I was feeling a little bit sad earlier today. If there is one holiday that is centered completely around children, it is Halloween. I even offerred to work late, since someone called in sick and I was the only one working that didn't have to rush home and get my little one ready to go trick or treating. Even a couple of my co-workers who are older had grandchildren or nieces and nephews to spend Halloween with. We have no one. I did get a couple of invites from some friends of mine to come over to their house for Halloween, and I do appreciate that. Thanks! The only problem is, sometimes that makes me feel even more sad. I often feel like I am an outsider looking in. I truly believed last Halloween would be the last one we would spend without a child. I never imagined we would be almost four years into this "journey" with no end in sight. To top it all off, Halloween kicks off the whole holiday season, another one we will go through without having started our family. So I was feeling pretty sad when I came home from work. But then I decided to snap out off it. I made some really yummy homemade Dim Sum with chicken fried rice for dinner. Then I decided if I didn't have a child to dress up, I would do the next best thing. That's right, I dressed up my dog! And you know what? I felt much better after that! So here for your amusement are pictures of my dog dressed up as a ladybug!(And yes, I DID make the costume myself!)

Yes, she is as freaked out as she looks! Happy Halloween!

Joe and I returned about an hour ago from Oak Glen. It is so beautiful there. I had decided last week that I wanted to do something "fall like" this weekend, so this is what we decided on. We tasted a variety of apples, had some yummy apple doughnuts, and bought apple-cherry cider and some mulling spices. I really wanted to buy an apple pie, but the only two places we saw that were selling them had lines around the building! Too bad I'm not a more patient person. Oh well, I'll have to settle for some apple pie from Polly's when I go visit Dad next weekend! Here are some: pictures. I am feeling much better today, so if I was sick it must have been a 48 hour bug(does such a thing exist?). Or maybe I'm just feeeling better because of the extra hour of sleep! You gotta love that! I also posted some pictures of Joe's birthday(which was two weeks ago. Where does the time go?). Birthday pictures. I'm going to bed now. I still am feeling awfully tired, and even though the clock says 8:32, my body thinks it is 9:32.

It looks as though I solved the picture posting problem by switching to Flickr. Check out my earlier posts and let me know if it doesn't work for you. Not much happening today. Lunch with Dad, and not much else. I think I may be coming down with something. I came home and slept for 2 and 1/2 hours, which is not like me at all unless I am having an extraordinary amount of pain(which I am not). If I am getting sick, it would explain my exhaustion for the last three days. I seriously almost fell asleep at trunk or treat last night, but I thought that was because I was at work for 13 hours straight. Now I'm thinking I might be coming down with something. I hate being sick during my "good" times of the month. I feel like I'm being cheated out of the short amount of time where I feel O.K. This is the second time in two months that I have gotten sick. (Those darn kids!)It's not like me at all. Maybe my immune system is not what it should be from all of the depression/stress these last few months. I'll have to stock up on vitamin C I guess.

The pain is starting to creep in again. It comes quietly, in the middle of the night and settles into my lower abdomen. A dull, aching pain that in the next 10 days will increase in severity until I am bedridden. I can't have another month like the last one. I have to try and stay positive. I have to take one day at a time, and try to get as many things done early, when the pain is still minimal. I am still awaiting the phone call from my doctor's office about the surgery. It MUST happen before Christmas. The pain is what's leading to my depression spiraling out of control every month for the last four months.



P.S. I don't know what's up with my pictures. Ofoto is making me sign in all of a sudden to view them, which means no one can view them, because I am keeping them in a private album. I can't share the album, because the pictures went onto Lisa's site and I don't know her password. (I don't know why this keeps happening! My computer must have saved her e-mail address and automatically posst my pictures to her site. It's so frustrating.) I am going to try another site like photo bucket and see if that solves the problem.

I have just returned home from the annual Trunk or Treat event held at my school. People park their cars in the school parking lot and decorate their trunks. Then the kids come around trick or treating in their costumes. I have been participating in this event for 6 years now. As always, I had a blast. This year, my trunk leaned on the creepy side. I decorated the inside of my car like a graveyard, with skeltons coming out of the graves. Here's a close up. This year I had a little help from my co-worker and one of the Kindergarten teachers I am friends with. Some of the other people go all out. A very popular theme this year was pirates. More pirates here. Some people even park two cars together to create more elaborate scenes. All in all it was a very fun night, but I arrived there at 6:45 this morning and left at 7:30 p.m. so I am very tired and am going to bed promptly.


P.S. It is amazing how something can take hours to set up, yet only a few minutes to take down!

I just came from dinner with my infertility group and had so much fun! If someone had told me when I started this "journey" that I would join a support group to help me deal and that those people whould become my friends, I would have said "No, I don't think so(about joining the group, not about the friend part). In fact, Lisa had been trying to get me to join a support group for months before I finally decided to try it. I thought to myself, I don't want to be in THAT club. I don't want to be one of THEM(an infertile person). But you know what? I am in that club, and I am one of them. It wasn't by choice, but I believe everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't joined that group I wouldn't have met such a wonderful group of women who I can now call my friends. If there is one good thing that has come out of this, it is that. We went to a very good restaurant called Shabu. It is an interesting Japanese restaurant where you cook your food ion your own pot of boiling water.
Picture.
Here we all are at the end of our meal. I won't name everyone to protect their privacy. There is one girl absent, and she was sorely missed. We all wish her well and hope she will decide to come to one of our future meetings. I am already looking forward to meeting again!

Kind of a boring day. I'm still feeling good, and for that I am grateful. It looks like I'm going to have to go ahead and get another C-Pap machine. I don't know why the link in the last post didn't work. I posted pictures of it there. Oh well. I'm kind of bummed. I really don't like sleeping with that thing on my face. If anyone has any other alternatives that they know of, please let me know! I'm off to make dinner so we can go for our walk. I am really trying to get more exercise. I don't know why it's so hard for me.

I wish today was as good a day as yesterday, but hey it can't be all roses and sunshine all of the time. I still haven't had any pain(which is actually normal for me at this stage in my cycle). I went to the doctor today to talk about my thyroid. I'm kind of bummed because it turns out my thyroid is low, not high(there was a mix up with the nurse, I don't know what happened). so much for all of my symptoms! He thinks that I am having two major issues. 1) Lack of sleep, and 2) an undue amount of stress. It took all of me not to say Ummm...Duh! Ya think? He also thinks that without treating my sleep apnea, the sleep issues will not be resolved. And how does he plan on treating the sleep apnea, you might ask? Why with a C Pap machine of course! It took all of me to sit there calmly and not go running from the room screaming at the top of my lungs Noooooo.....! I have had one of these horrible contraptions before. I wore it for a whole year. It was awful. For those of you that have never seen one of these contraptions, here it is: C pap. Yes, it is as bad as it looks! Most nights I would wake up and it would be on the floor, with no recollection of how it got there. I was ripping it off in my sleep. That's how bad it was! Ummm...did I also mention we were having infertility problems? That ugly machine is NOT conducive to an intimate enviornment! Unfortunatley he has no other solutions for me regarding that problem. Well, he did say I could go see a dentist who could fit me with some kind of mouthpiece, but my dental insurance sucks, so I won't be doing that anytime soon. I can only deal with one thing at a time, and right now it is my surgery for the endo. The doc also feels I need to deal with some of my emotional issues to see if it helps some of my physical ones(depression, anxiety, insomnia). That's what I've been trying to do! Oh well. I guess I was hoping he would say you are feeling this way because of this(insert medical condition here). Let's do this(insert solution here) and you'll feel fine. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Nothing ever is! So it's back to the psychiatrist(a different one) to revaluate my meds. Who knows, maybe the change in thyroid medicine will do something! I have to hold on to that faith I was talking about yesterday!

I have to post a quick comment to the last post. In my last post I said "All I have is hope, and it's better than nothing." Well, I thought about it, and I realized that isn't true. Hope is not the only thing I have. I have Faith too. And Love! So, actually, I have Hope, Faith, AND Love! And what more could anybody ask for than that?

We have just finished dinner, and I am writing a quick post before we go for a walk. We had one of our favorite meals, Potato Tacos. Yes, they are as bad for you as they sound! Fried Potatoes, served on fried corn tortillas, smothered with cheese, sour cream, and salsa. Yummy! They are not the most healthful meal, which is why we only partake in them once every two to three months. I had another great day today. No pain. For the fourth day in a row! I think we may we headed towards a record here. (Don't worry, I'm not counting down in my head how many "good" days I have left this month. O.K. That was a lie. Of course that's what I am doing. I'm just trying not to dwell on it so much. It's eight days left for those of you trying to figure it out also.) I will be calling the doctor on Friday to schedule my surgery. Well, I'll have to wait for them to call me back to actually schedule it, but at least it's going to get the ball rolling. At the most, I will only have to go through one more cycle like the last three, and I intend on obtaining some Perocet so I don't go through what I did last month. I also promised both my therapist AND my husband that if the pain gets that bad again, I WILL go to the emergency room, no matter how badly I don't want to. I have decided that I like my therapist too much to let a stupid thing like her being pregnant make me stop seeing her. It's hard to build that kind of relationship with someone, and it isn't worth throwing away because of some sadness or anger I might have at seeing her get bigger and bigger each month. I can deal with those feelings as they come up. Right now I'm just grateful to have her. I need for some of these issues I have been dealing with to be resolved. The chronic pain, the depression it causes, the feelings of hopelessness over the infertility. It has gone on long enough. I want my life back, even if it means it will be without kids for the time being. I pray this surgery works for me. I have hope that it will. Hope is all I have right now, but it's better than nothing.

Today was another good day. I went to church this morning. I have to admit, I haven't been to church in a while. Mostly because I haven't been feeling well. I love my church. The music is great, and the message is always relevant to what's going on on my life. I love both pastors and the environment is friendly. I am going to make more of an effort to go every single week. I had lunch with a friend afterwards. A looooooong lunch. I think we were there for 2 hours talking! It was good to have someone to talk to about some of the things I have been going through lately. When I finally got home, Joe and I played tennis. I am seriously going to look into taking lessons. I have improved some, but I need to learn the correct way to hold the racket, hit the ball, etc. before I learn any bad habits I'll have to break later. We went grocery shopping for the week after that, then I came home and made dinner. Turkey burgers. Yum! Now it's off to do some laundry before settling in for the night. No pain again today. Woo Hoo!

Sometimes it's hard to find things to post about every day. Especially if not much is happening. It's interesting that I am much more prone to posting when I'm not feeling well. I think there are two reasons for this. 1) I am home more. I can go several days without ever leaving the house when I am having a lot of pain. 2) Being in chronic pain messes with your head and exhausts you and it is when I am feeling that way that I need to vent. Had another good day today. Two in a row. All right! No pain today. Yay! Had lunch with Dad, then went to a Pampered Chef party that a friend hosted. I had a great time. I only went to show support, as I don't cook elaborate meals on a regular basisand didn't plan on purchasing anything. It's funny how you start to think you need all of these gadgets when you see them being used! We made some really yummy Dim Sum that I will definitely be making for Joe. I didn't get home until 7:00. I'm planning on going to church in the morning, and then having coffee with a friend afterwards. Weekends go by so much faster when you're busy. (Unlike last weekend, when I was in horrible pain and then stayed home sick on Monday too). I hope to have the surgery within the next month, so hopefully I will only have to endure one more cycle like that, and I will be obtaining sufficient pain medication by that time.

Today was a really good day. Write down the date! Michelle had a good day! I had no pain today. Work was very mellow. It is sometimes like that on Fridays. I went to the lab and had my blood drawn again, so now I won't get in trouble on Tuesday when I see the doctor(I wasn't sure I was going to get it done on time.) I came home and had a lovely dinner with my husband. We turned off the T.V. and had a long talk. Two hours long! We talked about our day, about my decision regarding this blog, about kids, even about when we met. I'm so lucky I am married to someone that I still really enjoy just talking to after almost 17 years together. Now we are going to sit down and catch up on some of the shows wwe missed this week. Then I will be going to bed early. Getting up at 3:30 sure makes you tired by 8:00! I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight.
See! I CAN write a post without being depressing and whiny!

It is 5:00 a.m. and here I am, posting to my blog. I've been up since 3:30 a.m. This insomnia is kicking my butt big time. I have a doctor's appt. on Tuesday to discuss changing my thyroid med. Hopefully that will resolve the insomnia issues. Man, I hope so. Aside from the tirade on my blog yesterday, I had a pretty good day. I started, so the pain is gone. Poof! Just like that the pain is gone. That always amazes me, how I can go from excruciating pain for 12 days straight, to feeling just peachy the next. It's a baffling disease. Now I have a favor to ask. It is for any of you that read my blog on a semi-regular basis. I need to ask you something. The little speech I made yesterday was directed at one person specifically. It's personal, so I won't go into it further, but I need to know how other people feel about the stuff I write on my blog. The depressing stuff. The days on end where I am in horrible pain and depressed, and simply have nothing nice to say. Does it piss you off that I write that stuff? Does it offend you in some way? Does it bring you down? Because I'm trying to decide what to do. I had pretty much already made up my mind that I was going to start a new blog that would be sort of like a journal, one which I would not share the address to. After a long talk with my husband, I am waivering on that decision. First off, let me say Gosh I love that man! He is simply the best. He always listens to me, no matter how sad or irrational I may be, and he always says the most insightful things. I would be lost without him. Long story short, he says I should continue posting to my blog in the manner to which you have become accustomed. He says that anyone that doesn't like it should keep their narrow-minded, nasty opinions to themselves and blow it out their ear!(Edited for not so nice content). After a lot of soul searching, I have decided he is right. No one is forcing you to read this. I am not holding a gun to your head and making you read my blog. I already apologized for the e-mail I sent out with the address in it. I promise I will never send out an e-mail like that again. Haven't you ever had a bad day and said or done something you regret? Well that's what that was. Try to move on now. Writing in this blog helps me. That's it. I read many other blogs on a daily basis. Many of them deal with sadness and anger too. It doesn't offend me at all, or make me feel more depressed. It helps me to see that there are many other people in this world that are in far more pain than I am. It helps me realize that I WILL be alright. But I am interested in how you view this situation. Could you leave me a quick comment letting me know your opinion? If every one of you writes back that you are sick of my whining and that I should just get over it, then fine. I will disappear from blog land. The only postings you will read on this blog are cute things that five year olds say or funny things my dogs do. But if anything on my blog helps you understand the pain of infertility, or the difficulty of having chronic pain or depression, please let me know. Thanks so much.

It has come to my attention that my blog offends some people. They think I am drowning in self pity and whining a lot. It depresses them to read it. I started this blog to help me deal with some fairly heavy issues. Depression, Infertility, Chronic pain, to name a few. I totally agree that I drown in self pity quite often, AND I am a whiner. I think anyone that deals with as much pain as I do deserves to whine now and then. I whine more than I should. I know that. But I'm aware of it, and I am working on it on therapy. I am sorry I compared my disease to other life threatening diseases like Cancer. It is in no way the same. I lost three people that I was close to from Cancer in the last year and a half. They went through Hell, and you know what? They poured their guts out and cried about it to their friends on an almost daily basis. I was grateful that I could be there for some of the times, just to listen. I never once thought they were whining. And it wasn't because I thought they would die. None of us had any way of knowing what the future would hold for them. I simply felt compassion for them because they were fighting a disease that I knew little about, life threatening or not. I thank God every single day that I don't have Cancer. But I am fighting a disease. And lately it seems like that disease is getting worse. The pain certainly is. There is no cure. I will not die from it, but I will always have it, and lately it is turning my life upside down. There are going to be big changes ahead. I am going to have a surgery that will greatly reduce my pain and increase our odds of conceiving(we think). Hopefully things will start looking up. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone that reads this blog and is somehow offended by it or gets depressed or angry reading it. Please don't read it then. I am seriously considering starting a new, private blog where I can write my true feelings. All of the dark things that are inside my head that I have been writing on this one. I won't share the address with anyone. I will still keep the old one, but I won't be posting to it on a daily basis. It would simply be about things going on in my everyday life, and there wouldn't be a need to post every day. Not that much goes on in my life. I love reading other people's blogs. The more honest they are, the more I like them, even if they aren't about happy things. I don't walk around on the verge of tears all day long, or so pissed off about my inability to become pregnant that I am ready to blow up at anyone. Maybe that's the impression you get when you read my blog. I work with kids. I am very positive and upbeat at work. I am cordial to the parents and other employees I work with. I smile a lot. I am able to have fun. Nobody knows the things I write about on my blog(the pain, the depression, the anger), unless they read it. Very few people even know about my infertiltiy. That's what I needed the blog for. To get these things out of my head. And if this helps me in some way, then it is good thing, despite what some people think. You should feel happy that I trusted you enough to share the address with you. I trusted you with all of my dark thoughts and feelings. And now I see it was a mistake. Because people don't want to hear about depressing things day after day, even if that is a reality. At some point they want you to suck it up and say you are fine. For those of you that just can't grasp this whole infertility thing, try to imagine your life without kids. What would you do? How would you feel? How would your days be spent? Would there be as much joy in your life? Would you willingly accept the situation of being childless? Or would you fight with everything you had to change it? From now on this blog will be about funny things that happen at work, or fun things Joe and I do on the weekends. Don't expect to see updates every day. I think all anybody ever wants in this world is to feel like they fit in, and to be understood. Well I don't fit in. And me trying to help people understand more about me has simply succeeded in pissing them off. And for that I am sorry.

I started my period. That's all I have to report. The only reason I am posting it is so I have a record of it for next month when the doctor ask me when was the first day of your last menstrual period and I will have at least some idea. I can never remember these things(dates). Please disregard any and all e-mails or postings I may have done yesterday. Some crazy, bitter woman hijacked my blog(and my e-mail) and wrote those things. I was able to wrestle it back from her today. Hopefully we will not be hearing from her again(at least not for the next 12 or 13 days). I have to go get into the tub now. I will be feeling better tomorrow.

Here is a video that I stumbled across that beautifully decribes this infertility journey Joe and I have unwillingly been on these last 3 and 1/2 years. Empty arms video
P.S. Please forgive me if you recieved what seemed like a nasty e-mail with my blog's address in it. I am having a very hard night. I have been feeling very alone and just a tad bitter, and I am still in shock about the whole therapist's news. So please disregard anything I may have written that wasn't very nice. I don't expect people to be checking my blog on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. It would just be nice to hear from someone(anyone) once in awhile to let me know that I do cross your mind every now and then. We are all busy, and I certainly haven't been making any phone calls lately. But I have been in horrible pain. I hope if I had Cancer or some other terrible disease, people would call or at least e-mail me to see how I am. I pray that this surgery will be done in the next month and all of this misery will end soon. Please pray that for me also. Thank you.

First off, I want to say I'm sorry to the Smith Family. They are going through a rough time right now. They had to put their beloved dog Libby to sleep today. She has been their faithful companion for at least 10 years. She was their first child! I know they are going to miss her a lot, and so am I. Our visits just won't be the same without her. My thoughts are with them tonight. On another note, I just came from my weekly therapy session. I have been seeing a therapist for the last eight months. I'm not ashamed or embarassed about it. It was something I needed to do in order to keep my sanity while dealing with this whole infertility roller coaster. I really like and respect my therapist, and we have built a pretty strong relationship. She is one of the only people I can tell all of my dark thoughts to(Joe is the other). We talk ALOT about my infertility issues and how they affect my life. Today she had some news to share with me. Something she has been putting off telling me for a few weeks now. Can you guess what it is? I'll bet you can. That's right folks. She's pregnant. SHIT. The only person I can pour my guts out to about my inability to get pregnant is going to have a baby. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am not exaggerating when I say that EVERYONE around me gets pregnant, while all I get is pain and suffering. I don't know any people that don't have kids. I truly don't. How can I go to someone every single week and cry about not being able to have a baby, when they are sitting in front of me rubbing their big fat pregnant belly? I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I am that strong of a person. I don't want to end up resenting her, feeling jealous every week that SHE has something I can't. But I really like her. I don't want to start over with someone new. I don't have the energy. I'm so tired of all of this crap. I don't know what I will do about this. I really don't. I feel like a two year old that's about to have a tantrum. I don't want her to be pregnant. I don't. I don't want to deal with these feelings.

I just received some very good news from my doctor's office. The results came back on the bloodwork I had done three weeks ago. Not ONE test came back normal. My glucose is too high, my thyroid level is high, something is abnormal with my calcium, and there were abnormal cells in my urine test. Now you are probably wondering why I feel this is GOOD news and not bad. I'll tell you why. Aside from the pain I have every month, I have been feeling terrible. I have not slept properly without sleeping pills in months. My appetite has increased ten fold and I have been eating like a horse, but I still lost 3 pounds in the last 3 months. I have been suffering from anxiety attacks, rapid heartbeat, and what I thought were severe hot flashes. Everyone at work cannot figure out what is up with me. I am usually the cold one in the room, but for the last 2 months I am sweating while everyone else is turning the air down. I have been feeling extemely fatigued during the day, but unable to sleep at night. Well guess what? These are ALL symptoms of hyperthyroidism! I am not crazy!!!!
I have actually begun seeing a psychiatrist for some of these symptoms! The unexplained anxiety attacks and insomnia now have an explanation! There is a physical reason for all of these symptoms. My thyroid levels are high. This has never happened to me before. I have been taking thyroid meds for close to 6 years now, but that is because my levels have always been low. Since taking the medication, they have been fine, within the normal range. Not once in 6 years has my test come back high. So I will have my blood tested again in the next week, and then the doctor will adjust my medication accordingly. I pray that it makes these terrible symptoms go away. I just want to feel normal again. I hope my glucose level is more normal too, because no way do I want to have to start dealing with diabetes on top of everything else!

Today is my husband's birthday. Happy Birthday Joe! I love you! Now I will proceed to tell you how I am ruining it for him. I did not go to work today.(Gasp!) Yes, you may recall my post a few days ago about how I never call in sick. I might go in and leave early, but I always suck it up and somehow make it into work in the morning. It was my husband's idea. He actually placed the phone call for me. I have been home in bed for the last four days in extreme pain(almost four days. I have been home since 1:30 on Friday). Last night the pain was so bad I seriously thought we would be spending the night at the E.R. This pain is very similiar to the pain I had five years ago when three ultrasounds and a thousand tests revealed I had small cysts on my left ovary that were bleeding. I was off my feet for seven days until I finally started my period, four days late. I would bet money we are dealing with the same situation here. You are probably asking yourself why we didn't head straight to the emergency room instead of trying to stick it out at home. I'll tell you why. I have a severe fear and distrust of most medical personnel(especially those who work in the E.R.) I have not always been treated nicely by these people. I have been to the e.r. four times in the last 10 years, all with the same complaint. Severe pelvic pain due to endometriosis. Each and every time I informed the nurses of this. Every single time they ignored me and proceeded with every test known to man. X-rays, blood work, multiple ultrasounds. I don't know if you have ever had a vaginal ultrasound, but it is uncomfortable under normal conditions. It is excruciating while being done when you are having severe cramping. I even had a technician do one while my bladder was completely full(they had tied off the catheter).I have had enough vaginal ultrasounds to know you are not supposed to do that! I was writhing and screaming in pain and she had NO compassion at all. NONE! And of course they won't allow your husband to be in there with you. Why the hell would they let you do that? It might actually make you feel better!(Sorry. I have serious anger issues towards this particular hospital). So anyway, they do all of these tests and of course they all come back normal(it wasn't until later they discovered the cysts. I don't know how). Of course there was that one time they diagnosed me with diverticulitis. Even though I told them I KNEW the pain was from my cycle, not from my bowels!(It turned out I did NOT have that. DUH!) So anyway, the tests come back normal and then they act like you are either crazy, or seriously overreacting. They did give me the drugs though. That is the only thing that made it worth it. So that is what keeps me from rushing over to the emergency room to get some good drugs. I am praying that I don't start late like last time, because I have to go to work tomorrow. Anyway, back to how I am ruining my husband's birthday. I did not go to work today. I have just gotten out of bed. I am sitting here in my pajamas. We have no plans for dinner, which is a good thing since I probably wouldn't be able to go anyway. I left all of his presents at work. One of them was quite large and I had no place to hide it here, so I kept it there. I left ALL of them there. He has no presents. I did manage to buy his favorite cake mix a few days ago, but it is sitting on the counter unmade. I am really going to suck it up and bake it for him. He deserves at least that. Here was what was supposed to happen today: I was to go to work as usual. I would put his presents in my car so I wouldn't forget them. One of them still needs to be wrapped. On the way home I was going to pick up some Sushi for dinner(Joe's favorite). I was going to stop at the store and get some balloons, and make a quick trip over to Barnes and Noble to pick up a gift card. Rush home and pop the cake in the oven. Wrap remaining presents and arrange on coffee table with balloons so it is the first thing he sees when he walks through the door. Shower and dress in a slimming(HA!) outfit, with hair and makeup done. Sit down to a wonderful dinner. Finish with yummy chocolate cake, complete with me singing Happy Birthday. Open presents. If it is early enough, head over to tennis courts to try out said presents. Finish evening off with an hour or two of relaxing television, letting him choose which programs to watch. All in all, a wonderful birthday experience. I'm sure you can guess what will actually take place. Joe will come home from work to me lying on the couch in my pajamas. There will be no dinner ready. I don't even think we have any actual food in the house. There will be no presents for him to open. God willing, there WILL be a cake. I will still sing for him . I will go to bed early and try to prepare myself for working tomorrow despite the extreme pain. All in all a dismal birthday experience. So I'm so sorry! I love you and never wanted your birthday to end up this way! I will try to make it up to you somehow. (In about three days, after my dreaded period has started). I'm soo sorry.

O.K. I just found out today that my song is being used in Hurricane Katrina relief advertising. I did not know this when I posted the lyrics and the song on my blog. I think it is a good song, and it reminded me of my husband on his birthday. We have been praying for better days for a few years now. I did not in any way mean that our situation is the same as or as bad as the people who were affected by Hurrican Katrina. They need better days way more than we do. Some of those people were left with NOTHING. We are extremely lucky in comparison. I thank God every night for that. I also pray the He helps these people put their lives back together. I just didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I still love the song, and actually now it holds more meaning for me than it did before I found out it was being used for Katrina. I don't want people to misundertstand what I meant or leave nasty e-mails on my blog.

Tomorrow is Joe's Birthday.(36!) Of course he doesn't want a big deal made out of it, and he claims there is nothing that he wants or needs as a present. I know what that means. There are very few things in life that my husbands longs for. The only thing he truly wants is to be a father. He wants to obtain a full time job so that he can support his family all year long, not just part. He wants me to be happy and not be in so much pain. He is one of the least materalistic people I know. He doesn't drive a fancy car or wear expensive clothes. He has no desire to go out to expensive retaurants. He has two loves in his life. His marriage to me, and his teaching. He tells me that as long as we are both in love with each other and have a roof over our heads, what more could we ask for? We could all learn a lesson from him. I love music, and I often find songs that relate directly to things that are going on in my life or songs that express eloquently how I am feeling. The other day I heard this song on the radio and it brought tears to my eyes. It's like it was written for my husband. He is always saying that he doesn't care if I buy him gifts or we go out to dinner, or even have a cake on his birthday. All he wants is for us to be together, and that the upcoming year be good. Better than the years we have been having since starting this whole infertility journey. Here are the lyrics to the new Goo Goo dolls song, "better days". There is a link to the song at the bottom if you care to hear it. It really is a good song.

Better Days
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Here is the link to the song:
Goo Goo Dolls: Better days

Today is a bleak day. It doesn't matter that the sun is shining. To most it is just another beautiful fall day. But not for me. Today is and always will be the day I lost my mother. Nine years ago today my mom died. Nine years! On the one hand, it seems like forever since I last talked to or saw my mom. At the same time, it seems like just yesterday that she died. It's so strange to me that sometimes I can't picture my mom's face in my head or I can hardly remember the sound of her voice, but the details of October 15th, 1996 are forever ingrained in my memory. I saw my mom the night before she died. She had been moved from the rehabilitation center in Garden Grove to a hospital near my Mom and Dad's house three days prior. I got off work at 2:00 and drove to visit her. I tried to do this 3-4 times a week during the time she was in the hospital. (I didn't always succed) She was in intensive care(cardiac unit), so I had to wait to see her. They let me in to see her after about five minutes. They had her laying on her side in hope that it would help her bed sores. We watched The Rosie O'Donell show together. We had done this before many times, as it was always on at the time I came to visit. She didn't talk too much. I tried to keep up the conversation, babbling on about my life or what guests were on Rosie's show. She would nod or smile to let me know she was listening. At about 3:45 a male nurse came in to her "room" (more of a cubicle really) and told me he would be taking her to get some X-rays, but that I was welcome to wait in the hall. She told me I should go home but I told her No, I'll wait for you to get back. It was a small hospital, and the waiting room for the CCU consisted of 3 chairs out in the hallway. A man was sitting in one of the chairs, so I took the chair farthest from him. There was one empty chair between us. I don't know what his story was, but he must have either received bad news or lost a loved one, because he was weeping quietly with one hand covering his face. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't have a magazine or anything to read, so I mostly stared at the floor, counting tiles to avoid looking at him. He seemed oblivious to my presence. The Cardiac Care Unit was located at the end of the hall. The emergency room was across from it, but down farther on the right. The entrance for the ambulances was at the end of the hall where I had come in. The E.R was a loud, bustling place with a lot of people going in and out. It gave me something to focus on besides the gentleman crying beside me. I remember feeling very sad. Sad that my mom was here, sad for the man sitting next to me, sad for the mother with tears streaming down her face that had come running down the hall to see her husband and child that had been in a car accident. I felt guilty because the X-rays were taking longer than I had expected, and I was dreading the traffic I was going to have to face if it got any later. After what seemed like an eternity but really was about 45 minutes I saw my mom being wheeled down the hall towards me. I stood up to greet them. The nurse explained to me that my mom had to be situated in her room and then it was dinner time, so maybe I wanted to come back tomorrow. I told him No, I will wait. My Mom insisted that I NOT wait. She told me I should go home. So I did. I kissed her goodbye and promised to come see her tomorrow, since this visit was cut so short. I watched them wheel her back into the CCU. I waved and then turned and went out to my car. When I got to my car I was so overcome with emotion that I put my head on the steering wheel and cried. I didn't even know why I was crying, except that I just wanted my mom to get better. I don't remember any details about the rest of the evening. I can't remember what we had for dinner or what shows we watched on T.V. The next morning I got up at my normal time, 5:30 and got ready for work. I went to work as usual. It was a pretty normal day until around 7:30. I had opened the front door and was just letting the upper graders walk over to their lines when I saw a black truck pull into the school driveway. I did a double take because it looked like Joe's truck. No, I decided, it couldn't be. He would still be at home getting ready for work at this time. The truck pulled up and parked right next to our building. There was no mistaking now that it was Joe. I was puzzled. I couldn't go out to meet him since I still had kids in the room, so I waited at the door for him. As soon as he got out of the car and turned towards me, I knew. It was something about the look on his face. I have never seen him look so pained. As he started walking up the ramp I began crying and shaking my head No, No, No. I don't think he actually ever said the words to me. "Your Mom died". He didn't have to. I just knew. I had to get out of there. I called my boss at home and told her I had to go home, that my mom had died. I remember distinctly what she said. "Can you give me a half hour? I just got out of the shower." I hung up on her. I was seriously considering leaving the children I had alone! I had to get out of there! Luckily another employee that worked there had come in to pick up her paycheck just then. I was sobbing. I told her "I have to leave. My mom died." I remember she hugged me and would not let go! I just wanted her to let me go so I could get out of there, but she wouldn't! Finally Joe stepped in and said we should be going. Everything else is a blur. The entire week is a blur. The memorial service is a blur. The whole first year after she died is a blur. But I will never forget THAT day. It is true what they say about time healing all things. Every year that has passed since my mom died has gotten easier and the pain has faded a little bit. That doesn't mean I don't miss her. I will always miss her. There will always be a sad place in my heart for her. It comes to the suface on birthdays, at Christmas, on Mother's Day, and especially on this day. It will never completely go away. Yes, October 15th is a bleak day. But it is a good day too. Because it is the day I remember my mom and all the good times we had. I miss you Mom and I love you!

I wasn't going to post today, because I have nothing new to report, but then I remembered I am suppsosed to be keeping a pain journal, so I changed my mind. My day started horribly. I arose at 5:30 as usual and hopped into the shower (Well, I didn't really "hop". There is no hopping being done by me at 5:30 a.m.) Got out, started putting on my makeup. So far, so good. The trouble started when I began to blow-dry my hair. It started with some mild cramping, which quickly elavated to severe cramping, soon rising to the level of "oh please make it stop make it stop make it stop." I became extremely nauseous, and quickly threw up whatever was in my stomach from the night before. At this point I had broken out in a sweat the pain was so bad. I went to lie on the end of the bed by the fan, to try and cool myself down or I knew I was going to have to throw up again, probably dry heaves this time. I began to cry, laying at the end of the bed feeling nauseous and in extreme pain. My loving husband reached down and patted me on the back before rolling over and going back to sleep. He is accustomed to me starting my mornings this way. By this time it was 6:05. My hair had not been dried and my makeup had all been cried off. I looked lovely. I had to pull my hair into a ponytail, fix my smeared mascara and finish getting dressed so I could leave by 6:15. Somehow I managed to do all of those things and arrive at work on time. I was still feeling terrible, but I was going to be alone all morning because my boss had an appointment. I wasn't sure if i was going to make it on my own, so I called a coworker to see if she could come in early. She arrived an hour later, at which point I was feeling so lousy I laid down on the couch. There is nothing like feeling crummy and laying on a smelly couch while five year olds peer down at you like you are a fish in a bowl asking every five minutes "Why is Miss Michelle asleep?" Rested for exactly 12 minutes before it was time to order the kids lunch, followed shortly by me driving to pick up said lunches. Served lunches to children, handled several disputes before I couldn't take any more and told my boss "I'm going home". It was 1:00 in the afternoon. It was a miracle I lasted that long. I don't remember the drive home. As soon as I got home I got straight into bed, and stayed there until I got up an hour ago to write this post and check my email. The pain is better now. We'll see how it is tomorrow morning. It always seems to be bad early in the morning.

Today started the throwing up stage of my cycle. Every month around this time I become very nauseous, and most of the time I throw up. I always think I have the flu or food poisoning or something, but later I realize it was just the fun that is my monthly cycle. Of course, everyone else always thinks I am pregnant. Idiots! It seems so strange to me that I could feel so bad and get this sick over my period. I mean, it's just a period! Women have them every day! Why does mine have to be such a nightmare? It feels like my body is trying to betray me. How could my insides cause me so much pain and sickness month after month? Maybe they are so dysfunctional that I should simply have all of them removed. Maybe instead of having my nerves cut I should go ahead with the hysterectomy. This is no way to live. These have been the unhappiest three and a half years of my life. Pain and misery, followed by loss and grieving every month when we find out I'm not pregnant. I can't take much more. We came up a little short on the bills this month (I don't know why I expected any differently. We hadn't had a full month's pay since July. We had to get caught up). Of course this means we can't pay the doctor's office again this month, so no surgery yet. Maybe we'll be able to pay for it next month. If I'm lucky, we'll have no extra money to celebrate Christmas and I'll get to have a surgery as my only Christmas present. It wouldn't surprise me. Sorry for bringing you all down tonight. I shouldn't post when I'm in this kind of mood(horrible pain, feeling like I want to throw up on the keyboard). Three more days until I get some relief. Unless I start early. (Although I'm hoping this isn't the case, if it is true what the Naked Ovary says about starting your period early being a sign of early menopause. I hope this is not true because I have started early for the last 3 months). That would just about put me over the edge. (Yes, I know having a hysterectomy would put my body into menopause. That would be my choice. My body going into early menopause on its own would be another betrayal)

Oops, I forgot. I was going to start listing all the celebrities I found out have gotten pregnant. Aside from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes; The D.J. on my morning radio show, Gwyneth Paltrow, Woody Harrelson, Donald Trump and trophy wife, Joely Fisher, hmmm... I think that's it for now. I am doing this to torture myself. The one I am really bummed about is the radio D.J. because now I have to switch stations. I REFUSE to listen to someone talk about their pregnancy every single day on my way to work. Why would someone do that to themselves? But then again, why would someone list all the celebrities that they found out were pregnant? Here's where I find out about all of these pregnant celebs. It's a sick fascination I have. I like to count how many people have gotten pregnant since we started trying. It's one of the many ways I like to occupy all the free time I have since I don't have kids. But I'm not bitter!

I'm still feeling crummy today. I guess I can expect to feel that way for four more days until I start my period. Spent a lot of time in the bathroom at work today. Been in the tub twice since I got home, and on the couch since 4:00. Oh well. What can I do?

Second post tonight. Maybe someday I'll get organized to write ONE post every day instead of two or three posts every couple of days. Don't hold your breath. Anyway, the reason for this post is that I was checking some of my blogs before I go to bed and I happened to click on over to The Naked Ovary. I don't know how many of you read that site, but I have to tell you sometimes I feel like that woman is inside my head! She says the things that I am so often feeling, but am not articulate enough to express. More often than not I end up crying at the end of her posts. Mostly because I feel exactly the way she explains. I too feel "broken". Like my body has failed me. I can name so many other places(the baby section at Target, etc.) that I don't and probably never will fit in. This infertility thing messes with my head like nothing else I have experienced. It turns my life upside down. It makes me weary, right down into my bones. Joe is becoming weary too. I can tell because we didn't try this month. For the first time in 42 months, we didn't try. He is usually the one asking me when it is the right time. He has been the one pushing me to keep going for the last six months, when all I wanted to do was give up. Except for this month. He didn't ask, and I didn't tell, and the "right" time came and went and we did nothing. It feels strange. I know I am not pregnant this month. No, there isn't even a chance at an "accident". We have been dealing with my depression for the last month. It hasn't been like this for three and a half years. Every month for the last 42 months, there has been a chance that I was pregnant. But not this month. Maybe it means we are beginning to let go a little. I hope so. The pain of this is becoming unbearable. Something's gotta give, and I certainly don't want it to be my mental state!

Just when it seems like things are getting better.....

Wham! a couple of days where I begin feeling horrible again! It all started yesterday. As a whole the day time was O.K. Still no excruciating pain, only mild discomfort. Then Joe came home and we went to play tennis. I was feeling pretty good, and our "game" was going well(I think I may actually be improving. A tiny bit.) All of a sudden my vision got blurry. I couldn't see the ball. It took me a minute to realize that it was an aura, the beginning of a migraine. I used to get these all the time, but since I haven't had one in quite awhile(years actually), I didn't know right away what it was. For those of you that have never experienced a migraine, it sometimes starts with a visual dusturbance called an aura. For me, it starts with flashing lights that I see at the peripheral of my vision. At first it seems like I am looking directly into bright sunlight. The flashing lights grow larger and I am unable to see out of that portion of my eyes. It is quite debilitating. I have been stuck at work with them before because I have been unable to drive. The good news is that the aura only lasts about 30-45 minutes. The bad news is that's when the blinding pain starts. Usually I have my pain in the fromt of my head(forehead, behind my eyes) but last night the pain was at the back of my head. It felt as though someone was hittting me in the back of the head with a hammer. We immediatly went home so I could take my medicine, and I laid down and put ice on my head. The medicine did little to help with the pain, so I had to go to bed early. All was well while I was sleeping, until 4:00 a.m. this morning when I was awakened by severe cramping in my lower abdomen. My head was still pounding from the migraine, so I was in too much pain already to get into the bathtub. I just tried to stick it out in bed until my alarm went off, at which point I draaaaagggged myself out of bed to get ready for work. Now I know I do a lot of complaining on this blog, but hey that's why I started it. To get things out of my head and onto "paper" My doctors are always after me to keep a pain journal. Well this is it. This is my pain journal. Anyway, I was going to say that even though I do a lot of complaining, I think I am a pretty good trooper about all of this. No matter how much pain I am in, I still get up every single day and go into work. I still put on a smile every morning when the kids and parents come in. I very rarely call in sick(last year I called in sick a total of 3 times). I don't know many people that could take this kind of pain on a daily basis and still function properly. I really don't. So even though sometimes people get exasperated with me because I am not feeling well(again!), or tell me that I must have a very low tolerance for pain(I have had friends say this to me) I think I deserve some credit. To make a long story short, I have been feeling rotten for the last 2 days, and now I am in my pajamas, after already being in the tub, and I am about to go lay on the couch with ice on my head and a heating pad on my stomach. I am hoping to feel better tomorrow. Is it me, or does it seem like I am always feeling rotten when Joe is teaching his night class? Of course that could be because I feel rotten for half of the month!

I have been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. Besides feeling like someone is playing soccer inside my lower abdomen, I feel O.K. Really, that's how it feels. Someone else explained it as someone "kicking her ovaries over and over". That pretty much sums it up. Uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I was even able to get out of the house this weekend. Had lunch with Dad, then Joe and I attended my friend Cindy's fortieth birthday Fiesta. I had a great time(I can't speak for Joe. I think he went along to humor me). Today I was able to go to Gem Faire at the Orange County fairgrounds. It was so cool! It is a beader's paradise. They have every thing under the sun for beading. Silver beads, glass beads, findings, crystals, you name it. I wish I had more money to spend so I could just purchase everything I need. People were spending thousands of dollars! It's easy to do! I bought a few glass and silver beads, as well as some watch faces and Swarovski crystals. I'm going to make some pretty cool beaded watches. I am hoping to finish up a whole lot more stuff to send for Lisa's Mother's club boutique in November. I have a lot of work to do! In fact, that's what I should be doing instead of this! Gotta go!

More anger issues...

I forgot one more thing that has ticked me off in the last two days. I just recieved some info about a former co-worker of mine. We haven't worked together in 3 years, but I see here now and again at school. She is 24 years old. When we worked together, she was just turning 21 and planning to marry her high school sweetheart. Everyone(coworkers, friends, parents) told her she should wait to get married, that she was too young. She wasn't listening to them, and was planning her wedding. I completely supported her decision. After all, I married my high school sweetheart at barely 22(one month past my b-day), and although it hasn't always been easy, I am now married to the love of my life and my best friend. I supported her throughout the entire wedding process, and attended her wedding. We had been trying to have a baby for a year at that point. Four months after her wedding, she announced that she was pregnant. I was devastated. She had only been trying for four months! But still I acted happy for her and got her a very nice baby shower gift. Her little boy is almost two and adorable and yes, I am a little bit jealous. I just heard from another co-worker yesterday that they are getting a divorce. What the??? Why are people so stupid? How come they can stay together without kids, but go ahead and have them and then get a divorce? I agree with Dr. Phil when he says you have to earn your way out of a marriage. you can't just give up when it gets too tough. Joe and I have gone through five years of counseling. FIVE years!! You don't think one or the other of us thought about giving up at one time or another? Of course we did. But we stuck it out. Because marriage is a lifelong commitment. No one said it would be easy. But the rewards far outweigh everything else. Now this child must grow up in a broken home because his parents won't do the work to stay together. It makes me so mad!


P.S. I found out something else today that didn't exactly tick me off, but made my heart hurt. One of the girls in my infertility group just lost her baby at 7 and 1/2 weeks. It makes me so sad and feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do. It is just so UNFAIR! Hasn't she been through enough? Haven't we ALL been through enough? So T, if you are reading this, please know that I am sooo sorry. I am the lucky one. I only have the pain of not being able to get pregnant. I haven't had to endure the pain of losing a child. My heart goes out to you and anyone else that has had to go through this. My prayers are with you.

I know I already posted today, but I forgot about my anger issues for a moment there and neglected to comment on some things that have been REALLY ticking me off lately. It all started when Brittney Spears got pregnant. That ticked me off, but she is around 10 years younger than I am and married, so I'll overlook it(just this once!). Next, Nicholas Cage names his baby Kal-El. No, I did not misspell it! That is the actual name he chose for his child. For those of you that don't know, that is from the Superman comic book. It is Superman's birth name that he was given when born on the planet Krypton. What an idiot! There should be a law against naming your children after comic book characters. If I ever have the opportunity to have a child, I PROMISE to name the child a NORMAL name. The last straw was when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced their pregnancy. THAT'S IT! There is no fairness or justice in this world! They aren't even MARRIED! She is like a million years younger than he is! I have been married to the same man for close to thirteen years. We are three years apart in age. He is the only man I have EVER BEEN with. We are both loving, caring people that would make wonderful parents. But we can't have children. Why does God want THEM to have a child and not us? I am having serious anger issues and feeling extremely bitter about all of the above mentioned things. My therapist thinks the anger is a good thing. Better than the crippling depression and suicidal thoughts of two weeks ago. Joe is not so sure, since a lot of the anger is being directed at him. Hey, I can't take it out on the kids! But I am sorry if I have been snapping at you more lately.

Having a much better day today. Almost no pain(almost), but much better than this time last month. I don't know why some cycles are so horrible and some are bearable. We'll be paying the doctor's office this week, so the surgery will be back on soon. Other than that, not much to report. I saw the psychiatrist again yesterday. I have decided I don't like him. My therapist doesn't like him either, and thinks I should go see someone else. I haven't decided yet what I will do. I would like to start getting off some of this medication. Not the antidepressant-I NEED that, but some of the antianxiey(yes, I am taking more than one!) and the sleeping pills. It can't be good for my body to be on so many drugs. I have a lot to do this weekend. I have beading to do, as well as t-shirts to make. Lisa was nice enough to advertise for me on her blog, even though technically the money won't be going towards the adoption. There is no way we can do that without some help. We have no plans right now, infertility wise(besides praying for a miracle) I simply cannot produce 20,000 dollars worth of bracelets and t-shirts!


P.S. My doctor ended up refilling my thyroid medication before we left last weekend, so I was able to get my blood test done on Tuesday as planned. Now I just have to see if I "passed" the urine test. I have had to have it redone EVERY SINGLE TIME because apparently I don't know how to pee in a cup properly! I never get a "clean" catch! I was extra careful this time, and had my WRITTEN instructions from the nurse. I was very careful and was in the restroom forever(much to the dismay of the gentleman waiting outside), so we'll see if I did it right.

Not a good day....
I am having a lot of pain today. Almost had to leave work early, but went into the bathroom for like a half an hour and ended up sticking it out until 3:00. What am I doing in there you might ask? Actually I am sitting on the floor(laying is too gross) holding my stomach and trying to breath through the pain. I can't tell you how many kids knocked on the door and/or jiggled the handle a million times to see if someone was in there(do they not understand that if the door is locked someone is in there?). I know, I know, they're five! It looks like I will be dissapointing Joe tonight(again!) by not playing tennis. I hate to dissapoint him. Especially since he goes out of his way to help me through these times. I have been having some awful panic attacks. I had two in the car on the way home on Monday. I don't know what brings them on. The therapist thinks I am feeling a loss of contol because of the infertility issues, not knowing what we are going to do, suffering from the pain every month, not knowing if I will ever become pregant or if the pain will ever stop. She explained it better to me, but I still think it was just a nice way of her saying I am a control freak! I get them(the panic attacks) mostly in the morning. It starts with me becoming very warm, and feeling like I need air. Then I feel like I can't breathe. It is hard for me to get my breath. When I have a really bad one, I almost hyperventilate. It's horrible. And the fact that I never know when one is going to occur makes me feel even less in control. I have Xanax that I could take, but I won't take it when I am working so it is kind of useless. I am usually fine by lunchtime and through the afternoon, but then I start to feel anxiuos again around bed time. I have sleeping pills that work pretty good for that, so it's only during the day that these affect me. So far no one has noticed anything unusual. Mostly because I am alone with the kids in the morning, and also I hide things pretty well from people. Hopefully none of the parents catch on that I am not well. Would you leave your child with someone who has as many problems as I do? I wouldn't!

Here are some random thoughts I have been having. (Yes, I am home alone tonight and bored. Joe is teaching. I really must find some friends). Why is it that I cannot remember something I was told 15 minutes ago, but I know the words to EVERY song that comes on the radio, as well as every single James Taylor song on every single C.D. of his that we have(We have all but three of his C.D.'s!) Joe says it is because I have used up all of my memory space with song lyrics. Ha Ha! Here is something else that bothers me. A lot. Why do people have links to websites that say they are about infertility when they are actually about pregnancies and/or newborns? Here I am, innocently searching for blogs that might help me live with the every day pain of infertility, and I go to an "infertility" website and there is either a sonogram picture or a picture of a newborn baby. This does not help me! In fact, it makes me feel like I am the only infertile person in this world that hasn't gotten or can't get pregnant. It does not give me hope. I am not sitting here thinking "See! THAT person went through infertility and was able to get pregnant! There is hope for me after all!" NO. That is not what I am thinking. I am actually thinking how much it sucks to be an infertile person that hasn't gotten pregnant. I am extememly jealous of these infertile fertile women that I don't even know who are pregnant or have a newborn. So please people, if your website is not about infertility, change your title! Or update your blogrolls and move those links from the infertiltiy section to the "I am now a parent" section of your links. Thank you! Yes, I do realize the name of my blog is the "journey towards parenthood" and we are nowhere near becoming parents. I named it when we were going to do the adoption. I haven't gotten around to changing it yet. Maybe I'll change it to "We will never be parents". Because that's how I feel. In case you haven't guessed, I have started the "bad" time of my cycle. I will be feeling crummy for the next 10 days. Yippee.I am seeing the psychiatrist again on Thursday. Maybe I will ask him if he has any drugs to help me with my bad attitude. I doubt it.

I uploaded my pictures(all fifteen of them), so I will post them here for your enjoyment. Some of them may seem pointless, but they aren't if you are a scrapbooker(which I am!). Here's a picture of Cameron and Grace at the pumpkin patch.
Gracie is being a silly girl.
Here is where she stopped being silly and said cheese. This is the Pumpkin patch across the street. I thought it was pretty. Here's a picture of Me and Uncle Joe with Gracie. Cameron politely declined to be in the photo with us. (Ha! Actually he was standing off to the side screaming "I want to go on the train RIGHT NOW!" at the top of his lungs, while strangers were staring and we were all ignoring him. P.S. Could Uncle Joe have picked out an uglier pumpkin for this picture? He thought it looked interesting. I think it is ugly). Here are some pretty pumpkins.
And more pretty pumpkins.
Here's a cute scarecrow.
And a picture of the Smith family on the train. Cameron is mad because he wanted Daddy and him to sit alone. Here he is with Daddy. He's happy now because they moved up one car. Can you believe we paid this much for gas? We are either crazy or we love our niece and nephew very much AND we are crazy.Here is some evidence of Fall that we found in Burlingame before starting for home. Well, that's it for my pictures. Maybe Lisa will post more. If you would rather just see the whole album and skip all of these links, go Here. I'll be posting some pictures from our shopping trip soon. Trust me, it's fascinating stuff!

Well, we made it home safe and sound, seven and a half hours after we left. We took Cameron and Gracie to school, then stopped for breakfast at Stack's. I had crepes and Joe had an omelette, and then we split an order of pancakes. You can't go to a restaurant named "stacks" and not have pancakes! It was so good. I wish they had them here! Lisa's internet connection was down so I wasn't able to post any updates. We had a great weekend though. We ate out a lot, which we never get to do. We also babysat a couple of nights, which was fun too. Went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday, and had lunch at Half Moon Bay. It's so beautiful there. Lisa and I went on a marathon shopping trip on Sunday, while Joe went to the museum and Scott watched the kids. We must have gone to at least 15 stores! We started at the outlet stores in Hayward, then worked our way through the entire Sunnyvale Mall. My camera only has a small memory card in it, so I was only able to take 15 pictures. I'll post them tomorrow. The rest of the pictures I will have to wait for Lisa to post.