Saturday, September 17, 2005

I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going to write any more posts until I was feeling better and could write something positive, but then I figured forget it. At the rate I'm going there would never be another entry again! Needless to say, I am not feeling better. This cycle has been so painful we have had to get out the the big guns. Yes, in addition to all of the other drugs I am taking, I have had to get out my stash of Vicoden. The Tylenol and Aleve just aren't cutting it. I actually entertained the thought of a trip to the E.R. so I could have some decent painkillers, but I don't want to undergo all of the ultrasounds and tests they would want to do(why can't they just take my word for it that I know what's wrong and give me the drugs?)Also, I don't want to spend the ENTIRE day there. It looks like another weekend that I will be housebound. The pain is so bad this time that I can hardley stand upright. I have to kind of hunch over and hold onto my lower stomach if I want to stand up. It feels like my insides are going to fall out. What worries me is that I feel this bad and my period is still 4 days away! I pray that I start early. Is it me or does it seem like this is getting worse every month? It's hard for me to tell because the time periods when I feel O.K. are just a blur. All I remember is the pain. The times between the pain is getting shorter and shorter. This is the longest I have gone without some kind of intervention. Before the first surgery I was on birth control pills, which helpe a little. Then I had the first surgery. That helped for about a year. It was 2 years later that I had the second surgery. That helped for a short amount of time. It has been a little over two years since my second surgery. I have been having this kind of pain for two years. It seems like an eternity. I don't know how much longer I can go on. I'm starting to think this is a clear sign that we are not meant to have children. It seems apparent that I cannot become pregnant. We cannot afford the adoption right now. The waiting is slowly killing me. Waiting for the surgery, waiting through the pain, waiting to start my period, waiting for something(anything) to happen with the adoption process. Every month that goes by plunges me deeper into despair. Why can't I pull out of this? Why can't I begin to accept the fact that we may never have kids? Is it impossible to think that we could go on just the two of us? What is it about starting a family that is so magnetic? Why as humans are we so drawn to it? It is like a NEED inside of us to have children, a family. I can't explain it. It's just there. The wanting, the longing, the need for a child in our lives. The complete and utter despair when we find that it may not happen. Obviously I am in some sort of funk. I pray that it ends soon. It is bringing out a very dark side of me and I don't like it.

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