Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I just talked to my sister a little while ago. Actually, I tried to talk to her. She was in the car, and one(or both) kids were screaming bloody murder about something(she didn't know what, nor did she seem interested in finding out). So I am sitting here all alone in my quiet(silent is a more appropriate word) house beading bracelets and lanyards for the teachers at school. You would think as I was talking to my sister I would be saying to myself "Gee, I'm glad I don't have any screaming kids to deal with". You would think that, but actually I was thinking how lonely I felt with Joe gone teaching a class, and how much I wished my sister lived nearby, and even how I wish I had a couple(or even ONE) screaming kid to distract me from this silence. That's the thing about infertility. You can NEVER get away from it. It rears its ugly head at the most inappropriate times. And even though I know my sister and every other mom I know would give anything for some silence and time to just sit around and bead bracelets, they also wouldn't trade their kids for the world. So excuse me if it seems I'm being ungrateful or unappreciative. I'm just having a hard time comprehending that this it it. This is my life. Without children. Me, Joe, and the dogs. I know I have to learn to accept it. I simply don't know how. I have to go now. I need to turn on the television to get rid of that silence.