I have been a little behind on posting lately. Mostly because I have been feeling so down. My therapist is worried. She doesn't think the antidepressants are working. At least not enought to make me feel better. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel better. Obviously having a child will not make all of these problems simply disappear. I have to find a way to make peace with this. We cannot start the adoption process right now. I wanted to throw away the application but Joe insisted on saving it. He is hopeful that we will find some way to fund this adoption, if not right now, then in the next couple of years. I don't want to wait that long. I'm ready to throw in the towel. The emotional pain each month of nothing happening is slowly tearing me apart. I was very hopeful for about a month there. But since my Dad didn't look into any of the loans I applied for, we are back to square one. We can't get a loan on our own right now. We could possibly in a couple of years, but I can't go on like this. It would be better for me to decide to NOT have children than to contunue on this road we are on. I think maybe it would be better for me not to post anything than continue to post the dark thoughts that are inside of me for anyone to read. Maybe I should just start writing in a journal and forget this whole blog business.