Monday, May 22, 2006
Is it ever O.K.?
I've been struggling a lot lately with the "infertility" issues. It happens like that some times. I'll go for weeks at a time not even thinking about our inability to get pregnant. We haven't been trying for a few months, and pretty much all of our energy has been going towards thinking about the adoption. That's the way I like it. Then, other times(like now), I obsess over it. I can't get it out of my head. I feel sad about it. I feel anger. I was wondering to myself why I go through these cyles, and it seems to be directly related to the number of pregnant women that are in my life at the time. Right now there are a lot. At least four. Two of whom only recently announced it. It happens in waves. I work at a Catholic school, so there are always pregnant women. You get used to it. Lately though, it seems like every time I find out about a couple and deal with it, there are four or five more that pop up. I wish it didn't bother me. I try not to let it. But there are days, like today, when I end up crying all the way home from work. Why all of these other women and not me? Why do some people get to be pregnant three, even four times, and I don't even once? I can't get past the unfairness of it. This is a totally separate issue from the adoption. Notice I didn't say "they get to have three or four children." No, I said they get to be pregnant. Something I wanted more than anything. I still want it. People ask me all the time "What will you do if you get pregnant during the adoption process?" My answer is and always will be "Then we'll have two beautiful children." Sophie is in our hearts. She is our child. She will always be our child, no matter what. Nothing can change that. And yet I still have this yearning to be pregnant. At times it consumes me. I try so hard not to let it. I want to let it go. But I can't seem to do it. My therapist says it is a process, and there is no way of telling how long it will take. But I want to know! How much longer? I want to skip to the end, to the part where it is okay. The part where I don't have to go into the bathroom and cry just because someone announces they are pregnant. I want to get to the part where I don't hate pregnant women. To the part where I don't cry myself to sleep at night wishing for something that will probably never be. But I don't know how. Then I read posts like this and I find myself shaking my head and saying Yes! Yes! I feel the same way! I'm so glad I'm not alone! But then it makes me sad that there are so many other women out there feeling the same way, yearning for something, that for some, will never come. I guess what I'm asking is, does it ever go away, this yearning, this pain? Is it ever Okay? Will having Sophie here make that pain disappear? What if it doesn't? Why can't I let go of this?