Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Started my period today. I mean REALLY started my period. You know, running to the bathroom, bleeding all over myself and the floor. (Sorry if this gets too graphic, but I bleed ALOT) This means two things. 1. I feel crummy(cramps, headache, bloated, exhausted, hunched over in pain) 2. I am not pregnant(again!) Not that I expected to be pregnant, but we DID try this month, just like we have done every other month for the last 3 years and 5 months. This is the 41st time we have tried to get pregnant and failed. 41 times! In a row! We have not missed even one try in the last 41 months. We are either very very persistent or unbelievably stupid! You would think that it would get easier the longer this goes on, but it doesn't. It actually gets worse. The longer we try and fail, the harder it is. And since our adoption plan is on hold until we can find some way to get a loan, I am right back to that dark place where I feel no hope. No hope of ever becoming a mother. I am going to need more antidepressants. It is hard enough for me to want something and not be able to have it, but it is even worse that Joe wants the same thing, perhaps even more, and I can't give it to him. I hate that my husband wants something so badly and I can't give it to him. I HATE IT. It makes me so angry and so sad that sometimes I have to get away from it for awhile or it starts to eat me alive. I can deal with my own dissapointment month after month. I'm used to that. But I can't handle dissapointing him. He is going to turn 37 years old in a month. We have been married for 12 and a half years. We talked about having kids when we were 18(me) and 20(him) years old. We waited too long. I regret a lot of things in my life, but I regret this one the most. If we had started earlier, this might not be happening. I am turning 35 years old in 4 months. I am seriously considering a hysterectomy to help rid me of the nightmare that is my monthly cycle.(Shhh....I haven't told Joe yet) We are both going to have to come to terms with the fact that we may not ever have children. The question is how?

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