Friday, October 21, 2005

It is 5:00 a.m. and here I am, posting to my blog. I've been up since 3:30 a.m. This insomnia is kicking my butt big time. I have a doctor's appt. on Tuesday to discuss changing my thyroid med. Hopefully that will resolve the insomnia issues. Man, I hope so. Aside from the tirade on my blog yesterday, I had a pretty good day. I started, so the pain is gone. Poof! Just like that the pain is gone. That always amazes me, how I can go from excruciating pain for 12 days straight, to feeling just peachy the next. It's a baffling disease. Now I have a favor to ask. It is for any of you that read my blog on a semi-regular basis. I need to ask you something. The little speech I made yesterday was directed at one person specifically. It's personal, so I won't go into it further, but I need to know how other people feel about the stuff I write on my blog. The depressing stuff. The days on end where I am in horrible pain and depressed, and simply have nothing nice to say. Does it piss you off that I write that stuff? Does it offend you in some way? Does it bring you down? Because I'm trying to decide what to do. I had pretty much already made up my mind that I was going to start a new blog that would be sort of like a journal, one which I would not share the address to. After a long talk with my husband, I am waivering on that decision. First off, let me say Gosh I love that man! He is simply the best. He always listens to me, no matter how sad or irrational I may be, and he always says the most insightful things. I would be lost without him. Long story short, he says I should continue posting to my blog in the manner to which you have become accustomed. He says that anyone that doesn't like it should keep their narrow-minded, nasty opinions to themselves and blow it out their ear!(Edited for not so nice content). After a lot of soul searching, I have decided he is right. No one is forcing you to read this. I am not holding a gun to your head and making you read my blog. I already apologized for the e-mail I sent out with the address in it. I promise I will never send out an e-mail like that again. Haven't you ever had a bad day and said or done something you regret? Well that's what that was. Try to move on now. Writing in this blog helps me. That's it. I read many other blogs on a daily basis. Many of them deal with sadness and anger too. It doesn't offend me at all, or make me feel more depressed. It helps me to see that there are many other people in this world that are in far more pain than I am. It helps me realize that I WILL be alright. But I am interested in how you view this situation. Could you leave me a quick comment letting me know your opinion? If every one of you writes back that you are sick of my whining and that I should just get over it, then fine. I will disappear from blog land. The only postings you will read on this blog are cute things that five year olds say or funny things my dogs do. But if anything on my blog helps you understand the pain of infertility, or the difficulty of having chronic pain or depression, please let me know. Thanks so much.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Michelle,

I think it would be ahuge mistake to switch to a "pivate" blog. The reason I read your blog is because it is so honest. I admit, it can bring me down to hear how awful you are feeling, but that is NOT your fault! I can't imagine the physical pain you must go through, so who am I to tell you to suck it up?! Of course, I know the pain of infertility. Now that I am on the other side of it, I want to be sure I remember how hard it was so that I will never take having a child for granted (like so many poeple do). You are going through what is hopefully the worst of it, and someday soon you will be on the other side. Then your blog can be filled with happy thoughts! Until then, if this person is so offended, tell him/her to stop reading it! Simple!
Kerry :)

Gracencameronsmomy said...

Some people can't relate to anything that doesn't pertain to THEM. If they don't like it, they shouldn't read it...It's not like you are the only person writing these things...infertility sucks! Most people DON'T understand it. I guess I just stopped expecting people to understand and got my support from people who did...

Ashley's World of Justification said...

I read your blog on an almost daily basis because people like you fascinate me. I love that you are VERY honest and you don't necessarily write because you know people are reading it. You do it for you. I'm a wimp when I deal with physical pain so I have NO idea how you deal with that, but I think it's awesome that you do and you go on. If other people don't like it then why are they reading it? Because it gives them something to complain about! That's why. They like to read it and think ohhh Michelle is such a whiner blah blah blah. Because it makes them somehow better than you in their head. That's my take on it. If they have NEVER walked in your shoes then they should have nothing to say about it. I say keep on posting girl! I can't wait to read when you have all this behind you and a baby in your arms. :)Ashley

Anonymous said...

Michelle,
Don't stop your blog on account of an insensitive person who just doesn't get it. I'm sure your blog helps others going through the same thing and it is a great support network for poeple who feel like they are the only one going through it. If there was a blog that I could have read when I was dealing with Bulemia at that time in my life it would have helped with the hoplessness and isolation I was feeling. I was lucky because I had a true friend I could turn to that helped me through some tough times. She didn't judge me or tell me "step back from the toilet" or to "suck it up", she just listened. Thank You for reminding me of that. I am a better person for knowing her and I should take a few lessons on compasion. Just as you have felt alone in your struggle with pain, depression, and infertility I too have felt like I have lost hold of many friendships over the last two years because I have isolated myself while trying to maintain control of my own health and healing, my children's health and healing, the aloneless I feel in my marriage and the anger and feeling of helplessness and a sense of feeling out of control associated with it all. Your right a simple phone call from a friend to see how your are doing is a nice gesture that somone cares. You are right, we are trulely two different people with two different lives right now. I guess the dose of tough love was not what you needed and I'm sorry. I wish you well and will pray for better days ahead. It is nice to see that you are leaning towards the spiritual side and less towards that angry side lately though. OK maybe not funny.... I know you don't need or want my friendship right now and I totally understand why. I wanted you to know that you have been a good friend to me and I just responded with ignorance and hurt feelings which never is a good combination. Again, I'M SORRY ! M

Anonymous said...

Michelle, I think your blog is a wonderful way for you to vent and release those feelings of frustration, pain and anger. It's a diary - you are very open and honest. Much more so than most people. If that upsets anyone, they do not need to read your blog. It's that simple.

And I don't see a point in starting a new blog. You are so open and honest that, at some point, you would give out that blog address. It might be a year from now, but eventually it would leak out of you. You don't strike me as the type of person who wants to hide any part of herself.

Keep writing, keep posting, and, most of all - congrats for four pain-free days!!!

Teena