Thank you if you left an encouraging comment on that last post, but I had to I take it down.  Too depressing.  

I've been trying so hard to keep a positive attitude despite some of the cr@p we've been dealing with lately and I just kind of lost it when I found out about the car.

  I was so hoping and praying that it was something that was easily fixed.  I had a little bit of a meltdown when I found out that wasn't going to be the case.

I'm feeling slightly better now. We can share a car. For now. There are worse things in life than that.  

We will have to figure something out before Joe's classes begin in August, but for now it will be O.K.   Inconvenient, but O.K.  I'm gonna bite the bullet and learn how to drive his hunk of junk, ahem, I mean car, this weekend.

Joe has been working full time at the his new job for a month now, so his next check will be a full paycheck and then we can start getting back on our feet.  It has been hard for us since he lost his job in January.  Between me being out of work for four months last summer and him being out of work five months in the Winter/Spring, things have been, well, hard. 

But they'll start getting better.  I have to believe that. It's the only thing keeping me going right now.  Things will get better.  I'll just repeat that to myself over and over(and over) until it starts to come true.

P.S. Thanks for the compliments on the music. That John Mayer song is my absolute favorite song in the world right now. I play it over and over and over. It speaks to me.  The other songs are songs that I simply love, as well as the tune Kayce turned me on to a few weeks ago. Maybe it's time to move that one back up to the top of the list again for awhile :)

P.S.S.  Laura Dean-I can't find your e-mail address anywhere. E-mail me at scrappermg(at)cox(dot)net and I'll give you the info you asked for.

One More Day!

I can't wait to see this movie. It looks like it's going to be so funny and I love Jack Black(he plays the voice of the Panda).

It is strange that I am looking forward to an animated movie?

Oh well. I did work with five year olds for fourteen years!

Here's something that really bugs me

Since when is a size 10 considered "plus size"? Does this girl look plus sized to you?


Because I think she's beautiful. I would love to look like her. But Plus Size? I think not. And yet she's all over the news because she won the "Ame.rica's To.p Mo.del" competition and she's a size 10. Not a size 2 like the girls that usually win that competition. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad she won. Most of the other girls in that competition look starved and underweight. It's nice that they acknowledge the fact that a girl can have curves and still be beautiful. But why all the hype about her "size"? She looks normal. Healthy. Beautiful. Why does society have to label her as plus sized(which is really just another word for overweight)

How can we raise daughters to have a healthy body image when this is what we're telling them is plus sized? Why isn't she considered in the same class as the other size 2 models? She's not in the news because she won. She's in the news because of her size.

I am a plus size. I prefer not to tell you what size I wear, but it is quite a bit larger than a size 10. No, I am not happy with my weight. Yes, I have problems with body image. But I looked good as a size 10. I can see that when I look back at pictures. But you know what? I wasn't happy with my body, even then. Because society told me that in order to be beautiful, I had to be a size 2. And skin and bones. I haven't been that skinny since I was 17 years old. And I wasn't healthy then. I rarely ate and when I did, it was junk food. I'm not saying I'm at my healthiest weight now and I certainly need to lose some pounds but I want to raise a confident, healthy daughter who is health conscious but not weight obsessed.

And that's going to hard to do when all she sees when she turns on the t.v. or looks at a magazine is girls like the ones pictures above labeled as overweight. Sigh. I hate the media.

Wordless Wednesday

And also........

Today the Superintendent of Big Sur State Parks called me at work to let me know that we are cleared for our camping trip!  Yippeee! All of your good vibes worked! They won't have even started the construction then, so we won't have to worry about the noise and such that comes along with a big construction project.  That was our other main concern. Hello, we're driving six hours to go camping and commune with nature and a tractor plowing through our campsite is not what we had in mind when we made the reservations thankyouverymuch.  So I can cross that off of my worry list. :)  Now if I could only get some good news regarding my car, I'll be golden. They can't take my car until tomorrow though, so I won't find out anything until late tomorrow or early Thursday.  Keep the good vibes comin'!

I've thought about the situation this afternoon and I'm feeling better about it.  Like Lisa said, better to be safe than sorry.  It would have been different if I had been with my husband, or even a co-worker.  But I still can't get him out of my head. I feel so bad for him.  I have been there(sobbing in a public place) and it's no fun. Poor guy.  

P.S.  We got very lucky regarding the camping situation. The guy told me on the phone that a hundred or so families that have reservations to camp there in late July and August are not going to be so lucky. Their reservations are in jeopardy and he told me is NOT looking forward to making those phone calls.  I'll bet.  I'm not sure how an error like this was made, but it sure is going to disappoint a lot of people.  It's too bad.

What Would You Have Done?

Something happened on my lunch break and it has me feeling confused and guilty about the way I responded to the situation. I'll explain, and then you tell me-what would you have done?

I have been walking on my lunch break. I am way out of shape and I'm trying to build up a little bit of stamina for those hiking trails in Big Sur.

Anyway, I have been taking 30 minute walks around my workplace. Here is some basic info about where I walk:

I work in a very affluent neighborhood. You know that T.V. show? The Real Housewives of Orange County? Well that show is filmed about two blocks from where I work(in fact, one of the ladies from that show visited the business right next to us last week and parked right in front of our building-I know- big whoop). But that gives you an idea of the surrounding area where I take my walks.

Affluent. And pretty safe.

But I do walk alone.

There is this parklike area(no playground, but grass, and trees and park benches) that has a loop around it that I walk twice around.

Today as I am walking up the pathway I see a man sitting under a tree on one of the park benches. No biggie. I've seen men sitting on park benches before. :)

As I continue to come closer to him, I hear what I think is talking. I assume he is talking on a cell phone. I'm not close enough to tell for sure, but I definitely hear his voice as I am walking closer.

The closer I get, the louder his "voice" gets. I can see now that he is not talking on a cell phone. I think perhaps he is talking to himself? I continue to come closer.

As I approach the bench I see that he is crying. No. Crying is not the right word. Bawling. Sobbing. Wailing. Weeping. Those words better describe what he was doing.

As I approached him and walked past him, he buried his head in his hands and cried great, heaving sobs.

I was unsure of what to do. I looked directly at him to see if I could establish eye contact but he kept his head buried in his hands. I wanted to ask him if he was okay. Or if there was anything I could do for him.

Here's where I am ashamed. I didn't ask if he was O.K. I didn't ask if there was anything I could do. I didn't do any of those things. What did I do?

I walked right by him. Without saying a word.

And then on my way back around the loop I took the shortcut and didn't walk by him again.
Two opportunities I had to possibly help someone who was obviously in pain and I walked right by.

I feel so guilty. The entire way back to my workplace I kept asking myself why? What stopped me from the simple act of asking him if he was O.K?

Here's what I came up with. I was afraid. I am very leery of men I don't know. I watch way too many "true life" crime stories on T.V. I hear on the news every single day about women dissapearing only to be found years later floating in a river or lake or buried in some forest.
It is something I spend more time than one should spend thinking about such things. One time our neighbor was using a chain saw at ten o'clock at night and for a week I was convinced he was another Jeffrey Dahmer. Turns out he was building a bookcase for his 5 year old daughter. Oops. My bad.

My husband thinks my fascination with serial killers is funny. Or "quirky". We laugh about it all the time.

But am I letting this fear stop me from being a good person? I probably had nothing whatsoever to fear. The chances that this man was going to hurt me were slim to none.

So I think I'm just using that as an excuse. And if that's the case, what's the real reason I didn't stop?

Laziness? Because it would have put me outside my comfort zone? Neither of which are valid reasons in my book.

So, what would you have done?


P.S. I used to work at a Catholic School and we used the phrase WWJD(what would Jesus Do?) all. the. time. Perhaps I should start practicing what I preach. (Hangs head in shame).

Hey, thanks for all the nice comments about my hair. It has grown on me over the last few days and I have decided I like it.  It's easier to get ready in the morning, that's for sure!  Today was okay. For a Monday.  A friend lent me his car for the last two days and I got to drive myself to work today.  Oh, how I have missed having a car.  I miss being able to run errands on my lunch break.  I miss being able to leave work when it's time, and not have to wait for Joe to pick me up(he is very rarely on time).  I miss my independence.  Tomorrow we are having my car towed to the shop(finally) so we can see what exactly is wrong with it. I pray it is something fairly easy and inexpensive to fix. Oh, how I pray this is the case. I couldn't sleep last night worrying that it is something major that we won't have the money to fix.  I know it does no good to worry.  But I do. I'm a worrier.  I also received some not so great news regarding our upcoming camping trip that has me almost in a panic.  (Don't worry Kayce-it isn't affecting the second half of our trip-only the first four nights).  Long story short, there was a huge error made by both the campground(State Park) and the site that does the reservations and now it is not certain that they will have a campsite for us.  Nothing is for sure yet, but if this doesn't pan out I will be devastated.  I made these reservations seven months ago.  This is the only vacation we take.  All year.  I was able to speak with someone very high up in the Big Sur State Parks system(the ranger at the station totally gave me this guy's private number. He rocks).  This person assures me he is going to do everything he can to honor our reservations, but he won't know anything until next week.  Again, with the worrying.   I must learn not to worry so much.  So send good car-fixing and campsite vibes our  way, O.K?   We could really use them. Thanks.

3 Words

Here are my three words for the week. I'm bummed I missed last week due to the internet issues. But I'm back this week and here are the three words that best sum up my week:

New Do

I got my hair cut on Wednesday. It was long over due. I hadn't had it cut since November and it was dead and dry at the ends. My husband only wanted me to "get a trim" and take off only about an inch. What is it with guys and long hair anyway? I knew that I had waited far too long for "just a trim", but I decided to keep it longish by having maybe two inches cut off and buy a really good conditioner to see if it would help with the dryness. So off I went on Wednesday to have it cut.

I told the stylist I wanted to take a couple inches off, but would still like it to be shoulder length.

Here it was before I got it cut:
It is so dead and dry on the ends. Yuck. And Dude. I need a tan.

Here is what I was thinking I wanted the length to be:
Although now I see that the length here is actually slightly longer than shoulder length. I am loving the color of my hair in that picture. I wish I could afford to have it professionally colored on a regular basis.

Here it is now:

The jury is still out on it for me. It is much shorter than I imagined it would be. But I do admit that when I sit up straight, it does touch my shoulders. Barely. So I can't fault the stylist for it being shorter than I anticipated. I did say "shoulder length". I was sure Joe would hate it. He says he likes it. I'm not sure if he's saying that just to be nice or not, which is totally something he would do. He typically is not a fan of short hair. I guess there's nothing to be done about it now. It's just hair. It'll grow back. Right?

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try and step away from the adoption wait for now and focus on the here and now.  Nothing I do or say will change the length of time we have to wait for Sophie.  We just have to ride it out and pray for the best.  Thanks for the comments and suggestions on my last post. I think at this point truly the only thing keeping me sane is the fact that I have people who have been there/are going down the same path to lean on.  I don't know what I would do if it weren't for you guys.  I would feel totally isolated and alone(I love you man!). O.K.  Moving on.

It's thankful Thursday again!  Here's a couple of mine.

1. Thank you Ge.orge Bu.sh for the tax rebate check. It finally did arrive at our house, almost two weeks late.  Unfortunately, we will not be able to use it to help the failing economy like you had hoped.  No, the entire check went to pay past due bills that have been piling up since my husband lost his job five months ago.  No shopping sprees for us. But we are grateful to have received it. Thanks.

2.  I am thankful my husband has found a new job and has been working full time for the last two weeks. That means we'll get a paycheck next week that will help greatly with the hole we have fallen into.  

3.  It just so happens that my husband is working for a very large retail corporation that provides excellent benefits for both himself and family.  After six months, he can begin receiving those benefits and I can switch over to his insurance plan, which is better than the one I am on now.  It will also provide healthcare for our child when she comes home.  He isn't even eligible for health benefits at the university where he teaches since they keep him just below the full time course load and he hasn't been able to obtain a full time position.  In addition to the awesome health benefits, they offer an adoption reimbursement of $5,000.00 to employees who choose adoption to grow their families.   This is will be an unbelievable and amazing blessing for us after we bring Sophie home.  This job has answered more than one of our prayers.

4.  Tomorrow is Friday already. Short weeks rock!

5. Only 24 more days until we go camping in Big Sur and meet up with Kayce and family.  Yahoo!!!!

That last post had more of a negative vibe than I had planned on.   Some days of this wait are better than  others.  Yesterday was one of the harder ones.  Today is better.  It was good that I forgot our LID day. It means I'm not obsessing over them like I used to.  When we got our letter from our agency 19 months ago telling us we were (finally) DTC, it said we could expect to wait between 12 and 18 months.  We now know it will be much(much) longer than that. A huge topic of discussion in our house in the last two months has been whether or not we should try to switch to the special needs program.  Serious discussion.  Long, drawn out, stay up until midnight, soul searching discussion.  And we have come to a decision.  We will stay with the Non-special needs program and wait.  As long as it takes.  I have to believe this will happen. Eventually.  At the end of the day, there weren't enough good reasons why we should switch. Getting a child faster is not a reason.  We both feel we aren't ready emotionally, physically, or financially to support a child with a medical special need.   We are fully aware that our child will have her(or his?) own special needs, simply from living in an institution for the first part of her(his?) life.  Anything above and beyond that we're just not sure we could handle as first time parents.  We have to have faith that we're on the right path.  I just pray that things speed up at least slightly because I'm not sure I can wait another three years.  I'm already seriously considering taking down the nursery. For now.  We will have plenty of time to put it back together.  But we live in a very small space and right now that room is just sitting empty, waiting for a child that feels very far away.   Very, very far away.

19 months

I totally missed our 19 month LID-aversary when I was offline. Totally forgot about it! I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad one.........I'm gonna go with good. Possibly I forgot because we were so busy and the month flew by?

Maybe the next two years will fly by without me noticing too? Ha. Ha. I crack myself up.

The more months that go by the farther away this whole adoption feels.
I let my husband start piling junk up in the baby's room again and I have pretty much barricaded the door. I just can't bear to go in there.

19 months. It is what it is.

Catching Up

I'm Baaaa-aack!  Did ya miss me?  'Cause  I sure missed you all.  Here's what's been going on since I was last able to check in.

I learned I am addicted to the Internet.  Seriously.  I might need a 12 step program.   I had major withdrawals for like two days before I finally stopped obsessing about When. the Internet. was. going.  to come.  back. on.   

I also learned that there are many other things one can do when they are not compulsively on the Internet. Like read books!  And digital scrapbook!  And have a movie marathon all day in my pj's with my husband. And go bargain shopping in L.A. with a friend and find the best. tamales. Ever.  And eat them until you are in a food coma(Thanks D!).  And go to the movies!  

Hmmmm..what else has been going on since I've been gone. Lots of bad stuff. Not for me, but for others.  Like the death toll continuing to rise in China.   I have become slightly obsessed with looking at photos of the damage there.  I don't know why, as it makes me so sad.  My co-worker found these pictures of a couple whose wedding was interrupted by the earthquake.  The pictures are eerie.  But as awful as that must have been, they have to be grateful because they're still alive.  And so many aren't.

And then there's the destruction in Myanmar.  Also very sad.

Not to mention the loss of the Chapman family's little girl.   This one saddened me so much I cried for an hour.   Many years ago I had to attend a funeral for a little boy who died the same way.  His  mother was a good friend of mine. She took her four year old son for a bike ride around the neighborhood.  She was following shortly behind him with her younger son in a stroller.  A teenage boy driving an SUV backed out of his driveway and struck little Joshua as he rode his small bicycle on the sidewalk.  The driver backed completely over him, bike and all, with all four tires of his SUV.  He didn't stop until my friend pounded on his passenger side window, screaming hysterically.  He said he never felt or heard anything.  Possibly because his radio was too loud and the car was too large.  The little boy died in my friend's  arms before the ambulance even arrived.  It was the saddest funeral I have ever attended  in my life.

To this day I never back my car up without looking behind the car.  Never.

Every SUV should be equipped with either a back up camera or a large mirror mounted on the back window. Every single car.  This tragedy happens far more often than people are aware of.  The statistics that I found here are sobering.

So it was kind of a sad week.  Probably a good week for a break from the computer.  I'm so glad to have the use of my computer again though.  And tomorrow is Tuesday already, and I only have to work one day and then I get a day off.  That pretty much rocks.  

I better get going. That was kind of long and my hubby has to go to work in about an hour so I need to spend time with him before I go.  

Next time I'll tell you how my husband's new job is going.  The graveyard shift.  It's tough.

Oh, and don't forget to take a minute to remember those that died(and are still dying) for us.   Because that's important too.

Technical difficulties-no Internet. Be back later.

MeMe

Journeywoman posted this great MeMe, so I'm playing along.

Here's the deal: Go to this site and keep refreshing the page until you find five quotes that speak to you and post them here. I'll admit that I had to refresh the page about twenty times, but I found way more than five that spoke to me. Here are the five that I liked the most:

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.
Comte de Buffon (1707 - 1788)

This one is my favorite!

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 - 1962)

Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness.

Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)

Giving is a necessity sometimes... more urgent, indeed, than having.
Margaret Lee Runbeck

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust (1871 - 1922)

Let me know if you play along!

Addicted

Oh my Gosh, I just had one of these

And now I am addicted. It's a "Go.diva Bel.gian Blends" coffee beverage. French Vanilla Latte flavor.
It was sooooo good. Way better than the similar item that Star.Buck's sells. Like dessert in a bottle(with the added bonus of a little caffeine, for that extra kick, which I so need right now)

I have never seen them before. I bought it at the little cafe at the college where my husband teaches. Only tonight is his last class until the Fall, so we won't be coming here again until late August.

Nooooooo........!

What am I gonna do? I must. have. more.

I'm off to G**gle it and see where (else) I can purchase this heaven in a bottle! :)

For Kayce

I made this book for Kayce. If you read her site, you know that her dog Molly is dying of Cancer. I am so sad for her. I cried making this book. I think it brought up all of the feelings from last summer when our Tess was rapidly deteriorating and finally died. I hope it brings her happy memories and doesn't make her feel sad every time she looks at it. I had to totally stalk her blog to get all those pictures. I mean I had to spend hours on it, going back through the archives and downloading every picture I could find. I could only find the one picture that had Kayce(and one of the dogs) in it. Probably because like me, she's always the one with the camera!

So Kayce, this is for you. It will be in the mail and on it's way to you on Monday.
I'm sorry about Molly. So very sorry..........


Front Cover:



This is the back of the book. I am going to print out the poem "The Rainbow Bridge" on some vellum(opaque paper) and place it over the rainbow picture, so the rainbow shows through.

P.S.  Kayce-I'm sorry if there are more pictures of one dog than the other, but I couldn't tell them apart! I do know the picture on the back is Molly though.

3 Words

I had the worst day.  Work was stressful. It must be a full moon or something, because people were flipping out left and right.  Chill out people! 

Then Joe came to get me from work and we ran out of gas on the way home(the gas gauge is broken on his truck-do you see why I don't want to drive it?).  

Then we stopped by the bank and this dude almost crashed into us while whipping into the parking space we were halfway into already and my husband FREAKED OUT and got out of the car and there was almost a fight in the parking lot.  Our car was blocking oncoming traffic while this was going on and a whole bunch of people saw and were honking at us.  This is truly unlike him.   I think the stress of the last couple of weeks must be getting to him. Seriously.

I, of course, stayed in the car, screaming for them both to knock it off and I was mortified and burst into tears and cried the whole time I was in the bank.

Then we went to dinner and they accidentally put avocado in my enchiladas( I am allergic to Avocado) and I didn't catch it until I had eaten half of it.   It was hidden inside and I was hungry and I asked for it without and I expected them to listen, okay?

So I came home and have been deathly ill ever since.  Deathly.  Ill.  I'll spare you the details of that.

Put a fork in me.  I'm done.

After I wrote this, I felt bad about even posting it.  In fact, I wrote it and erased it and wrote it again because it seemed so insignificant compared to what the people are going through in China right now. 

 I had a bad day.  But it's over now, and I'll live.  I should be thanking God for that, not complaining about my day.  Thank you God, for this day.   Thank you.

Thankful Thursday

1. I am thankful for Bloggy friends that show me such kindness like "Kansas City" did in sending me that wonderful card.  I am still in awe of their kindness.  I also received a very cool bib from Kayce. (I want to post a picture but my camera is dead) Blog friends are the best.

2.  I am thankful tomorrow is Payday.  Finally.

3.  I am thankful that my husband and I have evenings off together, and we are able to go for walks at places like this:

I am so saddened by the destruction and lives lost from the earthquake in China.  My prayers have been with those affected and families who have lost loved ones.  Sometimes I feel so helpless because I wish I could do something, but I don' t know what.  We can't donate money right now. All I can do for them right now is pray.  

It's my day off and with the weather forecast calling for beautiful blues skies and highs close to 80 degrees, my one and only goal today is to get outside. 

 I have to say I was quite spoiled at my last job in that we were outside almost three hours out of every workday. 

Now that I work in an office I find myself craving just being out in the sunshine(although I do sit in front of a very large window facing the mountains, and I am very lucky for that). 

I owe so many people things in the mail.  Pay it forward gifts, secret buddy gifts, items that were ordered from me.  I am so sorry to be so late in getting these items out to their respective owners.  I am headed to the post office right now to take care of several of those packages.

Money has been a little tight around here(that is a gross understatement) the last two weeks, but Friday is payday and I hope to get caught up again soon.  

If there is such a thing. :)

Happy Hump Day!

P.S. Oh, and "Kansas City"-don't think I'm not scouring my bloglines and stat counter trying to find out who you are so I can send you a proper thank you-'cause I am!  I don't do well with surprises and it's killing me that I don't know who you are! :)

Dear Kansas City

Dear Kansas City:

I received your card in the mail today. It instantly caught my attention when my husband brought in the mail. A pink greeting card sized envelope, no return address, just the postmark "Kansas City". My immediate thought was "Now who could this be from?" When I opened it and saw what was written on the front it took my breath away. Here it is:



"Mommy". This can't be for me. I'm not a Mommy. Upon opening the card and reading the first line, tears welled up in my eyes.

"Dear Mommy", it began.
You are waiting for me and I am waiting for you.
God holds me in one arm, very close to his heart,
while he keeps the other arm around your shoulders.
Soon, you will be smiling as the Chinese officials deliver me from God's arms into yours!
Then you, me, and daddy can finally be a family.

Thanks for waiting.
I really am worth the wait!

XXOO,
Your sweet Sophie

I am in constant awe of the kindness of complete strangers I have encountered through this blog. I don't know you. We have never met. And yet you took the time out of your day to send such a wonderful gift to me.

To you it may have been just a card, but to me it was so much more.

I am humbled by your thoughtfulness and kindness towards me. A perfect stranger.

Thank you doesn't even begin to convey the gratitude I have for this random act of kindness.

And yet that's all I have right now. Those two simple words. Thank you.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Mother's Day Fun

Joe and I never made it on that hike on Sunday, because we had an impromptu visit from my cousins and Aunt and Uncle and we got to spend a little while with them hanging out at Starbuck's. Afterwards Joe and I took a drive down the coast. There was no better way for me to have spent Mother's Day than with my family and I'm so glad we finally connected(after we got lost for half an hour!) What a perfect Mother's Day.

3 Words

And for those of you celebrating.........

Friday. Yay! And also Blah.

Today was such a blah day.  The weather was gray and gloomy.  Work was kind of slow.  Overall I just felt blah.  I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or what. I've had that lingering headache for the last three days(even though I picked up my hormone patch last night-hurray!).  

It's eight o'clock and I just got out of the bath tub and I'm  laying on my couch feeling, well, Blah.  I really hope I'm not getting sick.

I'm supposed to spend the entire day tomorrow at a friend's one year old's birthday party.  I'm going early to help out, and staying late because I don't have a car, so I really need to be feeling better than I am feeling right now.

 I think I'll be okay after a good night's sleep. I have a feeling it's just a flare up of the kidney disease. 

 The kidney disease that I cannot afford to see a doctor for right now due to  the pre-existing conditions clause my insurance company placed on me.  

Bl.ue Cr.oss sucks.   Actually, from personal experience I find that most in.surance companies suck. 

 I'm not spelling anything out because I don't want people coming to my blog by googling 

"Bl.ue Cr.oss sucks". 

 Did you you know two people found their way here this week after Googling "I hate Mother's Day"?

Nice.  

Did I really say that I hated Mother's Day?  

Gosh.  Angry much? 

For the record, I don't hate Mother's Day. It's just a hard day for me and it makes me sad. 

Sometimes anger is an easier emotion for me to verbalize than sadness.

I do know that one day in the future Mother's Day will be a joyous day for me. 

And I am capable of being happy for those that I know who have their Moms, or are Moms.

After all, I am spending the entire day tomorrow at a friend's house, celebrating her daughter's first birthday.  And she's pregnant again, and I am thrilled for her. Especially since we met through an infertility support group.  That makes the celebration and the pregnancy even sweeter.  Hi Lynn!  See you tomorrow!

Someday it will be me. Someday.  Until then we'll wait. And I will try  not to be so angry.  

Have a great Mother's Day weekend.

And people-

If you have your Mom

Or you are a Mom

Be grateful.  

Very, very grateful.

Thankful Thursday

My first night alone went fine. Honestly, once I got to sleep I didn't even know he was gone. I did get quite a scare though, when he came home early. He wasn't supposed to come home until it was time for me to get up but they let him off early because he is still training and I about had a heart attack when he climbed into bed at 5:15. It's a good thing we don't have a weapon in the house!

It's Thankful Thursday, so here are mine for the day.

1. I am thankful my husband found a job. We have been really struggling.
2. I am thankful the headache I had for the last three days has gotten better. I'm picking up my patch tonight so hopefully that will make it disappear completely.
3. I am thankful for my job.
4. I am thankful we have a car. I can't wait to get mine fixed(eight more days!), but at least we have one working car.

I have decided to have a positive attitude about Mother's Day.

I don't have to celebrate it. I can be sad that I don't have my Mom or my baby.

But I don't have to let it ruin my weekend either.

We're going to go for a hike in Laguna Canyon, and then to the Movies.

Those are the two places we decided we are the least likely to run into too many other daughter-mom celebrations.

We will NOT be going out to eat that day. We went to brunch one year, Joe and I(a few years back) and I sat at the table and cried because we were the ONLY people there not having lunch with our Mothers or our children.

Everyone keeps saying that I should celebrate Mother's Day because I'm GOING to be a Mom, but I'm sorry. I just don't feel it. I've been celebrating "going to be a mom" for seven years now. I'm ready to actually celebrate BEING one now. These are just my feelings. You don't have to agree with them.

And please don't ask me why we won't be celebrating Mother's Day with my in laws. That's a whole other Oprah. One which you will never hear(see) me writing about here.

Sick Day

Today was my day off, but I'm calling it a sick day because I don't feel good and I did absolutely nothing today. Unless you count sleep as something. And I don't. I still have a nasty headache. I've had it for three days now. I'm not sure what's causing it, but Tylenol is not helping at all and I wish it would just go away already. It could be hormonal, as I ran out of my Estro.gen patch three days ago and haven't gotten around to getting the prescription refilled.

I have to pay out of pocket for it because I am still fighting with my insurance company about the pre-existing conditions clause they imposed on me. Ugh.

I'm trying to keep up a positive attitude but it's hard when you don't feel good and Mother's Day is four days away.

I'm becoming anxious about my husband starting his new job. I don't like to sleep in a house all alone. It scares me. I live in a very safe neighborhood, and I really have very little reason to fear, but I'm still nervous.

In my whole life I think I have only ever spent the night completely alone two times. Two times! In thirty seven years! One of those was the night my nephew was born and I had to go back to my sister's house and look after the dogs while Scott and Lisa spent the night at the hospital.

I'm not counting the hotel room in China, where I spent six nights alone, because there are lots of other people in the rooms around you and my sister and family was one floor up. Or down. I can't remember exactly.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing. It'll be alright. It's something I just need to adjust to. Right? After all, don't forget about my watchdog, Cujo:

You do not want to tangle with her. She will mess you up!

I really don't have much. I'm tired. I woke up with a headache and in a funk. Why does that happen? I was late to work because Joe missed the exit and I wasn't paying attention. We're trying a new route, which avoids the toll roads because it is costing us ten dollars a day for Joe to drive me to work and pick me up. We can't afford ten dollars a day plus gas. Sharing a car is getting old. Very old. It is causing many fights between the two of us, either because he's making me late to work in the morning, or showing up late in the evening to pick me up. We do not need anymore excuses to fight. Trust me. I'm starting to get sad about Mother's Day. I hate Mother's Day. I don't have a Mom. I am not a Mom. I guess it's kind of like Valentine's Day for people who don't have a Valentine. Last year on Mother's Day weekend I had a hysterectomy. At least then I was drugged. Heh. I'll snap out of it, I'm sure. I owe a bunch of people stuff in the mail. I promise I will get to it this week. Because we're car sharing, I'm sitting right now in my husband's night class wishing it was 9:30 so I could go home and watch American Idol. Tomorrow is my day off. Yay. Gosh. That really was boring. Sorry.

Oh! I almost forgot. My husband is finally starting the job he was hired for over three weeks ago on Wednesday. Thank goodness. That means in a couple of weeks he'll get a paycheck for said job. Boy do we need that.

3 Words

Sum up your week in three little words.
“You can sing it, you can say it, you can write it, you can draw it. It can be funny or sad or poignant as long as it’s honest.”It has been a very relaxing three day weekend for me. I slept late. I cleaned the house. I did some laundry and packaged up some things I need to ship out.

I made some home made iced tea that turned out so yummy that I don't think I'll ever buy pre-made tea again.

All I did was heat up a pot of water in our teapot on the stove. After it boiled I poured it into a pitcher and placed six teabags in it and let it steep. I used Peach tea-yum!

While the tea steeped, I made a simple sugar solution to sweeten it. You can't sweeten iced tea with regular sugar because it doesn't dissolve properly.

I put 2 C of water and 2 C of sugar in a pan on the stove and brought it to a boil, stirring it until all of the sugar was dissolved. After reaching a boil I took it off of the stove top and let it cool.

I took the teabags out of the pitcher and poured half the tea into another pitcher.
I added half the simple sugar mixture to each pitcher and added ice.

It turned out sooooo good. Now I have two pitchers of iced tea for the price of six teabags and 2 cups of sugar. I know you can make "sun tea" in the same fashion, but I didn't have six hours to wait while the tea steeped. I will be making this again for sure.

Don't forget to go and bid on some items in the online auction. I so much want to make a difference in the life of this child.

Happy Sunday!

We Can Make a Difference

I do a fair share of complaining and whining on this blog. I am aware of it. I'm not proud of it, and much of it is due to depression, but I still do it.

And yet there other things going on in this world that are far more important than the fact that I didn't have a car for a couple of weeks.

Like the plight of some orphans in China. I know I've posted about this before, but there is a wonderful organization The Starfish Foster Home, that does some amazing work with special needs children in China. I'll let you go over there and read about the wonderful work that they do.

Red MaryJanes is doing a fundraiser right now to help raise funds for the considerable costs of surgery for several specific children.

One of the participants of this fundraiser, Daleea, is holding an auction for one baby in particular.

Meet Ya Xing Kai


Is she not precious?

She is living in an orphanage in China. She has Spina Bifida and needs a life changing surgery.
Daleea is holding an online auction to raise the $3000-$5000 needed for Ya Xing to have her surgery.

I am unable to donate money or even bid on some of the items right now. I wish that wasn't the case.

I can't do those things, but what I can do is donate something to help her raise money.

So that's what I did.

I donated one of my 12X12 canvas wall art pieces to Daleea's auction to help her raise money for this child.

We can make a difference. One child at a time.

So go on over there and bid on some of the awesome items she has up for bid. Especially mine, O.K.? Because I really want to help raise some money for this little girl.

Thank you.

Here is the Auction site:


(click on picture)

For Lia

Here's one of the items that was ordered from me this month. I'll be shipping it out tomorrow. I hope she likes it........

Thankful Thursday

1. I am thankful we have a car. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for this. Well, actually I just did.

2. I am thankful to have a three day weekend. Yay for conferences!

3. I am thankful for my job. I really enjoy my job. I remember when I didn't have a job. I am lucky to have one.

4. I am thankful for this blog. I have come in contact with so many cool people through this blog. Some of them in real life, and others in cyberspace. So cool.

5. I am thankful for a little extra income that has been generated lately through my creative talents. I have had four people order items from me in the last month! I really enjoy making things for people and am so lucky that I can actually make a little money doing it.

Three whole days off and not one thing planned. LOVE weekends like that!

I am exhausted.  

All we did today was drive from one place to another, over 60 miles total, trying to get some necessary things done and return cars to people who so graciously lent them to us. 

Tired.

But guess what?

We now have one operable car!  Yay us!  Seriously, I'm doing a happy dance over here.  What a huge relief.

The only bummer is that it is Joe's car that got fixed, and not mine and I can't drive his car because I don't know how to drive a stick shift.

I know, I know, I need to learn to drive a stick.  I really do.  But I'm scared. Don't give me a hard time.  O.K.?

Joe says he is going to give me lessons this weekend.  That should be interesting.  

In the meantime, the car sharing continues, only now I am completely reliant on him to get me to and fro.  I'm very independent, so this is going to drive me crazy.

But still!  We have a working car!  And as soon as our tax rebate comes, we're getting my car fixed, so not much longer. 

(Am I the only one who totally searched the internet to find out exactly when our tax rebate is going to be mailed? Because I did.  And I know the exact date the check will arrive at our house.)

I'm off to make dinner and just chill knowing that 

Dude!  We have a car!

There's Hope

Kayce turned me on to this song(the one that's playing) and I got it off of ITunes and I played it over and over and over yesterday, as loud as I possibly could. I'm feeling better. I have a car to get to work for the first part of the week. One of our cars should be fixed by Tuesday(fingers crossed). I am unbelievably grateful to the wonderful friends and family I have. I am very lucky. I had not one, not two, but three different offers from people to lend me a car until we can get ours fixed. I have received supportive comments, and e-mails, and even a phone call from someone I have never even met(Thanks K!) letting me know that people care and they are thinking of me and to keep my chin up. How can I not feel better, after all that positive energy aimed my way? I'm moving forward. This up and down stuff, it's draining. But it's the nature of the depression from which I suffer. It's going to happen. I just have to try and ride the wave until it evens out again. A change in meds is also in order so perhaps that will help too. I had a great weekend and I'm off this Friday(another conference), so this will be a better week than last. For sure.

3 Words

Here is the three word photo I submitted to the slideshow for this week:


But here are the three words that truly sum up the past week for me:


Yes, the sadness is lasting a long time this time. (My)Depression is like that. It ebbs and flows. Lately it has been flowing a lot. We're dealing with it. It will pass. It always does. When it does, I'll be back. But for now I think the break should continue. I just didn't want to miss the 3 words this week.

18 months

I don't have much more to say about it. It is what it is. 18 months down with no end in sight. I'm still taking a break. It might be a long one this time. Not having a lot of luck with the positive energy. I'm just feeling sad. Very very sad.

Bullets

--Still no car

--Thankful for friends and family for lending us one to get to work this week.

--Next week it'll be the bus. I'm dead serious.

--Taking a wee break. It's better for everyone when I'm this down to disappear for awhile.

--Trying to take a cue from this gal and muster up some positive energy.

--Wish me luck.

--Bye for now.

3 Words Sunday

And the funk continues.......

My car died on my husband's way home from work.

It's the only operable car we have right now.

We do not have the money right this minute to fix it. And that's when it needs to be fixed. Right this minute.

It's not the battery like we were hoping it would be.

I am freaking out because I don't know how I'm going to get to work tomorrow(or the day after that, or the day after that).

Sigh.

Feeling Better

I'm out of my funk. Well, almost. I'm just about back to my smiling, sunny self. Stop laughing.
Hey, you want something to laugh about? Take a gander at this photo I found at my Dad's house. I'll call this "Flashback Friday":
This was taken circa 1990. I think we had been dating for a year. If that.
Hold on. I need a minute. Bwahahahahahahaha! Dude! What's up with our hair? I think possibly Joe was trying to make himself slightly taller? And me? I understand the desire for long hair, but someone could have kindly pointed out to me that a trim once in a while is not a bad thing! And dude. We were skinny.

And just to share the humiliation, here's one of my Sees-ter and her husband at the same wedding:
Happy Friday!

If you were here....

Hey Mom.

It's me.

Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday!

If you were here, I'd come over and we'd go shopping.

If you were here, I'd bring you flowers. Carnations. Because those were your favorites.

If you were here I'd bake you one of my famous(heh) triple decker chocolate cakes and you would have to inject more insulin just so you could have a piece!

If you were here we would all go out to dinner to celebrate.

But you're not here and it feels like you've been gone for a very long time. I guess eleven years is a very long time, but it feels longer.

So I guess we'll just stay home and do nothing but light a candle and think about how much we wish you were here.

Miss you.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Me

In a Funk

I'm in some kind of funk and subsequently fallen into a blogger's slump.  Hey, that rhymed.  I've had kind of a rough week. It isn't attributed to one thing, but a combination of a lot of things.  I'm fighting with my health insurance company over their unwillingness to provide me with the health insurance I deserve.  Did you know that if you have a major health problem and you don't have any health insurance then you aren't eligible to obtain insurance?  It's ridiculous.  Reading that sentence you probably figured out that I had to let my Co.Bra insurance lapse.  I had no choice.  My husband lost his job and we simply couldn't afford the (over)one thousand dollar a month cost.  I wasted over six hundred dollars on a short term plan that was supposed to ensure that I would be eligible once my insurance at work kicked in.  They lied.  It's os frustrating and stressful.  My husband lost his job over three months ago and was only last week able to find something to tide us over until the new semester starts again(in August!). Him starting a new job is in itself unsettling for me.  He's working the graveyard shift.  So he'll teach at the one school he has left during the day, and then he'll work overnight shifts at a local retail store.  I have mixed feelings about this. I am grateful he found a job. I am.  We're having a very hard time without the pay from the job he lost.  It's the shift I'm worried about.  Sure, I'll be sleeping when he's gone, but I'm not too keen on being in our apartment alone all night.  I don't sleep well when he's not there(even if it's just in the next room).  And then there's the fact that he'll be asleep during the day.  Yes, I'll be at work for the most part during this time,  but I'm worried he won't have time to do anything around the house or take care of the things that we have designated his responsibilities because he'll literally either be at work or sleeping.  I'll grow accustomed to it I'm sure. We both will.  But we're trying so hard to work through some of the problems in our marriage (for the most part successfully) and there are so many extra stressors right now.  I'm so grateful to have weekends like last week to get away and have some fun but sometimes it makes it extra hard to come back to all of the stress, only to find things piling up even more.  We'll get through this.  I know.  I'm just feeling a bit down and in a funk.  I'll snap out of it.

For Laura

This is a project I have been working on for a few weeks now, and finally just finished today. Back when I had my "Pay it Forward" challenge, I only had two takers. One was Lea from Oh My #6, and the other was Laura from "Journey to Amanda". I was so glad that Laura decided to take part, because I had been planning on making her something special as a Thank you for taking over both our October Yahoo group, and our secret buddy project. You see, myself and one other person used to be in charge of the Secret Buddy Exchange. After awhile it became too much for me to handle, even though I was sharing the job with another person! Laura graciously stepped up to take over the daunting task all by herself. Did I mention she is a single Mom to two beautiful daughters, and is LID for another one? I am in awe of her. I'm going to have my hands full with one child, and I will have a companion to share in the parenting duties! I don't know how she(or any other of you single moms) do it. Kudos to you guys. Seriously. I am not worthy.


So anyway, Laura, I made this for you, both as a thank you and as the pay it forward gift that I owe you. I totally had to stalk your blog to download all of those pictures. I hope you don't have a site meter! Hee!

The project itself is a standing tabletop triptych collage with pictures of Laura and her family and quotes printed on vellum.
It is meant to be interactive, in that each panel has a pocket with removable tags that you take out to look at the pictures and quotes.
The middle panel has a very cool shelf that has a mini fold out book on it, with tiny little pictures and quotes. I tried to put as many pictures on it as I could. I hope it doesn't look too crowded.
I even left several small tags and one large tag empty so she can add pictures of Amanda to it(some day). I truly enjoyed making this and am quite happy with the way it turned out. Here are some pics:
The whole project


The left side panel closeup:


The middle panel, with "shelf" and mini book:
The right side panel closeup:
Mini book closeup:
The empty tags for pictures of Amanda:

Pull out tags w/pictures and quotes:




I take no credit for the actual design of this projectt. It was offered as a class at the Scrapbook Expo that I took with my sister a couple months ago. All I did was put it together. You can even buy the kit here: Quick Quotes website

3 Words Sunday

Tagged

Well, I wasn't actually tagged, but I'm bored and this one's been going around and Dannye told anyone who hadn't done it yet to consider themselves tagged, so here goes......

Four jobs I've had:
1. Preschool Teacher
2. After school care director
3. Front office for an orthodontist.
4. I’ve only had three types of jobs in my entire life!

Four shows I watch:
1. Dancing with the Stars
2. American Idol
3. Medium
4. Eli Stone

Four Places I have been:
1. China-Can. Not. Wait. to go back!
2. Mexico
3. Over half of the states in the US
4. San Francisco-many, many(many) times

Four favorite foods:
1. Mexican-I could eat it every night
2. Bagels-I actually do eat one everyday
3. Smoothies
4. Pizza

Four Cd's I've recently listened to:
1. Rent Soundtrack-Original Broadway version. I can recite the entire thing word for word.
2. James Taylor
3. Dixie Chicks
4. Tracy Chapman



Four things you can do to make my day:
1. tell us when we are getting our referral(-totally stole this one from Dannye)
2. Bring me Flowers
3. Tell me I look like I’ve lost weight(even though I soooooo have not. )LOL!
4. Offer to do my laundry! (My husband does this for me all the time)

Since most people I know have already been tagged with this, if you'd like to play along, consider yourself tagged...


P.S. Sometimes I like to look back through the archives and see what was going on in my life a year ago. This is what I was doing a year ago this weekend. Gosh that was fun. We should plan on getting together again. Some of those girls are getting(slightly) closer to a referral and I am so excited for them! Who would have thought a year later they still would not have their babies. Not me. And not them either!

There's No Place Like Home

I made it safely home last night.  My poor husband.  He missed me so much and was so happy to see me and all I did in the car on the way home was go on and on about how much fun I had and then totally burst into tears and said I wanted to move to San Francisco to be closer to my sister and niece and nephew and they have lots of colleges up North and why can't he get a job there?  

Today I even looked online at apartments for rent.  I know this will pass and I'm not quite ready to leave the job that I love and everything that is familiar to me, but I really do wish we lived closer.

Even though I didn't want to come home, I did miss my husband, and my dog and our home.  

It was back to the grind today, and we were crazy busy, so the day just flew by, which is a good thing and tomorrow is Friday already!

Today is Thankful Thursday, so here are mine for today:

1.  Something I have been praying for over the last four months happened today, and I am so thankful for it.  I promised my husband I would(try to) cool it with the personal details of our lives on this here blog, but it has to do with him, and our financial situation and it is such a relief that it finally happened.  I was beginning to think it never would.

2.  I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to take that trip and that I had such a great time and that the trip was made safely.

3.  I'm thankful that tomorrow is Friday. Short work weeks rock!

Bloggy Friend Fun

Today was such a fun day. Lisa and Grace and I(Cameron had school) met up with some local Northern CA bloggers at neat little farm. I got to see Mary-Mia, Stacey(pw), and Donna(Double Happiness-pw) again, plus I finally got to meet Kayce. I felt like I already knew her. Blogs are so cool. I wish I lived closer to these wonderful women. Of course I got to see Rose and Marie, Ryleigh(Stacey's daughter), and Maddy and Gwen(Donna's daughters), so I got my kid fix too. Lucky me. They're all so cute and growing up so fast. We got some cute pictures of all of the girls, but since two of the blogs are password protected I won't post that picture here. I think it's okay to post the grown up picture though. So here we are:
Fellow bloggers and China adoptive Moms(two of us waiting).
















Left to right: Stacey, Me, Kayce, Lisa, Mary Mia, Donna

Thanks Stacey and Kayce for making the long drive to meet up with us! I'm going to be up your way for a week this summer, so maybe we can meet in your stomping grounds then. I had such a good time.

Oh, Stacey's husband Mark and son Austin, as well as her Mom and Mary-Mia's mom and dad were there too. They got the fun job of keeping an eye on all the kiddos so us girls could gab all we wanted.

I heart my blogger buddies.

I go home tomorrow. Sob!

3 Word Sunday

HAVING A BLAST

WITH THESE TWO










Okay, that was six words. Not sure I'll be able to get this one into the slideshow this week, as I'm on Lisa's computer and can;t figure out how to get the text on to the photo. Bummer. We're off to Chuck E. Cheese's. And yes, I have lost my mind. But it's sprinkling and we can't go to the park. Wish me luck.

Having a Ball

Operation "Watching the kids by myself" is going swimmingly. O.K., I was going to let you think I was here all by myself, and that I had everything under control all by myself, but I guess I should admit that my Dad is here with me. But still! Usually I have my husband here to give me a break and I'm totally up here without him this time. This morning we went to Cameron's baseball game, and then Lisa and Scott hit the road and we went to the movies. We saw "Nim's Island". It was pretty cute. For dinner I had a half(eaten) hot dog that Gracie didn't want, some popcorn, and a sour licorice. Wasn't I just saying I was going to try and eat better? Maybe tomorrow. Oh, and I'm totally psyched because on Tuesday I'm getting together with some local bloggers, some of which I have never met. Is it weird to be excited to be meeting people you "met" on the internet? No? Good. Because I am. Totally excited. Send good thoughts to me that the kids sleep until at least 7:00. 7:30 would be even better! :)

Tired

I am sooooo tired. I slept maybe four hours last night. Last minute running around, doing laundry, packing. I leave directly from work tonight and head to the airport and won't be arriving at my see-ster's until close to eleven. It's okay though, because I plan on getting plenty of rest and sleeping in every day while I'm there. Ha! I crack myself up. I'm watching the kids overnight on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll be nice and wiped out by Sunday night. I'm hoping to get a little bloggy get -together action early in the week, so I'm really looking forward to that.

Thankful Thursday

As you may have guessed, yesterday I had a massage.  Ahhhhhh.........I felt so good afterwards.  As I mentioned before, I had been seeing a chiropractor after I injured  my back a few weeks ago. If helped me greatly and the injury is almost completely healed.  They have a massage therapist on site, and my chiropractor suggested I get one to help improve my circulation.  Well come to find out you can get a 30 minute massage for only ten dollars more than the cost of the chiropractic visit.    I was all over that!  And aside from the co-pay, it will be completely covered by my insurance.  Oh yeah.  Anyway, so here are some things I am thankful for this week:

1.  Massages

2. Bloggy friends. Lea over at Oh My #6! sent me a cute little notebook to thank me for the "Pay it forward" gift I sent her.  Totally unnecessary, but greatly appreciated!  I'll try to post a pic as soon as I find my camera.

3.  Days off.  How I heart my day off.

4.  Job interviews(for my hubby).  He had two job interviews this week and I really, really(really) hope one of them pans out.

5. I am thankful that tomorrow I am getting on a plane and going back to my sees-ters house for five whole days.  Woo Hoo!

What are you thankful for?

Wordless Wednesday