into tears(sometimes this happens in the car on the way home). It isn't until 12:00 at night that the anxiety gets the best of me and I am up half the night because I simply CANNOT fall asleep. Only he knows that I sometimes sleep from 3:30-5:30 in the afternoon because I am so tired I can't stay awake. And only I know how many times I cry myself to sleep at night, because I don't tell ANYONE how often that happens. I don't talk about these things because for the most part, people don't want to hear it. When someone asks you how you are, you are supposed to say "Fine". They don't REALLY want to know how you are. No one wants to ask how you are and hear "Actually, I am pretty crappy. I have excruciating pain on a daily basis, I haven't slept in days, and oh, by the way I can't get pregnant either!" Joe is the only person I can really confide in. Sometimes I don't even tell him the worst of it, because I KNOW he must get tired of it once in awhile(even though he says he doesn't). So that's where I'm at. I am having a major depressive episode. Don't worry though. The doctor gave me enough drugs to make a small country feel better. I have pills to help me sleep, pills to keep me from being depressed, and pills to help with anxiety. This man dispenses pills like they were candy! Even the pharmicist was reluctant to fill ALL of my prescriptions! She warned me against taking all of them at once. Some of them are heavy duty tranquilizers. So if the next time you see me I look a little dazed, you will know why. I am heavily sedated! At this point, if it helps me to sleep and stops me from crying at inappropriate moments, I'll take it. Depression is a bichemical disorder. This is not my fault. I can't make it go away by myself. I need medication to do that. At least that's what I will keep telling myself.
Because that's about all I can deal with right now. Ask me in a month how I feel(That's when the drugs should really be helping) I pray that I will be feeling better than I am right now.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Not a good couple of days......
I knew it wasn't going to be a good day yesterday when my morning started at 2:30 a.m. with searing pain in my lower abdomen. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went to work exhausted. I felt as though I was underwater most of the day. Came home and got right into the bathtub. At 4:00 in the afternoon! I was in my pajamas by 5:00. Joe teaches on Tuesday nights, so I was all alone and miserable. I had Cheese Puffs and a Diet Coke for dinner. Yes, I am aware of the lack of nutritional value of that "meal". I couldn't move off of the couch and simply didn't have the energy to make anything else. Joe arrived home at 7:30 and made pasta, but by that time I was so exhausted I couldn't eat anything. It is times like this that I get SO angry at my doctor's office for denying me the surgery I need. How can they say it is OPTIONAL? As far as I am concered it is my ONLY option. My only chance at having a normal life. One that doesn't revolve around waking in the middle of the night with excruciating pain, baths at 4:00 in the afternoon, and heating pads on my stomach. What is the purpose of this pain? Am I supposed to be gaining something from it? Learning a lesson? WHAT? They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well you know what? I am strong enough! Isn't it enough that I can't get pregnant? Isn't THAT pain enough? Noooooo....
I must endure physical pain as well. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow and I am telling him to double( No, triple!) my anti depressant. Because the way I feel right now, I am not going to make it. I am just too tired. Physically and emotionally tired.
Thank God I am meeting with my infertility group tomorrow, because I am having issues and I really need to unload on someone who will understand. That and I need a stiff drink!
I knew it wasn't going to be a good day yesterday when my morning started at 2:30 a.m. with searing pain in my lower abdomen. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went to work exhausted. I felt as though I was underwater most of the day. Came home and got right into the bathtub. At 4:00 in the afternoon! I was in my pajamas by 5:00. Joe teaches on Tuesday nights, so I was all alone and miserable. I had Cheese Puffs and a Diet Coke for dinner. Yes, I am aware of the lack of nutritional value of that "meal". I couldn't move off of the couch and simply didn't have the energy to make anything else. Joe arrived home at 7:30 and made pasta, but by that time I was so exhausted I couldn't eat anything. It is times like this that I get SO angry at my doctor's office for denying me the surgery I need. How can they say it is OPTIONAL? As far as I am concered it is my ONLY option. My only chance at having a normal life. One that doesn't revolve around waking in the middle of the night with excruciating pain, baths at 4:00 in the afternoon, and heating pads on my stomach. What is the purpose of this pain? Am I supposed to be gaining something from it? Learning a lesson? WHAT? They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well you know what? I am strong enough! Isn't it enough that I can't get pregnant? Isn't THAT pain enough? Noooooo....
I must endure physical pain as well. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow and I am telling him to double( No, triple!) my anti depressant. Because the way I feel right now, I am not going to make it. I am just too tired. Physically and emotionally tired.
Thank God I am meeting with my infertility group tomorrow, because I am having issues and I really need to unload on someone who will understand. That and I need a stiff drink!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
I have been doing a lot of beading this weekend. I am making bracelets for Lisa to sell at her mother's club boutique, and also I.D. badge holders for the teachers at work. (I am the one who makes all of their badges on my computer). Although it is very tedious, it is also relaxing. Some of the bracelets are turning out cute. I hope they sell well. I am also making T-shirts with rhinestones glued on them. Those are also very cute, but I think I will make more money on the bracelets, as the cost to make them is less than the shirts. I was up until 1:30 in the morning making bracelets! I think it might be a little addictive!
Here are the bracelets:
And the T-shirt: Oh, and I forgot. Today is 9/11. How quickly we forget these tragedies! It will probably be that way for Hurricane Katrina in a few years too. My thoughts and prayers are with victims from both these tragedies.
Here are the bracelets:
And the T-shirt: Oh, and I forgot. Today is 9/11. How quickly we forget these tragedies! It will probably be that way for Hurricane Katrina in a few years too. My thoughts and prayers are with victims from both these tragedies.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
We received the adoption packet yesterday! Finally! When we first got it, we were sooo happy and excited. Now we officially begin the process of adopting our daughter. The excitement was short lived though, when we opened it and saw all that has to be done. OH. MY. GOSH. It is going to take us a year just to get the documents together to turn in the adoption packet! Let alone start on our dossier! To say the least, I was a BIT overwhelmed. It was a good thing I had therapy yesterday! I'm not sure Joe would have had the energy to listen to me go on for an hour about how completely freaked out I am about this. I am somewhat calmer today. (Really, I am!) My job in the next 4-5 months is going to be to try and take things one at a time. I am terrible at that! I am a classic multi-tasker! You should see me at work! I can tie a shoe, change games on the computer, talk on the phone, AND give a child a threatening look while gesturing with my hand for them to stop jumping on the couch, all at the same time! I am so ready to be a mom! It is going to be very hard for me to just worry about one thing at a time.(There are sooo many other things to worry about!) Again my mantra for this week is going to be BREATHE.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
I haven't written much lately, mostly because there isn't a lot to say. Had a very uneventful three day weekend. I was sick for part of it, so we didn't go anywhere. We're used to staying home, so it didn't bother me too much, although I would have preferred not to be sick! I am still waiting for the adoption packet in the mail. I don't know what the hold up is. I spoke with them on the phone on Tuesday and they said it was already in the mail. It looks as though the home study is the very first thing that needs to be done, so we have to get the loan before we can get started. We will need that $2100 up front before they will come out for the first of three visits. I am not good at waiting! I really want to get this process started! I have already ordered some of the documents we will b needing, like Joe's birth certificates(2) and another marriage certificate. We will be needing two of each document. One for China and one for here. We also have to get a physical and blood tests right off the bat, which are not covered by our insurance. As well as livescan fingerprinting twice each! That part is so dumb because I JUST had my fingerprints live scanned two weeks ago for work but those won't do. They must be done again! It is a very slow, tedious process. I have to just take it day by day and remember to BREATHE. Maybe, just maybe this time next year we will have a daughter! It will all have been worth it, 5 times over.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
These knock knock jokes are on one of the other blogs that I follow, so I can't take credit for them, but some of them are soooo funny if you have just been through 3 and 1/2 years of infertility treatments(which I have) and you are still quite bitter about your inability to become pregnant (which I am). Oh, by the way, these are posted on The Naked Ovary(link to the left)
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Pregnant
Pregnant who?
Everyone but you.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Urine ass.
Urine ass who?
Did you think you were pregnant? Urine ass.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Your husband. And I don’t know why I have to knock. Where’s the other key?
My husband who?
See? Exactly! I knew it! All I am to you is a cup of sperm.
HA HA HA!
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Pregnant
Pregnant who?
Everyone but you.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Urine ass.
Urine ass who?
Did you think you were pregnant? Urine ass.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Your husband. And I don’t know why I have to knock. Where’s the other key?
My husband who?
See? Exactly! I knew it! All I am to you is a cup of sperm.
HA HA HA!
Saturday, September 03, 2005
My cat is weird! She constantly walks around the house with her tongue sticking out! She does it ALL the time. The really weird thing is that even when I touch it, she doesn't put it back into her mouth! It's like she has no feeling in it or something. I don't get it.
My dog is weird too! My husband was very disappointed tonight when I told him I didn't feel like playing tennis. So he asked the dog if she wanted to play with him, and she took his racket and started walking around the house with it! (Maybe he should play with her because I STINK at tennis. Still!)
Do they give children to people that have such strange pets? Don't even get me started on my other dog, because she has issues! Not to mention the fact that we have two snakes and a turtle also! They might just decide we have too many pets to be adopting a child!
Friday, September 02, 2005
Another funny story..
As you know, the last few days have been stressful, dealing with new parents who don't want to leave their "babies" at child care. Yesterday I had an "incident" with one of them regarding her child's lunch. First she asked me if I could refrigerate her child's lunch for her, to which I had to keep myself from laughing out loud! We have 40 kids at lunch. They don't make a fridge big enough for that many lunches! After explaining to her our no refrigeration rule, she says "Then can you just put his yogurt in there?" To which I replied "No. I'm sorry. We don't refrigerate lunches." To which she replied "But it's just yogurt. It is very small." And she held up her hands to give me a measurement of how small it was. I was becoming annoyed at this point(what part of no don't you get?) so I replied "Yes, I 've seen yogurt before. And no, I'm sorry I can't put it into the fridge." She then gets the yogurt out of the lunch pail and shows it to me! Does she think that I don't understand what she is saying or that I have never seen a container of yogurt before so I can't possibly understand how small it is? I politely explained to her that we cannot refrigerate any part of her child's lunch and she might want to purchase an ice pack for future use. Then I walked away from her. If anyone reading this has children that go to day care, please, please appreciate your day care provider! You have no idea how much cr** they have to put up with!
As you know, the last few days have been stressful, dealing with new parents who don't want to leave their "babies" at child care. Yesterday I had an "incident" with one of them regarding her child's lunch. First she asked me if I could refrigerate her child's lunch for her, to which I had to keep myself from laughing out loud! We have 40 kids at lunch. They don't make a fridge big enough for that many lunches! After explaining to her our no refrigeration rule, she says "Then can you just put his yogurt in there?" To which I replied "No. I'm sorry. We don't refrigerate lunches." To which she replied "But it's just yogurt. It is very small." And she held up her hands to give me a measurement of how small it was. I was becoming annoyed at this point(what part of no don't you get?) so I replied "Yes, I 've seen yogurt before. And no, I'm sorry I can't put it into the fridge." She then gets the yogurt out of the lunch pail and shows it to me! Does she think that I don't understand what she is saying or that I have never seen a container of yogurt before so I can't possibly understand how small it is? I politely explained to her that we cannot refrigerate any part of her child's lunch and she might want to purchase an ice pack for future use. Then I walked away from her. If anyone reading this has children that go to day care, please, please appreciate your day care provider! You have no idea how much cr** they have to put up with!
Prayer boxes and Poker.......
It's official. The first week of school is now done (I know, I know, 3 days is not a week! But you get the picture). Yesterday was the first full day of school and we started our regular activities like story time and Art. For art we made these very nice prayer boxes. They are small paper mache boxes that the kids decorated with angel cut outs and pearls and there is a scripture on the inside. When finished, you write your prayer requests on a slip of paper and tuck it into the box so that before you go to bed, you will remember all the things(people) you wanted to pray for! Well anyway, the parents loved them and thought they were so sweet. So today a Kindergartner comes in with his Mom and he says to her "Mom, come here so I can show you something I did yesterday that was so fun!" I was very proud thinking he is going to show her his prayer box or our cool new playground or something like that. Well he takes her by the hand and leads her over to the computers and says "Look at this game I played on the computer yesterday. I really like it. Can you buy it for me for my birthday?" And his Mom says "I don't know, what is it called?" And the little boy replies "Poker!" At this point I am all ears, because to my knowledge we do NOT have Poker on our computer! So I walk over and ask him to show me the game he played. Sure enough, he opens up the card game on the computer and Poker comes right up on the screen! By this time I am mortifed! I had no idea that the game had Poker in it, let alone that the Kindergartners were playing it! How do they know how to play poker anyway? Needless to say I was very apologetic. Luckily his mother thought it was very funny and told me that they have played poker at home as a family so he already knew how to play. Thank goodness! It could have easily gone the other way, had it been a different parent! This is why people pay big bucks to send their children to a private Catholic school. So they can make prayer boxes and play Poker!!
It's official. The first week of school is now done (I know, I know, 3 days is not a week! But you get the picture). Yesterday was the first full day of school and we started our regular activities like story time and Art. For art we made these very nice prayer boxes. They are small paper mache boxes that the kids decorated with angel cut outs and pearls and there is a scripture on the inside. When finished, you write your prayer requests on a slip of paper and tuck it into the box so that before you go to bed, you will remember all the things(people) you wanted to pray for! Well anyway, the parents loved them and thought they were so sweet. So today a Kindergartner comes in with his Mom and he says to her "Mom, come here so I can show you something I did yesterday that was so fun!" I was very proud thinking he is going to show her his prayer box or our cool new playground or something like that. Well he takes her by the hand and leads her over to the computers and says "Look at this game I played on the computer yesterday. I really like it. Can you buy it for me for my birthday?" And his Mom says "I don't know, what is it called?" And the little boy replies "Poker!" At this point I am all ears, because to my knowledge we do NOT have Poker on our computer! So I walk over and ask him to show me the game he played. Sure enough, he opens up the card game on the computer and Poker comes right up on the screen! By this time I am mortifed! I had no idea that the game had Poker in it, let alone that the Kindergartners were playing it! How do they know how to play poker anyway? Needless to say I was very apologetic. Luckily his mother thought it was very funny and told me that they have played poker at home as a family so he already knew how to play. Thank goodness! It could have easily gone the other way, had it been a different parent! This is why people pay big bucks to send their children to a private Catholic school. So they can make prayer boxes and play Poker!!
Thursday, September 01, 2005
I have been messing around with my blog(with Joe's help) and I have figured out how to put links to other sites on it. The first one is a heartwrenching, beautiful video that I stumbled across while browsing some of the other blogs that I follow. It seriously makes me want to go out and adopt a whole slew of Chinese babies! Oh well, I guess I will have to do it one baby at a time. Why can't I be wealthy? The other link is to Lisa's blog(In case you have the time to just go back and forth between our two blogs all day and read about our boring lives) Not much happening around here aside from that. Anxiously awaiting
the adoption packet we requested from the agency so we can start on all the paper work. We played tennis for two days in a row and now I can hardley move. I am so out of shape!
the adoption packet we requested from the agency so we can start on all the paper work. We played tennis for two days in a row and now I can hardley move. I am so out of shape!
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