Tuesday, October 18, 2005
First off, I want to say I'm sorry to the Smith Family. They are going through a rough time right now. They had to put their beloved dog Libby to sleep today. She has been their faithful companion for at least 10 years. She was their first child! I know they are going to miss her a lot, and so am I. Our visits just won't be the same without her. My thoughts are with them tonight. On another note, I just came from my weekly therapy session. I have been seeing a therapist for the last eight months. I'm not ashamed or embarassed about it. It was something I needed to do in order to keep my sanity while dealing with this whole infertility roller coaster. I really like and respect my therapist, and we have built a pretty strong relationship. She is one of the only people I can tell all of my dark thoughts to(Joe is the other). We talk ALOT about my infertility issues and how they affect my life. Today she had some news to share with me. Something she has been putting off telling me for a few weeks now. Can you guess what it is? I'll bet you can. That's right folks. She's pregnant. SHIT. The only person I can pour my guts out to about my inability to get pregnant is going to have a baby. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am not exaggerating when I say that EVERYONE around me gets pregnant, while all I get is pain and suffering. I don't know any people that don't have kids. I truly don't. How can I go to someone every single week and cry about not being able to have a baby, when they are sitting in front of me rubbing their big fat pregnant belly? I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I am that strong of a person. I don't want to end up resenting her, feeling jealous every week that SHE has something I can't. But I really like her. I don't want to start over with someone new. I don't have the energy. I'm so tired of all of this crap. I don't know what I will do about this. I really don't. I feel like a two year old that's about to have a tantrum. I don't want her to be pregnant. I don't. I don't want to deal with these feelings.