Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Not a good day....
I am having a lot of pain today. Almost had to leave work early, but went into the bathroom for like a half an hour and ended up sticking it out until 3:00. What am I doing in there you might ask? Actually I am sitting on the floor(laying is too gross) holding my stomach and trying to breath through the pain. I can't tell you how many kids knocked on the door and/or jiggled the handle a million times to see if someone was in there(do they not understand that if the door is locked someone is in there?). I know, I know, they're five! It looks like I will be dissapointing Joe tonight(again!) by not playing tennis. I hate to dissapoint him. Especially since he goes out of his way to help me through these times. I have been having some awful panic attacks. I had two in the car on the way home on Monday. I don't know what brings them on. The therapist thinks I am feeling a loss of contol because of the infertility issues, not knowing what we are going to do, suffering from the pain every month, not knowing if I will ever become pregant or if the pain will ever stop. She explained it better to me, but I still think it was just a nice way of her saying I am a control freak! I get them(the panic attacks) mostly in the morning. It starts with me becoming very warm, and feeling like I need air. Then I feel like I can't breathe. It is hard for me to get my breath. When I have a really bad one, I almost hyperventilate. It's horrible. And the fact that I never know when one is going to occur makes me feel even less in control. I have Xanax that I could take, but I won't take it when I am working so it is kind of useless. I am usually fine by lunchtime and through the afternoon, but then I start to feel anxiuos again around bed time. I have sleeping pills that work pretty good for that, so it's only during the day that these affect me. So far no one has noticed anything unusual. Mostly because I am alone with the kids in the morning, and also I hide things pretty well from people. Hopefully none of the parents catch on that I am not well. Would you leave your child with someone who has as many problems as I do? I wouldn't!

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