Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Not a good couple of days......

I knew it wasn't going to be a good day yesterday when my morning started at 2:30 a.m. with searing pain in my lower abdomen. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went to work exhausted. I felt as though I was underwater most of the day. Came home and got right into the bathtub. At 4:00 in the afternoon! I was in my pajamas by 5:00. Joe teaches on Tuesday nights, so I was all alone and miserable. I had Cheese Puffs and a Diet Coke for dinner. Yes, I am aware of the lack of nutritional value of that "meal". I couldn't move off of the couch and simply didn't have the energy to make anything else. Joe arrived home at 7:30 and made pasta, but by that time I was so exhausted I couldn't eat anything. It is times like this that I get SO angry at my doctor's office for denying me the surgery I need. How can they say it is OPTIONAL? As far as I am concered it is my ONLY option. My only chance at having a normal life. One that doesn't revolve around waking in the middle of the night with excruciating pain, baths at 4:00 in the afternoon, and heating pads on my stomach. What is the purpose of this pain? Am I supposed to be gaining something from it? Learning a lesson? WHAT? They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well you know what? I am strong enough! Isn't it enough that I can't get pregnant? Isn't THAT pain enough? Noooooo....
I must endure physical pain as well. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow and I am telling him to double( No, triple!) my anti depressant. Because the way I feel right now, I am not going to make it. I am just too tired. Physically and emotionally tired.
Thank God I am meeting with my infertility group tomorrow, because I am having issues and I really need to unload on someone who will understand. That and I need a stiff drink!

1 comment:

Ashley's World of Justification said...

I just wanted to say I pray for you. I have PCOS which may or may not cause me problems when my husband and I decide to concieve. So I won't pretend to know what you have experienced, but I am learning the frustration of it. Doctor after doctor, lots of medicines. But I don't do pain well, ESPECIALLY anything that cramps. So YOU are very TOUGH! Hang in there I know that the Lord will reward you. :)