I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain is Gone

Literally. I think that last post came about because we had been cooped up inside for too long due to the rain. Things got much better after that. We took the kids bowling, then Joe and I got to get out of the house for a few hours. Thank Goodness for babysitters! Yesterday we spent the entire day outside. We visited the Japanese Tea Gardens, then spent the rest of the day in Golden Gate Park. They close off the streets so people can roller skate and ride bikes. It's pretty cool! Anyway, I think the other morning just started out badly. Some mornings are like that I guess. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am under no illusion that parenting is going to be easy. In fact, I know it will be a lot harder than this is. It does worry me sometimes. But I think Rebel is right. When it's your own child you figure out a new "normal". And Mary Mia, I know exactly what you mean about cleaning up after two year olds. I taught a two year old class for a year and they are like whirling dervishes! I had two parent helpers and I still couldn't contain the mess. I can't imagine the mess one two year old will make in our small apartment, let alone two. Parenting is going to be a huge adjustment for us. Huge. But we'll figure it out as we go I suppose. Oh, and can I just say, I have had my husband here with me the entire time and I was still feeling overwhelmed? I don't know how you people that stay at home full time with your kids do it. You guys(girls) rock. And don't even get me started on you single moms. I am in awe of you. I'm not worthy. I just don't think I could do it.
Today the kids were supposed to go to this day camp at the kid's gym, but when I looked online it said you had to sign up in advance. I was a little bummed, but I called them to see if it was possible to bring them in. They said Yes, they did have some spots available, but I needed to be there at 10:00 or shortly thereafter. It was nine forty five. You have never seen anyone get ready as fast as we did this morning! I was like a drill Sargent. Put your clothes on! Quick! Where are your shoes? You need socks! Go get them! Hurry, Hurry, Hurry! Let's go! I pulled my hair into a scraggly pony tail and we hightailed it out of here. I didn't even have makeup on(gasp!). We made it there by twenty after ten and paid an exorbitant amount of money so we could have four peaceful hours to ourselves before we leave in the morning. We had a leisurely breakfast and I'm doing some last minute picking up before we have to turn around and go get them. Four hours sure does fly by!


Lastly, today is kind of a special day for Joe and myself. You see, nineteen years ago today I attended a New Year's Eve party where I met my wonderful husband. I came very close to not going to that party. It was at some one's house that I didn't know very well, and it was going to be all "grown ups" there(I was 17). Alas, I did go, and here we are, nineteen years later. Who would have thought? I love you Joe. You're still the one.

Feeling Overwhelmed

The first two days of watching the kids went very smoothly. Well I guess that was the honeymoon period, because it is only 9:30 and I am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. The day started with arguing(Cameron). And then yelling(Me). And being sent to his room(Cameron). And then some tears(both of us). It is raining and I don't know what we're going to do today. Joe got to sleep until 9:00. I made a huge breakfast, but I was so busy cooking and serving everybody else that by the time it was my turn to eat there were no more hash browns and my food was cold. I really wanted those hash browns. I'm trying to take care of two adults(my Dad is with us) and two children and two dogs and a cat. Our dog keeps nipping at the kids and chasing their cat. Their dog hates our dog and spends the majority of the day growling at her. I'm trying to keep our dog away from their cat and their dog, while keeping her away from the kids. I have cleaned the whole upstairs at least three times, but no matter how many times I do the dishes or vacuum, there are always dishes in the sink and things that need vacuuming. I'm tired. Did I mention this is my vacation? The only one I get. Don't get me wrong. I offered to do this. I'm not blaming anyone. I want to spend quality time with my niece and nephew. I don't get to see them as much as I would like. But I'm thinking maybe next year Joe and I plan a little trip of our own. Even if it is a weekend trip. Sometimes I wonder if I can do this. The lack of sleep. The constant mess. Everybody wanting something from me. All the time. It's different when it's your own kid, right?

P.S. I'm so tired of hearing things like "Welcome to my World". Or "You're so lucky you don't have kids. See how hard it is?" Or "Are you sure you want to have children of your own? You're pretty stressed out." These aren't my children. This isn't my house. Or my animals. Or my car. Why don't you try babysitting someone else's kids for five days and then see how you feel? It isn't the same as raising your own familyy.

The babysitter is coming tonight and Joe and I are going to the movies. I know everything will be fine. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed today. This too shall pass.

14 Months!

Hey, that one slipped right by me! We made it to S.F. yesterday and of course it has been go, go, go ever since. I'm tired already and we don't go home until Tuesday! Today we drove to Sacramento to visit with our Aunt and Uncle and cousins. So fun! It isn't often that we are all able to get together at the same time. Lisa and Scott left for Mexico from there. You know what's funny? Joe and I drove all the way up here to watch the kids for them, and right now they are staying at our house for the night since we live down South. So we're at their house(with their kids) and they're at our house. Not sure who worked out the logistics on that one. Joe and I have decided that next year we're not watching any kids and we'll go on a trip. Yeah right. Promises, promises :) Must go to bed now. Am exhausted and no matter what I say, those kids will not sleep past 7:00 a.m.
Must work on that :) And hey, 14 months. Woo hoo!

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas. It's kind of low key around here this year. We're headed off now to the in-laws for presents and dinner. Joe got me some sheepskin boots and a bracelet from Brighton, plus lots of fun stuff in my stocking. I got my big present a montha ago when he got me the IPhone. I'm feeling slightly better today, though still very dizzy. Weird. Anyway, early tomorrow morning we're headed up to my sister's house to meet up with my side of the family and watch the kids for a week while Lisa and Scott take a trip to Mexico. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to post from there. Those kids wear me out! So if I don't get a chance later, I'm wishing you all a Happy New Year too!

This is making it's way around the blogs, and it really touched me, so I thought I'd share it.
One day you'll be home with us Sophie. We will wait for you.

Twas the day before before Christmas.......

And all I have done for the last two days is lay in bed. I'm just not feeling well. I have so much to do! Laundry. Wrapping. One last present to buy. A trip to get ready for. And yet here I lie, in bed. Do you know what vertigo is? I thought it was a Hitchcock movie. Until yesterday morning. I had been feeling a bit dizzy for the last few days. Nothing major. I take medication that can cause dizziness, so I really didn't give it a second thought. Yesterday when I got up from bed to go to the bathroom, the room began to spin. Really spin. I couldn't stand up. In fact, I couldn't tell which way was up and which was down! It made me feel sick to my stomach. And it really scared me because it wouldn't stop. I called out frantically for Joe, who was in the other room. He came flying into the room. I think he must have recognized the tone of my voice. Scared. Within minutes I knew I was going to be ill. Right. Now. Joe practically carried me to the bathroom, where I was violently ill for fifteen minutes. It was awful. Afterwards the spinning stopped and aside from feeling weak, I felt fine. I went back to bed and rested for another hour and was fine the rest of the day. Later I googled my symptoms and came up with Vertigo. I have never in my life experienced anything like that. Ever. It was simply awful. But I was fine the rest of the day and grateful that it was over. Until this morning. When the exact same thing happened. Complete and total loss of balance. The room spinning out of control, followed by violent vomiting. I'm not sure what to do. I can't go to the doctor. It's Christmas Eve! What could be causing it? I'm supposed to make a seven hour drive on Wednesday up to my sister's. What if I get sick in the car(I have never suffered motion sicknes before.) Does anyone have any experience with this? I pray that this goes away on its own. And soon.
*It is not due to an ear infection. I had my ears checked last Wednesday and they were fine. I'm also pretty certain I don't have a sinus infection. I have had a stuffy nose for the last three days, but nothing major. I have not had any alcohol beverages. I have not changed the types or dosages of any of my medications. I just don't know what the cause could be, or what to do about it.*

Today we're keeping it pretty low key. Some last minute errands, and church tonight. I hope everyone has a Happy Christmas Eve! Also, here is somthing I found on Joannah's blog that I had to share. I have watched it three times already and am sitting here crying as I watch. This is the true meaning of Christmas.

Christmas Bloggy Parade of homes

I am participating in Shannon's(Bless you Heart) Christmas Parade of Homes. I would link to her, but I'm gonna be late for work! I'll do it when I get home and then you can go over there and see all the other homes dressed in their holiday finery. Here is mine:

Entertainment center













Our front porch. We totally need more lights. On the fence.
And on the shrubs in front of the fence.












Front window


















Wreath that I made.


















Our tree


















The Angel on top. It was my Mom's but my Dad gave it to me after she died.


















Small Nativity. I have a larger one my Dad gave me too.













Snow globes















Chandelier, decorated.


















Elf and Santa candle


















Snowman

I had the strangest day. I had to go have another scan done as a follow up to my mammogram. It took a long time. I even had to leave and come back. More on that later. In between appts. I decided to go to Starbuck's and get some Caramel Apple Cider. Yum. Anyway, into Starbucks I went. When I opened the door, there was a long line going all the way to the door. I came in a little too quickly and ran into a man standing at the end of the line. I backed up quickly and apologized. He gave me a dirty look, but turned around and we continued to wait our turn. As the line started dwindling, he didn't move up in the line. He just stood where he was, leaving me blocking the doorway. This went on for a few minutes. There was only one person in front of him, yet he remained where he was. I thought maybe he wasn't waiting in line and maybe he was waiting for his drink to be made. I turned to him and said "Excuse me. Are you waiting?" He spun around and YELLED at me "OF COURSE I'M WAITING. WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING STANDING HERE?" The entire store turned to look. I was mortified. I took a step backward but said nothing. I was stunned. He went up to the counter and placed his order. After he ordered he turned around and looked at me and said "I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE HOVERING OVER ME. STEP BACK." Again I was stunned. And pissed. I said to him "You don't have to be rude to me. I said I was sorry." This is what happened next. I am NOT exaggerating. This is how he responded:
He got his two coffee drinks and started towards the door. He got halfway to the door, turned around and started yelling at me again. "YES, I DO HAVE TO BE RUDE TO YOU. BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID. FIRST YOU RUN INTO ME, THEN YOU ASK ME A STUPID QUESTION. YOU REALLY ARE STUPID!"
Then he walked out the door. Every single person in the store was staring at me. I was so embarrassed. But it gets better. I go up to the counter to place my order. I told her what I wanted and that I needed a couple of gift cards. I was shaking and visibly upset, but I held it together. When she told me the total amount that I owed, it was only for the amount of the gift cards, not the drink and pastry that I had ordered. I looked at her and said "I don't think that's right. You didn't charge me for my drink." She replied "I know. It's okay." And she gave me a sympathetic look. Then you know what I did next? I started to cry.
In the. Middle. Of Starbucks. I cried. I went over to stand where they give you your drink and I continued to cry. In the middle of Starbucks. Nice. It was so bad that another employee that had seen the exchange came over to comfort me. Which only made it worse. Because then I couldn't stop. I cried all the way out to my car. I cried when I called my sister on the phone. In fact, it took me a good twenty minutes to stop crying. When I talked to my husband later, he asked me why I let that guy upset me so much. Why was I giving him that power over me? It wasn't until then that I realized it wasn't totally about what happened at Starbucks. It was about the stress I have been feeling lately. It was being worried about whatever it was in my first two breast scans that warranted a third look. And it was about the complete and total relief I have now that we made it through the review room without being questioned. It was all of those things. I just kind of lost it a little. But then I pulled myself together and went back to the doctor where, after almost an hour of testing, it was determined that there is a small mass in my left breast, but it is nothing to be worried about right now. They want to check it again in six months. Whew. That was a relief. A couple of other strange things happened after that, but I'm too tired to share them right now because now I am home with my husband. I have taken a warm bath and I am wrapping Christmas presents and all is right with the world.
What a strange day.

My husband said later on that he wished he had been with me when that happened. I don't. I'm glad I was alone. Don't get me wrong. My husband is not a violent man. At all. But the only time I have ever seen him come to blows with someone else is when we were at a concert and another man threatened me. I can't even remember what about. But my husband was going to kick his a%%. I had to physically push him away from the other guy and he made him apologize to me. He will let people be rude or step all over him, but when it comes to me, he doesn't mess around.

We Made it through the Review Room!

*I must have been so happy I forgot how to type. Of course I meant "we". Not "me". Oops! All fixed now.*

You wanna know the best way to turn yesterday's bad day into a fantastic one? Learning just now that we are OUT OF THE REVIEW ROOM! Thanks Cyndi for the heads up! I can not tell you what a huge sense of relief(and joy) I am feeling right now. I was very nervous about this step in the process because of my health issues. I am so happy. So happy.

For those non-adoption folks out there, this means that China has reviewed our file and determined that we qualify to adopt a child from them. It is one step further to Sophie. It doesn't mean that we are close. We still have to wait in the long, long line. Now our file sits in a room somewhere until our turn comes up(possibly still two years away) and they match us with a child. I am thankful to God for getting us this far. I have Faith He will get us the rest of the way.

Do Over

I deleted the entire last post. I don't know why I let small, insignificant things bother me like that. I guess I'm just stressed out and felt rotten all weekend and then had a stressful day at work. And I'm a little worried about my scan on Wednesday. I know I shouldn't be. But I am. The holidays are getting me down because things are going to be different this year than years past and I don't like different. Now it looks like my husband will not be able to get off work while I visit my sister and we will have to spend most of our time off apart. I wish all of my friends and family lived close together and we could all just spend the holidays together. That's all I want for Christmas. To spend time with my family. I don't know why that has to be so hard to make happen. I deleted the comments I didn't like and decided to leave Gracie's video up for now. I'm going to bed and will have a better attitude in the morning.

Thank you for all the good thoughts regarding my headache yesterday. It is sooooo much better today. I still have some lingering pain on the left side of my neck, but it's manageable. I'm not sure if it was some kind of migraine or what. I have been having some neck problems that manifests in a headache, but nothing like this one. I'm glad to be rid of that! Still, it is definitely something worth mentioning when I go to the doctor again. I haven't done much today. Joe is at work and I'm laying on the couch in my P.J.'s watching a Little House on the Prairie Christmas special. I heart Little House on the Prairie. I would love to buy some of the seasons on DVD. It was one of my favorite shows as a child. Next on is "The Walton's Christmas." Yippee! Gotta love the Hallmark Channel! The Christmas tree is lit and it is quite cozy. Soon I'll have to start thinking about laundry and dinner, but for now I'm staying put on the couch.

I have a headache so bad it's almost crippling. I managed to crawl out of bed this morning and go see my Dad, but have been in bed ever since. It could be a migraine. But not like any migraine I have ever had before. It hurts in the back of my head, on one side, with the pain radiating down my neck and left arm. Tylenol isn't even touching the pain. Please don't comment to tell me I am having a heart attack or a stroke. I have already Googled those ailments and I don't have any of the other symptoms. This is how well my husband knows me. When he came home from work I was in bed. As soon as he came in the room I said "I have a really bad headache. I think I could be having a stroke or something." His answer?(Without missing a beat) "I'm sorry sweetie. I'll get you some Tylenol after I take a shower". Then he closed the bathroom door and got into the shower. Perhaps he is aware of my tendency to over react. Either that or he is insensitive :)

Tired

I'm so tired. I think I may be coming down with something. Ugh. I feel like I'm just not ready for Christmas. I mean, I'm done shopping, but the presents are sitting there unwrapped. I have my Christmas cards, but I haven't sent them out. I am always so gung ho at the beginning of the holiday season, but then I kind of fizzle out at the end. I'm tired. I have to have an x-ray on my ankle because it still swells up and causes me pain from when I fell down my sister's staircase in October. When I called to make the appointment, they asked me would I also like to make my appt. for the follow up mammogram that I missed, because they really need to see me before Christmas and I have to have an ultrasound of my breast too, and why haven't I called to reschedule because it is imperative that I get in before Christmas. Oops. And also Huh? When I called to make the first appt. she told me I was only having a second mammogram(no ultrasound) and that there was no hurry to get it done. I'm not sure when that changed but now I'm slightly worried. Why do I need an ultrasound? And why is it all of a sudden "imperative" that I get in before Christmas? I'm going to put it out of my mind for now. Worrying is not going to change anything. I have to go see if I can put together something for myself for dinner. Joe's working and I have a headache. And oh yeah, I'm tired.



P.S. Thanks for all the suggestions on what to do about the wasted electricity going on at my house. I should say though, that it is a very small children's lamp and there is an energy saving bulb(the weird spiral kind) in it. I do like the idea of one of those electric candles though. I'll have to run that one by my hubby.

We'll Leave the Light on For You

I think that is the slogan for a hotel chain. Wait, let me check.......Yup. I was right. It is the slogan for this hotel chain. Well apparently it is also the new slogan for our home. Let me explain.
Every night when I come home after work, I pull into my parking space, which is right outside Sophie's room. Since we moved into our new apartment, I started noticing that the light was on in her bedroom. So every night when I got home I would go inside and turn it off. The next night I would come home and see that the light was on again. Hmmm.......that's strange. Again I would go inside and turn it off. I must have done this ten or twelve times(yes, I can be a bit slow on the uptake at times). Finally one night I came home and turned it off once again, and when Joe came home I asked him if he kept leaving Sophie's light on. He didn't answer at first. I thought he didn't hear him and asked again.
Me: "Joe? Are you turning Sophie's light on every night, because I keep turning it off and every night when I come home, it is on again!"
Him: He looked at me sheepishly and replied "Yeah. I've been turning it on every night after you go to bed."
Me: "Why? It's really annoying for me to have to go and turn it off every night."
Him: "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm going to leave her light on all the time. Until she comes home."
Me: "Oh. Well you could have told me. It would save me the trouble of coming in and turning it off every night."
Him: "Sorry. I should have told you."
Me: "Ummmm...that's okay. That's really sweet."

But do you know what I was really thinking?

You're planning on leaving her light on all the time? Until she comes home?
Do you know how much electricity that is going to waste?

Yeah. I'm up for wife of the year this year. At least I kept that last part to myself!

Yesterday Joe and I ventured to China Town in Los Angeles for an FCC(Families with Children from China) waiting families dinner. It was held at a Chinese restaurant in China Town. It was really neat to meet other people who are in the same boat we are, waiting for their children. We even met one couple that not only is using our agency, but is also in our group. That means we will be traveling together when we go to China! Pretty cool. After dinner we did a little shopping at the stores in China Town. I picked up a few knick knacks, and Joe got a set of Chinese swords. What is it with men and swords? That was the only thing he asked me to bring him from China when I went three years ago, but I couldn't find any while I was there. Now he has some and is already planning on displaying them proudly on the wall in our bedroom. Yay. Actually they're kind of cool. I'm glad we went.
Here are some pics:




























Joe spent almost a dollar trying to get his coin to land in this pot. I did it on my first try(hee!)

Sunday Randomness

So I'm all done Christmas shopping. And! They are almost all wrapped! Go me.
Well, there is one thing that I didn't get. My husband gave me a Christmas list a few weeks ago. Mostly books, and movies, and a board game. That he wants me to play with him. Yippee.
Anyway, I ordered all his stuff off of Amazon and I didn't even have to go to the Mall. Not that I go to the Mall. I avoid the Mall like the plague. Especially this time of year. So I thought I was good to go, as far as shopping for him. Until last weekend. We're watching T.V. and all of a sudden he turns to me and says "I think I want a Wii for Christmas". At first I'm like "A what? A who?" "A Wii", he says. You know, the gaming system". "Ohhhhhh......that. "Are you kidding me? It's like, 22 days before Christmas. There is no way I will be able to score one of those. Are you crazy?" I said(Or something a little more empathetic. I can't remember exactly) I have looked online, but there is not a Wii to be found(Heh. I like saying it. Wii. Heh Heh.) So if anyone knows where I can get a Wii(for less than $500. Seriously. $500? Give me a break), please do share. I told him not to get his hopes up too much. Why, oh why, can't men plan ahead like we do? Why?

Speaking of Christmas presents, yesterday I went to the mailbox and found this:

Is she not the cutest? Her name is Luo Pan, which is "Hope" in Chinese. Pan Pan for short. I ordered her four months ago, but when I didn't receive her and my check didn't clear I thought my order had either gotten lost in the mail or I was too late in ordering(they are numbered and only a certain amount were being made). Imagine my surprise(and delight) when she came in the mail yesterday. I think she will be coming to China with us. And you know I had to buy Gracie one too, because cousins must have matching dollies. They must.








I wish I could tell you where I got her, but it was so long ago I can't remember and all that was on the return address was someone's home address. I do remember that I found out about them through the One Hundred Good Wishes Quilt group I belong to.

Just saw this on another blog and had to steal it. I love it! I've played it four times already!
http://thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf

I miss this...........


















Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to have this:


















But I really miss her...........

I don't know if it is because it the holiday season(and we don't have children. Again) or what, but I have been so emotional lately. First I had that meltdown last week, then today I spent a good portion of the day on the verge of tears or in the bathroom crying. I think it might be time to go to the doctor and make sure that hormone patch is still working because this is ridiculous. I know what started me feeling sad again. What I can't figure out is how not to be sad about it.
Here's the deal. I had this friend. We met twelve years ago. We worked together. We became very close and remained friends even after we both moved on from our place of employment. I have known both of her children since they were born. I babysat for them many, many(many) times. Joe and I would go over to her house for parties, and I knew pretty much all of her neighbors. That's how often I was over there. Joe and I started trying for a baby four or five years into our friendship. We tried. And tried. And tried some more. Nothing happened. The more we tried and the more nothing happened, we found it difficult to be around others who had kids. It was so painful. For both of us. We stopped going to her parties. I still came over for dinner, or a movie occasionally, but I couldn't bring myself to go to her children's birthday parties. I wanted so much what all those other people had. I would leave every party in tears. Finally I decided not to put myself through that pain any more and I stopped going. I'm not sure my friend understood it. She couldn't fathom how going to a children's birthday party could cause someone so much pain. I didn't expect her to understand. I just expected her to respect my decision and try not to feel hurt by it. We saw each other less and less. The phone calls became sporadic. Eventually she stopped returning my phone calls at all. We did communicate through e-mail some. Last Fall I tried to reconnect with her. I e-mailed her several times. I told her I missed her and the kids. I asked if we could get together. She would respond, telling me how busy they were, and how this wasn't a good time. I persisted. I called on the phone. I sent cards to her and the kids. I received nothing in response. I let it go for awhile. A few months ago, I sent another e-mail, asking if we could get together. I missed our friendship, and wanted to see if we could rekindle it. Again I was told they were very busy, and this isn't a good time. I must be very dense, because I didn't get the hint. Even though my husband tried to kindly tell me that she had no interest in being my friend anymore. I didn't listen to him. I can be stubborn like that. I was sure if we could just get together and I told her how sorry I was for those couple of years when I crawled into a hole to protect myself, she would understand and we could be friends again. Two weeks ago I sent her a small gift and a card telling her how much I missed her and the kids. I heard nothing. I waited another week. Maybe she was just "really busy". Finally two days ago I e-mailed her. I asked if she got the gift, and could we get together. Yesterday she e-mailed me back. Yes, she did receive the gift. She doesn't want to get together. In fact, she doesn't have the "time or commitment" required to be my friend. She has "a lot on her plate right now, and she doesn't have anything to spare". She said it seems like I have a lot of issues that I am dealing with, all of the time,(which is true) and it became too emotionally draining for her to listen and be there for me. She wishes me well, but it is not a good time for us to reconnect. She needs some time for herself right now.

I am crushed. I feel so rejected. I have never had someone just come right out and say "I don't want to be your friend anymore". It hurts so much.
Here are some things that my head knows, but my heart can't seem to understand.
1. I probably don't want to be friends with someone who can't reciprocate my friendship, or be there for me when I need them.
2. It may not be all about me(shocker!). She may be going through some hard things and it truly isn't a good time.
3. I do have a lot of issues. I know that. Medical. Emotional. Financial. More issues than most people. Perhaps I wear my heart on my sleeve too often. I'm learning to curb that a bit.

If my head knows all of the above things, how come my heart hurts so much? Because it really, really hurts right now.


Please be kind in your comments. It doesn't help me to bash her or hear how awful she is and how she isn't worth my tears. She was my friend. We had so many good times together. I miss her. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that our friendship is over for good. It makes me feel so sad.

Nobody does Christmas like Disney

This is how I spent my day off. Yes, I am very lucky.

See how happy Joe is to be having his picture taken with Santa? The depth of his joy does not come across in the picture :) We were the only people in line that did not have children. It didn't stop me!













They put snow on the castle for the first time ever.














Lights in New Orleans Square. One of my favorite places in D-Land.















Main Street














The castle is stunning at night.

Random Pictures

I've been promising pictures for awhile now. So here are some random pictures that have nothing at all to do with one another. Randomness.

Pictures from our trip to Canada:
Joe in front of the Aquarium



















View from the other side of the coast














We visited this really cool suspension bridge. It was very high in the air. Notice how I am smiling for the picture and clutching onto the side of the bridge with all of my might so I wouldn't fall to my death? Talented, I am.

More Random Pictures

I put up this bamboo forest in Sophie's room this weekend. I got them at Ikea and they just stick on! Then I put up a shelf for s couple of Sophie's panda bears to sit on. My dad made this awesome stained glass panda bear for Sophie. I plan on having a light behind it to illuminate it at night.




















I plan to buy an ornament each year for Sophie as she is growing up. I though it would be neat to start before she came. This is the third ornament she has so far(sigh). I usually go with a Chinese themed ornament, but I loved this one.

Okay, I keep seeing this all over the place and I held out as long as I possibly could, but then I just had to do it. It cracks me up. Every. Single. Time. So check it out!
(And yes, by the way, I am very easily entertained! :)

My husband looked at my Christmas lights this evening and said "Does this look like the house of a normal person?" Hee! I wonder what he is trying to say? :) I have to admit, it is a bit reminiscent of this. O.K. not quite that bad. I'll show you how it looks later in the week(I promise!).

My Sees-ter went home today. I miss her. I'll be seeing her again in three weeks though, so I can't be too sad. I finished my Christmas decorating today. We are all ready for Christmas now! The tree is up, the lights are hung, and every flat surface of my house is covered in decoration. Joe thinks I went a little overboard with the lights outside. I disagree. You can never have too many lights! I'll post pictures later. I keep saying that. I guess I owe y'all a bunch of pictures. Soon. After seeing an advertisement on a couple of other blogs, I ordered a bunch of products from this company. I love bath products. Bubble bath, soaps, lotions, body oils, I love them all. And unlike most people I know, I actually use them on a regular basis. The products I ordered from this company came the other day, and they are fabulous! They are all natural. The scents are absolutely heavenly, and they are very reasonably priced. If you are looking for Christmas gifts or stocking stuffers for friends and family, you should check it out!
I'm off to enjoy the few hours I have left until the Daily Grind starts again in the morning.

13 Months

It totally slipped by me. Maybe that's a good thing. Perhaps the next 23 will slip by unnoticed as well? Probably not. One can hope though. I am feeling a hundred percent better about things today. I think maybe it is the upcoming holidays that are getting to me. I did some cute things in the nursery on my day off yesterday and it made me feel happy, not sad. I'd show you pictures, but I'm too lazy. I probably won't get around to it this weekend either, because my sees-ter is coming to visit and we'll be hanging out all weekend long. Sans children. Woo Hoo! Par-tay!

thank you all so much for the ecouraging words. It helps so much to know that I am not alone. Today was much better. Still feeling a bit emotional. But better. I'm going to bed early and hopefully will wake up tomorrow rested and back to normal.



P.s. Thanks for the song recommendation journeywoman. I did'nt laugh. I find so much solace in music, especially with song lyrics that relate to my feelings. I just downloaded it.


I'm posting from my bed on my phone, so pardon the typos. G'night!

I had a bad day. Some days are like that. I woke up in a funk. I cried on the way to work listening to Christmas music. I love Christmas. But it makes me sad. Why is that? I screwed up at work. A couple of times. It's no big deal, but it didn't help my state of mind. I cried again on the phone with Joe at lunch. I'm feeling pretty emotional today. Maybe it's the post vacation blues. There is something else that is bothering me. I have gone back and forth on whether I should post about it or not. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings, and if you haven't been through the pain of infertility you just won't get it. Oh well. Here goes anyway. Before we started the adoption, and right before we decided not to go any further with infertility treatments, I joined an infertility support group. I have mentioned it before. Through that group I met four wonderful women who have become my friends. We try to meet at least every couple of months to catch up. Out of the four of us, two became pregnant. I could not be happier for them. That left two of us still trying to start a family. While we chose adoption, the other girl pursued IFV. Many, many times, all with heartbreaking results. She and her husband talked about adoption, but nothing was concrete. Over the weekend I received an e-mail from her. In her e-mail was a picture of her beautiful newborn son that they had adopted domestically. I am so happy for her and her husband. I truly am. They went through so much and I am so glad to see them happy. But at the same time I am sad. Out of the five original girls that were in the group, only one of them does not have their baby at home with them. Guess which one. That would be me. It is so disheartening. We started our adoption process a year and a half before they did. And we are nowhere near having our baby home. Nowhere near. I thought giving up on the infertility treatments and pursuing adoption was the plan God had for us. I really did. And now I'm not so sure. I have so many doubts. Not only can I not get pregnant, I can't even choose an adoption plan where I have my child home in less than three years. Somehow I feel like a failure. I didn't want to be the last one standing. Although I wouldn't have wished it on anyone else, I didn't want it to be me. Why am I always last? Why do we have to wait so long? Will this ever really happen? So many questions, and no answers. I feel so guilty for even thinking this way. I am happy for each and every one of my friends that have been able to start their families. Is it possible to be happy for someone and still be sad for yourself? I hope so. Because I am sad. Very sad. I'm going to take a bubble bath and climb into bed. It's hard to feel sad when you are asleep, right?

P.S. T-I know you read this occasionally. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I am so, so happy for you. He is so beautiful and I can't wait to meet him. I know if anyone can understand how I'm feeling, you can.

I wanted to post some of the pictures I took from our trip to Canada, but when I tried to upload them onto my computer(five times!), it said that three hundred of them were unreadable files and could not be uploaded. Three. Hundred. Please excuse me while I go cry. Joe is confident that he can get them off of my card, but I am impatient and I want them right now!(said in a shrill voice while stomping my foot). Here are the few that I was able to get off of the card. I hope so much that Joe is right and that he can save the rest of the photos because if he can't, I am going to be very very sad.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have to admit, it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. I gues that could be because, well......where we are it isn't. Thanksgiving, that is. We made it safely to our destination in Vancouver yesterday. What a long day. Travelling sure does take it out of you. The Vancouver airport is so. much. cooler. than ours. And I don't mean the temperature. It is a beautiful airport! I will post pics later. I have been searching the web to see if we can get a turkey dinner today, but it's not looking good. We may have to have a belated Thanksgiving when we get home. Or maybe have Turkey on Christmas this year. Either way, I must have turkey. At least once a year. Well, gotta get up and moving if we're going to pack in all the stuff we have planned over the next three days.

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

I don't know when I'll be back again. Well, O.K. actually I do know when I'll be back. But I'm not thinking about that right now. All I'm thinking about now is leaving for our vacation in the morning and how super excited I am. We're bringing the laptop, but not sure when or if I'll be able to post. I hope all of my American friends have a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving. Catch you on the flip side!

Has it really been four days since my last post? Time does fly. What have I been up to, you might ask. Mostly running around like crazy trying to get ready for my trip. Shopping, cleaning, etc. Gosh it takes a lot of preparation togo out of town for a few days! Yesterday, however, I did nothing. No. Thing. I didn't even get out of my pajamas yesterday. It felt soooooo good. Must do that more often. I really don't have much to say. One more day until we leave for Canada. Yippeeeee!

A Dream Come True

Anyone who knows me knows I am a huge James Taylor fan. Huge. Fan. You might even say I'm his Number One Fan. Heh. (If you've never read Stephen King's Misery,(or seen the movie) you have no idea what I'm talking about. In fact, I have probably alienated about half of my readers). Anyway, I love James Taylor. Well, I love his music. Because in order to love him, I'd have to know him. At least a little bit. So I love his music. I have every single album(do we still use that term?) he ever made. Even the ones that came out before I was born. I have seen him in concert six times. Or seven. I can't remember exactly. I even signed up to receive e-mails on his official web site. I guess you could call it a fan club. But that makes me sound like a freak. Let's stick with website. So on Tuesday I got an e-mail from his website letting people know about his new C.D. as well as television appearances and C.D. signings to promote such C.D. He was only doing two signings. One in L.A. and one in New York. I thought it pretty unlikely that I would make the one in New York, so I decided to try and make it to the one in Los Angeles. It just so happened that it was going to be on Wednesday night, and Wednesday is my day off. It was meant to be! So yesterday at around two-thirty I headed out on the freeway towards Los Angeles. Santa Monica, to be exact. I left so early so I would miss the evening traffic. I had no traffic at all going out and made it there in a little under an hour. I got my wristband, walked around a little bit and had something to eat, then went and sat on the sidewalk and waited. There weren't that many people there at first. As the afternoon slipped into evening, more and more people started showing up, until there was a huge crowd of people. Some of the people that showed up were.....how should I say this? Interesting. I'm not judging. Hey, there I was, sitting on the sidewalk just like they were, waiting to meet James Taylor. I'm just saying that some of them weren't exactly playing with a full deck. If you know what I mean. But the couple sitting next to me were very nice and we kind of struck up a friendship of sorts, so I didn't feel too weirded out. So after waiting for almost three hours, they finally got to our number and we lined up to go inside. And there he was. Sitting. Right. There. Like twenty feet away from me. It was just so cool. Soon it got to be my turn and I walked over to him and gave him my C.D. to sign and he totally strikes up a conversation with me! Like, asking me where I'm from, and thanking me for coming such a long way and stuff. I am so star struck at this point that I'm just kind of smiling and nodding and stammering out replies. The he sees my Iphone and asks me all sorts of questions about it, like am I happy with it, and what does it do. I am totally blown away at this point and don't even remember the last part of the conversation, or getting my picture taken with him. Next thing I know I am outside the store, calling Joe to tell him what just happened and I am on Cloud Nine. I am so glad I went. Even if I had to go by myself(Joe had to work and I have no friends). It truly was the opportunity of a lifetime.


The first sighting. There he is!(Deep Breaths)















Oh my Gosh. I'm next!















The money shot. I may not look it, but I am very nervous.
He's so tall!

I would like to have one day off where I didn't have to run ten thousand errands. Tomorrow I have to take my car in to have it fixed(finally!), then I have to go get a second mammogram done(fingers crossed), then I have another doctor's appt. Next Wed. will be spent traveling(can't wait) so I won't have a day off to just veg and do nothing for awhile. I'm going to try and do some of that while we're in Canada, but we have so many things planned I'm not sure there will be time for relaxing. That's it. I am declaring Wednesday, Nov. 28th a stay-at-home-in-my-pajamas-and do-nothing day. I will not schedule any appointments that day. I will not run any errands. I will stay home and relax, even if it kills me! Speaking of killing me, I fell in the shower yesterday. I was getting out and my feet just slipped right out from under me. I whacked my arm on the side, bruised my leg when it hit the tub wall, and twisted my ankle. The same ankle that I sprained last month. I can see why that is one of the most common household accidents that occurs. I'm lucky I didn't crack my head open! Did you know that falling onto knives that are facing up in the dishwasher is also a very common household accident? That's why I always put mine in handle side up. Joe puts them in sharp side up. I think he secretly may be trying to kill me. He knows how clumsy I am! Tomorrow I will be buying some of those tub stickers that prevent you from slipping. Wow. That was some riveting stuff there. Gotta go. Hubby just took some piping hot chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. Mmmmmm.........

Hug a Veteran Today

Christmas Came Early

It is five thirty-four a.m. I am awake. I have been since four. Why, you ask? I. Dont. Know. It has been happening for the last five days. It is driving me crazy. And I'm tired.

Christmas came a little bit early to my house this year. First, I bought Sophie this adorable push toy. Isn't it cute? When you push it around, lights up! It's kind of hard to see in the pictures. As soon as I saw it I(I mean, Sophie:) knew I had to have it. I can just see Sophie toddling around our apartment pushing it along. Sophie is not the only one who got an early Christmas present this year. I also received a totally cool and unexpected gift. Every year my husband and
I agree on one large item we would like for Christmas. I always save the gift I bought for my husband to open on Christmas, but he always ends up giving me my gift early. He gets so excited about the gift that he simply can't wait to give it to me! This year was no exception. He totally surprised me when he told me to get in the car on Sunday, because we were going to get my Christmas present. I was so curious as to what it might be. I about fell over when he handed me one of these. It's an Iphone! Now I'm not one to get all Ga Ga over gadgets. Heck, I didn't even own an IPod. But man, I'm in love with this phone. It is Just. So. Cool. You can check your e-mail on it! And surf the internet! And view full web pages! I can even check my blogs! And the touch screen is amazing. I love it. Now I have someplace to store my pictures and listen to music, and talk on the phone all in one gadget. Isn't technology amazing?

Let me Entertain You

So you know how we're going to Canada for Thanksgiving right?(in eleven days. But who's counting). Anyway, on the flight back, Lisa, Scott and the Kids are on the same flight we are. And I just know one(or both) of them are going to insist on sitting with "Aunt Shell" for at least some of the time. (With no prompting at all from their Mother. Really). So I went out and bought all of this stuff to keep them entertained on the three and half hour flight. Does this look like enough activities to entertain a four year old and a six year old for three hours? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. Back to Barnes and Noble I go in the morning.

I kind of totally forgot about the whole being thankful thing, and listing them every day. What can I say. I have a very short attention span(and a very short memory). Today was long. It wasn't a bad day, but it kind dragged on and on and seemed to never end. I'm ready for bed. It is eight fifty. But I don't care. I'm heading into the bedroom anyway. I got the results from my mammogram. They want me to come back. I had to do that last time too. It kind of scares me a little though, because the nurse told me they had gone all digital since the last time I was there, and she could see so much more than she could before, so it was unlikely that I would need to return. So why do I have to go back? What did they see that warrants a second look? Probably nothing, I know. I could drive myself crazy with wondering and worry. But I'm not going to do that. I'll go back as soon as they can get me in, and I won't think about it again until I get the results(Ha! Right!). No, seriously. I'm not going to worry about it. Much. I'm wiped and am turning in now. Oh, here's my three thanks(See? I almost forgot! It's sad really)

1. I am thankful it is Friday. Yay for Friday!
2. I am thankful it is the holiday season. I love Christmas. The decorations are already going up and some of the stores are playing Christmas music! I think it's too early, but it's getting me in the mood.
3. I am thankful for Tamales. No, really. I bought some Tamales at a craft fair I went to on my way home and I had one not too long ago. They are Yum-ee.

Ho Hum

I guess I'm not going to do the post every day thing. Because, well, I haven't been doing it. Oh well. There's always next year. I had a lovely day off yesterday. I went to lunch with my Dad and my Aunt and Uncle to celebrate my Dad's birthday. We had a great time. This week has flown by. I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. Joe's been working a lot of nights, so I've been kind of on my own a lot. Its both good and bad. I like having time to myself, but sometimes I get a bit lonely. Must find some friends. Work has been going much, much better. I did make a major mistake today, but luckily it was fixed before the doctor found out about it. Whew! Thank God for my co-worker. She has saved me a couple of times now. Hopefully it will continue to get easier as time goes by. Well that was boring. But it's all I got.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my Dad's Birthday. Happy Birthday Dad! We love you! I'll see you tomorrow!

Glitterfy.com

Help Bring Noah Home

Okay, you know the Blog Shower I posted about yesterday? Well another one of my favorite bloggers is trying to get as much traffic as possible for Verna's blog makeovers so they can raise the money for Noah's orphanage fee. So if you have a blog, and you want a makeover, consider using Verna. She does a fantastic job, and you know the money is going to a good cause! The fee is nominal too, for the wonderful job that she does. Check it out!

I was gonna do this thing that everyone else is doing where you post something on your blog every day for the month of November, but then I just didn't do it and now it is the third of November already and it's too late, right? Or I could start now. But I probably won't. Or I might. I'm undecided. And I suffer from mood swings. Anyhoo, I said I was gonna tell you about our plans for Thanksgiving, so I'll go ahead and do that. Last Thanksgiving sucked. It was the worst Thanksgiving ever. We had no money. We didn't go visit my sister(for the first time in ten years). I got food poisoning and threw up for like fours hours straight and had to call in sick the day before Thanksgiving and my boss was PISSED because she always took that day off and how DARE I become ill on her day off! Never mind the fact that I had just come off of a six month course of Prednisone because I had Kidney Disease and I had NO immune system to speak of. Yeah, I don't miss that job AT ALL. Anyway, it sucked. Big time. So I told my husband that next Thanksgiving was not going to suck. Not if I had anything to do with it! So my sister and I started tossing around ideas for what to do at Thanksgiving this year. I wanted to go back here. That Thanksgiving was simply magical. (It's Tahoe, by the way). Lisa and Scott decided they wanted to try someplace new. That's where we differ. Joe and I are the type of people that find something we like and feels comfortable, and we stick with it. Lisa and Scot are adventurous and stuff, and always want to try new things. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just different from us. So we decided to spend Thanksgiving out of the country! That's right. We're headed to Vancouver, Canada for Thanksgiving. I. Can. Not. Wait. Seriously, I am beyond excited. I haven't been there since I was a child. From what I have read and seen on the Internet, it is so beautiful there! I already have every day packed with things I want to do in the short time we are there. I'm not sure we will even be able to pack it all in! Of course, Joe has to go to the Art Museum. And with the kids, we have to go to the Aquarium. And I have to do this. Which is funny, because I am afraid of heights, but doesn't that just look so beautiful? But then there is this. And this. And this too. (We HAVE to do this. How can we not)? Oh, I don't know how we will be able to do it all. I need at least another week! I guess we'll have to make due with the time we have. But I am excited. Big time.


P.S. That was a lot of links. I don't blame you if you didn't click on them all. Totally understandable. I got slightly carried away.

Online Shower for Noah

Red Mary Janes is hosting an online baby shower for Verna's family. Verna is the one who did my blog makeover. And what a beautiful job she did! So go on over there and share the love with them as they prepare to bring their little(big) boy home.

Happy Halloween!

Not a lot of going on around here for Halloween. In fact, I have no plans at all. Since I don't work with kids anymore, there will be no parties or crafts or anything(we didn't allow costumes at our school). I'm off today, and Joe is working tonight, so this Halloween will be pretty uneventful. No trick-or-treaters come by our apartment, so it will be a pretty quiet night. Halloween makes me a little bit sad. It is truly one of those holidays that centers around children, and I don't have one of those. Sometimes it feels like I never will. Every year we say "Maybe next year we'll have Sophie to share in the Halloween fun". Then next year rolls around and Nope, not yet. I'm tired of "Not Yet". At the rate it's going, it could be two more Halloweens before we have our daughter. Gosh, I started this post just to update you on my lack of Halloween plans, and then I turned all maudlin on you. Sorry 'bout that. I'm done feeling sorry for myself now. Hope you all have a wonderful day. Oh, you wanna see something funny? Go here. I stole it from Kylie's Mom. It cracked me up!