Thursday, October 20, 2005

It has come to my attention that my blog offends some people. They think I am drowning in self pity and whining a lot. It depresses them to read it. I started this blog to help me deal with some fairly heavy issues. Depression, Infertility, Chronic pain, to name a few. I totally agree that I drown in self pity quite often, AND I am a whiner. I think anyone that deals with as much pain as I do deserves to whine now and then. I whine more than I should. I know that. But I'm aware of it, and I am working on it on therapy. I am sorry I compared my disease to other life threatening diseases like Cancer. It is in no way the same. I lost three people that I was close to from Cancer in the last year and a half. They went through Hell, and you know what? They poured their guts out and cried about it to their friends on an almost daily basis. I was grateful that I could be there for some of the times, just to listen. I never once thought they were whining. And it wasn't because I thought they would die. None of us had any way of knowing what the future would hold for them. I simply felt compassion for them because they were fighting a disease that I knew little about, life threatening or not. I thank God every single day that I don't have Cancer. But I am fighting a disease. And lately it seems like that disease is getting worse. The pain certainly is. There is no cure. I will not die from it, but I will always have it, and lately it is turning my life upside down. There are going to be big changes ahead. I am going to have a surgery that will greatly reduce my pain and increase our odds of conceiving(we think). Hopefully things will start looking up. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone that reads this blog and is somehow offended by it or gets depressed or angry reading it. Please don't read it then. I am seriously considering starting a new, private blog where I can write my true feelings. All of the dark things that are inside my head that I have been writing on this one. I won't share the address with anyone. I will still keep the old one, but I won't be posting to it on a daily basis. It would simply be about things going on in my everyday life, and there wouldn't be a need to post every day. Not that much goes on in my life. I love reading other people's blogs. The more honest they are, the more I like them, even if they aren't about happy things. I don't walk around on the verge of tears all day long, or so pissed off about my inability to become pregnant that I am ready to blow up at anyone. Maybe that's the impression you get when you read my blog. I work with kids. I am very positive and upbeat at work. I am cordial to the parents and other employees I work with. I smile a lot. I am able to have fun. Nobody knows the things I write about on my blog(the pain, the depression, the anger), unless they read it. Very few people even know about my infertiltiy. That's what I needed the blog for. To get these things out of my head. And if this helps me in some way, then it is good thing, despite what some people think. You should feel happy that I trusted you enough to share the address with you. I trusted you with all of my dark thoughts and feelings. And now I see it was a mistake. Because people don't want to hear about depressing things day after day, even if that is a reality. At some point they want you to suck it up and say you are fine. For those of you that just can't grasp this whole infertility thing, try to imagine your life without kids. What would you do? How would you feel? How would your days be spent? Would there be as much joy in your life? Would you willingly accept the situation of being childless? Or would you fight with everything you had to change it? From now on this blog will be about funny things that happen at work, or fun things Joe and I do on the weekends. Don't expect to see updates every day. I think all anybody ever wants in this world is to feel like they fit in, and to be understood. Well I don't fit in. And me trying to help people understand more about me has simply succeeded in pissing them off. And for that I am sorry.

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