Thursday, September 15, 2005

Well, I saw the psychiatrist today, and it is official. I am crazy. You might think I'm kidding, but I'm not. He didn't use the word crazy, but he may as well have. A doctor doesn't prescribe as much medication as he gave me unless the person he is treating is CRAZY! What he actually said is that I am having a "Major Depressive disorder". This is the term he used to describe the crying jags, the anxiety attacks, the 6 weeks without a full night's sleep, the irritablity, and the exhaustion I have been feeling since before school started. Those of you that see me on a daily basis might be thinking to yourself "This can't be true!" I just talked to Michelle yesterday and she seemed fine! She was making jokes and laughing and seemed completely normal to me" That's because I am a very good actress. Only Joe gets to see those other sides of me(lucky him!)
I wait until I get home to burst into tears(sometimes this happens in the car on the way home). It isn't until 12:00 at night that the anxiety gets the best of me and I am up half the night because I simply CANNOT fall asleep. Only he knows that I sometimes sleep from 3:30-5:30 in the afternoon because I am so tired I can't stay awake. And only I know how many times I cry myself to sleep at night, because I don't tell ANYONE how often that happens. I don't talk about these things because for the most part, people don't want to hear it. When someone asks you how you are, you are supposed to say "Fine". They don't REALLY want to know how you are. No one wants to ask how you are and hear "Actually, I am pretty crappy. I have excruciating pain on a daily basis, I haven't slept in days, and oh, by the way I can't get pregnant either!" Joe is the only person I can really confide in. Sometimes I don't even tell him the worst of it, because I KNOW he must get tired of it once in awhile(even though he says he doesn't). So that's where I'm at. I am having a major depressive episode. Don't worry though. The doctor gave me enough drugs to make a small country feel better. I have pills to help me sleep, pills to keep me from being depressed, and pills to help with anxiety. This man dispenses pills like they were candy! Even the pharmicist was reluctant to fill ALL of my prescriptions! She warned me against taking all of them at once. Some of them are heavy duty tranquilizers. So if the next time you see me I look a little dazed, you will know why. I am heavily sedated! At this point, if it helps me to sleep and stops me from crying at inappropriate moments, I'll take it. Depression is a bichemical disorder. This is not my fault. I can't make it go away by myself. I need medication to do that. At least that's what I will keep telling myself.
Because that's about all I can deal with right now. Ask me in a month how I feel(That's when the drugs should really be helping) I pray that I will be feeling better than I am right now.

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