Rain Rain Go Away

Yup, it's raining(again!) I think it has only been sunny two days of our 7 day trip. We have 5 days to go, but the weatherman is predicting rain for almost the whole time! Oh well, I'm always complaining that it doesn't rain enough at our house! The house is actually very quiet right now. The Smith family and Dad have gone to the kid's gym for a playdate. I chose to stay home with Joe. We're still in our jammies. We are not accustomed to the busy lives Lisa and the kids lead! We stay home alot. I realize that isn't possible when you have a rambunctious four year old and a two year old, but we don't have any kids(yet), so we're used to having quiet. I figured this was our last chance to get any before Lisa and Scott leave on Sunday night for their cruise. We are planning on going out to dinner tomorrow night to celebrate our birthdays. Tomorrow night is also an anniversary of sorts for Joe and Me. It was at a New Year's Eve party seventeen years ago that we met. We had our first date the next day on New Year's Day. And the rest is history! Joe pointed out a neat little fact to me. Since we met when I was a mere seventeen years old, and we have been together seventeen years, I have been with him the same amount of time that I have s been apart from him. I look forward to many many more years together with him. I love you Joe!

Time flies

It's true what they say about time flying when you're having fun! We've been having a blast in S.F. Yesterday we had a visit from cousins Joyce, Ron, and girls Kristina and Kim. It was good to see them again. I wish we lived closer so we could visit more often. After naptime(Gracie), we headed over to Golden Gate Park to check out the Conservatory of Flowers and Japanese Tea Garden. Both were beautiful. I took a zillion pictures, but have no way of uploading them so I'll have to wait until we get home. After Golden Gate park we headed over to the Embarcadero Center for some ice skating(Lisa and Cameron, then dinner at the Ferry Building. Such a jam packed day of fun! Not sure what's on the agenda for today. Both Joe and I have gift cards that are burning holes in our pockets, so I'm sure we'll find some time for shopping later. Target for me, Barnes and Noble and Borders for him. We still have six more days left of our trip, the last three of which Lisa and Scott will be on a cruise and Aunt Michelle will be in charge. Watch out! Keep me in your prayers those three days! :)
Don't know how often I'll be able to post, so have a happy New Year!

A wonderful Christmas

I can't believe it's over. All that preparation, all the stress, all the money spent, all for one day! Santa was very good to everyone in the Smith household this year. He brought IPods for both Lisa AND Scott, a bat cave, a Batman scooter, and a hotwheels racing set for Cameron, a shopping cart, a dollhouse, and a talking Dora doll for Gracie. I received a new cell phone that has ITunes on it(very cool!), a book I had been wanting, and a pretty new sweater. My favorite present came from Lisa. It was a vreally neat diaper bag. It has a black Asian print, and the best part is that the entire thing is covered in clear plastic, so it can be wiped clean-no need to wash it. Cameron bought a toy for the new baby. He picked it out himself, which is so sweet. In a way it seems odd to be buying baby stuff so soon, before we are even DTC(Dossier to China), but on the other hand it feels perfectly natural. After all, we WILL be having a baby. The pregnancy will just be longer than most! More time to prepare, right? I'm not sure what's on the agenda for today. It finally stopped raining, and looks like a beautiful day outside. I'll try to post every couple of days.

Safe Travels

We made it safely to our Christmas destination, despite a 45 minute delay on the runway due to fog. I was exhausted, after running around town like crazy, getting the dogs settled in at Dad's, cleaning the house, buying one more last minute gift(are you ever really DONE shopping?), and packing for a two week trip. Got to bed at midnight, and up at 5:00 a.m. in order to be at the airport by six. I'm ready for a nice, relaxing day, getting ready for Christmas Eve. Not that we have much planned today. Maybe a trip into the city, drive around and see some Christmas lights, then church for me and Joe tonight. Tomorrow is when all the excitement happens. First Santa, then a huge Christmas breakfast, followed later by a huge Christmas dinner! I'm not sure how often I'll be posting, as we don't have our laptop, and Lisa keeps us pretty busy during the day! Have a very Merry Christmas!

Surgery update: The stitches came out on Thursday. It didn't hurt at all, thank goodness! I'm still having some pain at the incision sight on the right side, so I'm not sure what that's about. 10 days post surgery I really shouldn't be having much pain at all. If it continues I'll have to see the doctor when I get home.

Almost back to normal

I'm finally starting to feel better. Almost normal. I can hardly wait to get the stitches out tomorrow. They are itchy and irritating me like crazy. It looks like some of the skin has grown over them, so it is going to hurt like heck to get them out. Oh well, what's a little more pain? I was about to go to bed fifteen minutes ago, when something horrifying happened. Joe thinks it is funny. I think it is horrifying. I went into the bedroom to take my sleeping pill, like I do most nights. I turn the corner to go into the bathroom, flip on the light, and reach for the bottle, which is sitting on the shelf right above the toilet. As I reach for it, I look down into the toilet and see.....a snake!!!! A huge snake, it's whole body wound around the toilet seat, and its head in the toilet! Of course I begin immediately screaming at the top of my lungs. I had to have woken the neighbors upstairs, and probably the ones next door too. I'm surprised no one called the police, I was screaming so loud! So Joe comes running into the bedroom to see what's the matter, and starts laughing as soon as he sees what I am screaming about. He turns to me and says, "Oh, I wonder how he got out?" You see the snake is HIS. It lives in an aquarium in our bedroom, but I make him cover it with a sheet because I can't stand looking at it. Most of the time I forget we even have it. In fact, when I saw it in the toilet, it didn't even register that it lived here. I was just so freaked out to see a snake in the toilet! That snake is NOT living in our bedroom anymore! He is coming out immediately! Do you have any idea what I would have done if that thing was found in our bed? (Shudder). In fact, I think we need to have a talk about how having reptiles is not a good thing when you have kids, and maybe Mr. Snake needs a new home! I'm going to bed now, probably to have violent nightmares about snakes in my bed. Good night!

Feeling better

I'm finally feeling better. I'm not sure if that was the stomach flu or what, but boy am I glad it's over! Not too much pain. The "big hole" on my right side is causing most of my discomfort right now. I can't wait to get the stitches out on Thursday, as they are itching like crazy. I finally left the house today. Joe drove me down to my work place so I could drop off some bracelets that had been ordered before my surgery(the last ones-whew!). The kids seemed really happy to see me. That made me feel good. Sometimes it's hard to tell if they even notice you are gone! I also had quite a large bag full of presents to take home, and that cheered me up considerably. Who doesn't love presents? I had an impromptu visit from my Aunt and Uncle yesterday too, which also aided with the cheering up process. Thanks for coming to see me! :) I still get tired pretty easily, so I'm off to bed now, but I hope to get a bunch of stuff done tomorrow, if I'm still feeling good.

Insomnia

It's three O'clock in the morning, and here I am, posting to my blog, so you probably think things aren't going so well. The truth is, things are doing O.K. I just can't sleep. I went to bed with a bit of a fever last night, but judging by the wetness of my sheets, it has broken now. I'm glad, because the fever had Joe totally freaked out. The "hole" on my right side came un-bandaged, and boy is it ugly. It is roughly the size of a quarter, with 4 large jagged stitches holding it together. So much for a neat little scar. I can see now why it has been causing me such pain. It is quite bruised at the incision site, and the bruising extends an inch or two in towards the belly button. It really is the main source of my pain right now. I stopped taking the Percocet and am only taking the Tylenol for now. I caught a little of Joe's cold, so I have a lot of Phlegm that I'm trying to cough out, and THAT hurts. That's one of the main reasons I had to get up. I can't stop coughing while I'm laying down, and it just hurts too much to cough anymore. During my last surgery, I went back to work on day six, which would be Tuesday. There's no way that's going to happen this time. I am simply in too much pain to go back to work. We have only a three day work week anyway, until Christmas break, so they'll be alright without me a couple more days. I have to do what's right for me right now. I don't often do that. I have so much to do before we leave on Friday. It's a bit overwhelming. Joe won't be around much these next few days, as he has one last final to give today, and then he has only two days to turn in his grades for the semester. Two days! That's so crazy. He teaches 7 classes, with an average of 15-25 in each class. That's between 105 and 175 grades he has to complete in just two days. AND he doesn't even get paid for his time. Don't get me started on his job. We'd be here all day! I'm going to try and get back to bed now. I think I will start to feel better with each passing day.(I pray)

The sun is peeking out

Sorry, I know that's corny, but hey I did end my last post with "All I see are dark clouds". I'm feeling a little better today. Thank goodness for small miracles. The pain has subsided substantially, at least for now. I'm going to try and leave the house today, if even just to go get the mail. I have cabin fever big time. Plus, I don't know if it is the medication or what, but I am always hot. I mean the kind of hot where sweat is dripping down your face and back, you are ripping the sliding door open as fast as you can while screaming "Turn the heat down!" The more hot I get, the more nauseous I feel, so it is imperative that I cool down quickly. Yesterday I went and sat out on the front steps, crying and hunched over in pain, and trying not to throw up. The neighbors got a good show! Of course Joe is just coming down off of a nasty cold, so he is secretly turning the heat UP and closing the slider. I think he is ready for me to feel better. Soon. I remember back a few weeks ago when the doctor's office called and told me my surgery would be on the 14th. I remember thinking "Oh, right before Christmas. That will actually be good. I can recover in my very festive house, drink hot chocolate, and listen to Christmas Carols while I enjoy my extra week off from work." Why is it that nothing ever goes the way you had it planned in your head? Being sick during Christmas has done nothing but make me feel sad and crazed at the same time. While other people are out enjoying the holiday season, here I am, stuck in bed. And while I am laying here, I'm thinking about the ten thousand things I still have to do before Christmas, which is SIX DAYS AWAY. I still have some shopping to do, I have wrapped nothing, and I have to do laundry and pack for a two week trip to San Francisco. I also have to figure out how I am going to get the presents I did buy up there in my suitcase, since I never got around to sending them through the mail. I bummed too, because Joe and I had tossed around the idea of going to Disneyland sometime this week. No, we weren't going to go on any rides. We were just going to soak up the Christmas spirit.(Which I am in dire need of right now), Maybe see the parade. Well, Joe sat down to look at the budget last night, and it isn't going to happen. I seriously don't know how families afford to go there! It's over a hundred dollars just for the two of us! I guess I'll just have to soak up the Christmas spirit here at home. I was planning on asking Joe for a yearly pass for my birthday, so maybe we can go then. At least I'm feeling a little bit better today, and hope to feel even better tomorrow.

Are we having fun yet?

The answer is still NO. I wish I could say that angry Michelle from the earlier post was gone, but she just isn't. I don't think I've ever been in this much pain. ever. I'm ready for it to start abating now. I think I've been punished enough. Oh yeah, I was going to tell you why my post-op appt. didn't go as well as we had hoped. First off, he says he "got a few nerves", but certainly "not all of them". And do you know WHY he didn't get them all? Because there was so much other stuff in there to deal with that it(the surgery) simply went on too long. He says I "should" get some relief from the nerves he did get, but we might have to go back in at a later point. WHAT?! NO!!! I don't care how long the surgery was getting, the main goal was to cut the nerves, and they couldn't even accomplish that much? Disappointed doesn't even begin to explain how I am feeling. I just want to cry. Actually, I did cry, but it hurt my stomach too much and I had to make myself stop. This surgery HAS TO WORK. I can't be in pain anymore. I can't. I'm too tired. How can I have a one year old and be in pain? I should have just had them take everything out. My insides aren't doing me any good anyway. The other bit of bad news he had for me was that my left ovary and left tube are folded over on themselves and he was unable to free them(again, due to time constraints). In other words, there is simply no possibility of becoming pregnant while ovulating on that side. That cuts out chances in half, from whatever weak odds we had before. I wish I had known this before they went in. This means the chances of me needing to have another surgery in the next 3-4 years is pretty likely. I'm in so much pain and so beaten down right now, I think I'd better just stay off the blog for awhile. Maybe when I start feeling better I'll see the silver lining. Because right now all I see are dark clouds.

Still not having fun

Here I am, three days past surgery and still feeling like someone beat the heck out of me. I'm sure I was feeling better at this stage last time. I don't know, I just wish I was feeling better now. I had my post-op appt. yesterday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. First, I was flying HIGH on Percocet. I have to give that stuff credit, because I was feeling no pain, but I was seriously out of it. I fell asleep while they were taking my blood pressure, and then again on the table waiting for the doctor.
I almost smacked the nurse when she said "Are you still a little sore?" WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THIS TO ME? OF COURSE I AM SORE YOU MORONS! Do you want to see the rather large punctures in my stomach?(3 of them). Or perhaps you'd like to see the pictures they took of the nasty stuff that was growing inside of me and how my organs were STUCK TOGETHER!? Or maybe you would like to see the thick, blackish stuff that has been steadily oozing out of me over the last three days. Would seeing any of those things make you stop asking me stupid questions like "Are you still a little sore?" Sorry. I am in one bad mood. And in a lot of pain. A lot. of. pain. It turns out, just for added fun, I have a raging bladder infection. So add to all those other symptoms severe burning when I pee. Yay! I'm going to take my pain meds now, and try to get back to bed. I'll post more later on how the post-op didn't go exactly how I was hoping.

Surgery went well, but two days after not so much fun

Well, Joe promised me he was going to post for me last night, but as he is in the middle of giving his last few finals, I guess he was too busy. He's been so wonderful to me these last few days, that I forgive him. From what I understand, the surgery was deemed a success. I'm getting all of this second hand. I'm told the doctor also told me these things, but hello, I was just coming out of anesthesia and remember nothing but PAIN. When they went inside and had a look, apparently it wasn't pretty. The endometriosis was growing everywhere, much worse than the last two times. Both my ovaries were completely stuck(adhered) to my pelvis. In addition, portions of my bowel were adhered to my ovaries. I also had a rather large(doctor's words) blood filled cyst. These are called chocolate cysts because they look like big blobs of chocolate. My doc had to drain the blood out of it, then cut the "shell" off and remove it(Gee, it's starting to sound like an M&M!). Then they lasered out all of the black, yucky, endo, and finally, cut all of the nerves they could see/get to. The doctor told Joe I must have been in a extraordinary amount of pain. Uhhhhh......Yeah. See people, I'm not making this stuff up:) Even though I was NOT looking forward to spending the night, boy am I glad I did. Before I went in the doc had said he would be giving me Percocet and maybe Demerol if I needed it. After I came out and told the nurse how much pain I was in(an eight on a scale of one to ten), she said "Ill be right back with the Morphine". Even in my fuzzy state of mind I remember thinking "Did she say Morphine? Oh Yeah." Can I just say for the record "Morphine Rocks!" I don't know what I would have done without it, because even with it, I could only lie flat on my back and not move AT ALL without being in excruciating pain. They also wouldn't let me eat this time(still not sure why), so I was starving, lying on my back NOT sleeping from 8:00 at night until 6:00 in the morning when Joe came to rescue pick me up. As soon as I got home I went straight to sleep, for four or five hours at least. I was having a lot of pain, but it was manageable with the Percocet. Most os th epain was coming from one of the incisions on my right side. The nurse said that was one of the spots they had to jam(yes, she actually said "jam") one of the metal rods into my abdomen, and also move it around quite a bit to see what they were doing. Ouch! I have my post-op appt. in about an hour, and I need to go lie down because being upright even this long makes me tired. Thanks to everyone who called/e-mailed to see how I was. Thanks to my friend Monica for the beautiful flowers too! If you called and I seemed a little grouchy, I apologize. I'm having more pain today than I did yesterday(probably because the anesthesia had worn off now). I find it especially hard to field a bunch of questions. I start to feel very overwhelmed. Joe has found this out several times and has learned to only ask a couple at a time so he doesn't get his head bitten off. I'll try to post more later, after my doctor's appt. and a nap.

Ready or not, here it comes

Today's the day. In about seven more hours I'll be in surgery. I'm actually pretty calm right now. Ha! Check back with me later:) Is it just sad that I got up at 6:00 a.m. to eat a bagel and have a cup of coffee and then went back to bed? I was so excited when the doctor said I could eat a little something, as long as it was early (O.K., that sounds pretty sad!). Last time they didn't let me eat, and my surgery was at the same time(2:00). I was starving! Then the surgery was postponed two and a half hours, and I was miserable. At least this time I'l have a little bit of food in my stomach.
Here are my new post-op pajamas. I just love the print. Is it me, or if you look close enough, does it have a little bit of an Asian flair? I think they are cherry blossoms. I can't wait to wear them. I also got these cozy fuzzy socks.
They are sooooo soft, and of course I got pink too, to go with my jammies. Also, note the sexy lace trim on the P.J.'s. Just in case I'm feeling pretty good and Joe and I want to get busy on trying to get pregnant right away. Ha ha ha ha(sorry, there is a lot of laughter in my head right now!) Ummm.....NOT! That was actually my least favorite part of them, but I really liked the print(and the pink), so I bought them anyway. I'm just killing time until we have to leave for the hospital.

Our Little Reindeer

Here are some pictures of our doggies wearing the reindeer antlers I borrowed from Lisa. Thanks, Cameron, for letting us borrow them! I think Tessie(the brown dog) makes a great reindeer! The other dog always looks drugged in photos, and this picture is no exception! What would I do if I didn't have animals to torture and humiliate?

Tomorrow is the big day

Well, this is it. My last night before the surgery. I would be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit freaked out. And Joe is gone tonight teaching a final. Not good. I have too many thoughts in my head, and shouldn't be alone with them for too long. We had to stop watching Grey's Anatomy a quarter of the way through because they kept showing people in surgery and I kept asking "Am I going to look like that"? "Are they going to be doing that to me?" Joe decided it was best for me to stay away form the medical shows, at least for the time being. Hey, he should be happy I'm not watching "When Anesthesia Fails" on the Discovery Channel like I did two day before my last surgery! I have been banned from the Discovery Channel completely until after my surgery. Joe should be home soon from school, after he goes to the store to get the list of things I gave him. The following is my list of demands requests I have made to help my recovery go more smoothly.

1. Get the Percocet filled BEFORE the surgery, not on the way home(like my first surgery)
2. A bottle of Tylenol. We're all out, and I might need it between Percocets.
3. A heating pad. This is a necessity! It really helps with the pain, and I lost mine while visiting Lisa this summer.
4. Bagels and cream cheese. This is the only thing I feel like eating when I am not feeling good.
5. Orange juice and Gatorade. Have to stay hydrated you know.
6. An assortment of hot teas with fresh lemon and honey. I swear this helps with the cramps.
7. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. Just because I want it.
8. Magazines.
9. Chicken Noodle Soup, because one cannot live on bagels alone.

I think that was it. I already bought myself some new jammies and fuzzy socks. Now I just have to wait for the anesthesiologist to call and go over the procedure(again!) I did talk to the surgery center today, and they're making me spend the night, even though my doctor said it wasn't necessary as long as I had my hideous machine at home, which I do. The nurse wouldn't budge though, and said it was for my own safety that I stay the night, even though I don't want to. I hate spending the night in the hospital. I simply cannot sleep. And since I stayed at the out-patient center(and will be again), I was the ONLY patient there and the nurses went to sleep! When I had to go to the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning, I called and called, and nobody ever came! I ended up getting out of bed and going by myself! I wish I could come home to my own cozy bed. I am going to be exhausted by Thursday. I told Joe that if something should happen to me, he should still go to China and get Sophie. I know it is HIGHLY unlikely that anything will happen, but you just never know. I was really bummed when Lisa told me China won't let single men adopt. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to get better quick and go with him to get her. Well, Joe's home now, so I should be going. I'll try to post tomorrow before we leave. The surgery's not till two.

My house(apartment) is festive

For the first time in many years, we decided not to get a Christmas tree. With my surgery on the 14th, and leaving on the 23rd for two weeks, it didn't seem feasible. To make up for not having a tree, I decided to really deck the place out with decorations. There are lights, garlands, candles, figurines, etc. covering every square inch of our apartment. It totally made up for the fact that we didn't have a tree, except for the wonderful smell of the pine, but I find that candles work just as well for this. Well today my husband came home with this. It is made from fresh pine boughs, it smells wonderful, and I love the cross! It's official, my husband is wonderful! So now I don't miss the tree at all! Here are some more pictures of the festivity of my house:

Holiday Craziness

I know I've been pretty lax about posting lately. The main reason is I haven't gotten home before 7:00 p.m. for the last five nights. By the time we have dinner, I take a shower and try to finish five million bracelets I have to make, there just isn't time. The other reason is that my husband and I are fighting over sharing our home computer again. i'd forgotten what it was like to have to make an appointment to check my e- mail, because he is constantly on it! His lap top broke at Thanksgiving, and we haven't even had the time to have it looked at yet. And of course, since he is using his for work, he gets to use it whenever he wants. I've tried to explain to him that it is imperative that I be able to check my blogs in order to keep my mental state in tact, but he is isn't going for it. The third reason for so few posts is that this has been the month from hell, pain-wise. I've been up since four, in and out of the bathtub. Nothing seems to be working. I may have to break out the Percocet the Doc gave me for after the surgery. I'm sad because I didn't make it to church, and this was the last weekend I was going to be able to go until after we come back on the fourth of January. I'm really going to miss it. Well, I have to at least pick up around here, as I need the house to be clean when I'm recovering from my surgery. Nothing is more depressing than not feeling good and laying around in a dirty house(at least for me).

Not the best day ever, but certainly not the worst

Today started out not so great. It began like many other days, with severe pain, followed by throwing up, followed my a severe migraine type headache. I say migraine "type" because I didn't have any of the symptoms I usually have that lead up to a migraine. A migraine could account for the upchucking, but I do this every month around this time, so it's hard to say. Work is extremely stressful right now. The kids are hyper(Darn Christmas!), and I'm working overtime to get things ready for my absence. It was so crazy there yesterday, I actually started looking forward to having the surgery and a little peace!
I also burst out crying today when I found out one of our Moms is pregnant(again!). Here's my side of the story, just so you don't think I am an overemotional crazy woman. You might think that anyway, but here goes: One of our moms that I haven't seen in awhile(about six months) came into our building to use the bathroom. I've known her for a long time(like 6 years), and both of her daughters, ages 7 and 10 came to us when they were smaller. She was pushing her six month old baby girl in the stroller, and she asked me to keep an eye on her while she went into the restroom. I didn't want to be rude, so I went and stood over by the stroller and she went into the restroom. I leaned down and smiled and cooed at the baby, like a normal person would. I handled the situation very well up until that point. Finally she came out of the restroom and went over to the sink to wash her hands. I hadn't gotten a good look at her yet, as she was facing away from me most of the time. After washing up, she turned towards me. I was surprised to see that she still had quite a stomach on her, as she was always a very slim person and the baby was 7 months old. It seemed odd to me that all of her baby weight was still so concentrated around her belly(Man, I'm an idiot!). She collected her baby and left the building and I turned to my boss and said "That's strange", to which my boss answered "What is?" And I said, "It's strange that her baby is seven months old and she still looks so pregnant." I was turned away from her when I said this, so when she didn't reply right away I looked at her to see if she had heard me. She was looking at me with a strained look on her face. Naively I asked "What?", still not getting it. She replied. "Wellll..... That's because she IS pregnant." "WHAT?!! I replied(quite loudy, I might add). You mean she has three girls already, one of which is only seven months old AND she's five months pregnant?" It was at that point that I burst into tears and exclaimed "That's just not fair!" Another co-worker kindly said to me " Well, Michelle, life isn't fair." I quickly went in to the restroom myself to keep myself from punching her in the face compose myself. It took me a few mintutes to gain control of my emotions. Shortly after that conversation I left work to go to my Pre-Op appt. for the Big Scary surgery. I was then subjected to a waiting room full of pregnant women, most of them leaving the office with cute little ultrasound pictures. The appointment itself went well(more on that later), but all in all I was feeling just a little bitter and teary eyed and was glad to get out of there. Imagine my dismay when we get all the way to the car only to realize I had left my sweater in the examination room. So we start the long trudge up the hill towards the medical building again, and just before we get on the elavator I exclaim(again, quite loudly) "I don't want to go back up there with all of those stupid pregnant women!" As we board the elavator, two people that had apparently been standing directly behind us got on with us. It was a man with his visibly pregnant wife, and they had obviously heard what I had said. Of course they were going to the same office we were. Nice. Now I'm the infertile woman who has issues. We went in , retrieved my sweater and quickly got the heck out of there. Don't worry, I have therapy in a few days and I'll try to work through some of these anger issues. Really. I will.



P.S. The reason this wasn't one of my worst days. After having a meltdown over the pregnant Mom at work, my boss chooses that exact moment to tell me that her Cancer is back. She has three brain tumors. They are going to do radiation on the 16th. Yes, I may have had a rotten day, and I may not be able to conceive a child, but I don't have Cancer. And for that I am thankful.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been seriously busy. And today I did not feel well. At all. I'm having a lot of pain. I should have known this was coming. The last two months have actually been bearable, so I was due for a bad one. I take hope in the fact that this may be the last month I have to feel this way. I pray so hard that this is true. Seven days until the Big Scary Surgery. I'm getting pretty nervous. Only the fact that I have been so busy has kept me from freaking out more than I am. I have been selling my jewelry to the parents at work. They are selling like hot-cakes! This is good from a financial standpoint(At least a little money for Christmas), but I have been beading bracelets non-stop for the last two nights. I've been beading until my eyes are bleary and the tips of my fingers are sore. I have completely run out of supplies. I'll be making an other trip to the Gem Faire this weekend, so I can fill all of my orders before the surgery. I came straight home from work today, got into the bath tub, and then into my pajamas. In my pajamas at 4:00 in the afternoon! It's crazy. I'm feeling better now. I hope it stays that way.

Busy

I've been incredibly busy for the last couple of days. Saturday Dad and I went to the Originals Holiday Gift show.. It was formerly called the Harvest Festival(which I liked better. Not sure why they changed it). I have been attending this annually for the last 18 years. I started going with my Mom when I was 16 or 17. I don't think I missed more than on or two years in the last eighteen. It is a lot of fun, and very festive. I got quite a bit of Christmas shopping done. From there I went right to another Pampered Chef Party(I went to one last month too). Today I went to Church, then headed off to another Pampered Chef party, this time to sell my jewelry. I've been going to so many because a friend of mine is just starting out as a consultant and I am supporting her. I sold three bracelets and two pairs of earrings, so it was worth the trip. I've just arrived home and I'm tired so I'm hitting the shower and then Jammies before I hit the sack and get up to start a another week. Only 10 days left until the Big Scary Surgery! Time flies!

On the verge of a cold

Well, I finally caught it. That cold that's been going around for the last three weeks. The kids all had it, then all my
coworkers had it. I was feeling fine and thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't gotten it, when my husband came down with it the day before Thanksgiving. I knew then it was only a matter of time. It's not too bad as of yet. Sore throat, sniffles, and slight fever. I think that's why I've been so tired. Hopefully it won't turn into anything too bad. I'm glad to be getting it out of my system now, before the Big Scary Surgery. Only 12 days to go. Twelve days before they stick a camera in through my belly button and cut all the nerves inside my lower abdomen. I'm not freaked out by this. Not at all. No, really, I'm not. If I keep repeating this over and over to myself, it will be true!(Right?)

P.S. I called my therapist yesterday, all teary eyed and freaked out about the "funk" I was in on Wednesday. I was afraid that me feeling that way meant I wasn't ready to move on to adoption. That I still had serious infertility issues to work through before we adopted a child. She reassured me that the feelings I was having were completely normal for someone who has been through as much as I have in the last four years. It's natural to grieve over the inability to become pregnant. It's normal to feel sad and bitter, and neither of these feelings will affect our choice to adopt. After all, Joe and I talked about adoption ten years ago, long before we decided to start trying. It has always been something close to both of our hearts. So it is perfectly fine for us to move on with the adoption process and grieve our loss at the same time. I think I knew this all along, but it felt good too have those feelings validated, especially by a mental health professional!

A better day

I'm feeling much better today. I seem to have pulled myself out of my "funk"(at least for now). I had dinner with my infertility group tonight. I am so lucky to have them. We have such a great time when we get together, and they are the only people that truly understand the pain I have been feeling for the last four years. I wish we got together more often!

Feeling overwhelmed

Today was not a great day. It wasn't horrible, it just wasn't wonderful either. I don't think I slept well last night. Woke up exhausted. So far the hideous contraption is NOT helping me, as far as I can tell. I'm feeling stressed about all that needs to be done for the adoption. I'm so stressed about it, in fact, that I have done NOTHING since the day before Thanksgiving. I really just don't know where to start. I know we have to get ready for our home-study. THAT's stressing me out big time. Not the home-study itself, but everything we have to do to get ready for it. Totally overwhelming. I know this is all going to be worth it in the end, but there is a part of me that still wishes we didn't have to go through all of this. That we could just get pregnant like everyone else. I'm also starting to really stress out about the Big Scary Surgery. I am feeling very nervous about it. I wish I didn't have to have it. But I do, so I need to get over it. Work is stressing me out. They want me to have everything ready for them when I'm gone. That means I have to prepare art projects, make up lunch schedules, check out library books, and leave detailed instructions for every little thing. It's a huge pain in the butt. I think I'm just hormonal. I heard "Silent Night"on the radio on the way home, and it made me cry. Even though I truly do love Christmas, it makes me feel sad too. I can't believe we have to go through another Christmas without a child. It feels like we have been going through this forever. I can't remember my life before we started trying. I miss my Mom more at Christmas too. I can't believe we have had so many Christmases without her. Sometimes it hits me that she is really never coming back. I know it's weird to be thinking that after 9 years, but there's something about Christmas that makes me miss her so much more. I'm going to go take a shower now, and get into my pajamas. I'll feel better tomorrow. I'm obviously in some kind of funk. Everyone has days like these(right?)

Fun in S.F.

More fun in S.F.

A hint of things to come?

Home Safely

We made it home safely today, in a little over six hours. How come the drive seems so much longer coming home than going? I'm going to be in a little bit of trouble tomorrow at work, as I called in "sick" today so we wouldn't have to fight the traffic. At least that's the reason I gave. The real reason we decided to come back today instead of yesterday is because Lisa bought us tickets to see "A White Christmas" in the city. She got us third row seats and they were awesome! The show was so cute too. If anyone is need of some holiday spirit, I definitely recommend you go see this musical. I would make it a girl's night out though, judging by the look on my husband's face when I showed him the video clips on their site. Lisa and I had a great time, just the two of us. Thanks Sis! I hear it's playing in L.A. right now, as well as S.F. It would be so fun to go with the whole family on Christmas Eve. Maybe next year. Now I have to buy the movie. I saw it a while back, but now I think it needs to be a part of our Christmas tradition to watch it every year. I know Lisa already posted this, but here's their website: Irving Berlin's White Christmas; The Musical. It's good to be home, although I miss the kids already. Boy is our house quiet! Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes not. Right now it makes me miss Cameron and Gracie a lot. I have no one to ask "What does a turkey say?". Well, I COULD ask my husband, but he won't reply(in a very cute two year old voice) "Gobble Gobble Gobble!" Yep, I'm gonna be needing a video clip of that so I can replay it over and over!

Having a Blast in San Francisco

We've relly been enjoying ourselves this weekend in S.F. We arrived at around 1:00 in the afternoon, to a lovely spread of appetizers. Then we took a nap(Hey, I got up at 3:30 a.m.!) and were ready for Turkey at 5:30. Scott outdid himself, as usual and diner was scrumptious. Friday we spent the day in Sacramento. See Lisa's blog for pics. I, of course forgot my camera cord again. I am so absent minded sometimes. I'm told it gets even worse after the baby comes. I don't know if that's possible! Today we took a hike at Land's End, then had lunch at a place near there right across from the beach. Then Lisa and I got away for an hour to do some shopping. I'm babysitting the kids right now, so Lisa and Scott could have some much needed time out. We're having a "Polar Express" party. We made caramel apples, and popcorn, and now we're watching the Polar Express and I'm about to go make us some hot chocolate. This much fun should be illegal!

One year ago...

Here we are last Thanksgiving in Tahoe. Sigh. I guess not every Thanksgiving can be perfect and absolutely magical. As you read this, I am hopefully at least half way to San Francisco, if not there already. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about spending this Thanksgiving at my sister's. I love spending time with my niece and nephew. It's just we had such a wonderful time last year and I hope someday we can experience it again.

Pre-Thanksgiving Exhaustion

I am just so tired. Night number two with the hideous contraption did not go as smoothly as night one. The chin strap is helping to keep it on my face all night, as it was all askew this morning when I woke up, and Joe said I was "struggling" with it when he came to bed. No wonder I'm so tired. Apparently I'm fighting the hideous contraption in my sleep unbeknownst to me, and the hideous contraption is winning! It is so darn uncomfortable. I'm a stomach sleeper and it's literally impossible to sleep on your stomach with that thing on your face. It gets in the way big time. I'm trying to train myself to sleep on my back, but it's hard to undo a 34 year old habit. Oh well, enough whining. It's Thanksgiving tomorrow, so I should be telling you all how thankful I am. As for adoption news, I filled out a bunch of paperwork today(it was kind of slow at work. Lots of kids out of town for the holiday). After Thanksgiving I'll be able to turn in a bunch of the paperwork, and then we'll get ready for our home-study. I'm very lucky because I already have in my possession our certified marriage certificates, birth certificates and my passport. Obtaining these documents can sometimes hold up the process. Going to China with Lisa and Scott last summer is really coming in handy now! All we have left to do as far as documents go is for Joe to get his passport, since his is expired. We're both running around here like crazy tonight, trying to get the house cleaned up for the pet-sitter, plus get the car packed so we can leave tomorrow morning. We're planning on leaving our house at 4:00 a.m. Not that many people are going to leave for their trips that early are they? I really hope not. I really hope to miss at least some of the traffic. I keep having flashbacks to Thanksgiving two years ago when we left at 2:30 p.m. on Wednesday for S.F. It was a NIGHTMARE! I have never seen that many people on the road, ever!(And I hope to never again!). Well, I'm supposed to be cleaning right now, while Joe is at the store, so I best be going. I'll try to post from Lisa's house, but may not get the chance. Everyone have a Happy Thanksgiving!

What was I thinking?

O.K. I have removed the picture of me wearing the hideous contraption. What a horrible picture! Why would anyone put a picture like that up for everyone to see? And what was up with my eyes being so red? It was kind of scary! I must have been REALLY tired last night when I posted that. I have decided I don't want that picture on my blog. If you got to see it, consider yourself lucky! Just promise me you won't picture me wearing that every time you see me(for those of you that see me).
On the adoption front, I have still done nothing. I called the agency today, but they didn't return my call. I'm a little confused as to what we need to do first. I already have all of the documents I need(birth certificates, marriage certificates, my passport, ect.) I think we have to make appts. for our fingerprints next. I'll try to do that tomorrow. We have some serious work to do on the house before we have our home-study done. I will only have two weeks after Thanksgiving to get stuff done before my surgery. I'm thinking a lot of this stuff is going to have to wait until after the New Year.



P.S. My first night wearing the hideous contraption went alright. I didn't rip it off my face. I think I MIGHT be able to get used to wearing it. (Maybe) I really don't feel less tired today than normal though. I wonder if I will feel the effects right away, or after wearing it for a couple of weeks.

As promised..pictures of me wearing the hideous contraption

Well, here it is. A picture of me wearing the C-Pap machine. Can I ask you something? Does this look like something that would be conducive to sleep? DOES IT? I think not! I'm hoping it works because as you can see from my bloodshot eyes, I am very tired! I'm going to bed now, and hopefully to sleep!


P.S. Joe thinks I am crazy brave for posting this picture on the internet for all to see. I told him after all I've been through these last four years, this is nothing!

Our adoption journey

I have changed the name of my blog to "Our Adoption Journey". I was never completely happy with "Our Journey towards Parenthood" anyway, and the adoption is what it is really going to be about. I bummed because I did NOTHING relating to the paper-chase today. I was going to make a bunch of phone calls(Fingerprint appt., physicals) but there simply wasn't time. I don't get scheduled breaks at work and there is truly no time when I am away from the kids. There is no privacy to be had either. Today a psychiatrist returned my call while we were playing outside, so I went around the side of the building to talk to him and some kids found me there and started arguing about something and he asked me if this wasn't a good time maybe he could call back later? I was so embarrassed. I do get off work early enough to do these things at home, but today I had an appointment to go and get fitted for my C-Pap machine right after work and didn't get home until 5:00. Then it's too late to make phone calls. So I guess I'll have to put them at the top of my list for tomorrow. The good news is that I now have in my possession my lovely C-Pap machine! As promised, I will post pictures later. It really is hideous. It's a good thing we won't be trying to get pregnant now, because nobody would come near me when I am wearing that thing! I hope it helps me. I don't remember feeling any better the last time I had it, but I'm willing to give it another try. I now have a chin strap that wraps all the way around my head, so this should keep me from ripping it off of my face unintentionally in the middle of the night. I did this quite often before. Also, the technician suggested that Joe check to make sure I still have it on when he comes to bed, since he comes to bed often two-three hours later than I do. I smiled at him and said "Sure, good idea" when he said this, but I know Joe will NOT do this for me because I become quite cranky when woken up in the middle of the night, and have often SCREAMED at him for turning on the light and waking me. Of course, I remember none of this, but this is what I'm told happens when he accidentally wakes me at 2:00 a.m. I can't imagine what I would do if he not only woke me, but suggested I put that machine back on my face. I think he would be afraid for his life! I guess we'll just see how it goes. My house is now completely decked out for Christmas(on the inside anyway). Also, I discovered today that we have not one, not two, but THREE stations playing Christmas music 24 hours a day! I don't know if I can stand it! I mean, really, how many times can you hear "I'm dreaming of a white christmas" before you feel like your head is going to explode? Did I mention it was 85 degrees at my house today? It's kind of surreal to have Christmas music playing in your car when the A.C. is blasting on high. I think I will be listening to a lot of C.D.'s over the next month, to get a break from all of the Christmas music. I am trying to pack as much holiday fun as I can into the two weeks before my surgery though. I have a feeling I won't be in the mood for at least a week or tow after that. I really wanted Joe to be in the drive through nativity with me at my church, but he won't. Wouldn't he make a great Joseph? Seriously, look at the photo to the left. He would be perfect! They are in desperate need of volunteers. Oh well, I can always hope.

I've just come from church. I know I've said this before, but I LOVE my church. I have really been making an effort to attend every week. Here's their website for anyone that's interested: Mount of Olives. I especially love it there around the holidays. The message is always relevant, and they have very special holiday services. I'm planning on attending the Thanksgiving service on Wednesday. Today was their alternative Christmas Fair. They had booths from all different charities that you could choose to give to as an alternative to spending your money on gifts for friends and family. I signed up to bring dessert to the soup kitchen on Tuesday, and I adopted an angel. My angel is a twelve year old girl. I'm going to buy her some clothes and maybe a C.D. I'll have to check with the kids at work to see what else she might like. I'm starting to get into the holiday spirit. (I know, this is a complete turnaround from my post last week on how I was denial about the holidays being right around the corner) It helps that we have not one, but TWO radio stations that are playing Christmas songs 24 hours a day! Yes, I HAVE been listening to Christmas music! In fact, I even had Joe get out my holiday decorations so I can put them up before we leave for Thanksgiving! That way it will already be done when we come home. Don't worry, I won't put up any of the outside decorations until we get back. I figured I better get a head start on this holiday stuff, since I'll be having my surgery on the 14th and probably won't feel like doing anything after that. Let the Holidays begin!

A side note...for those of you that were wondering

I did finally start my period(three days late-Ugh!) So I am officially in the "good" part of the month. Sweet! Only one more tortuous period before the big scary surgery that will change my life. Yes! Also, the boutique was a complete bust. There just weren't a lot of people there and only sold two bracelets. I was kind of bummed, but I'm over it now. I did buy a very cute changing pad and baby blanket that were made with Shabby Chic material. I bought my first baby stuff! It was so fun! I think it;s really starting to hit me me. I'm going to be a Mom! Yes, I know we have a long way to go but I don't care. I'm going to be a Mom! There is no feeling in the world better than that!

The Big Announcement

O.K. I promised to tell you our good news soon, and I decided that today is the day! So here goes....Drum-roll please!
We are going to adopt a baby from China! Some of you already knew this, but I hadn't officially put it on my blog yet. So we are in the process called the "paper-chase". We've chosen our agency, *************** and we've started filling out the paperwork. My Dad has graciously agreed to help us with the financial part. Thanks Dad! We have wanted to do this very much ever since Gracie came home, and now we finally can! We are so excited! We know it is a long process, but we are ready to be patient and take it one step at at time.
The waiting will be worth it once we bring home our beautiful Chinese daughter. I even bought a baby blanket yesterday. I know it's early, but I've waited a long time for this and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it! Right now we are busy filling out the forms that we can, making appointments for our fingerprints and physicals, and getting our apartment ready for the home-study. There's a lot to be done, but we're just so excited to get started. We have thought long and hard about this decision. The longer we traveled on this infertility journey, the more we realized that is wasn't simply a biological child that could fulfill our dreams of becoming parents. What we truly wanted was to start a family, and families come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. We both love Gracie so much. It matters not at all that she came from a different country and not from my sister's womb. She is our niece as much as Cameron is our nephew. And our daughter will be as much our daughter as any child that we could conceive on our own. I know it's hard for some people to understand, but we know in our hearts we are making the right decision. We hope you can be happy for us, and support us the same way you would if I had announced we were pregnant.

Way too busy

I think I have only been home in the last two days to sleep. Aside from lunch yesterday, Joe has either only seen me coming or going. I've been running around like crazy trying to get ready for the Boutique tomorrow. I'll be sharing a table with a friend, selling my jewelry. I'm hoping to sell enough stuff to make a little Christmas money(otherwise there won't be any Christmas!) Technically we're "skipping" Christmas this year, as far as gifts go. I'll only be buying for the kids this year, as well as only one or two presents for Joe. We decided to really tone it down this year and save all of our money for something really important to us that I'm still not ready to announce yet(but soon, I promise!). Well, it's late and I'm exhausted, so it's off to bed with me. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Playing Hooky

I didn't go to work today. I was supposed to go, I just didn't. I was scheduled to go in late because of a doctor's appt.(more on that later), but my appointment ended up taking so much longer than I expected that I decided to call in sick for the rest of the day. Joe had to twist my arm a little, and offered to take me to lunch. It was a difficult choice to make, but I wound up choosing lunch with my husband over going in to work for a few hours. Go figure! I really would have only been able to put in a few hours anyway, and I have plenty of sick time saved up. I had taken this coming Friday off a month ago, so it looks like I'll be having two three-day works weeks in a row. Awesome! Anyway, back to my Doctor's appointment. I went to see a new Gastroenterologist. I want to be sure all of my health issues are being taken care of. After my surgery, I want to feel GOOD. 2006 is going to be a year where I am in good health and am pain free. I am going to do whatever I have to do to make this a reality. So I'm slowly checking off my list of doctors that I have to see about some of my current health problems. So today I was off to see a Gastroenterologist regarding my Reflux and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The doctor I saw is new to me, and I really like him. He seemed very caring and thorough. He was funny too. He did do something that struck me as odd when I first met him though. I was explaining to him some of my medical history, and then I told him that I was scheduled for a Pre-Sacral Neurectomy next month. When I said this he visibly shuddered and said Ugh! He shuddered the kind of shudder where your shoulders shake and your head moves back and forth! Try to picture this if you can. You have just told your new doctor you are going to have a scary surgery to help rid you of your pain and he reacts like that! I was so shocked by his reaction that I burst out laughing and told him that wasn't exactly the reaction I was looking for! He laughed too, and began apologizing profusely, saying that it was something he didn't know a lot about, but the name of the surgery itself is intimidating. No kidding! Later on Joe said it struck him as funny that a doctor who routinely inserts items into people's colons would react like that to a gynecological procedure. I don't know about funny, but it does make me a tad bit nervous about the upcoming procedure. Despite that one incident, I really did like him. He wants me to go on Prevacid for the Reflux, but he wants to wait until after the surgery to deal with the IBS, which is what I figured he would say. I'm scheduled to go back to see him in January for a followup. Now I'm off to run a few errands before meeting up with the friend I am going to share a table with at the boutique on Friday.

Waiting...

I'm feeling kind of crummy today, just waiting for my cycle to start. We all know it's coming, so why does it have to be so elusive? I am usually like a clock, but lately have been either way early or one or two days late. It's almost as though the more I want it to come, the longer it takes. I'm ready for the painful part of the month to end, and the "good" part to start. Only one more month of this torture before my surgery and hopefully the end to all this pain. I can hardly wait. Do you know what I saw on the way home form work today? You'll never guess. That's right! Christmas lights on somebody's house!!!!! Are you kidding me? I KNOW Thanksgiving is next week, but everybody knows you simply CANNOT put up Christmas lights before then! It actually made me feel a bit panicked. I'm not ready for Christmas! Heck, I'm not even ready for Thanksgiving!
I think I might be in denial about the holidays being just around the corner. I guess I better get over it, because like it or not, here they come!

P.S. Joe and I received some good news today, but I'm not ready to share it with the world quite yet. Only a couple of people know what it is(You know who you are). We need some time for it to sink in before I start blogging obsessively about it(which you know I will do). And no, I am NOT pregnant!(technically). Oops, I think I just gave you a hint. Hee Hee!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I wasn't feeling great. I didn't even leave the house. I spent all day Saturday at a friend's son's birthday party. I had a great time. The food was good, the company great. It was a good party, as usual. I wasn't feeling sad at all like I usually do at these kinds of events. The only hard part of the party was that one of the women there was very pregnant. With twins. I could not bring my self to talk to her! I'm not kidding. I would find her standing beside me and I would turn towards her to engage in conversation and a huge lump would form in the back of my throat and I was unable to speak. I could taste the tears in the back of my throat. I ended up walking away from her on several occasions. She probably thought I was so rude! I hate that I act this way. It's like I have no control over my emotions. I am usually a very nice person. I have no problem talking to anyone. I go out of my way to talk to elderly people and handicapped people that I meet. So why can't I talk to pregnant women? It certainly isn't their fault I can't get pregnant! When will I get over this? I can't go the rest of my life ignoring pregnant women! Will I ever be O.K. with this? The situation is probably made worse by the fact that I am so close to starting my period, but it's still no excuse. I think I am going to need a lot more therapy to deal with these issues. That's it! I'll go tell my PREGNANT therapist how much I dislike pregnant women! Then I'll feel much better! Ha Ha! It's either laugh or cry, and Lord knows I've certainly done enough crying.

100 Things About Me

Well, here it is. My "100 things about me" list. I've been reading blogs for awhile now, and this is something we bloggers do when we reach our hundredth post. So here goes.....

100 things about me

1. I am almost 35 years old.
2. I truly believe I am married to my soul mate.
3. I have two dogs, a cat, and a turtle.
4. I have a twin sister. People always ask me if it is fun having a twin. I always say yes, but truthfully I don’t know what it’s like NOT to have one, so I don’t really know the answer to that question.
5. I work with children and I love it.
6. I have never had another job besides working with children.
7. I am highly underpaid.
8. I grew up in Orange County, and live there now.
9. I took four years of Spanish in High School, yet cannot even formulate one sentence.
10. I have enough college units to obtain two A.A. degrees. Liberal studies and Early Childhood Education. It states Liberal studies as my major on my diploma.
11. My favorite movie is “When a Man Loves A Woman”
12. My favorite singer is James Taylor.
13. I have all but three of his C.D.’s and have seen him in concert 11 times.
14. I love candy.
15. I love to read, but rarely put the time aside to do it.
16. I love Mexican food. I could eat it every day.
17. I love scary movies, but they often give me nightmares.
18. I’ve never gotten a ticket(moving violation)Parking tickets don’t count!
19. Family is very important to me.
20. I love dogs. If I could I would have at least four or five.
21. I have blue eyes. People often comment on how blue they are.
22. My favorite holiday used to be Christmas.
23. Since my mom died, it is too sad to be my favorite. My favorite now is Easter.
24. I love rain. I wish it rained more where I live.
25. I love Disneyland. I try to go at least once a year, even though I don’t have kids.
26. I’ve seen Rent four times. I know the words to every song in it.
27. I am Christian. I don’t attend church as often as I should, but I have strong faith.
28. I have cried myself to sleep more times than I can count in the last four years.
29. This is not where I thought I would be at almost 35 years old.
30. I live in an apartment, but sometimes don’t tell people because I am embarrassed that I can’t buy a house.
31. I don’t like watching any kind of sports.
32. I used to have a horse. I miss having one.
33. I have had no living grandparents since I was ten years old.
34. I am adopted.
35. I sometimes think about my biological mother. Not that often.
36. I listen mostly to country music.
37. I love to take pictures.
38. I love to create scrapbooks, but am currently far behind.
39. I suffer from depression.
40. I have only been with one man in my life.
41. Fall is my favorite season.
42. I am a worrier.
43. I am overweight and currently doing nothing about it.
44. I am not a morning person, yet I have had a job for the last 13 years where I have to be there at 6:45 a.m.
45.I don’t have a favorite color.
46. My feelings are easily hurt.
47. I don’t play any instruments.
48. I doodle when I’m on the phone.
49. I find it hard to make friends.
50. I love camping in Big Sur, but don’t go often enough.
51. I am a pretty good cook, but don’t cook very often.
52. I have only three first cousins.
53. I had mono when I was twelve.
54. I have broken only one bone(my ankle, when I fell off my horse at age 12).
55. I snore terribly. I have sleep apnea. I am supposed to sleep with a CPap machine on my face, but I haven’t in two years. I am about to get one again.
56. I was afraid of the dark as a child. I still am. Ask my husband.
57. I have absolutely no sense of direction.
58. I have never lived alone.
59. I let my dogs sleep in bed with me. Under the covers.
60. I’ve never tried drugs of any kind. I am proud of this.
61. I used to be asthmatic, but seem to have grown out of it.
62. I care what others think of me, and I hate it.
63. I have never been pregnant.
64. I’m afraid I never will be.
65. I don’t enjoy going to the movies. I always feel there are more productive things to be done.
66. I despise humid weather.
67. I love candles.
68. I can’t sing.
69. I’m terrified of spiders.
70. I’m addicted to popsicles. It started when my nephew came to visit last Easter and I had to buy popsicles for him. Now I HAVE to have them almost every night.
71. I will never bungee jump or parachute from a plane.
72. I found a turtle in the gutter by our house and spent a hundred dollars on an aquarium for him(her?). I’m told he will live for at least 40 years. That is more of a commitment than I bargained for, but I feel responsible for him now.
73. I am not at all graceful.
74. I’ve seen the movie “Grease” more times than I can count.
75. I used to be able to recite every line from the movie “The Breakfast Club”.
76. My birthday is January 5th. Because it is so close after Christmas, people often forget it.
77. I make lists, but rarely complete what’s on them.
78. My ears are pierced, but I never wear earrings.
79. I suffer from insomnia quite often. It is horrible.
80. I rarely(never?) wear high heels.
81. I was married on Valentine’s Day. At the time I thought it was romantic. Now I think it is a pain.
82. I spend way too much time on the computer.
83. I have way too much free time(see post #82)
84. I don’t like change.
85. I know the words to every song that comes on the radio. It doesn’t matter what genre. Rock, Country, Top 40, Oldies, 80’s, soft rock, you name it. If it comes on the radio, you can bet I know at least some of the words.
86. My husband thinks this is funny.
87. I like to collect things, but get bored easily and switch to something else before my collection gets too big.
88. I love my niece and nephew like they are my own children.
89. I hate snakes, yet there are two living in my house currently. My husband likes them.
90. I have not been unemployed since I was 16.
91. I have endometriosis that causes me a lot of pain. I have had two surgeries to get rid of it. I am about to have another.
92. I used to be afraid of roller coasters, but now I love them.
93. I didn’t do very well in school, from grade school to my first year of college.
My parents said I didn’t apply myself.
94. My second year of college(after getting married and taking a two year break) I got straight A’s, after simply deciding to do so. I even made the Presidents list once.
95. I think my parents may have been right.
96. I have low self esteem.
97. I am very quiet in a group of people I don’t know well, but often talk too much around those I am comfortable with.
98. I have a short attention span.
99. I am afraid of heights
100. My husband says to be sure and include that I make the best potato tacos.

The Surgery is back on!

That's right. My husband called my doctor this morning and told them it was imperative I have my surgery before Christmas. It looks as though if he hadn't done this I would have been waiting until after the new year. Yet another reason why I love him so. My surgery has been scheduled for Wednesday, December 14th at 2:00. I don't know why they always schedule so late in the day. I'm forbidden from eating anything from 10:00 p.m. the night before. Last time my surgery was delayed three and a half hours, so I was absolutely starving by the time they put me out. I wouldn't be surprised if my stomach was growling during the surgery! They gave me a turkey sandwich when I woke up(because I had to spend the night) and I swear it was the best sandwich I had ever tasted, that's how hungry I was! I have to admit I'm a little bit nervous. Although I have had a laparoscopy two times before, I have never had my nerves cut. It's a little bit unnerving Ha Ha! Pun intended! The good thing is that I go on Christmas vacation on the following Wednesday, the 21st. So I'll simply take an extra week off and we'll head up to my sister's as planned on the 23rd. That means I will have a total of three weeks off. Woo Hoo! I should be rested and ready to go back to work on January 5th, which is my birthday. It's hard to believe I am sitting here writing about Christmas. Wasn't Summer just a few weeks ago? It seems like it!

Hi, my name is Michelle and I am NOT an alcoholic!

Well, that big storm they talked about on the news ended up being not so big. We actually got very little rain from it. We were able to take the kids outside for lunch and to play. This really helps me keep my sanity. We had 78 children attend yesterday, and 89 today. Eighty-Nine!(said very slowly for dramatic effect.) And I fed every one of those kids lunch! To say the least, I am very tired. I had a lot of pain today. A LOT. I spent quite a bit of time in the bathroom. Of course, with that many bodies in the room I got no peace in there at all. All three times I was in there kids were knocking on the door, jiggling the handle, or just standing outside the door calling my name. Not conducive at all to relaxation, which is what I am trying to do in there. I find if I can stretch my body out a little(sit on the floor) and breathe slowly the pain is not as intense. It still takes around 15-20 minutes before I feel O.K. Fifteen minutes seems like forever when someone is knocking on the door waiting for you to come out. Joe is going to call my doctor tomorrow and nicely suggest we get things going. I can't live like this every month. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have said this! I'm having quite a bit of pain right now. Joe is fixing me something that we have found helps. I will tell you what it is, but you have to promise not to judge me. It's Tequila. Yes, you read right, I said Tequila. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a drinking problem. I actually drink very little. I have gone months, even a whole year, without having a drop of alcohol(does this sound strangely like something an alcoholic would say?). We kind of stumbled upon this by accident. We were out at a Mexican restaurant and I was in quite a bit of pain. Joe suggested I have a margarita to help me relax. I resisted, but he ordered one for me anyway, so then I had to drink it! I wouldn't want him to feel bad! Anyway, I noticed that my pain was decreased considerably after drinking it. So the next time I had an "episode", I tried it again. And you know what? It worked! So now when I am having particularly bad episodes(like the last three months), I will drink a Margarita to help ease my pain. At this point I am going to do anything that will help me deal with the pain. You can think what you want, but I do not have a drinking problem!(I really don't!)

Still no news from the doctor. I'm starting to get impatient. I had quite a bit of pain early this morning, but it went away by the afternoon, and I even felt good enough to play tennis tonight. It didn't rain today (thank goodness!), so we were able to take the kids outside. It was a good thing, because we had over 60 kids today! Try to imagine 60 children in a building as large as a triple wide trailer. Not fun! And very loud! I think the rain is headed our way tomorrow for sure. I did receive a call from the company that will be providing my sleep apnea machine, so it looks like I will be getting that within a week. Yay! I'm so excited! I promise I will post a picture of me in it so you can see how torturous it really is. That's all for now. We're having a late dinner because we got a late start at the tennis courts. Joe had some traffic on the way home tonight.

I have nothing new to post. I'm only posting because I know you all look so forward to it(Ha Ha!) The job interview went well, but that means nothing to me. We have had other job interviews go very well and not gotten the job. I'm trying to be positive, but I am not going to get my hopes up. At least he GOT an interview! I think we may be moving in the right direction. Still waiting for my doc to call about the surgery. Last time(August) they called me right away. I'm worried that they are much busier now, with the end of the year so close. A lot of people try and schedule procedures before the first of the year, when their deductible starts over. I hope that's not the case. I was really hoping to hear from them by now. I had quite a bit of pain earlier today, but it seems to have subsided for now. This has been a much better cycle than the last two(or three!). With only five days left until I start, I think this will be a pretty good month. Hopefully I didn't just jinx it by writing that! Tomorrow starts another loooong week for me at work. Parent-Teacher conferences will be going on the rest of the week, and the kids have half days. To you a half day might sound good. You might think it means only a half day of work! What is actually means is that children get out of school at noon instead of 3:00. That means they come to us three hours earlier! So instead of spending three hours with us, they spend six! It also means that I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off the whole time, trying to get them fed and keep them entertained. To top it all off, the forecast calls for rain! Noooooo!!!!! Inside with 50 kids and no way to get all of that energy out? Maybe I should be asking for you to pray for ME over the next three days! I think I am going to need it!

Send good vibes our way

Well, we just returned from playing tennis. I think I may actually be getting better(a little!). The change in time didn't affect us at all. Even though I am more prone to not leaving the house after it gets dark, the tennis courts are lit up like it is daytime(there goes my excuse for not wanting to play!) Anyway, the real reason I am writing is that I need some help from you guys, those who read this blog. Joe has a job interview tomorrow(Shhhh....don't tell him I told you. He doesn't want anyone to know, so if he doesn't get it he won't have to explain). It is a temporary job, for next semester. One of the full time faculty is going on leave and they need a replacement. Even though it is temporary, it IS a full time position from late January to mid May. It is definitely a step in the right direction, so it would be great if he got the job. That's why I need your help. We need all the prayers we can get. If you don't pray, maybe you could just send some good vibes our way tomorrow. Either way, please keep him in your thoughts tomorrow. We could really use some happy news around here. Thanks!

I must take a moment to say happy birthday to my Dad. Happy Birthday Dad! Even though I don't have a cute video to post here(like Lisa. You should check it out. So cute!) I did go to lunch with him yesterday, and I am thinking of him today!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I'm sure you were all very dissapointed! :) I spent the whole day with an old friend. Oops! I didn't mean that SHE was old. I meant we have been friends for a very long time! We hade such a fun day together, having lunch, getting a pedicure(and manicure!), and doing a little shopping. Her kids are so cute, and getting so big! I'm looking forward to her youngest's child's birthday party next Saturday. She always has the best parties. Not too much time to write now, i'm off to lunch with Dad. More later.

Just another day in paradise. Still nothing exciting to report. Nothing from the doctor's office regarding my sleep apnea machine(I can hardly wait!), no news about my surgery, Nada, Zilch, Nothing. I have a three day weekend ahead of me. I am soooo excited. I don't know why. I have nothing planned. It's just that the kids have been driving me so crazy lately, and I haven't been feeling that great and I need a break. My thyroid must still be low because I have been feeling achy and feverish on and off for the last week and a half, as well as being so tired I am ready for bed by 8:00! These are both symptoms of hypothyroidism. I hope the new dosage of meds the doctor gave me kicks in soon. I only had a little pain today, which is pretty good for where I am right now in my cycle. Well, it's almost 8:00, so I'll be off to bed soon(you may think I am kidding, but I am not!)

Still nothing to report. Had a little pain today, but manageable. It was much cooler today. Good. It might rain tomorrow. Even better! I have a three day weekend coming up. Woo Hoo!

I have nothing to report. I had a normal, uneventful day. No pain. Yay! Sorry so boring. Not liking the heat. I already put away all my short sleeve shirts/capri pants. Not looking forward to dragging them out again(if it comes to that). I never listen to the weather, so I have no idea how long this will last. I'm ready for some cool fall weather. No news on my surgery yet. I'll keep you posted.(Ha! Get it? I'll keep you "posted"? This is a post!) I crack myself up!

I was feeling a little bit sad earlier today. If there is one holiday that is centered completely around children, it is Halloween. I even offerred to work late, since someone called in sick and I was the only one working that didn't have to rush home and get my little one ready to go trick or treating. Even a couple of my co-workers who are older had grandchildren or nieces and nephews to spend Halloween with. We have no one. I did get a couple of invites from some friends of mine to come over to their house for Halloween, and I do appreciate that. Thanks! The only problem is, sometimes that makes me feel even more sad. I often feel like I am an outsider looking in. I truly believed last Halloween would be the last one we would spend without a child. I never imagined we would be almost four years into this "journey" with no end in sight. To top it all off, Halloween kicks off the whole holiday season, another one we will go through without having started our family. So I was feeling pretty sad when I came home from work. But then I decided to snap out off it. I made some really yummy homemade Dim Sum with chicken fried rice for dinner. Then I decided if I didn't have a child to dress up, I would do the next best thing. That's right, I dressed up my dog! And you know what? I felt much better after that! So here for your amusement are pictures of my dog dressed up as a ladybug!(And yes, I DID make the costume myself!)

Yes, she is as freaked out as she looks! Happy Halloween!

Joe and I returned about an hour ago from Oak Glen. It is so beautiful there. I had decided last week that I wanted to do something "fall like" this weekend, so this is what we decided on. We tasted a variety of apples, had some yummy apple doughnuts, and bought apple-cherry cider and some mulling spices. I really wanted to buy an apple pie, but the only two places we saw that were selling them had lines around the building! Too bad I'm not a more patient person. Oh well, I'll have to settle for some apple pie from Polly's when I go visit Dad next weekend! Here are some: pictures. I am feeling much better today, so if I was sick it must have been a 48 hour bug(does such a thing exist?). Or maybe I'm just feeeling better because of the extra hour of sleep! You gotta love that! I also posted some pictures of Joe's birthday(which was two weeks ago. Where does the time go?). Birthday pictures. I'm going to bed now. I still am feeling awfully tired, and even though the clock says 8:32, my body thinks it is 9:32.

It looks as though I solved the picture posting problem by switching to Flickr. Check out my earlier posts and let me know if it doesn't work for you. Not much happening today. Lunch with Dad, and not much else. I think I may be coming down with something. I came home and slept for 2 and 1/2 hours, which is not like me at all unless I am having an extraordinary amount of pain(which I am not). If I am getting sick, it would explain my exhaustion for the last three days. I seriously almost fell asleep at trunk or treat last night, but I thought that was because I was at work for 13 hours straight. Now I'm thinking I might be coming down with something. I hate being sick during my "good" times of the month. I feel like I'm being cheated out of the short amount of time where I feel O.K. This is the second time in two months that I have gotten sick. (Those darn kids!)It's not like me at all. Maybe my immune system is not what it should be from all of the depression/stress these last few months. I'll have to stock up on vitamin C I guess.

The pain is starting to creep in again. It comes quietly, in the middle of the night and settles into my lower abdomen. A dull, aching pain that in the next 10 days will increase in severity until I am bedridden. I can't have another month like the last one. I have to try and stay positive. I have to take one day at a time, and try to get as many things done early, when the pain is still minimal. I am still awaiting the phone call from my doctor's office about the surgery. It MUST happen before Christmas. The pain is what's leading to my depression spiraling out of control every month for the last four months.



P.S. I don't know what's up with my pictures. Ofoto is making me sign in all of a sudden to view them, which means no one can view them, because I am keeping them in a private album. I can't share the album, because the pictures went onto Lisa's site and I don't know her password. (I don't know why this keeps happening! My computer must have saved her e-mail address and automatically posst my pictures to her site. It's so frustrating.) I am going to try another site like photo bucket and see if that solves the problem.

I have just returned home from the annual Trunk or Treat event held at my school. People park their cars in the school parking lot and decorate their trunks. Then the kids come around trick or treating in their costumes. I have been participating in this event for 6 years now. As always, I had a blast. This year, my trunk leaned on the creepy side. I decorated the inside of my car like a graveyard, with skeltons coming out of the graves. Here's a close up. This year I had a little help from my co-worker and one of the Kindergarten teachers I am friends with. Some of the other people go all out. A very popular theme this year was pirates. More pirates here. Some people even park two cars together to create more elaborate scenes. All in all it was a very fun night, but I arrived there at 6:45 this morning and left at 7:30 p.m. so I am very tired and am going to bed promptly.


P.S. It is amazing how something can take hours to set up, yet only a few minutes to take down!

I just came from dinner with my infertility group and had so much fun! If someone had told me when I started this "journey" that I would join a support group to help me deal and that those people whould become my friends, I would have said "No, I don't think so(about joining the group, not about the friend part). In fact, Lisa had been trying to get me to join a support group for months before I finally decided to try it. I thought to myself, I don't want to be in THAT club. I don't want to be one of THEM(an infertile person). But you know what? I am in that club, and I am one of them. It wasn't by choice, but I believe everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't joined that group I wouldn't have met such a wonderful group of women who I can now call my friends. If there is one good thing that has come out of this, it is that. We went to a very good restaurant called Shabu. It is an interesting Japanese restaurant where you cook your food ion your own pot of boiling water.
Picture.
Here we all are at the end of our meal. I won't name everyone to protect their privacy. There is one girl absent, and she was sorely missed. We all wish her well and hope she will decide to come to one of our future meetings. I am already looking forward to meeting again!

Kind of a boring day. I'm still feeling good, and for that I am grateful. It looks like I'm going to have to go ahead and get another C-Pap machine. I don't know why the link in the last post didn't work. I posted pictures of it there. Oh well. I'm kind of bummed. I really don't like sleeping with that thing on my face. If anyone has any other alternatives that they know of, please let me know! I'm off to make dinner so we can go for our walk. I am really trying to get more exercise. I don't know why it's so hard for me.

I wish today was as good a day as yesterday, but hey it can't be all roses and sunshine all of the time. I still haven't had any pain(which is actually normal for me at this stage in my cycle). I went to the doctor today to talk about my thyroid. I'm kind of bummed because it turns out my thyroid is low, not high(there was a mix up with the nurse, I don't know what happened). so much for all of my symptoms! He thinks that I am having two major issues. 1) Lack of sleep, and 2) an undue amount of stress. It took all of me not to say Ummm...Duh! Ya think? He also thinks that without treating my sleep apnea, the sleep issues will not be resolved. And how does he plan on treating the sleep apnea, you might ask? Why with a C Pap machine of course! It took all of me to sit there calmly and not go running from the room screaming at the top of my lungs Noooooo.....! I have had one of these horrible contraptions before. I wore it for a whole year. It was awful. For those of you that have never seen one of these contraptions, here it is: C pap. Yes, it is as bad as it looks! Most nights I would wake up and it would be on the floor, with no recollection of how it got there. I was ripping it off in my sleep. That's how bad it was! Ummm...did I also mention we were having infertility problems? That ugly machine is NOT conducive to an intimate enviornment! Unfortunatley he has no other solutions for me regarding that problem. Well, he did say I could go see a dentist who could fit me with some kind of mouthpiece, but my dental insurance sucks, so I won't be doing that anytime soon. I can only deal with one thing at a time, and right now it is my surgery for the endo. The doc also feels I need to deal with some of my emotional issues to see if it helps some of my physical ones(depression, anxiety, insomnia). That's what I've been trying to do! Oh well. I guess I was hoping he would say you are feeling this way because of this(insert medical condition here). Let's do this(insert solution here) and you'll feel fine. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Nothing ever is! So it's back to the psychiatrist(a different one) to revaluate my meds. Who knows, maybe the change in thyroid medicine will do something! I have to hold on to that faith I was talking about yesterday!

I have to post a quick comment to the last post. In my last post I said "All I have is hope, and it's better than nothing." Well, I thought about it, and I realized that isn't true. Hope is not the only thing I have. I have Faith too. And Love! So, actually, I have Hope, Faith, AND Love! And what more could anybody ask for than that?

We have just finished dinner, and I am writing a quick post before we go for a walk. We had one of our favorite meals, Potato Tacos. Yes, they are as bad for you as they sound! Fried Potatoes, served on fried corn tortillas, smothered with cheese, sour cream, and salsa. Yummy! They are not the most healthful meal, which is why we only partake in them once every two to three months. I had another great day today. No pain. For the fourth day in a row! I think we may we headed towards a record here. (Don't worry, I'm not counting down in my head how many "good" days I have left this month. O.K. That was a lie. Of course that's what I am doing. I'm just trying not to dwell on it so much. It's eight days left for those of you trying to figure it out also.) I will be calling the doctor on Friday to schedule my surgery. Well, I'll have to wait for them to call me back to actually schedule it, but at least it's going to get the ball rolling. At the most, I will only have to go through one more cycle like the last three, and I intend on obtaining some Perocet so I don't go through what I did last month. I also promised both my therapist AND my husband that if the pain gets that bad again, I WILL go to the emergency room, no matter how badly I don't want to. I have decided that I like my therapist too much to let a stupid thing like her being pregnant make me stop seeing her. It's hard to build that kind of relationship with someone, and it isn't worth throwing away because of some sadness or anger I might have at seeing her get bigger and bigger each month. I can deal with those feelings as they come up. Right now I'm just grateful to have her. I need for some of these issues I have been dealing with to be resolved. The chronic pain, the depression it causes, the feelings of hopelessness over the infertility. It has gone on long enough. I want my life back, even if it means it will be without kids for the time being. I pray this surgery works for me. I have hope that it will. Hope is all I have right now, but it's better than nothing.

Today was another good day. I went to church this morning. I have to admit, I haven't been to church in a while. Mostly because I haven't been feeling well. I love my church. The music is great, and the message is always relevant to what's going on on my life. I love both pastors and the environment is friendly. I am going to make more of an effort to go every single week. I had lunch with a friend afterwards. A looooooong lunch. I think we were there for 2 hours talking! It was good to have someone to talk to about some of the things I have been going through lately. When I finally got home, Joe and I played tennis. I am seriously going to look into taking lessons. I have improved some, but I need to learn the correct way to hold the racket, hit the ball, etc. before I learn any bad habits I'll have to break later. We went grocery shopping for the week after that, then I came home and made dinner. Turkey burgers. Yum! Now it's off to do some laundry before settling in for the night. No pain again today. Woo Hoo!

Sometimes it's hard to find things to post about every day. Especially if not much is happening. It's interesting that I am much more prone to posting when I'm not feeling well. I think there are two reasons for this. 1) I am home more. I can go several days without ever leaving the house when I am having a lot of pain. 2) Being in chronic pain messes with your head and exhausts you and it is when I am feeling that way that I need to vent. Had another good day today. Two in a row. All right! No pain today. Yay! Had lunch with Dad, then went to a Pampered Chef party that a friend hosted. I had a great time. I only went to show support, as I don't cook elaborate meals on a regular basisand didn't plan on purchasing anything. It's funny how you start to think you need all of these gadgets when you see them being used! We made some really yummy Dim Sum that I will definitely be making for Joe. I didn't get home until 7:00. I'm planning on going to church in the morning, and then having coffee with a friend afterwards. Weekends go by so much faster when you're busy. (Unlike last weekend, when I was in horrible pain and then stayed home sick on Monday too). I hope to have the surgery within the next month, so hopefully I will only have to endure one more cycle like that, and I will be obtaining sufficient pain medication by that time.

Today was a really good day. Write down the date! Michelle had a good day! I had no pain today. Work was very mellow. It is sometimes like that on Fridays. I went to the lab and had my blood drawn again, so now I won't get in trouble on Tuesday when I see the doctor(I wasn't sure I was going to get it done on time.) I came home and had a lovely dinner with my husband. We turned off the T.V. and had a long talk. Two hours long! We talked about our day, about my decision regarding this blog, about kids, even about when we met. I'm so lucky I am married to someone that I still really enjoy just talking to after almost 17 years together. Now we are going to sit down and catch up on some of the shows wwe missed this week. Then I will be going to bed early. Getting up at 3:30 sure makes you tired by 8:00! I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight.
See! I CAN write a post without being depressing and whiny!

It is 5:00 a.m. and here I am, posting to my blog. I've been up since 3:30 a.m. This insomnia is kicking my butt big time. I have a doctor's appt. on Tuesday to discuss changing my thyroid med. Hopefully that will resolve the insomnia issues. Man, I hope so. Aside from the tirade on my blog yesterday, I had a pretty good day. I started, so the pain is gone. Poof! Just like that the pain is gone. That always amazes me, how I can go from excruciating pain for 12 days straight, to feeling just peachy the next. It's a baffling disease. Now I have a favor to ask. It is for any of you that read my blog on a semi-regular basis. I need to ask you something. The little speech I made yesterday was directed at one person specifically. It's personal, so I won't go into it further, but I need to know how other people feel about the stuff I write on my blog. The depressing stuff. The days on end where I am in horrible pain and depressed, and simply have nothing nice to say. Does it piss you off that I write that stuff? Does it offend you in some way? Does it bring you down? Because I'm trying to decide what to do. I had pretty much already made up my mind that I was going to start a new blog that would be sort of like a journal, one which I would not share the address to. After a long talk with my husband, I am waivering on that decision. First off, let me say Gosh I love that man! He is simply the best. He always listens to me, no matter how sad or irrational I may be, and he always says the most insightful things. I would be lost without him. Long story short, he says I should continue posting to my blog in the manner to which you have become accustomed. He says that anyone that doesn't like it should keep their narrow-minded, nasty opinions to themselves and blow it out their ear!(Edited for not so nice content). After a lot of soul searching, I have decided he is right. No one is forcing you to read this. I am not holding a gun to your head and making you read my blog. I already apologized for the e-mail I sent out with the address in it. I promise I will never send out an e-mail like that again. Haven't you ever had a bad day and said or done something you regret? Well that's what that was. Try to move on now. Writing in this blog helps me. That's it. I read many other blogs on a daily basis. Many of them deal with sadness and anger too. It doesn't offend me at all, or make me feel more depressed. It helps me to see that there are many other people in this world that are in far more pain than I am. It helps me realize that I WILL be alright. But I am interested in how you view this situation. Could you leave me a quick comment letting me know your opinion? If every one of you writes back that you are sick of my whining and that I should just get over it, then fine. I will disappear from blog land. The only postings you will read on this blog are cute things that five year olds say or funny things my dogs do. But if anything on my blog helps you understand the pain of infertility, or the difficulty of having chronic pain or depression, please let me know. Thanks so much.