Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Second post tonight. Maybe someday I'll get organized to write ONE post every day instead of two or three posts every couple of days. Don't hold your breath. Anyway, the reason for this post is that I was checking some of my blogs before I go to bed and I happened to click on over to The Naked Ovary. I don't know how many of you read that site, but I have to tell you sometimes I feel like that woman is inside my head! She says the things that I am so often feeling, but am not articulate enough to express. More often than not I end up crying at the end of her posts. Mostly because I feel exactly the way she explains. I too feel "broken". Like my body has failed me. I can name so many other places(the baby section at Target, etc.) that I don't and probably never will fit in. This infertility thing messes with my head like nothing else I have experienced. It turns my life upside down. It makes me weary, right down into my bones. Joe is becoming weary too. I can tell because we didn't try this month. For the first time in 42 months, we didn't try. He is usually the one asking me when it is the right time. He has been the one pushing me to keep going for the last six months, when all I wanted to do was give up. Except for this month. He didn't ask, and I didn't tell, and the "right" time came and went and we did nothing. It feels strange. I know I am not pregnant this month. No, there isn't even a chance at an "accident". We have been dealing with my depression for the last month. It hasn't been like this for three and a half years. Every month for the last 42 months, there has been a chance that I was pregnant. But not this month. Maybe it means we are beginning to let go a little. I hope so. The pain of this is becoming unbearable. Something's gotta give, and I certainly don't want it to be my mental state!

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