Thursday, October 13, 2005

Today started the throwing up stage of my cycle. Every month around this time I become very nauseous, and most of the time I throw up. I always think I have the flu or food poisoning or something, but later I realize it was just the fun that is my monthly cycle. Of course, everyone else always thinks I am pregnant. Idiots! It seems so strange to me that I could feel so bad and get this sick over my period. I mean, it's just a period! Women have them every day! Why does mine have to be such a nightmare? It feels like my body is trying to betray me. How could my insides cause me so much pain and sickness month after month? Maybe they are so dysfunctional that I should simply have all of them removed. Maybe instead of having my nerves cut I should go ahead with the hysterectomy. This is no way to live. These have been the unhappiest three and a half years of my life. Pain and misery, followed by loss and grieving every month when we find out I'm not pregnant. I can't take much more. We came up a little short on the bills this month (I don't know why I expected any differently. We hadn't had a full month's pay since July. We had to get caught up). Of course this means we can't pay the doctor's office again this month, so no surgery yet. Maybe we'll be able to pay for it next month. If I'm lucky, we'll have no extra money to celebrate Christmas and I'll get to have a surgery as my only Christmas present. It wouldn't surprise me. Sorry for bringing you all down tonight. I shouldn't post when I'm in this kind of mood(horrible pain, feeling like I want to throw up on the keyboard). Three more days until I get some relief. Unless I start early. (Although I'm hoping this isn't the case, if it is true what the Naked Ovary says about starting your period early being a sign of early menopause. I hope this is not true because I have started early for the last 3 months). That would just about put me over the edge. (Yes, I know having a hysterectomy would put my body into menopause. That would be my choice. My body going into early menopause on its own would be another betrayal)

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